Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • Playmate’s Date With Justice

    As Anna Nicole Smith brought her claim for the fortune of her late husband, Texas billionaire J. Howard Marshall II, to the United States Supreme Court, a broad-based coalition of golddiggers and gigolos marched on Washington to show their support for the former Playboy playmate.The National Association of Golddiggers and Gigolos, an organization that boasts a membership of over 50,000, organized a rally to demonstrate their solidarity with one of their most celebrated peers.Smith’s quest for her fair share of Marshall’s billions might not seem like a popular cause, but to the hundreds of golddiggers and gigolos who appeared on the steps of the nation’s highest court today, it is a matter of survival.Cristall Klujian, a former stripper who now works as a full-time golddigger, says that the Smith case “could very well determine whether golddigging is a viable occupation in the United States of America.”“To the outside world, being a golddigger may seem like easy money,” Klujian said....
  • Cheney Alert

    Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced today that his department would immediately implement a “Cheney Alert” system to warn Americans if an attack by the vice president is imminent.The Department of Homeland Security has been under pressure to respond to the widespread panic and anxiety that have gripped the nation since Cheney shot and wounded a fellow quail hunter while on a hunting trip in Texas over the weekend.Across the country, people have holed up in their homes and hoarded food and water, fearing another senseless attack by the gun-toting vice president.“What we have learned, the hard way, is that Dick Cheney can attack without warning,” Chertoff said.  “It is our hope that with this Cheney Alert system we will be able to give the American people some warning before he strikes again.”The alert system, with five color-coded levels indicating the likelihood of another brutal pellet attack by the Vice President, was derided by some in Congress such as Sen....
  • Runaway Redux

    With the all-news networks locked in the high-stakes ratings competition known as February sweeps, representatives from the cable outlets have approached Jennifer Wilbanks to induce her to run away yet again, a representative for the "runaway bride" confirmed today.According to sources familiar with the negotiations, a bidding war over Wilbanks erupted over the weekend, with the cable news operations offering as much as $1 million dollars to convince Wilbanks to reprise her vanishing act."We need Jennifer to run away, and we need her to do it very badly," said one network source who spoke on condition of anonymity. "It's February sweeps, and there's no Michael Jackson trial, no avian flu pandemic and no shark attacks."The source said that in addition to the $1 million offer, his network was applying "big-time pressure" on the erstwhile Runaway Bride: "We are basically telling her, we made you the Runaway Bride, and you owe us."In a press conference this morning, an agent...
  • Mixed Signals

    In his first day at home since stepping down from his post as chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan made a series of cryptic, inscrutable pronouncements that left his wife, NBC's Andrea Mitchell, totally baffled.The former Fed chief was renowned for his confusing, often incomprehensible statements about the financial markets and the economy while testifying to Congress, but according to Mitchell, those remarks were "a piece of cake" to understand compared to the mixed messages he has been sending at home.The trouble began at the breakfast table, Mitchell said, when she asked the former Fed chief what he wanted to eat, a question which led to a serpentine 45-minute response. "To order ham and eggs at this time is tempting, but may not be warranted given my desire to keep my cholesterol below a reasonable ceiling," Greenspan reportedly said.Later in the day, Greenspan reviewed several of the family's credit card statements and warned Mitchell against "irrational exuberance,"...
  • Completely Exposed

    President George W. Bush found himself embroiled in controversy today with the publication of five photos showing him and disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff totally naked.The photos, published yesterday in Payboy, a magazine devoted to nude pictures of disgraced lobbyists, appeared to fly in the face of the president's claims that he had never met Abramoff. The five photos, which appear to have been taken on five different occasions, show the two naked men smiling and shaking hands. "The fact that they are smiling and shaking hands proves that they know each other," said Davis Logsdon, the magazine's photo editor.At the White House, the president's top advisers were working overtime to limit the political havoc that the nude photos could wreak. At a press briefing this morning, White House spokesman Scott McClellan spoke dismissively of the controversy, calling the brouhaha over the naked photos "a tempest in a teapot."McClellan said, "These naked pictures of the president and Jack...
  • Alito's Agenda

