Andy Borowitz

Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • The Borowitz Report: Increasingly, Aliens Create Half-Baked Crop Circles

    In M. Night Shyamalan's new hit movie "Signs," Mel Gibson sees a crop circle suddenly appear in the cornfield behind his shingled farmhouse, igniting a supernatural mystery.But to most American farmers, crop circles are becoming a major annoyance, as lazy, careless aliens increasingly leave their cornfields without completing an attractive design--making the farmers wish the little green slackers had never landed in the first place."Some might call what I've got in my cornfield back there a crop circle," says Bud Fortenson, a farmer in eastern Idaho. "I call it a big old mess."Aliens landed in Fortenson's cornfield last June and began creating what the farmer thought would be a "really neat" crop circle, Fortenson said. But after two weeks of working on the crop circle, the aliens got bored with their work, complained that their backs hurt, and abruptly departed--leaving Fortenson's cornfield severely mutilated, a far cry from a completed crop circle."It looks like a guy just got...
  • The Borowitz Report: Qwest Admits Spelling Errors

    Delivering yet another blow to the already battered telecom sector, Qwest Communications announced today that in addition to accounting errors it had discovered "major spelling errors in our financial statements for the last three qwarters."A spokesman for Qwest said that the telecom giant hoped to resolve the spelling issues "qwickly."Stock in Qwest plummeted on the news of the company's spelling problems, with investors fearing that the company may have other unpleasant spelling news in the offing."Frankly, the revelation that 'Qwest' should be spelled with a 'u' instead of a 'w' is the last thing this stock needed," said securities analyst Zach Brannigan of Credit Suisse First Boston. "I'm seeing a lot of movement out of Qwest and into Qualcomm, a company that doesn't appear to have any spelling problems."At the White House, President Bush issued a characteristically stern press release about the misspellings: "The top executives at Qwest should answer some tough qwestions, or...
  • The Borowitz Report: Ashcroft Urges All Americans To Snoop On Their Neighbors

    Saying that "now is the time for all good Americans to snoop on their neighbors," Attorney General John Ashcroft today unveiled what he called a "helpful home-spying checklist" as part of the Justice Department's Operation TIPS (Terrorism Information and Prevention System):1. Go through your neighbor's garbage, looking for suspicious foreign food containers. Good foreign food: pizza, chop suey, fish and chips. Bad foreign food: everything else. Hard to tell: French food.2. Put on a fake mustache and wig, ring your neighbor's doorbell, and tell him that you are collecting signatures for a petition to insert the words "under God" into "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." If he refuses, contact the Department of Justice immediately.3. When your neighbor isn't looking, attach a miniature Geiger counter to his poodle. When the dog runs into the house, put your ear against the door and wait for that distinctive ticking sound.4. Get outfitted in scuba gear and hide at the bottom of your neighbor...
  • The Borowitz Report: To Boost Markets, Bush Will Offer Insider Tips To All Americans

    With his recent speeches about the nation's economy getting lukewarm reviews on Wall Street and on Main Street, President Bush shifted course today, proposing a new program in which every citizen of the United States would receive an insider tip directly from him."Insider-trading is the fuel America needs to get our markets rolling again," Bush said today. "It is the goal of this administration to make every man, woman and child in the United States an inside trader by 2004."To implement his plan, Mr. Bush extended an invitation to the entire nation to join him and his family for a barbeque at the Bush compound in Kennebunkport, Maine on Labor Day weekend.With former President George Bush and former First Lady Barbara Bush on hand to flip burgers and mix Bloody Marys, Mr. Bush will be free to mingle and pass on insider tips to the 260 million Americans he hopes will show up.While Wall Street pros were impressed by the President's bold new proposal, they remained skeptical about its...
  • The Borowitz Report: Baseball To Alienate Remaining Fans

    Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced today that Major League Baseball is about to take a series of bold steps with the goal of alienating its remaining fans forever."At baseball stadiums across the country, it is too hard to find parking spots, and one must wait in long lines for beer and bathrooms," Selig said. "All of these problems have the same source: simply put, the sport has too many fans."As Selig's first step in his plan to reduce baseball's fan base, the commissioner declared all games to be played for the remainder of the 2002 season a tie."The score's tied, fans, so please, don't watch the game," Selig said. "Watch wrestling or NASCAR instead."In addition, the commissioner said, it would now take nine strikes to strike out a batter instead of the traditional three, a rule change aimed at making the average game six and a half hours long.These changes, along with the outlawing of home runs and stolen bases, should reduce baseball's popularity to the level of...
  • The Borowitz Report: Cia Using American Ceos To Infiltrate Al Qaeda

