Andy Borowitz

Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • Humor: McCain Puts Campaign Bus on eBay

    In what some political observers are calling an ominous sign for his cash-starved White House bid, Republican presidential hopeful Sen. John McCain today posted his campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express, on the Internet auction site eBay. McCain denied that the move stemmed from money problems, stressing instead that he had decided to sell the bus so that it would no longer provide fodder for sarcastic headlines such as WHEELS COME OFF STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS or STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS: OUT OF GAS?“The Straight Talk Express was giving headline writers too much to work with,” Sen. McCain told reporters. “They won’t be able to do that anymore, now that I’m getting around from town to town on a Segway.”Davis Logsdon, dean of the journalism school at the University of Minnesota, said that the number of sarcastic headlines riffing on the name of McCain’s campaign had swelled to as many as 7,000 in the last two weeks alone. “Every morning, newspapers were running headlines like STRAIGHT...
  • Humor: TB Guy Tops Bush in New Poll

    In the latest erosion of George W. Bush’s job-approval rating, a new poll released today reveals that the president is now less popular among the American people than the so-called “TB Guy,” Atlanta attorney Andrew Speaker. While Bush’s ratings have been in a virtual free-fall in recent months, few political insiders expected him to be trounced by Speaker, who has been accused of exposing airline passengers to tuberculosis.Additionally, the poll results are historic in another way, since they mark the first time that a sitting president has been deemed less popular than a quarantined disease carrier.But at the White House today, official spokesman Tony Snow tried to put a positive spin on the numbers, saying that Speaker’s poll numbers received an artificial “bounce” as a result of all of the press coverage he has received in recent days. “If President Bush had been quarantined for spreading tuberculosis around the world, his numbers would be right up there with the TB Guy’s,” Snow...
  • Humor: Hillary Tempts Gore With Sweets

    In a move that raised eyebrows among observers of the 2008 campaign for the Democratic nomination for president, Sen. Hillary Clinton today sent former vice president Al Gore a gift basket laden with high-calorie treats.While the basket, chocked full of such sumptuous snacks as chocolate croissants and pecan buns, was ostensibly a gift to congratulate Gore on the publication of his new book, “The Assault on Reason,” some members of the former vice president’s staff saw more sinister motives in Sen. Clinton’s choice of present.With Gore battling his waistline in recent years, any potential run for the White House in 2008 would presumably require a period of dieting and slimming down—processes that the basket of lip-smacking temptations seemed calculated to thwart. At a press conference in Washington this morning, Carol Foyler, a senior member of Gore’s staff, told reporters that the basket of sugary delicacies had been “immediately identified as a threat to the vice president” and...
  • Humor: Bush Names Wolfowitz President of Al Qaeda

    In a bold move to undermine the international terror network, President George W. Bush today named former deputy defense secretary and World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz to be the new president of Al Qaeda.Wolfowitz, who has no experience running an international terror organization, struck many Washington insiders as an unlikely choice for the Al Qaeda job.But in a White House ceremony introducing his nominee for the top terror post, President Bush indicated that Wolfowitz’s role in planning the war in Iraq and bringing scandal to the World Bank showed that he was “just the man” to bring chaos and disorder to Al Qaeda.“I’ve seen Paul Wolfowitz in action,” said Bush, a beaming Wolfowitz at his side.  “If anyone can mess up Al Qaeda, it’s this guy.”Several key details in the president’s plan still need to be worked out, such as how exactly Wolfowitz will infiltrate Al Qaeda and rise to the top position in its ranks.“Al Qaeda closely screens all of its top officers,” said Hassan El...
  • Humor: GOP Courts Elusive White Males

    In a nationally televised debate last night, the 10 candidates for the Republican presidential nomination engaged in a battle royal, with each candidate staking his claim to the title of the whitest white male in the GOP race. With the elusive white male voter holding the keys to victory in the GOP nomination, all 10 candidates seemed mindful of reaching out to that often-forgotten voting bloc.The question of “who is the whitest” came up in the opening minutes of the debate held on the campus of the University of South Carolina, where hundreds of concerned white male voters gathered to hear the candidates speak.“Not only am I the whitest male in this race, I am the whitest male named Thompson in this race,” said former Wisconsin governor Tommy Thompson in an apparent reference to former Tennessee senator Fred Thompson, who is poised to become the eleventh white male vying for the GOP nod.Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney went on the offensive when he cited his “impeccable...
  • Humor: White House Seeks Lying Czar

    The White House in recent weeks has been quietly searching for candidates for the position of “lying czar,” a high-level administrator who would oversee all distortions and misrepresentations about the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, a White House source confirmed today.News of the administration’s search for a lying czar raised eyebrows in official Washington, where many insiders believe that the White House already has enough personnel to handle the creation and dissemination of war-related lies.Specifically, many insiders wonder why an administration that already has adviser Karl Rove and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice would also need a lying czar. “The Bush administration has a lot of world-class manpower, lying-wise,” one insider said. “This whole lying czar thing seems like an unnecessary layer of bureaucracy.”But White House insiders disagree, saying that those who believe a lying czar is unnecessary are oblivious to the overwhelming volume of distortions that are sorely...
  • Borowitz: Send Rich Little To Iraq

