Andy Borowitz

Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • The Borowitz Report: U.S. Outsources Obesity to India

    The United States is rapidly outsourcing obesity to India and hopes to shed as many as three trillion pounds of unsightly cellulite annually, President George W. Bush announced today.In a speech to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in Milwaukee, the President said that since most of the millions of jobs outsourced since he was elected President were extremely sedentary, "Those jobs are now making the people of India fat instead of us.""In the long run, the weight loss more than makes up for the job loss," the President added.In India, where U.S. companies have outsourced customer service jobs at a blistering pace in the last three years, workers confirmed that they have never been fatter in their lives."Before I got this job, I used to get out of my chair occasionally, but those days are long gone," said Sisirkana Bhatia, 27, who works at a Verizon call center in Bangalore. "The minute I'm off work I head on over to the Olive Garden for their all-you-can-eat bread sticks."A co-worker,...
  • The Borowitz Report: White House Redacts Rice's Brain

    In preparation for her testimony in front of the 9/11 commission this Thursday, the White House has redacted the brain of National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice 28 times, White House spokesman Scott McClellan confirmed today. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Splitsville

    Hollywood couple Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz have called it quits, citing "irreconcilable spelling differences" as the reason behind their split.The storybook romance between Hollywood's favorite homonyms was reportedly alive and kicking until a few weeks ago, when the two stars realized for the first time that their last names were spelled differently, a friend of the couple revealed.The couple had finished lunch at The Ivy in Beverly Hills, dividing the check 50/50--but when it came back, Cruz and Cruise received each other's credit card by mistake and discovered the spelling discrepancy."They both felt shocked and betrayed," the friend said. "They decided to break up that afternoon."People in the Hollywood community were dumbfounded by news of the breakup and its spelling-based origins, but veteran talent agent Buddy Schlantz of the Major People Agency said he was not surprised in the least."Hollywood stars are under a lot of pressure," Mr. Schlantz said. "The last thing they...
  • The Borowitz Report: Operation Pink Storm

    In a televised speech to the nation last night, President George W. Bush called gay marriage "the new front in the war on terror" and called on the civilized nations of the world to unite against "the gathering threat of gay and lesbian weddings.""There are those in the world who would replace freedom and democracy with gay marriages," Mr. Bush said in his speech from the White House. "This will not stand."Mr. Bush's speech coincided with news from the Pentagon that the United States was launching a spring offensive, Operation Pink Storm, to root out gay brides and bridegrooms hiding in the mountainous region on the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan.In raids conducted over the weekend, U.S. Special Operations forces disrupted half a dozen gay marriages being performed in a serpentine network of underground caves, seizing hors-d'oeuvres, seating charts and flower arrangements.In his speech, the president urged America's allies in the war on terror not to lose resolve in the face of...
  • The Borowitz Report: Martha, Meet O.J.

    Embattled domestic diva Martha Stewart received support from an unlikely ally today in the person of former football great O.J. Simpson. Simpson took time out from a round of golf in Sarasota, Florida, to tell members of the press that he believed Stewart had been "framed" in her recent trial on charges stemming from her sale of ImClone stock.The Heisman Trophy winner said that he would drop everything to help Stewart, telling reporters, "From this day forward, I will dedicate all of my time and energy to finding the real liars." According to Simpson, the domestic doyenne was not responsible for the lies about her stock sale, but instead was "set up" by "the real liars," whose identities remain unknown."I've got a few leads as to who the real liars might be," Simpson said. "I don't want to give away anything that might hinder my investigation, but let's just say that all of the clues point to Colombian drug lords." Simpson also slammed Stewart's defense team, criticizing their...
  • The Borowitz Report: Cold Off the Presses

