Andy Borowitz

Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Has Attack of Munchies

    Observers first noticed the onset of the president's severe hunger pangs in the middle of a speech by French President Jacques Chirac, during which Bush whispered to an aide, "Get me some nachos or something. I'm starving."A few minutes later, the aide returned with a bag of Doritos, which Bush chomped on loudly during the French leader's speech, raising eyebrows among those who attended the meeting.But Bush's erratic behavior did not stop there, as many in attendance noticed the president "giggling to himself for no apparent reason" at many points during Chirac's address.Later, during a speech by Javier Solana, the chief foreign policy official for the European Union, Bush, wearing dark sunglasses and an iPod, was heard singing along loudly to a song from Pink Floyd's classic album, "Dark Side of the Moon."Contacted during his current Asian tour, Bush's father, the former president George H.W. Bush, said that he was "disappointed" to hear of his son's behavior, telling reporters, ...
  • The Borowitz Report: North Korea's Latest Deadly Weapon

    Moments after North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il used his weekly radio address to drop the Affleck bombshell, intelligence experts acknowledged that the calculus in the Korean peninsula had irrevocably changed."If Kim is telling the truth about possessing an Affleck movie, and we have reason to believe he is, it is time to upgrade the North Korean situation to a crisis," one CIA source said.In Washington, intelligence professionals have long suspected that the North Korean madman was attempting to buy Affleck outtakes on the black market in the hopes of assembling a full-length feature film.Over the past five years, unused footage from such Affleck stinkers as "Daredevil," "Jersey Girl" and "Paycheck" have made their way from the cutting room floor to such nations as Iran and Libya, both of whom are rumored to have funneled the deadly outtakes to North Korea."We now believe that North Korea's entire nuclear program may have merely been a decoy to distract us from their true goal:...
  • The Borowitz Report: Flintstones Are 'Way Too Gay'

    Harland Devane, leader of the group Focus on the Flintstones, said at a press conference in Washington, D.C. today that his organization was issuing the demand because, "Quite simply, everything about 'The Flintstones' is way too gay."The conservative activist distributed a memo itemizing over 50 ways in which the self-styled "modern Stone Age family" series promotes homosexuality, but left little doubt that most of his concerns centered on the relationship between the two main characters, Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble."Their relationship is more flagrantly homosexual than anything in Oliver Stone's 'Alexander,'" Devane said.He pointed out that Fred and Barney are virtually inseparable, are never seen wearing pants and live together in the suggestively-named town of Bedrock.He also noted that the two men work together at a quarry wearing hard hats and construction garb, an oblique reference to the construction worker in the classic disco band "The Village People.""Do I believe...
  • The Borowitz Report: Fox News Buys Al-Jazeera

    Under intense pressure from the Bush administration to sell its controversial Al-Jazeera network, the nation of Qatar stunned the television industry today by agreeing to sell the broadcast company to Rupert Murdoch's Fox News Channel.Television insiders were taken aback that the network whose motto is "We Report. You Decide," would acquire a broadcast entity whose slogan is "Death to the Infidels."But according to Murdoch, chairman and CEO of Fox parent News Corp., the merger was a natural because, in his words, "We took a look at their format and realized that it was almost identical to ours."Murdoch added, "If we really roll up our sleeves and make this merger work, we may wind up with the fairest and most balanced network mankind has ever known."The media mogul said that changes to Al-Jazeera's programming would be "minimal" at first: "We'll be going through their news copy and every time they call President Bush 'Satan,' we'll take out the words 'President Bush' and replace...
  • The Borowitz Report: Summers' Olive Branch

    In an effort to "level the academic playing field," Harvard University President Lawrence Summers announced today that the university would introduce a home economics major designed specifically for its female students."Starting in the fall, Harvard will offer home economics for women who find economics too tricky," said Summers, who called the move "long overdue."Summers said that the new courses would help women at Harvard improve their grade point averages, adding, "When it comes to getting busy in the kitchen, women are second to none."The home ec major, which will consist of courses in cooking, sewing and what Summers called "the allied domestic arts and sciences," is believed to be the first of its kind ever to be offered by an Ivy League university.Coming in the wake of Summers' recent controversial remarks about purported intellectual differences between the sexes, the Harvard president's decision to introduce a home economics major for women was widely seen as an olive...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Asks 'Safe Bet' Bennett to Save Social Security

