• Humor: McCain Puts Campaign Bus on eBay

    In what some political observers are calling an ominous sign for his cash-starved White House bid, Republican presidential hopeful Sen. John McCain today posted his campaign bus, the Straight Talk Express, on the Internet auction site eBay. McCain denied that the move stemmed from money problems, stressing instead that he had decided to sell the bus so that it would no longer provide fodder for sarcastic headlines such as WHEELS COME OFF STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS or STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS: OUT OF GAS?“The Straight Talk Express was giving headline writers too much to work with,” Sen. McCain told reporters. “They won’t be able to do that anymore, now that I’m getting around from town to town on a Segway.”Davis Logsdon, dean of the journalism school at the University of Minnesota, said that the number of sarcastic headlines riffing on the name of McCain’s campaign had swelled to as many as 7,000 in the last two weeks alone. “Every morning, newspapers were running headlines like STRAIGHT...
  • Humor: TB Guy Tops Bush in New Poll

    In the latest erosion of George W. Bush’s job-approval rating, a new poll released today reveals that the president is now less popular among the American people than the so-called “TB Guy,” Atlanta attorney Andrew Speaker. While Bush’s ratings have been in a virtual free-fall in recent months, few political insiders expected him to be trounced by Speaker, who has been accused of exposing airline passengers to tuberculosis.Additionally, the poll results are historic in another way, since they mark the first time that a sitting president has been deemed less popular than a quarantined disease carrier.But at the White House today, official spokesman Tony Snow tried to put a positive spin on the numbers, saying that Speaker’s poll numbers received an artificial “bounce” as a result of all of the press coverage he has received in recent days. “If President Bush had been quarantined for spreading tuberculosis around the world, his numbers would be right up there with the TB Guy’s,” Snow...
  • Humor: Hillary Tempts Gore With Sweets

    In a move that raised eyebrows among observers of the 2008 campaign for the Democratic nomination for president, Sen. Hillary Clinton today sent former vice president Al Gore a gift basket laden with high-calorie treats.While the basket, chocked full of such sumptuous snacks as chocolate croissants and pecan buns, was ostensibly a gift to congratulate Gore on the publication of his new book, “The Assault on Reason,” some members of the former vice president’s staff saw more sinister motives in Sen. Clinton’s choice of present.With Gore battling his waistline in recent years, any potential run for the White House in 2008 would presumably require a period of dieting and slimming down—processes that the basket of lip-smacking temptations seemed calculated to thwart. At a press conference in Washington this morning, Carol Foyler, a senior member of Gore’s staff, told reporters that the basket of sugary delicacies had been “immediately identified as a threat to the vice president” and...
  • Humor: Bush Names Wolfowitz President of Al Qaeda

    In a bold move to undermine the international terror network, President George W. Bush today named former deputy defense secretary and World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz to be the new president of Al Qaeda.Wolfowitz, who has no experience running an international terror organization, struck many Washington insiders as an unlikely choice for the Al Qaeda job.But in a White House ceremony introducing his nominee for the top terror post, President Bush indicated that Wolfowitz’s role in planning the war in Iraq and bringing scandal to the World Bank showed that he was “just the man” to bring chaos and disorder to Al Qaeda.“I’ve seen Paul Wolfowitz in action,” said Bush, a beaming Wolfowitz at his side.  “If anyone can mess up Al Qaeda, it’s this guy.”Several key details in the president’s plan still need to be worked out, such as how exactly Wolfowitz will infiltrate Al Qaeda and rise to the top position in its ranks.“Al Qaeda closely screens all of its top officers,” said Hassan El...
  • Humor: GOP Courts Elusive White Males

    In a nationally televised debate last night, the 10 candidates for the Republican presidential nomination engaged in a battle royal, with each candidate staking his claim to the title of the whitest white male in the GOP race. With the elusive white male voter holding the keys to victory in the GOP nomination, all 10 candidates seemed mindful of reaching out to that often-forgotten voting bloc.The question of “who is the whitest” came up in the opening minutes of the debate held on the campus of the University of South Carolina, where hundreds of concerned white male voters gathered to hear the candidates speak.“Not only am I the whitest male in this race, I am the whitest male named Thompson in this race,” said former Wisconsin governor Tommy Thompson in an apparent reference to former Tennessee senator Fred Thompson, who is poised to become the eleventh white male vying for the GOP nod.Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney went on the offensive when he cited his “impeccable...

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