    The first shipment of Janet Jackson jokes arrived in Iraq today, a full month after wisecracks about the singer's right breast dominated the American media.L. Paul Bremer III, the top U.S. administrator in Iraq, apologized to the Iraqi people for the delay, citing "difficulties in translation."The sarcastic remarks were airlifted into Iraq over the weekend and delivered to the Coalition Provisional Authority's three primary joke-distribution centers in Baghdad, the southern city of Basra and oil-rich Kirkuk.But in the so-called "Sunni Triangle," where angry demonstrators protested the lack of Janet Jackson jokes late last week, the shipment of weeks-old boob gags culled from late-night comedy monologues could be a case of too little, too late.Hisham Dalal, 39, an office worker whose family has been without Janet Jackson jokes since early February, denounced the quality of breast-related witticisms the U.S. was offering Iraqi citizens."I guess you had to be there," a bitter Dalal...
  • The Borowitz Report: Steinbrenner Buys Fenway

    George Steinbrenner's buying spree continued unabated today as the New York Yankees owner purchased Fenway Park, the legendary home of the arch-rival Boston Red Sox.In buying Fenway out from under the Sox, Steinbrenner has left his Eastern Division rivals without a stadium for the first time in their history, jeopardizing the Red Sox' bid for the American League pennant. "It is hard to win a championship without pitching or hitting," says David Hastings, a sports historian at the University of Minnesota. "But it is virtually impossible to win without a stadium."Red Sox owner John Henry, who spent most of the day scrambling to find a high school sandlot where his team might play the 2004 season, held an emotional press conference in Boston to denounce the big-spending Yankee honcho. "Damn you, George Steinbrenner, damn you!" swore Henry, shaking his fist violently.But Steinbrenner's shopping day had barely begun. After closing his Fenway deal, the Yankees owner went on to outbid the...
  • The Borowitz Report: 'There's Something Creepy About Him'

    How low can they go?That's the question even seasoned political observers are asking this week, as Democrats and Republicans unleashed a series of commercials showing their opponents digitally morphing into members of the embattled Jackson family.The opening salvo came from the Republicans, who produced a TV spot showing the face of presumptive Democratic nominee Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) turning into that of indicted "King of Pop" Michael Jackson.As Kerry's face fills the screen, a narrator intones, "Senator John Kerry says he deserves your trust... sound familiar?" With that, Kerry's face turns into Jackson's, after which the narrator says, "John Kerry: when you look a little closer, there's something creepy about him."Just hours after the attack ad appeared on the airwaves, however, the Democrats returned fire with a commercial of their own, in which President Bush appears in his now-notorious aviator flight suit, an image that gradually turns into Janet Jackson at this year's...
  • The Borowitz Report: Wrecker Redux?

    Activist Ralph Nader is considering wrecking the 2004 presidential election, carrying on an election-wrecking tradition he began in 2000, associates of the spoiler said today.Nader was huddling with prominent crackpots in Washington, D.C. today to determine whether he has enough support among wing-nuts and whack-jobs nationwide to mount an entirely meaningless campaign."If I wreck the 2004 election, I intend to wreck it in all 50 states," Nader told reporters today. "I have no intention of being merely a regional spoiler." Nader added: "If you're going to screw up an election, screw it up big-time. My supporters expect nothing less from me."But across the country, significant numbers of crackpots who have supported Nader in the past appeared to be cool to his latest bid to wreck the 2004 election."If I'm going to waste my vote, I want to be sure I'm wasting it on the right banana-head," said long time crackpot Harlan Brill, who supported Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio) in this week's...
  • The Borowitz Report: Kim Jung-Il Terrified by Dean