    At his confirmation hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee today, Judge Samuel Alito tried to convince members of the committee that he did not have an agenda, telling them at one point that, "Not only do I not have an agenda, I do not have an agenda book."The bombshell about Judge Alito's purported lack of an agenda book (sometimes called a daily planner or daybook) drew a skeptical reaction from Democrats on the committee, many of whom found it hard to believe that an appeals judge with a busy schedule could stay organized without owning an agenda book of any kind.Even under tough questioning, however, Alito stuck to his story, telling Sen. Chuck Schumer, "I don't have an agenda book, period. I show up at the court every day and I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do."The judge said that if confirmed as a justice of the United States Supreme Court, "I will continue my practice of not owning an agenda book and not knowing what I am doing."But just as Alito appeared...
  • It's New Year Already?

    Former Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael Brown said today that he had not yet made his New Year's resolutions for 2006 but vowed to have them done by March 1 "at the very latest."Brown apologized for the delay at a Washington press conference that was originally called for 10 a.m. but was not actually held until 4 p.m.The former FEMA chief, visibly embarrassed by not having made his New Year's resolutions in a timely fashion, said that he had been "caught unawares" by the change in years."I turned on the TV and saw that ball dropping, and I was like, holy cow, I better get on this," Brown said.Despite his delay in making his resolutions, Brown said he expects 2006 to be a big year for him and his new disaster preparedness consulting firm, adding, "By the end of 2006, the name Michael Brown will be synonymous with disaster."At the White House, President Bush briefly commented on Mr. Brown's delay in making his New Year's resolutions, telling reporters, "I'm sure...
  • Bush Happy With Rita Photo Ops

    In a televised speech to the nation last night, President George W. Bush praised the Federal government for responding swiftly to Hurricane Rita with well-crafted, high-quality photo opportunities showing him looking concerned. But he said that the government needs to create the impression of concern even faster in the future.Mr. Bush said the fact that the government provided the first images of him looking grave and engaged in the crisis even before Hurricane Rita slammed into the Texas and Louisiana coastline showed that it had learned the lessons of Hurricane Katrina. "After Hurricane Katrina, it was hours before the American people saw the first photos of me furrowing my brow and looking serious," Mr. Bush said. "But with Rita, we had high-quality images of me looking worried right from the get-go."While praising the swiftness of the government's photo-op response to Rita, the president said that "much work still needs to be done" to ensure that the government will produce high...
  • The Borowitz Report: Low-Cash Diet

    Two days after filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, Atkins Nutritionals Inc. said today that although its low-carb diet had lost its luster, the company was introducing what it called "a low-cash diet guaranteed to melt those pounds away."At Atkins headquarters, company spokesman Dalton Pankow said that the company's financial woes had inspired the new low-cash diet, which he said was based on a very simple principle: "Essentially, once you're on the diet, you don't eat anything that costs money."As a result, Pankow explained, "The diet is low on carbs, but it is also low on protein and pretty much everything else."Showing a newly reconfigured Atkins food period, Pankow said that dieters on the new low-cash weight-loss program would eat mainly free ketchup and mustard packets foraged from fast-food restaurants like McDonald's and Burger King."And at the end of the first week, to celebrate you have a packet of relish for dessert," Pankow added.While dieticians studying Atkins' newest...
  • The Borowitz Report: Right Turn for Tour de France

    Moments after seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong announced that he was retiring from competitive cycling, the White House served notice that it intended to replace him with a cyclist who shares President George W. Bush's conservative political views.While Armstrong has never officially identified himself as a Democrat and has been friendly with members of both parties, including President Bush, the fact that he was cheered on in his seventh Tour victory by 2004 Democratic presidential nominee Sen. John Kerry was not lost on conservatives, who immediately urged Bush to find a conservative cyclist to replace him.At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan assured reporters that there would be "no litmus test" to determine who Armstrong's successor might be, but did indicate that "he or she will be someone with integrity, a strong sense of values and a conservative interpretation of the U.S. Constitution."In Democratic circles, fears abounded over Bush's choice, since...
  • The Borowitz Report: War of the Cartoon Words

