Andy Borowitz

Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • The Borowitz Report: Iraqi Information Minister Vows Big Changes At The New York Times

    In a move destined to rock the journalism world, former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf was named executive editor of The New York Times today after the surprisingly brief tenure of interim editor Joseph Lelyveld.Mr. Al-Sahaf, who had been serving as the spokesman for media giant AOL-Time Warner, said he welcomed the challenges ahead in his new post at the Times."Much as I loved working at AOL-Time Warner, I was bored," Mr. al-Sahaf said. "There was very little to do there because the company is in such fantastic shape."But Mr. al-Sahaf showed that he was ready to hit the ground running as executive editor of the Times, naming as his deputy editor former Baghdad Times editor Maysaloun al-Hillawi, also known as "Dr. Typo."The former Iraqi information minister added that the paper would now switch to what he called a "100 percent inaccurate format," dropping any remaining pretense of reporting the facts.Dr. David Beiler of the University of Minnesota School of...
  • The Borowitz Report Poll: Most Criminals Don't Want To Bunk With Ceos

    In a new survey of career criminals serving time in America's federal penitentiaries, a full 83 percent of the hardened convicts "strongly object" to the notion of sharing their cells with disgraced CEOs.Across the board, America's prisoners cite "fear of losing personal belongings" as the main reason for refusing to bunk with the former top executives."Fear of losing cigarettes or other personal effects" was most often cited by the prisoners polled, with "fear of losing life savings" and "fear of losing all of the assets in my 401(k) account" also mentioned frequently.Anecdotal evidence illustrates the strongly negative opinions the prison population holds about America's CEOs, with many prisoners preferring to share their cells with violent offenders rather than with former chief executives."When you're behind bars with an armed robber, you know you can't turn your back on him or he'll try to pull something," said one prisoner serving a fifteen year sentence. "But these CEOs will...
  • Bush To Eliminate The Environment

    One week after Christine Todd Whitman departed her post at the Environmental Protection Agency, President George W. Bush announced ambitious new plans to phase out the environment altogether by 2004. "In addition to cutting taxes, it is the goal of this administration to cut our wasteful, bloated environment," Bush said in a speech before the Association of Indiscriminate Applauders in Washington.While plans to eliminate the environment entirely are still being formulated, the general strategy of the White House is to phase out the environment gradually "so that hardly anyone will notice it's gone," an aide said today.Apparently, the plan to eliminate the environment may have prompted Ms. Whitman's decision to leave the EPA, since the agency's mission seemed increasingly nebulous in the absence of an environment to protect. "Christie decided to move from the EPA to New Jersey because a year from now New Jersey will still be around," one source said.The President's plan calls for a...
  • The Borowitz Report: Democratic Hopefuls Disappear

    The nine leading contenders for the 2004 Democratic nomination mysteriously disappeared "sometime over the weekend," an FBI spokesman said today, noting that a full two days had passed before anyone noticed.The Democratic hopefuls were last seen at a poorly attended candidates' forum in Manchester, New Hampshire last Friday that received no coverage from the cable news networks or even C-SPAN.Some time after that, the FBI said, the candidates appeared to have vanished into thin air, but since no one reported their disappearance for days, "the trail has gone completely cold.""People often ask, how could someone disappear into thin air without anyone noticing they're gone?" said FBI spokesman David Bixby. "The answer is: easy, if you're Howard Dean."Dr. Charles Renseler, a forensic psychologist at the University of Minnesota, theorizes that the trauma of being ignored by 280 million Americans may have caused all nine of the candidates to suffer from what he called "mass amnesia...
  • The Borowitz Report: Chirac To Pose Naked

    French President Jacques Chirac startled diplomatic circles today with his decision to pose nude for the cover of Entertainment Weekly magazine.Mr. Chirac, his hands strategically covering key parts of his anatomy, appears buck naked on the magazine cover with controversial phrases and epithets such as "cheese-eating surrender monkey" written on his body in what appears to be magic marker.Reached at his home in Paris, Mr. Chirac said he took the unusual step of doffing his duds for Entertainment Weekly after losing a coin toss to French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin.While some in the State Department called Mr. Chirac's bid to win back American fans "desperate," the French President defended his decision: "It's not about the nakedness. It's about clothes getting in the way of labels."A spokesman for the French President later acknowledged that Mr. Chirac had no idea what that statement meant.Secretary of State Colin Powell, who just last week said that the French would be ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Asks Raelians To Clone Tony Blair