    The CIA acknowledged today that it has been employing disgraced CEOs of Fortune 500 companies to infiltrate Al Qaeda and that it expects the international terror group to collapse within weeks."We believe that the forces of evil have finally met their match," says a CIA spokesman.While the CIA would not identify which corporate sleazebags had been used in the highly sensitive operation, intelligence sources believe they were plucked from the ranks of Enron, Tyco, Xerox, WorldCom, Sotheby's and more than 90 other recently disgraced companies.The unidentified CEOs have reportedly been so successful in cooking Al Qaeda's books that the once-flush terror network is now $30 billion in debt and may have to sell its long-profitable terror training camps at fire-sale prices.In addition to the undercover CEO operation, the CIA is reportedly considering employing recently departed Vividness-Universal chief Jean-Marie Messier in a mission to force the terror group into several highly leveraged...
  • The Borowitz Report: Who's The Hottie?

    In what Wimbledon-watchers are calling the biggest upset in years, Serena Williams unseated Anna Kournikova today to become the world's sexiest female tennis player.Kournikova came to Wimbledon widely expected to retain her sexiness crown, but failed to beat back a strong challenge from Williams, who was "way sexier" than predicted, one observer said.Williams may have also benefited from Wimbledon's new format, instituted this year, which dispenses with tennis entirely in favor of lingerie and swimsuit competitions.In the finals, Kournikova and Williams faced off in a series of crop tops and thongs with billions of dollars of licensing money at stake.The final scores, based on total hits to the two tennis stars' Web sites, showed Williams the upset winner, but postings in the official Kournikova chatroom revealed that some fans took issue with the final rankings."NO WAY IS SERENA HOTTER THAN ANNA--ANNA ROCKS," said ANNAROCKS456, echoing the sentiments of many.While some tennis...
  • The Borowitz Report: Sharks Gear Up For Record Summer

    Just when you thought it wasn't safe to go back into the water, sharks are bankrolling a multimillion-dollar ad campaign to persuade you that it is."We had an amazing summer of 2001, and that was with little or no advertising," said one shark who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Once our new ads roll out, summer of 2002 is going to be awesome."Zach Steinmetz, the ad wizard responsible for the sharks' campaign, says that the commercials show swimmers frolicking in a beautiful blue ocean and feature the slogan, "Water: cool, refreshing and safer than ever."But Marjorie Lenz, who heads up an ad-watchdog group, is crying foul over the sharks' ads, which she claims are dangerously misleading."There's absolutely no mention of sharks anywhere in these ads," Ms. Lenz said. "In the interest of balance, there should be something that says, 'By the way, there are sharks in that cool, refreshing water, and they really like to bite your arms off."Steinmetz defends his ads from such criticism: ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Us? Home Wreckers?

    A storm of controversy swirled around the Cannes Film Festival today as an organization of sexy French dudes protested the American film "Unfaithful," saying that the Richard Gere-Diane Lane vehicle portrays steamy Gallic dreamboats in a negative light."We are, how you say, not amused," said Jean-Luc Framboise, the leader of the sexy French dudes protesting the adultery-themed release. Specifically, the sexy French dudes take issue with the portrayal of the steamy Gallic home wrecker in the film played by actor Olivier Martinez, who meets an unhappy fate at the hands of the irate husband played by Richard Gere."That sexy French dude, he should be hero of the film, no?" said an angry Framboise, who says he has personally wrecked over nine homes in this calendar year alone. "Instead, he is bashed over the head with snow globe."The sexy French dudes marched down the streets of Cannes wearing unbuttoned silk shirts with cigarettes drooping languidly from the corners of their mouths,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Universal Music Group Acquires Mariah Carey, Brooklyn Bridge

    The Universal Music Group, fresh from sealing a multi-year pact with singer Mariah Carey, announced today that it has entered into an agreement to acquire the Brooklyn Bridge."We are absolutely thrilled to be in business with the Brooklyn Bridge, one of America's all-time awesome bridges," said Sandy Benson, a senior V.P. with Universal. "We're totally stoked about restoring this bodacious bridge to its former glory."In a separate deal, Universal has come to terms with the owner of a small pouch of shiny trinkets and beads, in an acquisition some industry insiders have priced at $70 million."These shiny trinkets and beads are in a class by themselves," Mr. Benson said, holding some of the beads in his palm to show reporters. "To say that we are stoked about owning these awesome baubles would be the understatement of this or any century."Music industry observers, while bullish on Universal's aggressive moves to acquire the Brooklyn Bridge as well as the shiny trinkets and beads,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Pakistan's Leader Runs Negative Ads Against Himself