    As part of a bold new strategy to confuse the enemy, the Pentagon announced today that it was sending comedian/impressionist Rich Little to Iraq to entertain the insurgents.While the U.S. has sent many comedians to Iraq to entertain the troops since the conflict began four years ago, Mr. Little’s mission marks the first time that the Pentagon has targeted the insurgents with comedy.But after seeing Mr. Little perform at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner Saturday night in Washington, the Pentagon decided that Mr. Little was just the man for the job, and “Operation Little Entertainment” was born.Said one Pentagon planner, “If Rich Little can quiet down Iraq the way he silenced that room Saturday night, we’ll consider this mission a big success.”En route to his first show in Baghdad, Mr. Little was bullish about his mission, polishing his impressions of such dead presidents as Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon.“I’m going to do Nixon, but instead of having him say, ‘I’m not a crook,’...
  • Satire: Bush, the Senate and Pesky Judges

    In a move that seems guaranteed to create more controversy for his embattled administration, President George W. Bush today fired the entire Senate Judiciary Committee.Critics were quick to question the timing of the president’s decision, coming as it did just days before Attorney General Alberto Gonzales’s scheduled appearance before the Senate panel on Thursday.But in a briefing with the White House press corps today, Bush insisted that the mass sacking of the Senate Judiciary Committee had “nothing to do with” Mr. Gonzales’s impending appearance.“I just thought these folks needed to spend more time with their families,” the president said.  “Especially that bastard Ted Kennedy.”Immediately after Bush announced his decision, members of the Senate Judiciary Committee cried foul, arguing that the president has no constitutional authority to fire members of the U.S. Senate.But Bush was quick to shoot back, telling reporters, “The only people who can determine what is constitutional...
  • Humor: Choose Your Own Hillary Positions

    Crisscrossing the nation in her quest for the 2008 Democratic nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton today unveiled new state-of-the-art software that will enable voters to customize her positions on a host of issues. Dubbed "Hillary 8.0,” the software will be handed out for free at all of Clinton’s campaign rallies and could provide the technological advantage she needs to sew up her party’s nod.At a rally in Chicago, campaign workers handed out the software disks to supporters while Clinton told the crowd, "Hillary 8.0 means victory for Hillary in '08." The New York senator told her supporters that the new application "will make me the very best Hillary you want me to be, whatever that happens to be."The software, compatible for both Mac and PC users, allows potential Hillary voters to configure their very own version of Sen. Clinton, choosing from over 57,000 positions on a variety of issues ranging from health care to immigration to the war in Iraq.But according to one early user,...
  • Humor: Iran Declares War on Sparta

    In what foreign policy experts believe to be a direct response to the hit American movie “300,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today declared war on Sparta. Even for the mercurial Ahmadinejad, the move struck many diplomatic insiders as extraordinary, since the consensus in the international community is that the city-state of Sparta no longer exists.But, according to a close associate of Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president’s thoughts turned to war after seeing a matinee showing of “300” this past Saturday at the Tehran Cineplex 12. “He was hopping mad at the way the Spartans kicked the Persians’ butts,” the aide said. “I haven’t seen him this angry since he saw that thing with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.”At a press conference in Tehran today, President Ahmadinejad directed his most barbed comments at the 300 Spartan warriors depicted in the film. “So you think you are a match for the entire Persian army?” Ahmadinejad said. “Well, let’s see if you’re a match for Iran’s...
  • Humor: Gingrich Loses Longtime Supporter

    In what many political observers consider a bruising blow to a potential 2008 White House bid by Newt Gingrich, the former Speaker of the House lost one of his longtime supporters today when Satan announced that he would not support a Gingrich candidacy.For the normally reclusive Prince of Darkness, the decision to hold a press conference at the Washington Airport Marriott to reveal that he would not be supporting Gingrich struck many as extraordinary. Dressed in his traditional red cape and carrying a smoldering pitchfork, Satan stated in no uncertain terms that he would be withholding his endorsement from his former colleague: “Not only am I not supporting Newt, I am giving his soul back.”Satan’s announcement was particularly hurtful to the potential GOP presidential candidate because, in the words of Gingrich supporter Tracy Klujian, “Newt and Satan have worked so closely together in the past.”According to a close associate of the Prince of Darkness, Satan’s rift with Gingrich...
  • Humor: Bush Creates Dept. of Faulty Intel

    In response to what he called a "significant increase in the amount of misinformation about our enemies," President George W. Bush today announced that he was establishing a new Cabinet-level agency devoted solely to faulty intelligence. By creating the Department of Faulty Intelligence, Bush said, "The United States will be able to respond swiftly and preemptively to false threats before they don’t develop." ...
  • Who Isn't Running For President?