    In a rare appearance on NBC's "Meet the Press" on Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney disclosed that the White House has enlisted Clonaid, the cloning concern run by the controversial Raelians cult, to create "as many as a dozen" clones of British Prime Minister Tony Blair.The vice president revealed that the decision to approach Clonaid was made during a late-night brainstorming session at the White House in which the President reportedly said, "I wish we had nine Tony Blairs."Picking up on the President's off-handed remark, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice replied, "Mr. President, we have the technology."Mr. Cheney said the White House opted to clone Mr. Blair after they realized they had only two real choices in the current diplomatic standoff over Iraq: "Either get more allies to agree with us, or clone the one ally who does."Although the Vice President refused to be specific about where the new Tony Blairs were being cloned, sources close to the procedure say that the...
  • The Borowitz Report: France Withdraws Support From Jerry Lewis

    In a sign of the deepening rift between France and the United States, France today announced that it was withdrawing its support from the actor-comedian Jerry Lewis."As a nation, from this day forth we will no longer consider Jerry Lewis a comic genius," said French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin. "Nor will we be pressured into thinking he is funny."For years, France had isolated itself by being the only country in NATO to hail such Lewis films as "The Nutty Professor" and "The Bellboy," as sublime achievements of a brilliant comic mind.But by withdrawing its support from Jerry Lewis now, the nation that has long sustained the reputation not only of Lewis but also of the unshaven American actor Mickey Rourke is sending a strong signal that it will no longer be seduced by America's dubious cultural icons."If I were Madonna I would be very, very concerned right now," said Henri Broyard, an observer of the French cultural scene.At the White House, aides to President Bush were...
  • The Borowitz Report: Code Yellow

    Just days after the Department of Homeland Security reduced the nation's terror alert status from orange to yellow, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge urged all Americans to stock up on Scotch tape rather than duct tape and to immediately destroy half the amount of water and food they keep in their homes."Under code yellow, sealing a room in your house with Scotch tape will do the trick," Ridge said. "And if you run out of tape before you're done, don't lose any sleep over it."Ridge also gave a complete list of tobacco and alcohol guidelines for Code Yellow, urging Americans to cut back to two packs of cigarettes a day and one 40-ounce can of malt liquor before lunch.In addition, Ridge said, Americans who have been irritably snapping at their spouses during Code Orange may now merely give them dirty looks and subject them to long, stony silences.While the government said that the reduction in terror-alert status came about because of a reduction in terrorist chatter in recent...
  • The Borowitz Report: No Conflict Of Interest

    A potentially embarrassing bombshell hit the Bush administration today as it was revealed that Vice President Dick Cheney controls a company that has virtually cornered the world market in duct tape and plastic sheeting.The business, GloboWrapCorp, currently sells between 97 and 98 percent of all of the duct tape and plastic sheeting in the world, according to estimates. While Cheney's ties to the oil-services company Halliburton raised some eyebrows during the 2000 campaign, his investment in GloboWrapCorp has gone almost entirely unnoticed.But with recent calls from government officials urging the public to stock up on these materials, lawmakers on Capitol Hill today raised pointed questions about Cheney's control of what amounts to a global duct-tape/plastic-sheeting monopoly."According to information provided to me, almost every dollar spent on these supplies goes directly into Dick Cheney's pocket," said Democratic leader Tom Daschle. "If that's not a conflict of interest, then...
  • The Borowitz Report: Did Jacko Have Plastic Surgery?

    At the United Nations today, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell offered what he called "conclusive proof" that the singer Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery--but failed to convince France.In his presentation, Powell first showed two photos of Jackson, taken in 1979 and 2003, to illustrate the dramatic transformation of the singer's face from human to Halloween mask.As Security Council members watched intently, Powell then played a tape of a recent court appearance by Jackson, during which the tip of his nose appeared to fall from his face and onto the floor.Finally, Powell played a tape of the ABC program "20/20" in which Jackson admitted he had plastic surgery, after which a visibly frustrated Powell turned to the ambassador from France and said, "How much more proof do you clowns need?"While the French ambassador did not respond, impassively sipping on a glass of red wine and reading a book by Camus, French President Jacques Chirac had harsh words for Powell later in the...
  • The Borowitz Report: Kim Jung Il Is Urged To Lose Sunglasses