    North Korean dictator Kim Jung-Il got his first glimpse of Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean on the evening of the Iowa caucuses last week and is now "terrified" by the former Vermont governor, associates of Kim revealed today.According to those sources, the ruthless North Korean had spent a long, hard day reprocessing nuclear fuel rods and was looking for something relaxing to watch on TV when Dean first appeared on the screen, delivering his bizarre post-Iowa concession speech.As Dean built to a crescendo, Kim appeared alarmed and agitated, the sources said. "Who is that madman?" the madman reportedly asked.According to one of Kim's aides, "There's only one way to describe the look on Kim's face when he was watching Dean: pure, unadulterated terror."Kim's every waking moment is now haunted by his fear of Howard Dean, the aide revealed. "At night, Kim gets out of bed and wanders the hallways in his pajamas, muttering Dean's name," the aide said. "Dean really gives him the...
  • The Borowitz Report: 'You Are Running Away with this Race'

    In their most bruising attacks to date, contenders for the Democratic presidential nomination used a candidates' forum in Iowa last night to accuse former Vermont Governor Howard Dean of "leading in the polls.""Howard, you are running away with this race and you know it!" bellowed Connecticut Sen. Joseph Lieberman, jabbing his finger in Dean's face. "Why won't you have the guts to admit it?"Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts picked up on Lieberman's theme, accusing Dean of "parlaying his so-called 'message of hope' into burgeoning popularity and bulging campaign coffers.""Howard, every time you give a speech, you raise more money," Kerry said. "It is high time that you come clean about that."In a particularly contentious moment, Missouri Rep. Richard Gephardt challenged all of the candidates on stage "to raise their hand if they are leading in the polls."Dean was the only one on stage to do so, prompting a Gephardt aide to comment later, "That moment was a homerun for Dick!"Meanwhile,...
  • The Borowitz Report: A Defiant Saddam Resists Flu Shot

    U.S. military doctors' ongoing examination of Saddam Hussein took a decidedly negative turn today as the former Iraqi dictator refused to be given a flu shot despite warnings that the flu will be really bad this year.General Ricardo Sanchez, commander of U.S. forces in Iraq, confirmed that the Iraqi madman was not cooperating with the coalition's attempt to give him a flu shot."He was willing to let us look down his throat and his ears and hit him on the knee with that little hammer thingy, but when it came to giving him a flu shot, he was like, 'What do you think you're doing with that thing?'" General Sanchez said.According to General Sanchez, Saddam said that he had only had a flu shot in his life once before, and that he had such a bad reaction to that one he vowed never to get a flu shot again."He wouldn't even let us give him the flu mist," General Sanchez said. "He's being a big baby about the whole thing, if you want to know the truth."In Saddam's hometown of Tikrit, Saddam...
  • The Borowitz Report: Torture By Tv

    U.S. intelligence officers interrogating Saddam Hussein are pressuring him to cooperate by repeatedly showing him ABC's two-hour wedding special featuring "Bachelorette" Trista Rehn and Ryan Sutter, the Pentagon acknowledged today.News of the Pentagon's use of "Trista and Ryan's Wedding" rippled through international human rights circles today, with some activists claiming that showing certain reality programs to prisoners of war could be in violation of the Geneva Conventions."Watching Trista marry Ryan once is punishment, but watching it six, seven times in a row may in fact constitute torture," said Dr. Josef Claire, a leading human rights watchdog based in Brussels.Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld told reporters that showing Saddam the video of the Rehn-Sutter nuptials was "something we did not enter into lightly.""Is forcing someone to watch 'Trista and Ryan's Wedding' cruel? Yes," Mr. Rumsfeld said. "But I submit to you: so is Saddam Hussein."In addition to defending...
  • The Borowitz Report: Poll: Soccer Moms Feel 'Taken For Granted'

    According to a survey of two key constituencies in the 2004 presidential race, soccer moms feel that they are being "taken for granted" by NASCAR dads, while NASCAR dads wish that soccer moms would "stop their nagging already."The poll, conducted by the Crandall Public Opinion Institute at the University of Minnesota, shows that 70 percent of soccer moms agree with the statement, "These NASCAR dads are not the NASCAR dads we married."Additionally, 63 percent of the soccer moms feel that NASCAR dads are spending "too much time" being courted by presidential candidates and "not enough time" performing such basic household tasks as carpooling, taking out the garbage, and raking leaves.For their part, 82 percent of NASCAR dads surveyed in the poll said they had had "just about enough" of the soccer moms' complaining. And a whopping 100 percent agreed with the statement, "I would rather go to a NASCAR race then sit around listening to you whining."Ominously, an equal percentage of soccer...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush To Do Everything In Secret

