With news that the deadly Ebola virus may have reached America’s densest, most populous city yesterday, many Americans are freaking out. And some in the media are fanning the flames because, with Israelis and Palestinians not killing each other for a few hours, we don’t have anything else to write about. But you’re not going to catch Ebola. The chances of you getting it are, like, practically zero. If it’s even here, which it might not be. But there are lots of other things that can — and will — kill you. Here are just a few.
1. Being stung by a bee: A bee could kill you. The most recent statistics show that 54 Americans died from bee stings in 2000. But what if you got stung by a bee with Ebola? It’d be a BeeBola.
2. Food poisoning: One time I ate a salad from Wendy’s and got food poisoning. It was pretty bad, but I didn’t die. But 3,000 people do die, every year, from food poisoning. The salad was also bad, in case you were wondering. Not as bad as Ebola, but still.
3. Kicked by a horse/fall from a horse/malicious horse: Over 100 people die every year from “equestrian related activities,” according to Riders4Helmets.com. I don’t know what all falls under the umbrella of equestrian related activities, but it’s probably this kind of stuff:
4. Party Too Hard: Classic American death scenario. Around 88,000 American deaths every year are attributable to excessive alcohol use, according to the CDC. Between 2006 and 2010, more than 1,000 Americans partied so hard that they got drunk and set themselves on fire.
5. Accidentally shoot yourself: Another iconic American way to die. Have a gun? Why not take a selfie with it? What’s the worst that could happen? You could shoot yourself in the head or somewhere else, I guess. Whatever. #YOLO.
6. Killed by Batman: As we all know, the Caped Crusader abhors killing. But the Georgia roller coaster that takes his name has no such compunctions. In 2008, a rider was decapitated trying to retrieve his hat, which had fallen off during the ride. That’s one more person than Ebola has killed in America.
7. Malaria: If you want a disease to be worried about, forget Ebola. Try malaria instead. In 2012, malaria killed more than 600,000 people in Africa, which is about 600 times as many people as Ebola has killed so far. Seriously: you might catch malaria and die.