    In the wake of criticism that last week's Pakistani "referendum" fell somewhat short of a truly democratic election, Pakistani leader President Pervez Musharraf demonstrated a new commitment to democracy this week by airing a slew of mean, negative campaign ads attacking himself.A typical anti-Musharraf spot, devised by Musharraf himself, shows the Pakistani leader's head superimposed on the body of a dead flounder."They say that a fish stinks from the head," the narrator says. "Something's fishy in Pakistan-isn't it, General Musharraf?"The spot ends with Musharraf's own voice, saying, "Paid for by the friends of President Pervez Musharraf."Some critics charge that Musharraf's excoriation of himself in negative campaign ads is purely symbolic, but the Pakistani leader went out of his way to prove them wrong this week, challenging himself to a debate and openly taunting himself in public."Pervez Musharraf is afraid to debate me!" Musharraf roared at a rally of supporters in Karachi...
  • Robert Blake Investigators Order Lunch

    The Los Angeles police investigators working on the Robert Blake murder case have just ordered lunch, police sources say, culminating a yearlong effort to determine what sandwiches they wanted."We didn't want to just rush into it," one detective with the investigative team disclosed today. "We wanted to double-check the lunch order to make sure it was right."The LAPD has come under fire in the past, most notably during the O. J. Simpson murder trial, for making lunch orders that were sloppy or incomplete.As a result, when sandwich orders arrived from nearby delis, there was often not enough to feed the entire team of detectives, or the sandwiches arrived with insufficient mustard or mayonnaise."We were determined not to make those mistakes this time around," the detective said. "When those sandwiches get here, people are going to see that all the time we took with this order paid off, big-time."But Louis Grasso, a defense attorney familiar with the LAPD's lunch order, has his doubts...
  • The Borowitz Report: Segway Creator Invents 'Round Thingy'

    Inventor Dean Kamen, who just six months ago created the Segway-a scooter unlike any scooter the world had ever seen-has done it again, this time inventing a "round thingy" that will revolutionize transportation.Sources close to Kamen say that the round thingy-so shrouded in secrecy that it is referred to in its patent filing only as "the round thingy"-could be attached by means of an axle to other round thingies for use on cars, buses, trucks and other vehicles."When people see Dean's round thingy in action, it is absolutely going to rock their world," one associate of Mr. Kamen said.Critics of Kamen, however, were more skeptical of the Kamen camp's claims for its amazing new round thingy."Dean Kamen isn't the only person in the world who's been trying to develop a round thingy," said Dr. Louis Peverall of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "The question is whether his round thingy will succeed where so many other round thingies have failed."Mr. Kamen, unfazed by the...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bin Laden To Appear On 'Where Are They Now?'

    VH1 may have a ratings bonanza on its hands, capturing al Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden and former Taliban honcho Mullah Omar on tape for its popular "Where Are They Now?" program.The episode, to be aired in the upcoming May "sweeps" period, shows Mullah Omar living in a mud hut outside of Kabul, trying to reinvent himself as a painter and a handbag designer.Omar, seen creating a psychedelic canvas much in the style of the 60's artist Peter Max, blames his business manager for the Taliban's collapse, but says he is excited about this new phase of his life."Right now, I'm just spending each day trying to find out who this cat named Mullah Omar really is," Omar says.The segment with Osama bin Laden, taped in his underground cave outside Tora Bora, offers even more surprises.Bin Laden is seen as an exasperated, befuddled family man, trying to cope with a cave overcrowded with wives, squabbling teenage children and a menagerie of incontinent pets.The bin Laden family seems uninhibited...
  • The Borowitz Report: Woody Allen Sightings Up Sharply In 2002

    After years of cementing his reputation as filmdom's most reclusive director, suddenly Woody Allen is everywhere--and experts are at a loss to explain why.Allen's surprise appearances at this year's Academy Awards and Cannes Film Festival are merely two examples of a puzzling trend, Allen experts say, with more than 837 documented Woody Allen sightings in the calendar year so far.While Woody Allen sightings have long been the stuff of urban legend, many have recently occurred in rural areas as well, further baffling Woody Allen experts such as Dr. Adrian Keough of the University of Minnesota. "It's not like Woody to show up in areas where there's no easy access to psychiatrists or Gershwin recordings," Dr. Keough says. "What's happening here is completely off the grid."Case in point: Frank Hargus, a farmer in Ruxton, Kans., said he spotted "a short, skinny guy with glasses who answered to the name Woody Allen" walking across his cornfields at dusk on Tuesday of last week.Allen...
  • The Borowitz Report: An Early End To Baseball?

