Andy Borowitz

Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • Making His Numbers

    President George W. Bush used the occasion of the NATO summit in Latvia today to unveil an ambitious plan for the remainder of his term in office, vowing to complete up to twenty Sudoku puzzles a day between now and 2009.To many of the leaders gathering in Latvia who had expected to see a chastened U.S. president in the aftermath of his party's midterm election losses, Bush's ambitious Sudoku agenda came as a complete surprise."All of those critics out there who expected George Bush to roll over for the next two years are going to be sorely disappointed," said Portuguese president Aníbal Cavaco Silva.  "He had a lot of pencils sharpened and he seems totally prepared to use them."While some NATO leaders seemed nonplussed by Bush's Sudoku agenda, British Prime Minister and fellow lame duck Tony Blair pledged to join the president in completing twenty Sudoku puzzles a day, pronouncing them "jolly good."Professor Davis Logsdon, who heads up the political science department of the...
  • Lame Duck Pardons Turkey

    Sending a message to the newly elected Democratic congress that he has no intention of acting like a lame duck for the remainder of his term in office, President George W. Bush took the bold step of pardoning a turkey on the front lawn of the White House today.In what White House insiders are calling an act of "poultry solidarity," the president said that he had decided to pardon the turkey months ago and was determined to "stay the course.""I'm the decider, and I have decided that this turkey is innocent," Bush told the gaggle of White House press corps assembled on the lawn.While the president clearly chose to pardon the turkey as a way of showing Democratic leaders that he was still a force to be reckoned with, one aide acknowledged that Bush had a much bolder move in mind before his party's "thumpin’" in the midterm elections: "He wanted to pardon Jack Abramoff."But moments after Bush released the turkey from captivity, incoming Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi blasted the...
  • Dwarf Presidency

    An international group of scientists who demoted the planet Pluto to dwarf status three months ago met in Oslo, Norway, today and reclassified the Bush White House as a dwarf presidency.In the aftermath of the midterm elections, in which the president's party lost control of both the House and the Senate, the scientists called an emergency meeting in Oslo to determine if the Bush administration in fact still qualified as a presidency.But with the president's approval rating in a free fall, it became clear even before the scientists convened that some sort of reclassification along the lines of the Pluto demotion was in order. "When the president's approval rating fell below Kevin Federline's, that was the last nail in the coffin," said Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke of the University of Tokyo. According to Dr. Kyosuke, one of the 70 scientists who gathered in Oslo to reassess the Bush presidency, dwarf status means that Bush is "less than a president, but more than a mayor."In another...
  • Itinerate Goo Sellers Protest

    Two months after the Federal Aviation Administration instituted tough new restrictions on liquids and gels on all domestic flights, traveling liquid and gel salespeople marched on Washington en masse today to protest the FAA's action.The National Association of Traveling Liquid and Gel Salespeople, a group which represents over 150,000 of the nation's itinerant goo sellers, organized today's march, which began at the Capitol building and ended in front of the White House.Carol Foyler, the executive director of the liquid and gel salespeople's group, said that her association's members were being "unfairly profiled" by the FAA and had every intention of making the "oppressive" regulations a key issue in next week's midterm elections."Liquid and gel salespeople are what made this country great," Foyler said. "America's laborers built the railroad, but it was our moisturizers and hand creams that kept their skin supple and radiant."While spirits were high among the marchers who...
  • You Dropped a Rhetorical Bomb on Me, Baby

    In a nationally televised speech from the White House today, President George W. Bush warned North Korean President Kim Jong-Il that he is prepared to back up his tough talk on North Korea's nuclear program with "even tougher talk."After the mercurial Kim tested his nation's first nuclear device two weeks ago, many in diplomatic circles wondered if Bush would retaliate with more than strong words. Today's speech left little doubt on that score as the U.S. president said that he was "prepared to strike back with the strongest words ever.""To Kim Jong-Il, let me say this," Bush said.  "Abandon your nuclear program at once, or you will face the full fury of the United States of America's harshest rhetoric."At the Pentagon, officials said the President was mulling a series of options to punish North Korea, including a tactical speech lasting ten to fifteen minutes or a more devastating verbal assault that could last up to an hour.Later in the day, White House spokesman Tony Snow said...
  • Michael Jackson Wants to Be Startin’ Something

