Andy Borowitz

Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • The Borowitz Report: Californians Plan To Recall Los Angeles

    Recall fever swept across the Golden State once again today as California activists-emboldened by word that a federal appeals court would allow the Oct. 7 gubernatorial vote to go forward-pushed a new ballot initiative that would recall the entire city of Los Angeles.Anti-Los Angeles sentiment has been building in California for the past several years as the city has grown steadily more annoying. But few political insiders predicted that the state's voters would go so far as to vote it off the map.Providing fuel for the recall movement, however, was a report in last Thursday's Los Angeles Times that the city of Los Angeles, while comprising far less than half of the state's population, currently consumes more than 80 percent of the state's supply of botox. "A lot of voters saw that number and said, 'Throw the bums out'," says Bud Cregan, one of the recall movement's backers.While logistics of the recall remain sketchy, backers of the initiative said today that if the recall is...
  • The Borowitz Report: J. Lo's Posse Returns

    The bust-up of Hollywood couple Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck has had a positive effect on the U.S. economy, the Labor Department reported today, because Lopez immediately rehired the bloated entourage that Affleck had earlier insisted she fire.In the course of rehiring her extensive posse of yes men, sycophants and hangers-on, Lopez created as many as 100,000 new jobs, believed to be a new one-day record, the Labor Department reported.Across the nation, unemployed workers who had given up looking for jobs were cheered by the news of Lopez's staffing decision, many of them choosing to head to Miami's South Beach to seek employment as one of the extravagant diva's leeches.Lopez's unexpected hiring boom was only one economic benefit of the Affleck-Lopez split-up, as news of Affleck's single status sparked a rally in gaming and stripper-related stocks on Wall Street.ThongWare, the nation's largest manufacturer of thongs, G-strings and other stripper accessories, has seen its shares...
  • The Borowitz Report: Getting It On With Arnold

    After refusing to answer questions about a 1977 interview in Oui magazine in which he admitted to having group sex, California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger reversed course today, promising to have sex with the entire state of California if he is elected.Instead of ending a speech in Fresno with one of his oft-used catchphrases--"Hasta la vista, baby" or "I'll be back"--Mr. Schwarzenegger closed his address by saying, "California: I'm going to sex you up."Schwarzenegger's new emphasis on group sex may reflect a failure of the former action hero's anti-tax message to gain traction with California voters. But the shift in focus may also be a calculated attempt on the part of the Schwarzenegger team to halt the surge of porn star Mary Carey in the gubernatorial polls.While Ms. Carey has not offered to have sex with the entire state as part of her campaign for California's highest office, Mr. Schwarzenegger's advisors have been steadily urging him to outflank the porn...
  • The Borowitz Report: Ann Coulter Spontaneously Combusts

    Conservative pundit Ann Coulter spontaneously combusted today during an appearance on the Fox News Channel, sources at the cable network confirmed.According to those who witnessed the bizarre incident, Coulter was in the middle of an extended rant about liberal comedian Al Franken when her face became beet-red and smoke began to shoot out of both of her ears.Then, almost without warning, Ms. Coulter appeared to burst into flames, sources said. The New York Fire Department immediately rushed to the scene to extinguish Coulter, who continued to talk even while fully ablaze. "We were dousing her with three fire hoses, but she just kept on yapping," said Hal Reuss, a fireman who helped put out Ms. Coulter. "It was freaky."Meanwhile, outside the Fox News Channel's New York headquarters, thousands of publicity-starved authors congregated, begging Fox to sue them.Since news of Fox's lawsuit against comedian Franken promptly sent his new book to the top of the bestseller lists, a lawsuit...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Action Figure Recalled

    A G.I. Joe-like action figure depicting President George W. Bush as an "Elite Force Aviator" was recalled today by its manufacturer after consumers discovered that the $39.95 toy did not include the weapons of mass destruction pictured on the toy's packaging.The Bush action figure was packaged in a box showing the president in his naval flight suit made famous in his landing on the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln, uncovering weapons of mass destruction in a suspicious-looking Iraqi warehouse.But once parents bought the toy and brought it home, they found that the box contained only the action figure of the president and no weapons of mass destruction whatsoever.Janis Martino, 32, a mother of two in Lansing, Mich., said her son Tyler was "really disappointed" when he opened the toy's packaging and found no weapons of mass destruction inside. "He felt tricked," Martino said. "You can't tell someone that there are weapons of mass destruction and then have there not be any."Martino...
  • The Borowitz Report: Iraqis Reject Democracy, Cite California