    Recognizing that many retirees are nervous about the privatization of America's retirement system, Bush reassured them today, stating flatly, "Bill Bennett is a safe bet."The president said, "I have known Bill Bennett for many years. This is a man who knows when to hold 'em and knows when to fold 'em."A beaming Bennett stood at Bush's side, the former education secretary and drug czar wearing what he later called "my lucky hat."He spoke briefly with reporters before boarding a plane for the Venetian casino in Las Vegas, where he said he would begin to implement his "can't lose" investment plan for Social Security.But on Capitol Hill, leading Democrats howled in protest over Bennett's appointment, arguing that the nation should not place an important program like Social Security in the hands of just one man, especially a controversial figure such as Bennett."Why don't we just bet all our retirees' money on the daily double while we're at it," fumed South Dakota Sen. Tim Johnson.For...
  • The Borowitz Report: Steinbrenner's Wallet Tests Positive for Steroids

    Just hours after the New York Yankees concluded a deal for star pitcher Randy Johnson, the wallet of the team's owner George Steinbrenner tested positive for steroids, Major League Baseball confirmed today.Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said that Steinbrenner's wallet had used steroids to morph from a normal billfold into a "monstrous, bloated moneybag," but added that the league had no provisions for penalizing the use of wallet-enhancing substances. Speaking from Tampa, Fla., Steinbrenner denied doping his wallet, arguing that if true, it must have occurred while it was out of his possession.Steinbrenner suggested that a steroid-laced salve or gel might have been applied to his wallet at night while it sat on his nightstand, for example.But he cast doubt on the test results altogether when he said that the wallet could have grown to gigantic proportions as a result of "strenuous exercise" during his entire tenure as Yankee owner.Rival baseball executives, however, were not buying...
  • The Borowitz Report: Paris Hilton Vows To Be More Annoying in 2005

    One day after singer Britney Spears was named the Most Annoying Celebrity of 2004, hotel heiress Paris Hilton congratulated the pop tart on her victory but served notice that she intends to re-take the title in 2005. "Britney had a very annoying year and deserves credit for that," Hilton said, "but I will do everything in my power to be more annoying in 2005."Behind the gracious facade, however, Hilton was huddling with top advisors to determine "what went wrong" in her quest to grab this year's Most Annoying crown. "Paris thought that she had all her ducks in a row to be the most annoying person on the planet," said one confidant. "No question about it, heads are going to roll."Jonah Donnelly, an analyst who tracks irritating celebrities for Credit Suisse First Boston, said that Spears' two marriages in 2004, one of which lasted only 55 hours, made her "virtually impossible" for Hilton to best this year. "Paris's sister Nicky was briefly married this year, which did help make Nicky...
  • The Borowitz Report: Reindeer Brawl

    The recent epidemic of sports violence spread to the North Pole this week as a brawl erupted between fans and reindeer at this year's reindeer games, resulting in the ejection and suspension of Rudolph for the remainder of the season.The games, a holiday classic that dates back to 1949, had a mostly uneventful history until 2002, the year that beer and other alcoholic beverages first became available for sale at the event.Since then, fans say, the reindeer games have drawn increasingly unruly crowds who aggressively goad the creatures with catcalls and obscenities."Given how polluted the fans are, it's amazing that something like this didn't happen sooner," said Harlan McDougal, a fan who makes the trip from Pittsburgh every year to see the reindeer play.Rudolph, under fire this season for taking time off to promote a new rap CD he produced, was the object of the fans' ire from early in the first period."Fans were shouting at him," McDougal said. "I didn't hear everything they said,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Democrats Embark on Fact-Finding Mission to NASCAR

    Boldly going where no member of their party has ever gone before, key Democratic Party leaders embarked today on an historic fact-finding mission to NASCAR.The NASCAR visit, the first ever undertaken by Democratic officials, took place only after party leaders devoted several months of research to determine precisely what NASCAR was."Once we learned that NASCAR involved cars and racing, and apparently had millions of fans, we looked at each other and said, 'We must learn more,'" said DNC Chairman Terry McAuliffe.The Democratic delegation to NASCAR, headed up by Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, was then selected by "drawing straws," McAuliffe said.After undergoing a six-week course in NASCAR slang, customs and rituals, Kennedy and the other Democrats left for their mission in a forty-foot-long Plexiglas camper reminiscent of Pope John Paul II's popemobile.Speaking through a public address system from inside the fortified camper, Kennedy spoke to NASCAR fans who had gathered at the Homestead...
  • The Borowitz Report: Going Negative