    In a stunning development that could radically alter the electoral landscape in the upcoming midterm congressional elections, the singer Michael Jackson announced today that he would run for the seat vacated last Friday by former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.).Jackson told reporters that he had never shown much interest in politics before, but added, "When I started reading about Mark Foley, I realized that the House of Representatives was my kind of place."The platinum-selling recording artist drew big crowds in his first day of campaigning, delighting onlookers in Orlando by getting out of his limo and dancing on its roof.But in one regrettable gaffe for the novice politician, Jackson kissed a baby in Daytona Beach and then dangled the child from a hotel balcony."My bad," Jackson later said.House Republicans expressed muted support for Jackson's election bid, with Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert saying that he knew of nothing in the singer's past that would prevent him from serving...
  • Maya Mia!

    One day after he compared the United States to the doomed Mayan civilization while promoting his new movie at a film festival in Texas, actor Mel Gibson today offered a heartfelt apology for offending the doomed Mayans with his remarks.At a press conference in Los Angeles, the embattled actor took great pains to explain that it was in no way his attention to offend doomed Mayans with his remarks."Yesterday, when I compared the United States to the doomed Mayan civilization, I had no idea that there were any doomed Mayans still around," Gibson said.  "I was basically going on the assumption that since they were doomed a long time ago, I was pretty much in the clear."Gibson's apology came just hours after an angry statement was made by the National Coalition of Doomed Mayans, a watchdog group that monitors the portrayal of doomed Mayans in the media."We Mayans may be doomed, but we have feelings," said a representative of the group, which is urging all doomed Mayans to boycott Gibson...
  • No Server Left Unturned

    In a nationally televised speech today, President George W. Bush issued his most direct threat ever to Osama bin Laden, vowing to use the search engine Google to find the Al Qaeda terror leader."Osama bin Laden, you can run, but you can't hide," Bush said, with his trademark steely resolve.  "Google will find you."The president concluded his speech by warning the world's most wanted man, "I'm Googling you right now. And I'm feeling lucky."News reports that the CIA had recently disbanded a special unit dedicated to finding bin Laden suggested that the White House no longer saw his capture as a top priority. But Bush’s decision to use what he called "the most powerful search engine on the Internets" has sent a different message.But even as the president announced plans to enlist Google in the search for bin Laden, he attempted to manage the expectations of the American people, warning, "The Googling of Osama bin Laden will be a long and arduous Googling."Bush also acknowledged that he...
  • Child, 11, Left Behind

    In what critics are calling a sign that President Bush's "No Child Left Behind" law is not delivering on its promise, an 11 year old child in Toledo, Ohio was left behind today.On a day when millions of American children returned to school, the news that a child had been left behind came at a most inopportune moment for the president, who has repeatedly vowed that his educational policy would have a zero-tolerance policy toward the leaving behind of children.Zack Steidel, the Toledo boy who was left behind, seemed to be taking his newsworthy status in stride today."I didn't want to go to school anyway," said Steidel.  "This way I can just stay at home and play Xbox, which totally rocks."White House spokesman Tony Snow tried to downplay the importance of Steidel having been left behind."At this point it is way too early to say that Zack being left behind means that 'No Child Left Behind' does not work," Snow said.  "He may have just missed the school bus."But education expert Davis...
  • A DA’s Plea

    In an attempt to explain a mystery that has baffled millions for the past two weeks, Boulder County District Attorney Mary Lacy pleaded insanity today for her decision to arrest John Mark Karr for the murder of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey.Since Karr’s arrest two weeks ago, many have questioned the wisdom of holding someone for the Ramsey murder without any evidence that that person had ever set foot in Boulder, the Colorado town where the killing took place.In a press conference in Boulder today, Lacy hoped that her insanity plea would put the mystery to rest, telling reporters, "I was out of my mind when I arrested John Mark Karr."While the insanity plea is expected to satisfy many who were baffled by Lacy’s decision to arrest Karr, criminologist Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota says that it only provides "one piece of the puzzle.""The question remains, why would someone arrest a whackjob like John Mark Karr for a murder he clearly did not commit?" Logsdon said. ...
  • Axis of Eviler