    In what was seen as a setback to the establishment of a representative government in Iraq, that country's Governing Council today voted unanimously to reject democracy, citing the California gubernatorial race as a worst-case scenario."The Americans say that what has happened in California cannot possibly happen here," said Abdul al-Shibli, a council representative from Mosul. "But we are not prepared to take that risk."Interim Iraqi administrator L. Paul Bremer III had attempted a blackout of news from the Golden State, arguing that coverage of California's election would "not be helpful" at this sensitive stage in the evolution of Iraqi democracy.But much to Mr. Bremer's dismay, the Al-Jazeera television network beamed reports about the California race into Iraq late Friday, stirring fresh fears about democracy as a viable form of government in this war-torn country. "Saddam Hussein was a brutal madman, but at least he was qualified," said Mr. al-Shibli, in an apparent reference...
  • Bush: Saddam Bought Geraniums, Not Uranium

    In an extraordinary retraction of key elements in his last State of the Union Address, President George W. Bush revealed today that Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein did not attempt to buy uranium in Africa, as earlier alleged, but merely geraniums. "As I was reading the speech to the nation, I should have caught that typo," the President told reporters today. "My bad."While the news about the uranium/geranium goof stunned diplomatic circles, Bush remained resolute about his decision to go to war, arguing that buying geraniums, while not as potentially dangerous as buying uranium, still represented a "suspicious" activity on the part of the Iraqi madman. "The question we have to ask is, who was he buying these geraniums for?" Bush said. "Was he buying them for Osama bin Laden or Kim Jung-Il or some other evildoer? Luckily, we'll never find out."Bush said that, thanks to Operation Iraqi Freedom, "Saddam Hussein is no longer free to terrorize the world with his evil flower-buying sprees....
  • The Borowitz Report: Rumsfeld Gives Speech Wearing 'Hulk' Hands

    In what was widely seen as an attempt to send North Korean dictaor Kim Jung-Il a message, Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld delivered a major policy speech on North Korea today wearing big green "Hulk" hands.Gesturing forcefully with the big green hands --a popular novelty item sold at Toys 'R' Us and other retail outlets --Rumsfeld delivered a stern warning to the North Korean madman. "Don't make me mad," Rumsfeld said, alluding to Pyongyang's active nuclear program. "You won't like me when I'm mad."According to foreign-policy insiders, the symbolism of the Defense Secretary's big green 'Hulk' hands was unmistakable. "Donald Rumsfeld seems to be saying that if Kim Jung-Il insists on producing nuclear weapons, he could be looking at an entirely different Donald Rumsfeld--a truly frightening, rampaging one," says Brian Gleason of the Talleyrand Institute, a foreign policy think-tank at the University of Minnesota.While Gleason stopped short of suggesting that Rumsfeld might...
  • The Borowitz Report: Monica To Narrate Hillary's Audio Book

    In the publicity coup of the year, former White House intern Monica Lewinsky was chosen today to narrate the audio book version of Sen. Hillary Clinton's best-selling memoir, "Living History."The former intern, who has recently forged careers as a reality-TV host and a handbag designer, said she was "totally stoked" about playing the role of the former First Lady. "In order to grow as a performer, you have to try new things," Lewinsky said. "I've been asked to do a lot of role-playing in the past, but this is the first time I've ever been asked to be Hillary."The choice of Lewinsky is expected to send Clinton's book, already a best-seller, into the publishing stratosphere, and may also serve to promote sales of Clinton's soon-to-be-released computer game, "Hillary: Reloaded." In the game, replete with state-of-the-art special effects, Clinton is depicted hurling a lamp, ashtray and other small household objects at an adversary who appears to resemble former President Bill Clinton,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Iraqi Information Minister Vows Big Changes At The New York Times