    The Iraqi elections, originally set for January 2005, have been delayed six months to give the Iraqi people enough time to produce and air negative political ads, the White House announced today."The purpose of these elections is to foster democracy in Iraq, but without negative ads, there is no democracy," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.The decision to delay the Iraqi vote was the brainchild of White House political strategist Karl Rove, who said he was "dismayed" by the state of Iraq's negative advertising infrastructure."Their understanding of how to use distortions, unflattering photographs and scary-sounding announcers is rudimentary at best," Rove said. "If the elections were to go forward without professionally produced attack ads, the whole process would be seen as a sham."In order to teach the Iraqi people how to make corrosive, below-the-belt television spots, Rove has ordered the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, a group whose ads proved particularly effective...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Kills Turkey, Pardons Tom DeLay

    President George W. Bush broke with White House tradition today, killing the ceremonial White House turkey and pardoning House Majority Leader Tom DeLay instead.The reporters and busloads of school children who had gathered on the White House lawn to see the president pardon this year's turkey, named Biscuits, were surprised to hear Bush adopt a hard-line stance toward the bird."I have political capital, and I intend to spend it--first by killing, and then by eating, this delectable turkey," Bush announced to the stunned onlookers, who watched as Biscuits was dragged away by two burly Secret Service agents.Bush then said that he would use his traditional Thanksgiving pardon to free DeLay should he be indicted for political corruption charges in Texas, and then paraded the Texas congressman across the lawn to complete the festive holiday ceremony.Jenny Colver, 11, of Silver Spring, Md., expressed a view shared my many who witnessed the history-making event: "He pardoned the wrong...
  • The Borowitz Report: Win a Flu Shot

    The stakes in reality television were raised this week when the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced that it will produce a new television program in which the winning contestant receives the ultimate prize: a flu shot.In announcing the new program, which has already attracted thousands of wannabe contestants, Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy G. Thompson said, "Rather than sitting around whining about not having enough flu shots, we were like, this could be an awesome show."Calling the program "a cross between 'Survivor' and 'The Apprentice,'" Thompson said that the contestants will perform tasks in the Oval Office at the behest of President George W. Bush, who will eliminate a contestant each week with the following parting shot: "If you want a flu shot, try Canada, loser."Describing the tasks, Thompson said, "They will mainly be reading memos about the environment and other junk that the president doesn't want to look at."In other health news, reports...
  • The Borowitz Report: Florida to Vote by Show of Hands

    Attempting to head off the kind of voting irregularities that threw the 2000 election into chaos, Florida voting officials announced today that the state's presidential contest would be determined by a "show of hands."In a statewide address broadcast on live television this morning, Florida Secretary of State Glenda Hood instructed all Florida voters to start heading for a vacant trailer park on the outskirts of Tampa where the official show of hands will take place.While acknowledging that a show of hands was an unorthodox way for Florida to determine who will receive the state's 27 electoral votes, Hood said the move became necessary after it was discovered late last week that the state had lost the instruction manual for its controversial Diebold electronic voting machines.An early test of the machines last Wednesday set off alarms among voting officials when the electronic tally showed conservative commentator Pat Buchanan winning the state with 87 percent of the vote, despite...
  • The Borowitz Report: It's All His Fault

    The scorched-earth presidential campaign took a particularly nasty turn today as Vice President Dick Cheney blamed Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry for the box-office bomb "Gigli," warning that a sequel to the Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez turkey might be released if the senator is elected.Cheney has crisscrossed the country in recent days warning that a Kerry victory might bring increases in domestic terrorism and national security catastrophes, but the "Gigli" charges represent a new intensity in Cheney's partisan attacks.Speaking before a crowd in Davenport, Iowa, Cheney said, "In all of his public statements, Sen. Kerry has yet to identify 'Gigli' as one of the worst films of all time, and one can only conclude that he wouldn't mind at all if there was a sequel."Drawing a sharp contrast with Kerry, the vice president said that the Bush White House was "working overtime to make sure that another 'Gigli' does not happen."Cheney's words seem designed to win over voters in...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bin Laden No Longer Knows Where He Is