    Furious at Iran's decision to test-fire surface-to-surface missiles and push forward with its nuclear program, President George W. Bush today named the country to a newly formed Axis of Eviler.The president said that he had invented the new Axis specifically for Iran because “the word ‘evil’ does not describe just how evil these folks really are.”Bush singled out Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for special condemnation, calling the provocative head of state an “evildoer.”The president said that at first he was not sure whether “eviler” or “evilerdoer” were actually words, “but then I checked with [Secretary of Defense] Don Rumsfeld who assured me that they were.”While the promotion of Iran from Axis of Evil to Axis of Eviler drew no initial response from President Ahmadinejad, it sparked an angry reaction from North Korean President Kim Jong-Il, who said today, “North Korea will not sit idly by and allow another nation to be called eviler than it.”President Kim said that his...
  • ‘People Kill People’

    In a move aimed at further tightening airport security, the Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it would ban all people from flights leaving or entering the United States, effective immediately.The FAA, which has in the past banned such objects as toenail clippers and hair gel, took the extraordinary step of banning people after the Department of Homeland Security conducted a thorough investigation of previous terror plots."We looked at terror plots of the past, and in each and every case, people were involved," said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff at a Washington press briefing. "These new rules send the strong message that the FAA has zero tolerance for people."Chertoff said that while banning liquids from flights was a constructive step, the only true solution was to ban people altogether. "Let's face it, hair gel doesn't kill people," he said. "People kill people."The Homeland Security secretary acknowledged that the new rules would curtail...
  • Pro Athlete Tests Negative for Steroids

    The world of sports was rocked today by the news that a professional athlete had tested negative for steroids in a random drug test administered by his team.Brant Clarkdale, a utility infielder for the Kansas City Royals who has never hit a home run at the major league level, set off a firestorm of controversy with his negative test results."Frankly, I have never heard of such a thing," said Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del).  "We need to have a full investigation to determine if this is an isolated incident, or whether steroid non-usage is rampant in Major League Baseball."At a hastily called press conference in Kansas City, Clarkdale attempted to explain how it came to pass that he had not taken steroids as part of his training regimen."I was working with a personal trainer who was using two different creams, one clear and one white, which I thought were steroids," Clarkdale said.  "I was wrong—they were just creams.""I'm so ashamed," he added.At Kaufman Stadium, home to the Royals, fans...
  • Iran’s Nuclear Frisson

    In what some diplomats believe could be the long hoped-for break in the nuclear stalemate between the United States and Iran, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today offered to abandon his nation's nuclear program in exchange for North Korea's nuclear program.Ahmadinejad made the surprise announcement in an interview today on the al-Jazeera network's popular news program, "The Situation Cave.""My country is fully prepared to dismantle our peaceful nuclear program, once and for all," Ahmadinejad said.  "In compensation for doing so, we would like to have North Korea's highly warlike nuclear program transferred to Iran at once."There was no official response from the U.S. State Department to Ahmadinejad’s surprise offer, but diplomatic insiders said that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was taking a "close look" at the proposal.But the Iranian proposal got a thumbs-up from North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, who said that he would "happily" transfer his nuclear capability to...
  • Farewell, Constitution

    In a nationally televised Fourth of July address, President George W. Bush stunned the nation by announcing that he was declaring himself independent from the United States Constitution.“Just as our forefathers threw off the horrible yoke of British rule on July 4, 1776, today I am throwing off the yoke of this truly annoying document,” Bush said.The president said that the original copy of the Constitution would be auctioned on eBay and that proceeds from that sale would help pay for a “long overdue” cut in the estate tax.According to White House aides, ever since the Supreme Court decided last week that the use of military tribunals in Guantanamo was unconstitutional Bush had been looking for a way around that decision, even contemplating sending the Justices themselves to Gitmo.Ultimately, one aide said, the president decided that a declaration of independence from the constitution was the most workable solution: “The fact is, whenever we’re trying to get something done around...
  • U.S. Threatens North Korea With Ann Coulter Launch