    With the new baseball season barely underway, major-league players went on strike today over what some observers are calling the most divisive issue to hit the game in years: the right to be paid extra for running to first base."For years, baseball players have been running to first base for free--and we're fed up," said players' rep Ted Cooley in a press briefing in Anaheim, Calif., on Tuesday."It is high time that the owners stop treating us like indentured servants and start treating us like the entitled millionaires that we are," Cooley said.Under the formula presented by the players' union, a team member would receive $1,000 extra for running to first base, $5,000 for running to second, $10,000 for running to third, and $25,000 for running home.In addition, ATM machines would be posted at all four bases so that players could receive their base-running payments in a timely fashion.Predictably, the owners responded to the players' latest demands with howls of protest. "If the...
  • The Borowitz Report: Rockers Rap On Social Security

    In a sign that he intends to step up his day-to-day involvement in the workings of the federal government, Irish rocker Bono delivered a 1,062-page plan to Congress today. His aim: to insure the Social Security program's solvency through fiscal year 2050.But Bono gave a sneak preview one night earlier, interrupting a U2 concert at London's Wembley Stadium to explain his proposal. "In 2000, the Social Security system took in $568 billion and paid out $415 billion," Bono told the standing-room-only crowd in a 45-minute presentation complete with pie charts and bar graphs."But some privatization of the program will be necessary to insure its solvency when the so-called baby boom generation retires," said Bono, who coauthored the proposal with U2 guitarist The Edge.While Bono's plan is garnering high marks on both sides of the aisle in Congress, it faces stiff opposition from one quarter: Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, who excoriated Bono's proposal at an Aerosmith concert in Foxboro,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Is There A Has-Been Shortage?

    Last week's "Fox Celebrity Boxing" special featuring Tonya Harding and Paula Jones, combined with Liza Minnelli's showbiz-oddity-studded wedding, may have placed a dangerous strain on America's supply of unexploited has-beens, experts warn.As a result of both heavily hyped events occurring in the same week, the nation may now be facing a serious has-been shortage for the first time in its history."People thought that our supply of has-beens from such old TV series as 'The Brady Bunch' and 'The Partridge Family' would last forever," says Professor David Bagwell of the University of Missouri. "We're now learning that this is most definitely not the case."America, with its annual influx of failed sitcoms, bomb movies, and one-hit recording artists, has long been seen as a dependable supplier of showbiz castoffs and freaks. But the rising popularity in recent years of such programs as VH1's "Behind the Music" and "Where Are They Now?" has taken the nation's has-been reserves down to...
  • The Borowitz Report: Gore Loses Bid To Run 'Shadow Government'

    Just days after it was revealed that there is a "shadow government" in place underground somewhere outside of Washington, D.C., former Vice President Al Gore was trounced in his bid to become president of it.Subterranean voters gave the former vice-president a scant 38 percent of the vote, with 59 percent going to Buford T. Bush, an amateur motocross competitor and a distant cousin of President George W. Bush.Mr. Gore had campaigned aggressively for the job of Shadow President, which may have been part of the problem, underground voters said."If you think he's irritating when he's above ground, you should see what it's like being trapped in a subterranean tunnel with him," one voter said today. "You want to jump out a window, only there aren't any."Pulling out all the stops in his fruitless campaign for Shadow President, Mr. Gore not only shaved off his infamous hippie-like beard, but also shaved his head, hoping that his new, smoother appearance might appeal to voters. But no such...
  • The Borowitz Report: Dennis Miller Takes Obscure Parting Shot At Abc

    Comedian Dennis Miller, fired from ABC's "Monday Night Football" last week, lashed out at ABC Sports today in a blistering tirade packed with obscure literary and pop-culture references that may take his former bosses years to decipher."Hey, you guys pulled a Pete Best on me," Miller told the executives at ABC Sports. "Well, you don't need to show me the exit. Who am I, Jean Paul Sartre?"The ABC executives begged Miller to slow down so that they could look up some of the items contained in the often-baffling comedian's trademark "rant," but Miller, seemingly undeterred, soldiered on in the same arcane vein."When I heard you were replacing me with Madden, I was like, isn't that the guy who played Reuben Kincaid on 'The Partridge Family'?" Miller said, in an apparent reference to football announcer John Madden and former sitcom star Dave Madden.It is believed that only three or four people in North America, excluding Miller himself, are sufficiently aware of both Maddens in order to...
  • The Borowitz Report: Worthless Paper

