You’ve Heard of ‘Hamilton’? It's Time for ‘Jackson,’ the Musical

RTRE8DC
America's seventh president is never very far from an ATM machine. It is time for Lin-Manuel Miranda of "Hamilton" fame to write an Andrew Jackson musical. Robert Giroux

Born in colonial times, this man whose face graces some United States currency never met his father and lost his mother at age 14. Orphaned, he studied law, ascended in politics and became one of the most influential figures in the early decades of American history. He even competed in a duel—and won.

Related: Donald Trump's weird obsession with Andrew Jackson

That’s pretty compelling stuff. Someone should write a play about the life and times of President Andrew Jackson. No, a musical! If only there were some way to inspire a Tony-winning playwright to take on the project. Does anyone even know if Lin-Manuel Miranda has read American Lion, the Jackson biography by Jon Meacham?

RTSH4CW Lin-Manuel Miranda, second from right, could no doubt improve upon this effort. Eduardo Munoz

In hopes of whetting Miranda’s appetite, we took a stab at the title song for Jackson, below. He is welcome to edit the lyrics as he sees fit, but he also has the right to remain silent, as anyone named Miranda surely knows.

How does a fatherless, orphan, son of Irish immigrants

Dropped in the middle of a disputed spot in the Carolina wilderness

Overcome deadly disease that left his skin warty

Grow up to be the founder of the Democratic Party?

The $20 brother without brothers

Remains a Southern favorite son

With a denomination double that of Alex Hamilton

He got a lot farther by being a lot smarter by taking Florida

By 14, he’d overcome smallpox and a dose of British scorn

While losing closest family members left and right since he was born

Andrew Sr. died by accident, mama Liz while nursing the ill,

But even after orphanhood, grim reaper had no chill,

Brother Hugh fell in battle, the other, Robert, to starvation,

Young Hickory looked around said gotta stop this devastation

Gonna end this stagnation gotta be a sensation

I’ll earn myself a law degree and pillage Cherokee nation

Then the word got around Andrew’s girlfriend is a bride

Even in Tennessee bigamy is career suicide

Suffered some indignity, name dragged through mud

Proposed a duel and shot his rival in cold blood

Now he’s winning wars in every land with a temper you can’t tame

He’s lighting up the Injuns as he rises up to fame

Creeks and the Chickasaw they cannot make a claim,

And the world is gonna know your name,

What’s your name, man?

Andrew Jackson!

My name is Andrew Jackson,

There’s not a battle that I haven’t won,

Just you hate, just you hate

Now we’re in the 19th century, must erase a blight

Andrew’s removing Indians to his left and to his right

Some surrender peacefully, and some put up a fight

But they’re all gonna know his might

Congressman, senator, major general too

Is there anything our little orphaned Andy cannot do?

How about the White House? The people vote him through:

They did so for him three times, but he was only elected two (damn Electoral College)

Now he’s back at Hermitage, where slaves are all about,

A legacy of greatness, an equal he’s without

Then Jackson utters final words while rapping on death’s door:

“I only wish I’d been alive to stop the Civil War.”