    In an act of retaliation for North Korean president Kim Jong-Il's plan to test a long-range missile that could reach California, the U.S. today threatened to launch conservative pundit Ann Coulter in the direction of North Korea.President George W. Bush announced the plan to weaponize Coulter in a nationally televised address."If North Korea intends to test the most deadly weapon in its arsenal, we will have no alternative but to use the most deadly weapon in ours," Bush said.  "And that weapon is Ann Coulter."Mr. Bush did not indicate how and when Coulter could be fired toward Pyongyang, but most military experts believe that she has already been loaded onto a nuclear submarine and could be launched at any moment.At the United Nations, an emergency session of the Security Council was convened to discourage the U.S. from deploying Coulter, who is seen by many in the international community as the ultimate doomsday weapon.Fears abound that if Coulter were fired toward Pyongyang, she...
  • Gallon of Gas Fetches Record Price at Sotheby's

    In a frenzy of bidding that many in the auction industry called unprecedented, a gallon of gas fetched a record price today at the legendary auction house Sotheby's.Alistair Crutchfield, director of Sotheby's rare gasoline and diesel fuel department, would not disclose how much the winning bidder, a Japanese collector, paid for the gallon of gas, saying only, "This is the sort of money people usually spend on a Picasso or a Matisse."A spokesman for the collector acknowledged that his client had paid a record sum to acquire the gallon of gas, but added, "He wanted to lock in a price before summer driving season got underway."When word spread about a month ago that Sotheby's was going to put a gallon of gas up for auction, some wondered whether the offering would attract much interest from collectors, but based on the massive crowd that showed up at the company's New York headquarters today, interest in owning a gallon of gas is now at a fever pitch."Most wealthy people already own...
  • Millions Struggling With Loss Of Couric

    In the immediate aftermath of Katie Couric's departure from NBC's "Today" show, millions of Americans are struggling to cope with the gaping void in their lives caused by the perky morning host's exit, medical professionals confirmed today.According to the National Institute of Mental Health, an epidemic of Couric-related disorders has spread across the country in the days following her farewell episode of "Today" as viewers who were emotionally dependent upon the veteran television personality have felt increasingly listless and lost without her."Next to death, divorce and disease, the loss of a longtime television personality is the greatest trauma a person can suffer," says Dr. Carol Foyler, a mental health professional.  "People suffered a similar loss when Sarah Jessica Parker stopped doing 'Sex in the City,' but then she popped up right away again in those Gap ads."Foyler says that for many Americans who have for years depended on Couric for their sanity, her departure from ...
  • China Calls In U.S. Loans, Demands California

    In a move expected to roil the world economy, China today called in all of its loans to the United States and demanded the State of California as repayment.For years, economists have seen the U.S.'s heavy debt burden to China as something of a ticking time bomb, but few anticipated that Chinese President Hu Jintao would insist that the U.S. repay the loans by signing over ownership of the Golden State.According to University of Minnesota economist Davis Logsdon, owning California would give the Chinese an opportunity to reverse its longstanding relationship with the U.S.: "China would own the Hollywood film business, and the U.S. would have to settle for pirated DVDs."Losing California could be good news for Republicans, since the state has voted blue in the last few presidential elections and is home to such high-profile Hollywood liberals as Barbra Streisand and Steven Spielberg.But the move could be bad news for California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who, according to one...
  • Hoffa Taunts U.S. in New Video

    Late Teamster leader Jimmy Hoffa appeared in a new video broadcast worldwide today in which he taunted the Federal Bureau of Investigation for failing to find him in their recent search for his remains.For the FBI, whose credibility as the nation's top crime investigation unit has been somewhat tarnished in recent years, the surprising appearance of the Hoffa video is just the latest in a series of setbacks.Looking surprisingly vigorous for a man who has not been heard from in over thirty years, Hoffa twitted the FBI agents for failing to locate him in Milford Township, about thirty miles north of Detroit."You can dig all you want, but you're never going to find Jimmy Hoffa," he said in the just-released video, adding, "I'm going to Disneyland!"At the Federal Bureau of Investigation, officials said that they were studying the video closely and that early analysis indicated that it was authentic.Hoffa's taunts have created a public relations nightmare of sorts for the agency, who...
  • Bush to Move Lou Dobbs to the Mexican Border