    For weeks, Enron shareholders have been hearing that their stock isn't worth the paper it's printed on. Now comes word that the paper it's printed on is worthless, too. ...
  • U.S. Considers Military Action To Remove Skating Judges

    Reacting to the outrageous awarding of the Olympic gold medal to a pair of Russian figure skaters over a more deserving Canadian pair Monday night, President Bush said today that the United States would not rule out military action to remove the figure-skating judges involved. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Ken Lay's Wish: To Be A 'Real Boy'

    As the congressional probe of the Enron case continues, embattled former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay surprised Justice Department officials today by saying that he was not looking for an immunity deal but instead wanted to become "a real boy" as soon as possible. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Tyson To Fight Himself In Japan

    With Nevada boxing officials refusing to sanction a proposed bout between "Iron" Mike Tyson and heavyweight Lennox Lewis, Tyson today signed a lucrative deal to fight himself in Kyoto, Japan later this month. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: White House Downplays Veep's Influence Over Seasons

    Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from his secure, undisclosed location to make the rounds of the morning news programs this Sunday, but then immediately returned to his hiding place-indicating that America may be in for six more weeks of winter, according to experts. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Tony Blair Plays Peacemaker

    Fresh from his diplomatic mission in India, British Prime Minister Tony Blair jetted to Los Angeles over the weekend, hoping to calm what he termed "the dangerously simmering tensions" between the world's two most popular boy-bands, 'N Sync and The Backstreet Boys. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Ashcroft Detains Santa Claus

    He's making a list, he's checking it twice, and he may be brought before a military tribunal.That was the word from Attorney General John Ashcroft late Monday night as he announced that a man identified as Santa Claus was arrested on Christmas Eve as he attempted to cross into the United States from Canada.Claus, along with several elves, was wrapped up in a wide-ranging FBI sweep and would be detained "indefinitely," Ashcroft said.The attorney general, who said that Claus attempted to enter the country on a long-expired student visa, declined to divulge the identities of the elves."I don't want to give out any information at this time that may be helpful to our enemies," Ashcroft said. "There may be other elves still at large."While President Bush and members of Congress praised the arrest and detention of Santa Claus, others, most notably the American Civil Liberties Union, cried foul."Clearly, Mr. Claus was picked up by the FBI because he is a foreigner with a beard," said Kevin...
  • The Borowitz Report: Letting The Dogs Out

    No more Mr. Nice Guy.That seems to be the message the Pentagon is determined to send to Osama bin Laden. After weeks of pounding the Al Quaeda kingpin's cave network in Tora Bora with carpet bombs, "daisy cutters" and the like, the United States is sending in their biggest guns so far: a crack team of bottle-throwing Cleveland Browns fans."We've never seen a fiercer, more frightening band of warriors," said Colonel Clive Holden, a British commando force leader who is coordinating the Browns fans' war effort. "They're jolly good."The Browns fans were picked up by a U.S. Army transport plane immediately following the Browns' controversial loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars this past Sunday, in which bottle-hurling "Dawg Pound" denizens, as the fearsome Browns fans are known, delayed the game by trashing the stadium.Within twenty-four hours, the irate Clevelanders were dropped into the Tora Bora region, with one clear mission: Go crazy on Osama.In order to motivate the Dawg Pound...
  • The Borowitz Report: Ridge Issues Warning On J. Lo Marriage Crisis

    One week after supermarket tabloid headlines warned of a "J. Lo Marriage Crisis," Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge issued a new warning to all Americans, indicating that there was a "credible threat" to Jennifer Lopez's marriage."Make no mistake, the J. Lo Marriage Crisis is real," Ridge announced in a Washington press briefing. "We want all Americans to be on a heightened state of alert for any and all threats to Jennifer Lopez's marriage."Ridge would not specify the exact nature of the threat to the singer-actress's marriage, but said that the J. Lo Marriage Crisis could deepen in the next ten to 14 days."If any Americans have any information regarding the J. Lo Marriage Crisis, we are urging them to come forward now," Ridge said, adding that the F.B.I. was establishing a J. Lo Marriage Crisis hotline.Around the world, news of the J. Lo Marriage Crisis spread quickly, with allies offering their support to shore up Lopez's reportedly shaky matrimonial bond.The most vocal and...