    Delighted by the success of his super-secret visit to Baghdad, President George W. Bush has decided to do everything in secret from now on, White House sources acknowledged today.While the president's decision to enshroud the executive branch in mystery was rumored to be in the works all weekend, White House press secretary Scott McClellan refused to confirm or deny the decision today, saying only that it was "a secret."McClellan, however, did say that all information relating to foreign policy, judicial appointments and the President's schedule in particular would be divulged on a "need-to-know" basis only. McClellan then pantomimed locking his mouth and throwing away the key.While the Baghdad trip clearly inspired the President's decision, Bush has long coveted the air of secrecy surrounding Vice President Dick Cheney, whom Mr. Bush has seen above ground only twice in the past 18 months.Bush is said to believe that his new secrecy policy will not prevent him from getting his...
  • The Borowitz Report: Cheney Named Interim King Of Pop

    Moving quickly to fill what it termed a "dangerous power vacuum," the White House this weekend appointed Vice President Dick Cheney to the position of Interim King of Pop.White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters that the absence of a King of Pop "posed a serious threat to civilized people everywhere."But McClellan took great pains to stress the temporary nature of Cheney's reign, saying that the vice president would serve in his new role only until a vote could be held to choose a legitimately elected King of Pop.McClellan also pointed out that the vice president, while not technically a pop star, shared many qualities in common with pop stars, including massive wealth and a long-standing sense of entitlement.Appearing on "Meet the Press" wearing one sequined glove, Cheney said, "Clearly, the office of King of Pop has been tarnished," but added: "I hope that by churning out a steady stream of Number One hit singles, as well as by busting some funky moves, I will bring...
  • The Borowitz Report: Jay Leno To Host First Primary

    The political playing field tilted dramatically today when late-night talk show host Jay Leno announced that the first primary in the nation would be held not in New Hampshire but instead on the Burbank set of "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.""Over the past few years, our influence over the political process has grown bigger than Anna Nicole Smith!" said Leno, accompanied by a punctuating musical "sting" from his bandleader, Kevin Eubanks.Leno then added, "You know what I mean?!," accompanied by another musical "sting" from Eubanks.But the decision to host the nation's first primary in Burbank did not sit well with Gov. Craig Benson of New Hampshire, who told reporters he was "furious" at Leno."Two can play at this game," Gov. Benson warned. "If Jay Leno wants to host the first primary, then New Hampshire will start stealing his guests." True to his word, Benson later announced that New Hampshire's guests next week would be "George Clooney, 'Elf' star Will Ferrell, and the fabulous...
  • The Borowitz Report: Cheney Inc. Expanding Faster Than The Economy

    The White House had yet another piece of good economic news to trumpet today, announcing that Vice President Dick Cheney had expanded even faster than the U.S. economy in the quarter just ended. "Our economic policy, including our program of tax cuts for the highest-income brackets, has resulted in the most dramatic expansion of a Vice President in U.S. history," President George W. Bush said.While Bush acknowledged that many Americans had yet to reap positive benefits from Cheney's explosive growth, he said that it was only a matter of time before the Vice President's surging wealth trickled down to the rest of the country.According to figures released by the White House, Cheney expanded at a torrid 11.2 percent rate in the last quarter, creating over 20,000 new jobs, most of them for Halliburton , the oil and gas company where Cheney had served as chairman and CEO before running for vice president.While economists expressed amazement at Cheney's unprecedented growth rate, some...
  • The Borowitz Report: David Blaine To Go 44 Days Without Publicity