    For the first time in American history, the number of Americans running for president in 2008 will actually be greater than the number of Americans voting for president, electoral experts said today.With politicians throwing their hats in the ring at a torrid pace, by November 2008, one out of every two Americans is expected to be running for the nation’s highest office—an extraordinary figure by any measure.While the negative tone of recent election campaigns has turned off voters in record numbers, the appeal of being the world’s most powerful person has never been greater, causing the two trend lines to cross.In the last week alone, Sens. Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and Sam Brownback have established exploratory committees, but so have some 40,000 other Americans, according to Carol Foyler, executive director of the Committee on Exploratory Committees. Foyler said that the sharp increase in the number of Americans yearning to be president can be credited to President George W....
  • Evil or Just Plain Crazy?

    Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, riding high after being re-elected to a six-year term in office, set his sights on an even higher goal today, as he demanded membership in the Axis of Evil.Chavez, who made headlines at the United Nations last year by comparing President George W. Bush to Satan, has made no secret of the fact that he would like to join the exclusive club of the world’s most infamous evildoers, including North Korean leader Kim Jong Il and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.But when the Venezuelan president recently received the news that former Axis of Evil member Saddam Hussein had been hanged, “He realized that this was his time,” an aide to the Venezuelan leader said.“I want Saddam’s slot,” Chavez said at a press conference in Caracas today. “I’ve earned it.”But “not so fast,” said Kim Jong Il, who heard of Chavez’s demand while appearing at an Axis of Evil charity golf tournament in Scottsdale, Ariz.While the North Korean leader said that he is “a big fan of...
  • ‘I Resolve…’

    In an unprecedented televised address to the nation last night, President George W. Bush announced a list of his New Year’s resolutions for 2007, telling the American people, “I am a big believer in abiding by resolutions, as long as they don’t come from the United Nations.”The following is a list of the president's New Year’s resolutions:“I resolve to pay close attention to the recommendations of the Iraq Study Group’s report, as soon as it comes out on a books-on-tape version.“I resolve to make sure that by the end of 2007, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki gets to spend more time with his family.“I resolve to tell John Kerry that I thought his Iraq joke was hilarious and he should keep ‘em coming.“I resolve to learn how to use the Internets, especially the Google.“I resolve to invite Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to a peacemaking lunch at Taco Bell.“I resolve to organize a hunting trip for Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi.“I resolve to expand the search for Osama bin Laden to...
  • Lou Dobbs Issues Warning to Santa

    CNN anchor Lou Dobbs devoted his entire news broadcast last night to a searing exposé of Santa Claus, in which he warned the legendary fat man not to cross the United States' border with Canada on Christmas Eve.Dobbs has made "America's broken borders" one of his signature crusades in recent years. But even for viewers familiar with his incendiary rants about illegal immigration and cheap foreign imports, his attack on Santa Claus seemed particularly vitriolic. "To our knowledge, Santa Claus is a resident of the North Pole and therefore is doing business in the United States as an undocumented worker," Dobbs told his television audience. "In short, he is taking jobs away from hard-working American toy-delivery personnel while the government looks the other way."Dobbs also pressed Congress to open a "full investigation" into the country of origin of the gift items in Santa Claus' sack. "We have reason to believe that Santa's sack is full of cheap gift items manufactured in China,...
  • No Timetable

    In a press conference at the White House today, President George W. Bush flatly refused to set a timetable for reading the Iraq Study Group's report, telling reporters that doing so "would send the wrong message to our enemies."When the group issued its report last week, many in Washington assumed that the president would move the book to the top of his reading list, but today's press conference left little doubt that Bush has no intention of being pressured into finishing the 160-page volume."If I were to announce that I planned to finish reading this book by summer of '07, or early '08, or some other artificial deadline, that would be giving our enemies exactly what they want," Bush told reporters. "And so I am going to stay the course and finish the book I am currently reading: 'Marley & Me: Life and Love with the World's Worst Dog.'"According to Professor Davis Logsdon, who teaches a course in the president's reading habits at the University of Minnesota, anyone who expects...
  • Hot Air

    Amid increasing signs that Senator Hillary Clinton is preparing to make a bid for the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination, former vice president Al Gore released a new film today in which he warns that Clinton's candidacy could destroy the planet.Gore, the Democratic standard bearer in 2000, makes the controversial charge in a sequel to his film "An Inconvenient Truth," entitled "A Really, Really Inconvenient Truth."In the film, the former vice president says that Clinton's campaign war chest, estimated at over $20 million, would be spent on campaign buses and planes that would consume "egregious" amounts of fossil fuels and cause "catastrophic climate change.""As Hillary crisscrosses the country in her gas-guzzling Clintonmobile, we can expect to see the planet heat up like a big old bag of microwave popcorn," Gore explains.  "If we don't want to see a bunch of penguins stranded on itty-bitty chunks of ice, Hillary Clinton must be stopped."At the conclusion of the film, Mr....

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