    In a move destined to rock the journalism world, former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf was named executive editor of The New York Times today after the surprisingly brief tenure of interim editor Joseph Lelyveld.Mr. Al-Sahaf, who had been serving as the spokesman for media giant AOL-Time Warner, said he welcomed the challenges ahead in his new post at the Times."Much as I loved working at AOL-Time Warner, I was bored," Mr. al-Sahaf said. "There was very little to do there because the company is in such fantastic shape."But Mr. al-Sahaf showed that he was ready to hit the ground running as executive editor of the Times, naming as his deputy editor former Baghdad Times editor Maysaloun al-Hillawi, also known as "Dr. Typo."The former Iraqi information minister added that the paper would now switch to what he called a "100 percent inaccurate format," dropping any remaining pretense of reporting the facts.Dr. David Beiler of the University of Minnesota School of...
  • The Borowitz Report Poll: Most Criminals Don't Want To Bunk With Ceos

    In a new survey of career criminals serving time in America's federal penitentiaries, a full 83 percent of the hardened convicts "strongly object" to the notion of sharing their cells with disgraced CEOs.Across the board, America's prisoners cite "fear of losing personal belongings" as the main reason for refusing to bunk with the former top executives."Fear of losing cigarettes or other personal effects" was most often cited by the prisoners polled, with "fear of losing life savings" and "fear of losing all of the assets in my 401(k) account" also mentioned frequently.Anecdotal evidence illustrates the strongly negative opinions the prison population holds about America's CEOs, with many prisoners preferring to share their cells with violent offenders rather than with former chief executives."When you're behind bars with an armed robber, you know you can't turn your back on him or he'll try to pull something," said one prisoner serving a fifteen year sentence. "But these CEOs will...
  • Bush To Eliminate The Environment

    One week after Christine Todd Whitman departed her post at the Environmental Protection Agency, President George W. Bush announced ambitious new plans to phase out the environment altogether by 2004. "In addition to cutting taxes, it is the goal of this administration to cut our wasteful, bloated environment," Bush said in a speech before the Association of Indiscriminate Applauders in Washington.While plans to eliminate the environment entirely are still being formulated, the general strategy of the White House is to phase out the environment gradually "so that hardly anyone will notice it's gone," an aide said today.Apparently, the plan to eliminate the environment may have prompted Ms. Whitman's decision to leave the EPA, since the agency's mission seemed increasingly nebulous in the absence of an environment to protect. "Christie decided to move from the EPA to New Jersey because a year from now New Jersey will still be around," one source said.The President's plan calls for a...
  • The Borowitz Report: Democratic Hopefuls Disappear

    The nine leading contenders for the 2004 Democratic nomination mysteriously disappeared "sometime over the weekend," an FBI spokesman said today, noting that a full two days had passed before anyone noticed.The Democratic hopefuls were last seen at a poorly attended candidates' forum in Manchester, New Hampshire last Friday that received no coverage from the cable news networks or even C-SPAN.Some time after that, the FBI said, the candidates appeared to have vanished into thin air, but since no one reported their disappearance for days, "the trail has gone completely cold.""People often ask, how could someone disappear into thin air without anyone noticing they're gone?" said FBI spokesman David Bixby. "The answer is: easy, if you're Howard Dean."Dr. Charles Renseler, a forensic psychologist at the University of Minnesota, theorizes that the trauma of being ignored by 280 million Americans may have caused all nine of the candidates to suffer from what he called "mass amnesia...
  • The Borowitz Report: Chirac To Pose Naked

    French President Jacques Chirac startled diplomatic circles today with his decision to pose nude for the cover of Entertainment Weekly magazine.Mr. Chirac, his hands strategically covering key parts of his anatomy, appears buck naked on the magazine cover with controversial phrases and epithets such as "cheese-eating surrender monkey" written on his body in what appears to be magic marker.Reached at his home in Paris, Mr. Chirac said he took the unusual step of doffing his duds for Entertainment Weekly after losing a coin toss to French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin.While some in the State Department called Mr. Chirac's bid to win back American fans "desperate," the French President defended his decision: "It's not about the nakedness. It's about clothes getting in the way of labels."A spokesman for the French President later acknowledged that Mr. Chirac had no idea what that statement meant.Secretary of State Colin Powell, who just last week said that the French would be ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Asks Raelians To Clone Tony Blair

    In a rare appearance on NBC's "Meet the Press" on Sunday, Vice President Dick Cheney disclosed that the White House has enlisted Clonaid, the cloning concern run by the controversial Raelians cult, to create "as many as a dozen" clones of British Prime Minister Tony Blair.The vice president revealed that the decision to approach Clonaid was made during a late-night brainstorming session at the White House in which the President reportedly said, "I wish we had nine Tony Blairs."Picking up on the President's off-handed remark, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice replied, "Mr. President, we have the technology."Mr. Cheney said the White House opted to clone Mr. Blair after they realized they had only two real choices in the current diplomatic standoff over Iraq: "Either get more allies to agree with us, or clone the one ally who does."Although the Vice President refused to be specific about where the new Tony Blairs were being cloned, sources close to the procedure say that the...
  • The Borowitz Report: France Withdraws Support From Jerry Lewis