    President George W. Bush said today that he was "not worried" by Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's remarks over the weekend comparing him to Mad magazine mascot Alfred E. Neuman."All day long, people have been asking me if being compared to Alfred E. Neuman worries me," Bush said at a press conference. "My response to them is, 'What, me worry?'"But even as the president claimed not to be bothered by being likened to Mad's gap-toothed cover boy, he lashed out at Sen. Clinton, comparing her to the character Lucy Van Pelt from the popular comic strip "Peanuts.""Much like Lucy, Sen. Clinton is an annoying, bossy loudmouth," Bush said. "And she's always pulling the football away at the last second--only in her case, the football is the truth."The president's comparison of Sen. Clinton to Lucy did not go unanswered for long, however, as the senator's office released an official statement comparing the president to the classic Disney character Dumbo.But within minutes, Bush took time out from...
  • The Borowitz Report: American Justice

    Supreme Court watchers were stunned today to learn that President George W. Bush's shortlist of candidates to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor includes the pop star and "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul.At a White House press briefing, spokesman Scott McClellan confirmed that Abdul had in fact emerged as a favorite to fill O'Connor's slot: "I think Paula Abdul's abilities as a judge, which millions of Americans have had an opportunity to witness week in, week out, speaks for itself."But even as McClellan touted Abdul's fitness to serve on the highest court in the land, legal experts debated the qualifications of the "Idol" judge, who has no legal degree and has not had a hit song since "My Love Is for Real," which reached No. 28 in 1995. Davis Crenelle, a professor at the University of Minnesota Law School, believes that Abdul may be the perfect replacement for O'Connor: "First and foremost, she is a woman, and second, she occupies the middle--in her case,...
  • The Borowitz Report: 'Farewell, Earthlings'

    Actor Tom Cruise stunned the worlds of cinema and space travel today, bidding Earth farewell forever as he returned to his planet of origin.At a launch pad on the outskirts of Malibu constructed specifically for his intergalactic journey, Cruise spoke briefly to friends, well-wishers and Larry King, who was covering the launch for CNN."Farewell, earthlings," Cruise told the astonished crowd. "My work here is done."The actor then engaged in a 20-minute kiss with his fiancee, Katie Holmes, whom he promised to "send for later."Boarding the spaceship, Cruise delighted the crowd with the thumbs-up gesture he immortalized in the film "Top Gun," telling them, "I feel the need for speed," before disappearing into the stratosphere.While many had expected Cruise to return to his own planet at some point, the timing of his departure took many by surprise, coming as it did on the eve of the debut of his summer blockbuster, "War of the Worlds."Executives at Paramount Pictures, who produced the...
  • The Borowitz Report: Unreal World

    Where have all the real people gone?That's the question reality-show producers are asking themselves, as a new study released this week shows the number of real people who have not already appeared on a reality show dropping to dangerously low levels.The study, commissioned by the University of Minnesota's Reality Institute, has caused alarm in the reality TV community, with producers increasingly fearful that that real people--the bread and butter of the genre--may be becoming an endangered species.Dr. Colson McLeod, who supervised the study, said that with the proliferation of reality shows on nearly every cable TV network, it is nearly impossible to find an American who has not already had his home, car or face made over by a team of experts."If you take a random sample of 100 Americans, you will find that 85 percent of them have either gotten married, competed for a modeling contract, or eaten bug larva on TV," Dr. McCleod said. "And the rest have sung 'The Wind Beneath My Wings...
  • The Borowitz Report: An Emotional Void

    One day after singer Michael Jackson was found not guilty in his child molestation trial, a new poll shows that a majority of Americans already miss the Jackson trial and feel a gaping hole in their lives without it.The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute, shows to what extent the trial of the controversial entertainer filled an emotional void for millions of Americans, a void they now feel powerless to fill.According to the survey, which has a margin of error of plus or minus five percentage points, 83 percent agreed with the statement, "Now that the Jackson trial is over I have no reason to wake up in the morning."Even more pointedly, 61 percent agreed with the statement, "Without the Jackson trial to follow, my life has no meaning."In the hours after the verdict was announced, a nationwide support group was established to help those who depended on the Jackson trial for emotional sustenance deal with the feelings of emptiness and hollowness...
  • The Borowitz Report: Crowe Control