    The White House claimed a major victory in the war on terror today when Al Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden revealed that he no longer knows where he is.Bin Laden, appearing on a tape broadcast by the Arabic-language Al Jazeera network, said that he had not known his location for months and blamed his current predicament on the Internet mapping site Mapquest.com. "Those Mapquest fools provided me with a map that is next to useless," a visibly angry bin Laden says on the tape. "All it tells me is where the nearest Applebee's is."Bin Laden says that everywhere he looks there are rocks and caves but "none of them look familiar." At the tape's conclusion, he makes a desperate plea to his followers in Al Qaeda: "If you have any idea where I am right now, please let me know at once."The bombshell tape served as a morale-booster for many in the U.S. intelligence community since, in the words of one CIA source, "The fact that we don't know where Osama is isn't so embarrassing when you consider...
  • The Borowitz Report: 'Mission Accomplished'

    President George W. Bush notched his first debate victory early Sunday morning, winning handily in a fourth presidential debate that was kept secret from his Democratic rival, Sen. John Kerry.The debate, which was held at 2 AM Sunday morning in the basement of the White House and moderated by Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly, was a must-win affair in the eyes of the Bush campaign strategists who planned it."We knew that we needed to win at least one debate going into November," said Bush strategist Karl Rove. "Mission accomplished."While aides to Kerry howled that the debate did not count since their candidate was kept totally in the dark about its time and place, Rove said, "They can spin this any way they want, but a win is a win."The White House today released a videotape of the president's triumphal fourth debate, showing Bush gesturing towards an empty podium with Kerry nowhere in sight."Looks like my opponent didn't make it today," a smirking Bush says on the tape. "I guess...
  • The Borowitz Report: Election Canceled

    With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the Federal Election Commission stunned the political world today by announcing that the election would be canceled and that a focus group of nine voters in Ohio would pick the nation's next president instead.The focus group, consisting of four men and five women, are expected to convene every day between now and Nov. 2 with electrodes glued to key regions of their bodies to measure their every response to President George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry.While reaction to the FEC's move was mixed, one election official in Florida praised the decision to cancel the vote: "This is kind of a relief, because we tested our new electronic voting machines last week and none of them really worked."Moments after the FEC's announcement, the two candidates pulled their political ads from every state but Ohio and started tailoring their messages to appeal to the nine all-important focus group members.At a rally outside the building where the focus...
  • The Borowitz Report: Debates For Dummies

    In what some political insiders are calling an attempt to lower expectations in the days leading up to the first presidential debate, the White House today announced that President George W. Bush has an IQ of 67."The president is far, far less intelligent than is commonly thought," White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters. "Even the simplest tasks remain well beyond his reach."Reinforcing the impression that the president will be overmatched in Thursday's debate with Sen. John Kerry, McClellan showed reporters never-before-seen footage of Bush oafishly tumbling from his mountain bike."What a moron," McClellan said.The White House spokesman said that Bush cannot possibly be expected to do well in a debate with Kerry, who McClellan said "has an IQ of 193" and "is widely considered the best debater on the planet."But within minutes of the White House press conference, Kerry spokesman Joe Lockhart fired back, telling reporters, "John Kerry is much stupider than he looks."As...
  • The Borowitz Report: It's Not Over Yet?

    Citing the persistent bickering over Vietnam in the current U.S. presidential campaign, the president of that Southeast Asian country today asked the United States government for "official confirmation" that the Vietnam War is over."We were pretty sure that the war was over," said President Tran Duc Luong, "but we thought it wouldn't hurt to check."Luong's request could put George W. Bush in an awkward position, because if the president confirms that the war is over he could leave himself open to charges that he is merely trying to avoid fighting in it.Indeed, after a reporter at a campaign rally today asked Bush if the war in Vietnam had concluded, Bush set his jaw and replied, "Not on my watch."Moments after Bush suggested that the Vietnam War might in fact still be going on, Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly applied for an historic sixth draft deferment.Democratic challenger John Kerry, while not saying outright that he would fight in the Vietnam War if it is not over,...
  • The Borowitz Report: A Kerry-Driven Apocalypse?