    A delegation of diplomats from South Korea paid a visit to North Korean President Kim Jung Il today to ask Kim to stop wearing his scary-looking sunglasses, which have "unnecessarily added to the tensions in the Korean peninsula," the diplomats said.While Kim's statements about North Korea's nuclear weapons programs have been frightening enough, the diplomats said, they have been made "all the scarier" by virtue of the creepy-looking shades Kim was wearing while saying them."We would welcome constructive discussions with the North, but only after he takes off those glasses," one South Korean official said today. "They are really creeping us out."But in Pyongyang, a government spokesman expressed "surprise and dismay" that the South Koreans were spooked by the North Korean president's seemingly evil sunglasses."Kim Jung Il did not intend to scare anyone with his sunglasses," the representative said. "He meant them only to be cool-looking."A delegation from North Korea expects to meet...
  • The Borowitz Report: Saddam: Chemical Weapons Were Used To Research Movie Role

    Minutes after United Nations weapons-inspection spokesman Hiro Ueki announced that inspectors had found empty chemical weapon warheads while searching a storage area in Iraq, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein came forward to explain that he had used the warheads merely to do research for a role in an upcoming movie. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Take Me Seriously, Says Raelian Leader

    Taking a bold step to improve the credibility of his organization and its attempts to clone a human being, the leader of the religious group known as The Raelians today announced that he was removing the hair knot that sits atop his head. ...
  • The Borowitz Report

    As the holiday season heads into high gear, a new scientific study released today appears to confirm what many scientists have suspected for years: that in-laws make no significant contribution to the survival or betterment of the human species.The study, authored by Dr. William Haggerty of the University of Minnesota, studied the behavior of more than 1,000 in-laws during a period of 10 holiday seasons and found that the in-laws--or "pseudorelatives" as the study calls them--served no positive purpose whatsoever."Based on our data, in-laws spend most of the holidays freeloading, eating excessively and drinking up the contents of their hosts' liquor cabinets," Haggerty said.In exchange for their boorish behavior, the study noted, the irritating pseudorelatives usually offer nothing but "extremely inexpensive gifts that they picked up at the last second at the cash register at CVS."While some members of the scientific community questioned the timing of the study's release--coinciding...
  • The Borowitz Report: Coalition Forms To Stop Hugh Grant

    A broad-based coalition took action today in the United Nations to pass a strongly worded resolution prohibiting British actor Hugh Grant from appearing in any more lame romantic comedies.President Paul Biya of the Republic of Cameroon spearheaded the resolution, believed to be the first against a film actor since the world body's inception. Biya, speaking to the U.N. General Assembly, received thunderous ovations when he unleashed harsh rhetoric aimed at Grant, a once-appealing actor whose hammy stammering has become an irritating hallmark of recent Hollywood vehicles in which he has starred."Hugh Grant must be stopped," Biya told the General Assembly. "We hope that he will stop himself, but we are resolved to use force to stop him if necessary."But putting a halt to Grant--even as Cameroon rallies the support of most of the nations of the world to do so--may present grim challenges, warns Professor Ernest Bronson of the University of Minnesota."Hammy British actors have proven to...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Forces U.S. Economy To Resign

    President George W. Bush moved decisively today to stem the recent tide of bad economic news by demanding that the U.S. economy resign, effective immediately.Mr. Bush demanded that the economy call it quits in a closed-door meeting with the economy in the Oval Office late last night."It's no secret that the President and the economy haven't been on the same page for some time now," one source close to Mr. Bush said. "I think the President finally decided it was time to say, 'It's my way or the highway'."White House aides had been saying privately in recent weeks that the President was "furious" at the economy for producing rising unemployment numbers and other gloomy statistics that could prove damaging to the Bush administration."As far as the President was concerned, the economy wasn't a team player," one aide said.Stock market futures plunged on the news that the U.S. economy had been forced to quit, as investors expressed anxiety about which economy Mr. Bush might ultimately...
  • The Borowitz Report: Enough Cooperation Already

    After praising his Iraqi hosts for being "cooperative" with United Nations weapons inspectors, United Nations inspection chief Hans Blix reversed course today, saying that he now feared the Iraqis were being "too cooperative.""At first, I was pleased that they were giving us access to all of the sites on our list," Blix told reporters in Baghdad. "But now, unfortunately, they are showing us things that we didn't even want to look at." Blix said that he first detected the signs of "excessive Iraqi cooperation" last Friday, when inspectors completed their walkthrough of an animal-vaccine factory and their host refused to let them leave. "He was like, 'Wait, you haven't seen pictures from my trip to Spain yet'," Blix said.The Iraqi representative then insisted that they sit down and look at his photo album, as well as several lengthy home videos of a camping trip in Greece, Blix said.Observers worried that the Iraqis may be try to make the inspectors' eyes glaze over, rendering them...
  • The Borowitz Report: Eminem Enters Anger-Replenishment Program