    One day after actor Russell Crowe hurled a telephone at a hotel desk clerk, cutting the man below the right eye, thousands of activists marched on Washington calling for Congress to adopt stricter phone-control measures.Chanting "Hell, No Phone for Crowe," the protesters marched up and down in front of the Capitol in what organizers called the largest phone-control demonstration ever.The phone-control movement, one of the most persistent and vocal lobbying groups in Washington, has long warned lawmakers about the dangers of easily available phones falling into the hands of volatile, babyish movie stars.But the Crowe incident, which occurred early Monday morning in New York City, may be the catalyst the movement has been seeking to raise Congress' awareness about the need for phone control."What are they waiting for--for Russell Crowe to throw his cell phone at a flight attendant in first class when he doesn't get his martini fast enough?" said Bobbi Deetmer, one of the rally's...
  • The Borowitz Report: The Question of Paris

    More than 2,000 of the world's leading scientists converged on Oslo, Norway to attend a conference devoted to one of modern science's most baffling phenomena, the continuing popularity of hotel heiress Paris Hilton.In recent years, Hilton's worldwide fame has puzzled scientists, who have been at a loss to explain the gathering celebrity of a person who by most measures does not possess a distinctive talent, ability or personality. On Sunday, Paris confirmed those character shortcomings, announcing her engagement to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis.As the hotel heiress' popularity has reached critical mass over the past 12 months, some of the most prominent voices in the scientific community called for the Oslo conference, which had been originally slated to discuss global warming, to focus on Hilton's career instead.The University of Tokyo's Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke, who wrote the definitive work on how the universe was created, is among the scientists in Oslo baffled by Paris Hilton's...
  • The Borowitz Report: 'Nothing But a Theory'

    A political action group is applying pressure on the Kansas State Board of Education to ban any and all references to the 20th century from school textbooks, a spokesman for the group confirmed today.The move to ban the 20th century came up in a series of contentious school board hearings this week as the group loudly complained that the state's current textbooks are rife with references to the controversial century, which they say may or may not have happened."These textbooks state unequivocally that the 20th century occurred, as if that were a proven historic fact," said Gordon Lavalier, the group's leader and spokesman. "The simple truth is, the 20th century is and has always been nothing but a theory."If the group is successful, starting in the fall of 2005, Kansas students would be taught from newly reconstituted history books that end with the year 1899.Among students at Kansas City's John F. Kennedy High School, which the group has demanded be renamed after William Jennings...
  • The Borowitz Report: Stellar Students

    American students, long assailed for lagging the students of other nations in math and science competency, lead the world in their knowledge and comprehension of "Star Wars" trivia, the U.S. Department of Education announced today.The positive findings were the result of a standardized "Star Wars" trivia test administered to all U.S. high school students during the 2004-05 school year, in which students were quizzed on their knowledge of such crucial "Star Wars" concepts as the Clone Wars, the Jedi Council and the Sith."These results should leave little doubt that the president's 'No Child Left Behind' program is making a difference," said Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings. "When it comes to understanding 'Star Wars,' our children leave the rest of the world behind."While recent test scores have shown that U.S. students have difficulty adding, subtracting and finding the nation of Mexico on a world map, the "Star Wars" trivia test paints an entirely different picture--one of...
  • The Borowitz Report: Giacomo's Scent

    This year's Kentucky Derby winner, the 50-1 long shot known as Giacomo, made history again today by becoming the first winner of the storied race to launch his own celebrity fragrance, set to hit stores this Friday.Accompanied by his publicist and a phalanx of marketing advisors, Giacomo unveiled the new fragrance, called Whoa by Giacomo, at New York City's legendary Bloomingdale's department store.Giacomo's decision to launch a celebrity fragrance caught many in the perfume industry by surprise, since no horse-based scent has ever had mass-market success at the nation's cosmetic counters.But Jesse Diblanco, who heads up the consumer products division of Team Giacomo, dismisses such nay-saying, claiming that Giacomo is an exception to the rule: "He's not a horse, he's a brand."Within the racing industry, some observers are voicing their concern that Giacomo's sudden plunge into the world of celebrity culture may hurt his chances of winning the second leg of racing's Triple Crown,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Ready for My Close-up