    Vice President Dick Cheney made his most dire remarks to date about a November victory by Democratic nominee John Kerry, saying that the French seer Nostradamus warned that Mr. Kerry's election would signal the end of the world."Nostradamus made it quite clear that John Kerry's election would be followed shortly thereafter by the end of the universe," Cheney soberly informed his audience at an Akron, Ohio, rally yesterday. "So if you want the world to end, John Kerry is your man."Cheney added that if Kerry were elected, "Rather than seeing the world come to an end I would put the world out of its misery by destroying it myself."While Cheney's warnings about a Kerry win have grown increasingly grim in recent days, his claim that Nostradamus (1503-1566) predicted a Kerry-driven apocalypse was extraordinary, even by the standards of today's heated political rhetoric.But hours after the vice president issued his latest warning, the Nostradamus prediction was powerfully discredited by a...
  • The Borowitz Report: Kerry Changes Tie

    Responding to calls from Democratic Party insiders to shake up his listless campaign for president, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) today changed his tie. According to those in Kerry's inner circle, the senator believes that his new neckwear could close the widening gap in the polls between him and President George W. Bush."Bush got a nice bounce coming out of his convention," Kerry reportedly told his campaign aides, "but just wait 'til the voters get a load of this new tie!" The new cravat, a satin and twill model from Brooks Brothers, will replace his old one, a classic repp tie, also from Brooks Brothers.Some Democratic insiders were harshly critical of Kerry's decision to change ties, arguing that the move fell far short of the wholesale shake-up they had been hoping for. Heightening their concern was the Kerry campaign's decision not to debut the new tie with a nationwide media blitz but rather to roll it out cautiously in selected battleground states over the next few weeks. "If you...
  • The Borowitz Report: But What About Me?

    Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader today blasted the Republican Party for holding its convention this week, charging that the G.O.P. was recklessly taking a week off from working on his campaign. "At a time when the Republicans should be working overtime, collecting signatures to make sure that I am on the ballot, they are partying hearty in New York," Nader said."The Republicans had promised me that getting my name on the ballot was job one," he added. "Clearly, they have lost sight of their true mission."But Bush strategist Karl Rove disputed Nader's charges, telling reporters that while the Republicans are meeting in New York, detainees at Guantanamo Bay are busily manning a phone bank, urging voters in key swing states to put Nader's name on the ballot."A lot of folks don't think we're capable of doing two things well at the same time, but we keep proving them wrong," Rove said. "Look at Iraq and Afghanistan."At his press conference, Nader was flanked by his family,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Taking Liberties--Sometimes

    Attorney General John Ashcroft announced today that he was considering a "partial reinstatement" of the Bill of Rights, reversing his long-held opposition to reinstating them in any form.The Attorney General said that the partial re-opening of the Statue of Liberty had inspired him to consider a partial reinstatement of the first 10 amendments to the U.S. Constitution which, except for the right to bear arms, have been suspended since the first year of the Bush administration."Much like Lady Liberty, the Bill of Rights is an American institution which a lot of our citizens, rightly or wrongly, have a sentimental attachment to," Ashcroft said. "They should be permitted to visit those rights from time to time."Under Ashcroft's plan, such long-suspended rights as freedom of speech would be in effect Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 10 until 5.He said that such other rights as freedom of assembly would not be reinstated, but might be brought back as a "premium service" of the...
  • The Borowitz Report: GOP Questions Kerry's Hamster Heroism

    A mass e-mail from the Republican National Committee is questioning whether or not Democratic nominee John Kerry actually saved his daughter Alexandra's pet hamster, Licorice, from drowning during a family boating trip as she has claimed he did.The e-mail, with a subject line reading "Kerry Hamster Story --We Smell a Rat," was sent to more than 2,000 news outlets just hours after Alexandra Kerry charmed the Democratic national convention with her tale of the Senator's hamster heroism.In the e-mail message, the GOP quotes an unnamed witness who claims that not only did Kerry not save the rodent's life, but he may have actually been responsible for its premature demise.According to the witness, Licorice was "breathing normally" when Kerry pounced on the hamster and administered "unnecessarily forceful CPR" in an over-the-top bid to appear heroic, breaking several of the hamster's ribs and puncturing its left lung.Speaking at a campaign stop in Flint, Michigan, Kerry defended his...
  • The Borowitz Report: License to Read