    Internationally renowned magician David Blaine stunned the world today by announcing that for his next stunt, he would attempt to go 44 days without publicity. A spokesman for the master illusionist confirmed that, commencing Nov . 1, Blaine would spend the next 44 days "without generating headlines, appearing in TV specials or being photographed in New York nightclubs with German supermodels." While some in the world of magic and illusion called Mr. Blaine's audacious new stunt his boldest ever, others doubted that he could pull it off. Dr. Randall Kendrick, an adjunct professor at the University of Minnesota who teaches a graduate course in the history of celebrity magicians, is among the doubters. "It is important to remember that, in addition to being a magician, Mr. Blaine is a celebrity," Kendrick says. "Celebrities can go without a lot of things for 44 days-carbs, for example-but publicity is not one of them." Kendrick points to the example of on-again-off-again lovebirds...
  • The Borowitz Report: Outing Jessica Simpson

    In another potentially illegal White House leak, pop singer Jessica Simpson was outed today by a senior administration official as a CIA operative.Speakig on condition of anonymity, the source said that when he first heard about the Simpson-CIA connection, "I found it hard to believe, since she seems like the kind of person who would have difficulty peeling a banana."The blond-tressed songbird achieved a kind of international renown for her boneheaded behavior on the MTV series "Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica" in which, among other things, she demonstrated genuine confusion over why tuna would be packaged in a can labeled "Chicken of the Sea."But according to the source, her astonishingly dense performance on that show was "just an act-a very, very convincing act, but an act nonetheless.""Jessica was acting like a total dimwit to lull the enemy into a false sense of security," the source said. "The CIA was hoping that, over time, Jessica Simpson would be able to smash Al Qaeda."While...
  • The Borowitz Report: Comedians In Final Push For Arnold

    In the final hours of the California gubernatorial campaign, candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger received the coveted endorsement of the Golden State's comedians, who hope that the election of the easy-to-ridicule actor will mean billions of dollars in new revenue for California's troubled comedy industry.California comedians have suffered huge job and income losses during the administration of Governor Gray Davis, whose near-total lack of personality has proved a daunting challenge for the state's struggling joke manufacturers.But sensing that good times could be ahead with a Terminator in Sacramento, comedians in comedy clubs across the state have transformed their open-mic nights into get-out-the-vote rallies, all aimed at electing the highly laughable Schwarzenegger.Comic Tony Diamant, a mainstay of the Yuk-Yuks comedy club in Costa Mesa, said that comedians thought long and hard before giving their endorsement to Schwarzenegger, especially since two other joke candidates, sitcom...
  • The Borowitz Report Nostradamus: Cubs, Red Sox Playoff Berths Mean End Is Near

    In Chicago and Boston, World Series-starved baseball fans are singing "Happy Days Are Here Again"--but fans of the legendary seer Nostradamus are singing a different tune.That's because the famed French thinker and astrologer, who made scads of eerie predictions in the sixteenth century, predicted that the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox would both clinch playoff berths in 2003 and that the world would end shortly thereafter.For decades, baseball fans and prophecy scholars alike had discounted Nostradamus's gloomy prediction, since it was regarded as next-to-impossible that the hapless Chicago and Boston teams would ever make it to the playoffs in the same year.But over the weekend, when the Chicago Cubs clinched the National League Central and joined the Red Sox in the playoffs, experts warned that Armageddon might be at hand.At McSarty's, a popular Cubs watering hall near Wrigley Field in Chicago, Cubs fans were taking Nostradamus'doom-saying in stride. "I guess it would be...
  • The Borowitz Report: Californians Plan To Recall Los Angeles