    If you see the new Woody Allen film "Melinda and Melinda" and about 10 minutes in you notice someone on screen who looks an awful lot like me, do not be alarmed: that is me, and I can explain what I'm doing there.A couple of years ago I got a call from Allen's casting director, Juliet Taylor, asking if I would come in to audition for Woody's new film. Every comedian dreams of being in a Woody Allen film and I am no exception, so two days later, there I was, standing face to face with Allen and wondering how I was going to screw this up.An assistant of Allen's took a Polaroid of me, and then Allen talked to me for what seemed like 40 seconds, but may have been 30 seconds. I went home, convinced that I had set a speed record for screwing things up, but then received an e-mail from Taylor: "Woody loved you!" Acting, it turns out, is really easy.I had one line of dialogue in the film, which I memorized almost instantly (and have since forgotten). Allen has a reputation for not wanting...
  • The Borowitz Report: Debtor Nation

    An identity thief who has stolen over half a million identities over the past two years returned all but four of them today, declaring the identities "totally worthless" and "an enormous waste of my time and hard work."The computer hacker, who spoke to reporters via conference call today, said that "in all my years of stealing identities, I have never come across a bigger collection of losers."He said that he had spent months hacking through the security firewall of one of the nation's largest financial institutions, hoping to reap billions of dollars for his efforts, but after sifting through the stolen identities he found that they were "little more than a garbage dump of unpaid college loans and overdue Blockbuster bills.""Everybody's running around worried about identity theft these days," he added. "All I can say is, ' Don't flatter yourself by thinking you have an identity that's worth my time.'"In San Diego, at the annual convention of the National Association of Hackers and...
  • The Borowitz Report: 'I Don't Have a Clue'

    In a speech at Flint, Mich., today, President George W. Bush sent shockwaves through the debate about Social Security by admitting that he no longer understands his own proposal for revamping the nation's retirement program.The speech had been billed as a pep rally of sorts for the president's ambitious Social Security overhaul, which made his candid admission that he could not "make heads or tails of the darned thing" all the more surprising."I have read it over and over and over again, and I've got to tell you, I don't have a clue what it means," Bush told his audience, many of whom audibly gasped. "I had an easier time figuring out 'The Da Vinci Code.'"At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan acknowledged that the president's bafflement over his own Social Security proposal may push back implementation of the controversial plan: "According to current estimates, it is highly unlikely that the president will actually understand this plan any time before the year 2029."To speed...
  • The Borowitz Report: Jolie Exchange

    In what some hailed as a breakthrough in a long-running diplomatic standoff, North Korean President Kim Jong-Il today agreed to give up his nation's nuclear weapons program in exchange for the actress Angelina Jolie.Under the terms of the deal, which calls for the transfer of Jolie to North Korea by summer of 2007, international arms inspectors would have the right to inspect sites in North Korea in exchange for granting President Kim the right to inspect Jolie.The accord, which caught many in diplomatic circles by surprise, would unite Jolie, widely considered the sexiest woman alive, with President Kim, widely considered the craziest man alive, raising the specter that he may be planning to create a race of super-sexy, super-crazy people.Such concerns may have prompted President George W. Bush to blast the nukes-for-Jolie deal today, calling it "an indecent proposal."One possible sticking point in the deal may be Jolie herself, who might be reluctant to give up a thriving film...
  • The Borowitz Report: A Royal Heartache

    With the marriage of her son Prince Charles to Camilla Parker Bowles just days away, Queen Elizabeth II is battling a "mean case" of empty nest syndrome, sources say, and has taken to meddling in the lives of random British subjects to fill the void."The final countdown to Charles' wedding has been hard on the old girl, I dare say," said one close associate of the Queen, who identified himself only by his first name, Philip. "She has been pacing the halls of Buckingham Palace, moaning that her little one is moving out," he continued. "I wish the old bat would pull herself together somehow."Most troubling, the associate said, is that the Queen has started scanning the wedding pages of the London Times and other British newspapers looking for ordinary British subjects whose lives might benefit from her interference.Last Saturday, the Queen showed up unannounced at the Islington home of Cordelia Grenville-Coates, who is slated to be wed later this month to her longtime fiance,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Michael Jackson's 'Great Courage'