    In a sign of the deepening rift between France and the United States, France today announced that it was withdrawing its support from the actor-comedian Jerry Lewis."As a nation, from this day forth we will no longer consider Jerry Lewis a comic genius," said French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin. "Nor will we be pressured into thinking he is funny."For years, France had isolated itself by being the only country in NATO to hail such Lewis films as "The Nutty Professor" and "The Bellboy," as sublime achievements of a brilliant comic mind.But by withdrawing its support from Jerry Lewis now, the nation that has long sustained the reputation not only of Lewis but also of the unshaven American actor Mickey Rourke is sending a strong signal that it will no longer be seduced by America's dubious cultural icons."If I were Madonna I would be very, very concerned right now," said Henri Broyard, an observer of the French cultural scene.At the White House, aides to President Bush were...
  • The Borowitz Report: Code Yellow

    Just days after the Department of Homeland Security reduced the nation's terror alert status from orange to yellow, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge urged all Americans to stock up on Scotch tape rather than duct tape and to immediately destroy half the amount of water and food they keep in their homes."Under code yellow, sealing a room in your house with Scotch tape will do the trick," Ridge said. "And if you run out of tape before you're done, don't lose any sleep over it."Ridge also gave a complete list of tobacco and alcohol guidelines for Code Yellow, urging Americans to cut back to two packs of cigarettes a day and one 40-ounce can of malt liquor before lunch.In addition, Ridge said, Americans who have been irritably snapping at their spouses during Code Orange may now merely give them dirty looks and subject them to long, stony silences.While the government said that the reduction in terror-alert status came about because of a reduction in terrorist chatter in recent...
  • The Borowitz Report: No Conflict Of Interest

    A potentially embarrassing bombshell hit the Bush administration today as it was revealed that Vice President Dick Cheney controls a company that has virtually cornered the world market in duct tape and plastic sheeting.The business, GloboWrapCorp, currently sells between 97 and 98 percent of all of the duct tape and plastic sheeting in the world, according to estimates. While Cheney's ties to the oil-services company Halliburton raised some eyebrows during the 2000 campaign, his investment in GloboWrapCorp has gone almost entirely unnoticed.But with recent calls from government officials urging the public to stock up on these materials, lawmakers on Capitol Hill today raised pointed questions about Cheney's control of what amounts to a global duct-tape/plastic-sheeting monopoly."According to information provided to me, almost every dollar spent on these supplies goes directly into Dick Cheney's pocket," said Democratic leader Tom Daschle. "If that's not a conflict of interest, then...
  • The Borowitz Report: Did Jacko Have Plastic Surgery?

    At the United Nations today, U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell offered what he called "conclusive proof" that the singer Michael Jackson has had plastic surgery--but failed to convince France.In his presentation, Powell first showed two photos of Jackson, taken in 1979 and 2003, to illustrate the dramatic transformation of the singer's face from human to Halloween mask.As Security Council members watched intently, Powell then played a tape of a recent court appearance by Jackson, during which the tip of his nose appeared to fall from his face and onto the floor.Finally, Powell played a tape of the ABC program "20/20" in which Jackson admitted he had plastic surgery, after which a visibly frustrated Powell turned to the ambassador from France and said, "How much more proof do you clowns need?"While the French ambassador did not respond, impassively sipping on a glass of red wine and reading a book by Camus, French President Jacques Chirac had harsh words for Powell later in the...
  • The Borowitz Report: Kim Jung Il Is Urged To Lose Sunglasses

    A delegation of diplomats from South Korea paid a visit to North Korean President Kim Jung Il today to ask Kim to stop wearing his scary-looking sunglasses, which have "unnecessarily added to the tensions in the Korean peninsula," the diplomats said.While Kim's statements about North Korea's nuclear weapons programs have been frightening enough, the diplomats said, they have been made "all the scarier" by virtue of the creepy-looking shades Kim was wearing while saying them."We would welcome constructive discussions with the North, but only after he takes off those glasses," one South Korean official said today. "They are really creeping us out."But in Pyongyang, a government spokesman expressed "surprise and dismay" that the South Koreans were spooked by the North Korean president's seemingly evil sunglasses."Kim Jung Il did not intend to scare anyone with his sunglasses," the representative said. "He meant them only to be cool-looking."A delegation from North Korea expects to meet...
  • The Borowitz Report: Saddam: Chemical Weapons Were Used To Research Movie Role