    Recall fever swept across the Golden State once again today as California activists-emboldened by word that a federal appeals court would allow the Oct. 7 gubernatorial vote to go forward-pushed a new ballot initiative that would recall the entire city of Los Angeles.Anti-Los Angeles sentiment has been building in California for the past several years as the city has grown steadily more annoying. But few political insiders predicted that the state's voters would go so far as to vote it off the map.Providing fuel for the recall movement, however, was a report in last Thursday's Los Angeles Times that the city of Los Angeles, while comprising far less than half of the state's population, currently consumes more than 80 percent of the state's supply of botox. "A lot of voters saw that number and said, 'Throw the bums out'," says Bud Cregan, one of the recall movement's backers.While logistics of the recall remain sketchy, backers of the initiative said today that if the recall is...
  • The Borowitz Report: J. Lo's Posse Returns

    The bust-up of Hollywood couple Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck has had a positive effect on the U.S. economy, the Labor Department reported today, because Lopez immediately rehired the bloated entourage that Affleck had earlier insisted she fire.In the course of rehiring her extensive posse of yes men, sycophants and hangers-on, Lopez created as many as 100,000 new jobs, believed to be a new one-day record, the Labor Department reported.Across the nation, unemployed workers who had given up looking for jobs were cheered by the news of Lopez's staffing decision, many of them choosing to head to Miami's South Beach to seek employment as one of the extravagant diva's leeches.Lopez's unexpected hiring boom was only one economic benefit of the Affleck-Lopez split-up, as news of Affleck's single status sparked a rally in gaming and stripper-related stocks on Wall Street.ThongWare, the nation's largest manufacturer of thongs, G-strings and other stripper accessories, has seen its shares...
  • The Borowitz Report: Getting It On With Arnold

    After refusing to answer questions about a 1977 interview in Oui magazine in which he admitted to having group sex, California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger reversed course today, promising to have sex with the entire state of California if he is elected.Instead of ending a speech in Fresno with one of his oft-used catchphrases--"Hasta la vista, baby" or "I'll be back"--Mr. Schwarzenegger closed his address by saying, "California: I'm going to sex you up."Schwarzenegger's new emphasis on group sex may reflect a failure of the former action hero's anti-tax message to gain traction with California voters. But the shift in focus may also be a calculated attempt on the part of the Schwarzenegger team to halt the surge of porn star Mary Carey in the gubernatorial polls.While Ms. Carey has not offered to have sex with the entire state as part of her campaign for California's highest office, Mr. Schwarzenegger's advisors have been steadily urging him to outflank the porn...
  • The Borowitz Report: Ann Coulter Spontaneously Combusts

    Conservative pundit Ann Coulter spontaneously combusted today during an appearance on the Fox News Channel, sources at the cable network confirmed.According to those who witnessed the bizarre incident, Coulter was in the middle of an extended rant about liberal comedian Al Franken when her face became beet-red and smoke began to shoot out of both of her ears.Then, almost without warning, Ms. Coulter appeared to burst into flames, sources said. The New York Fire Department immediately rushed to the scene to extinguish Coulter, who continued to talk even while fully ablaze. "We were dousing her with three fire hoses, but she just kept on yapping," said Hal Reuss, a fireman who helped put out Ms. Coulter. "It was freaky."Meanwhile, outside the Fox News Channel's New York headquarters, thousands of publicity-starved authors congregated, begging Fox to sue them.Since news of Fox's lawsuit against comedian Franken promptly sent his new book to the top of the bestseller lists, a lawsuit...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Action Figure Recalled

    A G.I. Joe-like action figure depicting President George W. Bush as an "Elite Force Aviator" was recalled today by its manufacturer after consumers discovered that the $39.95 toy did not include the weapons of mass destruction pictured on the toy's packaging.The Bush action figure was packaged in a box showing the president in his naval flight suit made famous in his landing on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, uncovering weapons of mass destruction in a suspicious-looking Iraqi warehouse.But once parents bought the toy and brought it home, they found that the box contained only the action figure of the president and no weapons of mass destruction whatsoever.Janis Martino, 32, a mother of two in Lansing, Mich., said her son Tyler was "really disappointed" when he opened the toy's packaging and found no weapons of mass destruction inside. "He felt tricked," Martino said. "You can't tell someone that there are weapons of mass destruction and then have there not be any."Martino...
  • The Borowitz Report: Iraqis Reject Democracy, Cite California