    Former South African President Nelson Mandela said today that he gained strength during his many years of imprisonment by thinking about Michael Jackson, adding that the King of Pop continues to be a source of inspiration for him today."When you are behind bars with no hope of release, you need to find strength wherever you can," Mandela said in an exclusive interview with a Danish magazine. "Personally, I found strength in Michael Jackson."The former South African president said that while imprisoned in the 1980s, he drew emotional sustenance from following Jackson's recording career. "It took great courage to leave the Jackson Five and go solo," Mandela said. "I thought to myself, if he had the courage to do that, I, too, must have the will to go on."Even to this day, Mandela said, Michael Jackson is "a constant source of inspiration," adding, "When I am not drawing strength from Michael Jackson, I am drawing strength from Martha Stewart."Jackson received kind words from another...
  • The Borowitz Report: Shaq to Testify About Doughnut Abuse in NBA

    Former L.A. Lakers and current Miami Heat star Shaquille O'Neal will testify before a Congressional committee investigating rumors of widespread doughnut abuse in the National Basketball Association, the chairman of the committee confirmed today.With a new study showing that 200 out of 426 NBA players are overweight, the probe into doughnut abuse is "long overdue," said Rep. Tom Davis (R-VA), chairman of the House Government Reform Committee. "The NBA is an important contributor to the U.S. economy," Davis said in Washington today. "If NBA players are getting easily winded after one minute of play, the public has a right to know why."Rumors about O'Neal's alleged doughnut abuse started in training camp this year, when, according to one source, "Shaq showed up looking really big."In Miami, a spokesman for the perennial NBA all-star said that O'Neal was amenable to testifying before Congress "as long as there's a break for lunch."But even as some NBA fans applauded Congress's decision...
  • The Borowitz Report: So Who Is That Obsequious Reporter?

    The White House press corps was rocked by another scandal today as a man thought to be a professional journalist was revealed to be Vice President Dick Cheney wearing a fake mustache.The shocking discovery took place during a daily briefing at the White House in which spokesman Scott McClellan took the following question from a reporter he referred to only as "Herb": "Wouldn't you agree that President Bush's plan for reforming Social Security totally rocks?"Before McClellan could respond to the question, the reporter's mustache suddenly fell off his face, revealing him to be none other than the vice president.Cheney, unaware that his disguise had fallen off and seemingly oblivious to the audible gasps of the journalists in the room, continued: "And wouldn't you agree that anyone who opposes it hates our country?"After adding, "And isn't everything in Iraq going really well these days?" the vice president noticed that his fake mustache was on the carpet at his feet.He then quickly...
  • The Borowitz Report: No Jackson, No Play

    The 24-hour news networks today announced that they decided not to broadcast the latest video by Al Qaeda mastermind Osama bin Laden after determining that the tape contained no new information about the Michael Jackson case.Moments after the video was delivered to all of the networks late Monday night, news executives examined it thoroughly for tidbits about the self-styled King of Pop's trial before being giving it a unanimous thumbs-down.According to one source, "We have an obligation as news people to give our audience the latest information about Michael Jackson's case, and Mr. bin Laden's latest effort falls well below those standards."Those who viewed the tape said that while it contained some interesting information, including specific details about future terror plots and Bin Laden's precise location, it did not even touch on the trial currently underway in Santa Maria, California.It was the second setback in as many weeks for Bin Laden, who last week saw one of his terror...
  • The Borowitz Report: AARP's Vietnam War Record Attacked

    The scorched-earth battle over the future of Social Security got a little nastier today with the release of a new television ad in which the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth attacked the Vietnam War record of the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP).The Swift Boat Veterans, dormant in the months following the 2004 election, called their anti-AARP ad "our finest work to date." In the controversial commercial, a veteran named Davis Debrew claims to have served on the same swift boat as the AARP during the Vietnam War. "While the rest of us were in the front of the boat shooting at the Vietcong, the AARP was in the back of the boat talking about how to bankrupt Social Security," Debrew says.But within hours of the commercial's first airing, the AARP disputed Debrew's claims, arguing that there was no way a retirees' organization numbering 35 million members could ever have fit on a craft as small and light as a swift boat.The ad was released just as a new study from the...