    Eminem, the rapper whose angry, misogynist rants helped catapult him to the top of the pop charts, has entered a so-called anger-replenishment program after advisers to the rapper had noticed worrisome signs of nonangry behavior by the platinum-selling artist. "As he becomes embraced by the mainstream, it's getting harder and harder for Eminem to find things to be annoyed about," said Irv Faustino, the rapper's accountant. "As his financial adviser, I'm frankly concerned."According to Faustino, Eminem was involved in a fender bender in Detroit recently after which he calmly rolled down his window and called out to the other driver, "My bad."And in an incident that further confirmed his advisers' darkest fears, last week the rapper was heard whistling along to a commercial jingle by electronic musician Moby, who had previously been the target of the rapper's most eviscerating scorn.Music industry insiders said that the erstwhile pariah's outlaw status began to evaporate during his...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Insists On Tough New Year's Resolutions From Saddam

    Turning up the heat on Saddam Hussein once more, President George W. Bush demanded today that the United Nations approve a list of tough New Year's resolutions for the Iraqi strongman.Bush is insisting that Saddam resolve to stop smoking "cold turkey" as of midnight, Dec. 31.In addition, Saddam must stop eating his favorite between-meals treat, Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies, and must shed 20 pounds by Feb. 1. "We are giving the evildoer one last chance," Bush said at the White House today. "He can either stop smoking and lose that spare tire around his gut or face serious consequences."To enforce the tough New Year's resolutions, the United Nations would send a team of ashtray inspectors to Baghdad to guarantee that Saddam is not sneaking an occasional smoke in violation of the U.N. rules.In addition, Bush says he would travel to Baghdad once a week for an official weigh-in of the Iraqi dictator, during which Bush and a team of U.N. inspectors would witness Saddam stepping on a...
  • The Borowitz Report: Saddam Unimpressed By Gop Margin Of Victory

    Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein attempted to pour cold water on the GOP election victories last night, claiming that the Republicans' margin of victory fell far short of the 100 percent necessary to be considered a true mandate."The Republicans are all crowing about what a big win this was for Bush," Saddam told reporters in Baghdad. "One hundred percent--now, that's big. These numbers are pathetic."Saddam singled out Gov. Jeb Bush's "squeaker" of a victory in Florida as a serious blow to brother George W. Bush's prestige."Jeb's victory margin was, what, 13 percent?" Saddam said. "Ouch! Last time I counted, that's nowhere near 100 percent."The Iraqi strongman said that the Republicans' retaking of control in the U.S. Senate was nothing to brag about, either, since they failed to take all 100 seats."What's with all the champagne popping?" Saddam asked. "If I woke up after an election and saw that I only had the Senate by a seat or two, I'd get out of town!"Saddam added that the GOP's...
  • The Borowitz Report: Democrats Fight To Retain Control Of Senate's Rubber Stamp

    As the days until the midterm elections dwindle, Democratic leaders fanned out across the country to remind the party faithful of what is at stake: the right to rubber-stamp anything the president wants to do."Your votes have never been more important," Majority Leader Tom Daschle exhorted at a Democratic rally in Springfield, Ill., today. "Only you can decide whether Democrats continue to rubber-stamp the president's policies or whether the Republicans get to do it."With national polls showing Democrats and Republicans in a dead heat, control of the Senate's coveted rubber stamp is hanging in the balance, political observers say."The key question is, with so many problems facing the country right now, whom do the voters trust more with the Senate's rubber stamp?" asks Dr. Irvin Koontz of the Brookings Institution.Koontz points to a recent survey that asked likely voters the question, "Which party do you think is better equipped to approve all of the president's proposals, Democrats...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Accuses Iraq Of Hiding Nukes In North Korea

    In a bombshell with serious ramifications for U.S. foreign policy, President Bush today accused Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein of hiding nuclear weapons in North Korea.While the president offered no hard evidence to back up his startling claim, he insisted that the so-called secret North Korean nuclear weapons program was actually a secret Iraqi nuclear weapons program.He went on to quote intelligence reports suggesting that Saddam Hussein had sent the weapons to North Korea in big wooden crates stamped with the logo of Harry & David's, a popular food-by-mail gift service, to avoid interdiction en route."This may be the evilest thing this doer of evil has ever done," Bush said.Bush's stunning revelations may have been meant to deflect criticism of the administration's policy of being mean to Iraq but not quite so mean to North Korea.But North Korea complicated that effort somewhat by announcing later in the day that the weapons were in fact their own and did not come from Iraq,...
  • The Borowitz Report: O.J. No Longer '100 Percent Sure' He Is Innocent