    In his toughest stand yet against illegal immigration, President George W. Bush today announced that he would move CNN anchorman Lou Dobbs to the United States' border with Mexico.The move is a reversal for the president, who one day earlier had announced that he was moving 6,000 National Guard troops to the Mexican border. The decision to dispatch Mr. Dobbs, Bush said, means that the deployment of Guard troops is no longer necessary."It is my belief that America's most powerful weapon against illegal immigration has always been and will always be Lou Dobbs," Bush said in a nationally televised address.Speaking from his studio in New York, Dobbs said he would continue broadcasting his nightly "Moneyline" program from the Mexican border while keeping an eye out for illegal aliens trying to sneak across it.Mexican president Vicente Fox, who was already concerned by Bush's decision to send troops to the border, was incensed today by the decision to deploy the CNN anchorman, calling the...
  • Gore Offers Self as Alternative to Hillary, Ambien

    Contemplating a run for the White House in 2008, Al Gore is positioning himself as an alternative to both Senator Hillary Clinton and the sleeping pill Ambien, aides to the former vice president confirmed today.With a growing number of Democrats concerned about Clinton's possible candidacy and an increasing segment of the population worried about side effects from the popular sleeping pill, Gore's aides believe that their candidate is uniquely qualified to offer himself as an alternative to both."Al Gore can say, 'I am not Hillary, but I have the experience to be president,'" one Gore aide said. "Additionally, he can say, 'I am not Ambien, but I will put you to sleep.'"In an effort to show that he is a safe, effective alternative to Ambien, the former vice president is touring the country with a documentary he made about global warming entitled "An Inconvenient Truth.""Unlike Ambien, Al Gore is giving audiences hours of satisfying, restful sleep with no side effects," the aide said...
  • Look-Alike Beats Bush

    President Bush's appearance with a comedic look-alike at last Saturday's White House Correspondents' Association Dinner in Washington may have backfired, as a new poll released today shows that the public prefers Bush's look-alike to the president himself by an almost three-to-one margin.According to the survey conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, in a head-to-head match-up Bush's imposter garners 74 percent support while the president gets only 25 percent, with the other one percent saying they found "no difference" between Bush and his funnyman look-alike.And while only 36 percent of those surveyed approve of the job Bush is doing as president, 97 percent approve of the job Bush's look-alike is doing of ridiculing the job Bush is doing as president.Dr. Davis Logsdon, who supervised the survey for the University of Minnesota, believes that while the new poll numbers are troubling news for the president, Bush could dramatically improve his standing...
  • Retired Oil Executives Voice Support for Rumsfeld

    Responding to the chorus of retired generals who have recently called for Donald Rumsfeld's ouster, hundreds of retired oil company executives marched on Washington today to show their support for the secretary of Defense.The former executives, members of the Retired Petroleum Titans of America, advanced on the nation's capital in what was believed to be the largest chauffeur-driven protest march in American history. With their chauffeurs holding protest signs reading "SUPPORT OUR CRUDE" with one hand while steering with the other, the former oil bigwigs demonstrated their support for the man they believe to be the greatest defense secretary ever. Champ Greeley, chairman of the retired oil executives group, said that his fellow petroleum eminences took time out from their annual golf outing in the Virgin Islands to show their backing for the embattled Rumsfeld. "I know that the retired generals aren't happy with the job Secretary Rumsfeld is doing, but there are two sides to every...
  • Katie Holmes to Give Birth on the Moon

    Expectant parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced plans today to give birth on the moon in what appears to be an escalating competition with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for the nuttiest birth plan in history.In a press conference at Cape Canaveral, where Cruise was conferring with NASA officials about the final details of the couple’s lunar journey, the actor denied that the plan to give birth on the moon was in any way motivated by the other couple’s decision to deliver their baby in Namibia. “I have been training to get my body accustomed to zero gravity for months now,” Cruise told reporters.  “That’s why I jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch.” Cruise said he and Holmes chose the moon because “it is really, really quiet there,” adding, “There are no human beings on the moon, no paparazzi, and most importantly, no psychiatrists.” News of the Cruise-Holmes plan to deliver their child on the moon sent the Pitt-Jolie camp scrambling to make their birth plan even more insane,...
  • Osama Joins the Girls