    In the wake of the 9/11 commission's publication of its official report, President Bush proposed that a new commission be empanelled to read the 567-page document "immediately.""This report contains information of urgent importance to the American people," Bush told reporters at the White House."And so, I am recommending that we establish a commission to start reading this very, very long book as soon as possible."While stopping short of naming possible candidates for such a panel, Mr. Bush said that the commissioners should represent both parties and "know what a lot of long words mean."After finishing reading the book, Mr. Bush said, the panel would then publish a "Cliffs Notes" edition of the book "to enable those who don't have the time to read the entire book to sound like they read it."Mr. Bush said he was "eager to read" such an abridged version of the report, adding that he would get to it as soon as he was finished reading "My Pet Goat." But even as Mr. Bush proposed a...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Seeks Gay Makeover Ban

    President George W. Bush today said that he would seek a constitutional amendment banning so-called "queer eye" or gay makeovers in an effort to protect the institution of heterosexual makeovers in America."Our country was founded on the principle of women making over the slobs they date and marry," Bush told a Republican rally in Erie, Pennsylvania today. "Only a constitutional amendment can protect the sanctity of those traditional makeovers."Bush said that a disturbing increase in the number of men seeking manicures or using professional salon products in their hair indicated that the time had come for an amendment banning gay makeovers.While some Republican insiders believe that a ban on gay makeovers could be an effective wedge issue in the fall election, others fear that it could energize angry metrosexuals, who marched today en masse in Washington.Police estimated that over twenty thousand metrosexuals marched down Pennsylvania Avenue, stopping every 500 yards or so to apply...
  • The Borowitz Report: Most Voters Believe Kerry is Not Bush

    In a new poll released today, a majority of voters supporting Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) for president agreed with the statement, "He is not George Bush."The poll results seem to indicate that Mr. Kerry's status as someone who is not President Bush is pivotal to his appeal among those who support him. Of those surveyed, 98 percent said they believed that John Kerry was not George Bush, with a scant 2 percent answering "Don't know."Asked to name the issue that concerned them most, 9 percent of Kerry voters named "improving the economy," 12 percent named "fighting terrorism," and a whopping 79percent named "electing someone who is not George Bush.""With weeks to go until our convention, it's significant that so many voters already believe that John Kerry is not George Bush," said Kerry strategist Bob Shrum. "Once our ad buys get underway, we expect the number of people believing John Kerry is not George Bush will only increase."Perhaps in response to the poll results, the Bush campaign...
  • The Borowitz Report: Michael Moore Wins Tour de France

    The Gallic love-fest for filmmaker Michael Moore reached its apogee today as Moore snagged a controversial first-place finish in this year's Tour de France.The stunning victory for Moore in the world's most famous bicycle race was particularly surprising because the moviemaker is not known to have ever owned or even climbed upon a bicycle in his entire life.But what made the win truly controversial was the fact that the Tour de France was not scheduled to begin until next month."In recognition of Mr. Moore's contributions to the world of cinema and to the world in general, we felt it was only fair to give him a month's head start," said Tour de France spokesman Jean-luc Bourdieu. "Vive Michael Moore!"But to five-time Tour de France winning cyclist Lance Armstrong, Moore's victory in this year's contest was no cause for celebration, as Armstrong told reporters today he "seriously doubted" that the easily-winded director had actually pedaled his way to the finish line."I don't know...
  • The Borowitz Report: Nader Seeks Presidency of Iraq

    Two weeks after Sheikh Ghazi al-Yawar was selected as the interim president of Iraq, Ralph Nader announced that he would launch his own bid to become Iraqi president in order to give the people of Iraq "a genuine choice.""Over the past few weeks, I've seen various names floated for president of Iraq, and I've come to the conclusion that there's not a dinar's worth of difference between them," Mr. Nader said at his first Baghdad press conference. "As I cross this great land of theirs, I sense that the Iraqi people want Ralph Nader in this race."But even as Mr. Nader spoke in glowing terms of his quixotic bid, prominent Sunnis and Shiites excoriated his decision, calling the candidate a "spoiler" and demanding that he quit the race at once.In an official statement, the Shiite leader Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Husseini al-Sistani said, "Mr. Nader is not welcome here--and that goes double for Kucinich."The Ayatollah was referring to Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH), who earlier this week...