    Days after former O. J. Simpson defense attorney Johnnie Cochran said on MSNBC that he is "about 90 percent" certain that his client was innocent, Mr. Simpson today said that his attorney had planted "fresh seeds of doubt" in his own mind."For years, I've been pretty sure that I did not murder my wife," Simpson said today at a golf course in Boca Raton, Fla., where he was taking a rare break from searching for the real killers of his wife. "But if Johnnie's not 100 percent sure, I'm like, hey, maybe I better take another look at this." Simpson added that it would be "crazy" not to be swayed by Cochran's new statements, which he called "thought provoking.""Look, you're talking about a guy, Johnnie Cochran, who is a pretty smart guy," Simpson said. "If he said maybe I did it, then maybe I did it."Cochran's doubts about Simpson's innocence may help resolve one lingering mystery for the former Heisman Trophy winner: why it has been so difficult for him to find his wife's real killers,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Weapons Inspections To Begin

    United Nations weapons inspectors have informed Iraq that they will be arriving to look for weapons of mass destruction sometime between 8 a.m. and 12 noon today and have asked if someone will be home to let them in. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Saddam Pulls Plug On Cbs's 'Survivor: Baghdad'

    In an abrupt about-face reminiscent of his expulsion of United Nations weapons inspectors, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein today kicked out a team of CBS production personnel who were readying the network's upcoming "Survivor: Baghdad" series.Saddam-watchers were surprised by the move, especially since it comes at a time when the Iraqi dictator is attempting to court world opinion. "Nobody needs a hit TV show right now more than Saddam Hussein," said Dr. David Hinton of the Brookings Institution.Hussein had reportedly been looking forward to filming the series and had spent grueling hours in the gym developing well-defined, rock-hard abs in order to look better with his shirt off.But just as the CBS production team was assembling a thatched hut adorned with Tiki torches for the series' "tribal council" segments, the Iraqi strongman apparently had a change of heart--leaving the network in search of another rogue nation to host the series."I've been speed-dialing every country in the...
  • The Borowitz Report: Cheney Urges Iraq To Reconsider Weapons Inspections

    Just minutes after the government of Iraq agreed to the unconditional return of United Nations weapons inspectors, Vice President Dick Cheney urged the Iraqis to reconsider their decision. "Let's not be too hasty about this," Cheney urged the Iraqi government. "You could be making a huge mistake here, guys."Cheney added that allowing weapons inspectors to return was a "big decision" and encouraged the Iraqis to "sleep on it." But hours after Cheney told he Iraqis to reconsider, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein released an official statement of his own, leaving little doubt that he intended to stick with his decision. "Not only am I sure that I want the weapons inspectors to come back to Iraq," Saddam's statement read, "but I am totally stoked about it."A less enthusiastic response to Saddam's decision came from U.S. Army Gen. Tommy R. Franks, who had just moved his United States Central Command office from Florida to Qatar in preparation for military exercises in the Persian Gulf...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Permits Loggers To Chop Down Congress

    In a move seemingly designed to raise the hackles of environmentalists and congressmen alike, President Bush today authorized the logging industry to begin chopping down the Capitol building "immediately.""The capitol contains a high concentration of dead wood that represents an unacceptable fire hazard," said the president, speaking in front of a background adorned with the slogan LOGGING RULES!"Therefore, I urge the loggers of America to come to Washington, whip out their chainsaws and start chopping the old thing down," Bush said.Once the Capitol building has been completely razed, Bush's plans for the vacated site include a shopping mall complete with food court and 24-screen multiplex.While some in Congress howled at the president's unilateral decision to set loggers loose on the Capitol building, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said that the president was acting on the advice of the White House legal counsel."The president does not need the permission of Congress to...
  • The Borowitz Report: Shortage Of Economic Slogans

    America's supply of meaningless economic slogans, such as "Corporate Responsibility" and "Small Investors Retirement Security," has been drained almost dry in the past few weeks as President Bush made a series of banal speeches in the hopes of talking up the flagging economy.That is the message from senior White House aides, who say that America's slogan reserves were taxed to the breaking point last week at the President's Economic Forum at Baylor University in Waco, Texas."People seem to think that meaningless economic slogans are a renewable resource," one Bush aide said. "That is simply not the case."As the stock markets went into a free-fall this summer, President Bush was forced to make a series of meaningless cheerleading speeches in front of slogan-bedecked backgrounds, a decision that may have triggered the nation's current slogan shortage.Senior aides have been scrambling to develop new slogans, but much of their handiwork is instantly consigned to the dustbin, such as the...