    Television's game of musical chairs, which began with Katie Couric's move from NBC's "Today" to the “CBS Evening News" and continued with Meredith Vieira's shift from ABC's "The View" to "Today," reached critical mass today as Osama bin Laden announced that he would leave the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera network to fill Vieira's spot on "The View."The choice of bin Laden, a veteran of thousands of hours of televised terror tapes but a newcomer to morning TV, struck many in the television industry as bizarre, but ABC spokeswoman Carol Foiyer called his selection "a home run for us." "Osama is clearly going to bring in a whole new demographic," Foiyer told reporters in New York. "Traditionally, 'The View' has been very strong with women but relatively weak with rabid jihadists." Foiyer said that bin Laden would not appear on the New York set of "The View" but would be allowed to do his job from a remote undisclosed location: "Basically, we're giving him the same deal Dick Cheney has."...
  • Bush Says Paralysis of Iraqi Government a Sign of Democracy

    President George W. Bush said today that the infighting and partisan wrangling that have brought the Iraqi government to a standstill are "signs that true democracy has taken root in Iraq."At a White House briefing, Bush said the fact that the newly formed government of Iraq is in the grip of paralysis shows that American-style democracy can be successfully exported to a Middle Eastern nation.   "It took the United States government hundreds of years to attain the level of inactivity we currently enjoy," Bush told reporters.  "The Iraqi people have achieved that in just a matter of months." While Bush praised the Iraqis for establishing such key democratic institutions as partisan squabbling and gridlock, he cautioned that much work needs to be done before Iraq can be considered a true democracy.  "Iraq still has not had a major campaign fundraising scandal," he noted. He said that key elements of a democracy, such as indicted lawmakers and disgraced lobbyists, were still largely...
  • Pumped-Up Charges?

    San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds, who has been resolutely silent while allegations of steroid use have swirled around him, broke his silence today by demanding drug tests for all baseball journalists. At a press conference at the Giants' spring training facility, Bonds claimed that such tests were necessary because most of the recent books about steroid use in baseball were written by journalists on steroids."In the 1970s there were no books about steroid use, and now a new one comes out every week," Bonds said. "The only way to explain such an extreme increase in production is that these writers are obviously juiced."Bonds' charges drew an immediate rebuttal from Carol Foyler, a spokesperson for the Baseball Writers Association of America, who denied that baseball journalists were on steroids and instead attributed their increased production to advancements in nutrition and training. "Having said that, it is not unusual for writers to use dietary supplements to complete...
  • Ken Lay Claims Amnesia After Coconut Fell on His Head

    In what many experts are calling a high-stakes legal strategy, former Enron CEO Ken Lay testified at his trial today that a coconut fell on his head while he was running the Texas energy company, causing amnesia that wiped out all memory of anything that happened during his tenure there.While most trial watchers expected Lay's defense team to use inventive tactics to secure an acquittal for the embattled former CEO, few expected the coconut-falling-on-head explanation for Lay's claim that he was out of the loop during the entirety of Enron's multibillion-dollar fall from grace.As the trial resumed this morning, Lay's defense attorney used a diagram, a pointer and a coconut itself to dramatize the incident in what legal experts are already calling "The Gilligan Defense.""As you can see, a coconut that Lay kept on a high shelf of his office bookcase rolled off the shelf, landing squarely on his head, and causing total amnesia," Lay's attorney told a stunned courtroom.Moments after the...
  • They Are Not Amused

    Weeks after Dick Cheney's shooting accident became the staple of television comedians' monologues, the Pentagon today dispatched the first shipment of vice presidential hunting jokes to Iraq.With sectarian violence in Iraq continuing to rise, the Pentagon hopes that laughter over the Cheney’s hunting mishap will serve to unite Sunnis and Shiites and bring the country back from the brink of civil war."For weeks, Americans of every stripe have laughed about Dick Cheney shooting his friend in the face," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said at a Pentagon briefing today.  "We are hopeful that by laughing at Dick Cheney together, both Sunnis and Shiites will find common ground."The Cheney jokes were culled from late-night television, translated into Arabic, and then printed on flyers that were airdropped over the war-torn nation in the early hours of the morning, Rumsfeld said.He added that if the Dick Cheney quips take root in Iraq, he could envision a scenario in which similar...