    In what was seen as a setback to the establishment of a representative government in Iraq, that country's Governing Council today voted unanimously to reject democracy, citing the California gubernatorial race as a worst-case scenario."The Americans say that what has happened in California cannot possibly happen here," said Abdul al-Shibli, a council representative from Mosul. "But we are not prepared to take that risk."Interim Iraqi administrator L. Paul Bremer III had attempted a blackout of news from the Golden State, arguing that coverage of California's election would "not be helpful" at this sensitive stage in the evolution of Iraqi democracy.But much to Mr. Bremer's dismay, the Al-Jazeera television network beamed reports about the California race into Iraq late Friday, stirring fresh fears about democracy as a viable form of government in this war-torn country. "Saddam Hussein was a brutal madman, but at least he was qualified," said Mr. al-Shibli, in an apparent reference...
  • Bush: Saddam Bought Geraniums, Not Uranium

    In an extraordinary retraction of key elements in his last State of the Union Address, President George W. Bush revealed today that Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein did not attempt to buy uranium in Africa, as earlier alleged, but merely geraniums. "As I was reading the speech to the nation, I should have caught that typo," the President told reporters today. "My bad."While the news about the uranium/geranium goof stunned diplomatic circles, Bush remained resolute about his decision to go to war, arguing that buying geraniums, while not as potentially dangerous as buying uranium, still represented a "suspicious" activity on the part of the Iraqi madman. "The question we have to ask is, who was he buying these geraniums for?" Bush said. "Was he buying them for Osama bin Laden or Kim Jung-Il or some other evildoer? Luckily, we'll never find out."Bush said that, thanks to Operation Iraqi Freedom, "Saddam Hussein is no longer free to terrorize the world with his evil flower-buying sprees....
  • The Borowitz Report: Rumsfeld Gives Speech Wearing 'Hulk' Hands

    In what was widely seen as an attempt to send North Korean dictaor Kim Jung-Il a message, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld delivered a major policy speech on North Korea today wearing big green "Hulk" hands.Gesturing forcefully with the big green hands --a popular novelty item sold at Toys 'R' Us and other retail outlets --Rumsfeld delivered a stern warning to the North Korean madman. "Don't make me mad," Rumsfeld said, alluding to Pyongyang's active nuclear program. "You won't like me when I'm mad."According to foreign-policy insiders, the symbolism of the Defense Secretary's big green 'Hulk' hands was unmistakable. "Donald Rumsfeld seems to be saying that if Kim Jung-Il insists on producing nuclear weapons, he could be looking at an entirely different Donald Rumsfeld--a truly frightening, rampaging one," says Brian Gleason of the Talleyrand Institute, a foreign policy think-tank at the University of Minnesota.While Gleason stopped short of suggesting that Rumsfeld might...
  • The Borowitz Report: Monica To Narrate Hillary's Audio Book

    In the publicity coup of the year, former White House intern Monica Lewinsky was chosen today to narrate the audio book version of Sen. Hillary Clinton's best-selling memoir, "Living History."The former intern, who has recently forged careers as a reality-TV host and a handbag designer, said she was "totally stoked" about playing the role of the former First Lady. "In order to grow as a performer, you have to try new things," Lewinsky said. "I've been asked to do a lot of role-playing in the past, but this is the first time I've ever been asked to be Hillary."The choice of Lewinsky is expected to send Clinton's book, already a best-seller, into the publishing stratosphere, and may also serve to promote sales of Clinton's soon-to-be-released computer game, "Hillary: Reloaded." In the game, replete with state-of-the-art special effects, Clinton is depicted hurling a lamp, ashtray and other small household objects at an adversary who appears to resemble former President Bill Clinton,...