    Minutes after United Nations weapons-inspection spokesman Hiro Ueki announced that inspectors had found empty chemical weapon warheads while searching a storage area in Iraq, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein came forward to explain that he had used the warheads merely to do research for a role in an upcoming movie. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Take Me Seriously, Says Raelian Leader

    Taking a bold step to improve the credibility of his organization and its attempts to clone a human being, the leader of the religious group known as The Raelians today announced that he was removing the hair knot that sits atop his head. ...
  • The Borowitz Report

    As the holiday season heads into high gear, a new scientific study released today appears to confirm what many scientists have suspected for years: that in-laws make no significant contribution to the survival or betterment of the human species.The study, authored by Dr. William Haggerty of the University of Minnesota, studied the behavior of more than 1,000 in-laws during a period of 10 holiday seasons and found that the in-laws--or "pseudorelatives" as the study calls them--served no positive purpose whatsoever."Based on our data, in-laws spend most of the holidays freeloading, eating excessively and drinking up the contents of their hosts' liquor cabinets," Haggerty said.In exchange for their boorish behavior, the study noted, the irritating pseudorelatives usually offer nothing but "extremely inexpensive gifts that they picked up at the last second at the cash register at CVS."While some members of the scientific community questioned the timing of the study's release--coinciding...
  • The Borowitz Report: Coalition Forms To Stop Hugh Grant

    A broad-based coalition took action today in the United Nations to pass a strongly worded resolution prohibiting British actor Hugh Grant from appearing in any more lame romantic comedies.President Paul Biya of the Republic of Cameroon spearheaded the resolution, believed to be the first against a film actor since the world body's inception. Biya, speaking to the U.N. General Assembly, received thunderous ovations when he unleashed harsh rhetoric aimed at Grant, a once-appealing actor whose hammy stammering has become an irritating hallmark of recent Hollywood vehicles in which he has starred."Hugh Grant must be stopped," Biya told the General Assembly. "We hope that he will stop himself, but we are resolved to use force to stop him if necessary."But putting a halt to Grant--even as Cameroon rallies the support of most of the nations of the world to do so--may present grim challenges, warns Professor Ernest Bronson of the University of Minnesota."Hammy British actors have proven to...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Forces U.S. Economy To Resign

    President George W. Bush moved decisively today to stem the recent tide of bad economic news by demanding that the U.S. economy resign, effective immediately.Mr. Bush demanded that the economy call it quits in a closed-door meeting with the economy in the Oval Office late last night."It's no secret that the President and the economy haven't been on the same page for some time now," one source close to Mr. Bush said. "I think the President finally decided it was time to say, 'It's my way or the highway'."White House aides had been saying privately in recent weeks that the President was "furious" at the economy for producing rising unemployment numbers and other gloomy statistics that could prove damaging to the Bush administration."As far as the President was concerned, the economy wasn't a team player," one aide said.Stock market futures plunged on the news that the U.S. economy had been forced to quit, as investors expressed anxiety about which economy Mr. Bush might ultimately...
  • The Borowitz Report: Enough Cooperation Already

    After praising his Iraqi hosts for being "cooperative" with United Nations weapons inspectors, United Nations inspection chief Hans Blix reversed course today, saying that he now feared the Iraqis were being "too cooperative.""At first, I was pleased that they were giving us access to all of the sites on our list," Blix told reporters in Baghdad. "But now, unfortunately, they are showing us things that we didn't even want to look at." Blix said that he first detected the signs of "excessive Iraqi cooperation" last Friday, when inspectors completed their walkthrough of an animal-vaccine factory and their host refused to let them leave. "He was like, 'Wait, you haven't seen pictures from my trip to Spain yet'," Blix said.The Iraqi representative then insisted that they sit down and look at his photo album, as well as several lengthy home videos of a camping trip in Greece, Blix said.Observers worried that the Iraqis may be try to make the inspectors' eyes glaze over, rendering them...