Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • The Borowitz Report: Eminem Enters Anger-Replenishment Program

    Eminem, the rapper whose angry, misogynist rants helped catapult him to the top of the pop charts, has entered a so-called anger-replenishment program after advisers to the rapper had noticed worrisome signs of nonangry behavior by the platinum-selling artist. "As he becomes embraced by the mainstream, it's getting harder and harder for Eminem to find things to be annoyed about," said Irv Faustino, the rapper's accountant. "As his financial adviser, I'm frankly concerned."According to Faustino, Eminem was involved in a fender bender in Detroit recently after which he calmly rolled down his window and called out to the other driver, "My bad."And in an incident that further confirmed his advisers' darkest fears, last week the rapper was heard whistling along to a commercial jingle by electronic musician Moby, who had previously been the target of the rapper's most eviscerating scorn.Music industry insiders said that the erstwhile pariah's outlaw status began to evaporate during his...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Insists On Tough New Year's Resolutions From Saddam

    Turning up the heat on Saddam Hussein once more, President George W. Bush demanded today that the United Nations approve a list of tough New Year's resolutions for the Iraqi strongman.Bush is insisting that Saddam resolve to stop smoking "cold turkey" as of midnight, Dec. 31.In addition, Saddam must stop eating his favorite between-meals treat, Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies, and must shed 20 pounds by Feb. 1. "We are giving the evildoer one last chance," Bush said at the White House today. "He can either stop smoking and lose that spare tire around his gut or face serious consequences."To enforce the tough New Year's resolutions, the United Nations would send a team of ashtray inspectors to Baghdad to guarantee that Saddam is not sneaking an occasional smoke in violation of the U.N. rules.In addition, Bush says he would travel to Baghdad once a week for an official weigh-in of the Iraqi dictator, during which Bush and a team of U.N. inspectors would witness Saddam stepping on a...
  • The Borowitz Report: Saddam Unimpressed By Gop Margin Of Victory

    Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein attempted to pour cold water on the GOP election victories last night, claiming that the Republicans' margin of victory fell far short of the 100 percent necessary to be considered a true mandate."The Republicans are all crowing about what a big win this was for Bush," Saddam told reporters in Baghdad. "One hundred percent--now, that's big. These numbers are pathetic."Saddam singled out Gov. Jeb Bush's "squeaker" of a victory in Florida as a serious blow to brother George W. Bush's prestige."Jeb's victory margin was, what, 13 percent?" Saddam said. "Ouch! Last time I counted, that's nowhere near 100 percent."The Iraqi strongman said that the Republicans' retaking of control in the U.S. Senate was nothing to brag about, either, since they failed to take all 100 seats."What's with all the champagne popping?" Saddam asked. "If I woke up after an election and saw that I only had the Senate by a seat or two, I'd get out of town!"Saddam added that the GOP's...
  • The Borowitz Report: Democrats Fight To Retain Control Of Senate's Rubber Stamp

    As the days until the midterm elections dwindle, Democratic leaders fanned out across the country to remind the party faithful of what is at stake: the right to rubber-stamp anything the president wants to do."Your votes have never been more important," Majority Leader Tom Daschle exhorted at a Democratic rally in Springfield, Ill., today. "Only you can decide whether Democrats continue to rubber-stamp the president's policies or whether the Republicans get to do it."With national polls showing Democrats and Republicans in a dead heat, control of the Senate's coveted rubber stamp is hanging in the balance, political observers say."The key question is, with so many problems facing the country right now, whom do the voters trust more with the Senate's rubber stamp?" asks Dr. Irvin Koontz of the Brookings Institution.Koontz points to a recent survey that asked likely voters the question, "Which party do you think is better equipped to approve all of the president's proposals, Democrats...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Accuses Iraq Of Hiding Nukes In North Korea

    In a bombshell with serious ramifications for U.S. foreign policy, President Bush today accused Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein of hiding nuclear weapons in North Korea.While the president offered no hard evidence to back up his startling claim, he insisted that the so-called secret North Korean nuclear weapons program was actually a secret Iraqi nuclear weapons program.He went on to quote intelligence reports suggesting that Saddam Hussein had sent the weapons to North Korea in big wooden crates stamped with the logo of Harry & David's, a popular food-by-mail gift service, to avoid interdiction en route."This may be the evilest thing this doer of evil has ever done," Bush said.Bush's stunning revelations may have been meant to deflect criticism of the administration's policy of being mean to Iraq but not quite so mean to North Korea.But North Korea complicated that effort somewhat by announcing later in the day that the weapons were in fact their own and did not come from Iraq,...
  • The Borowitz Report: O.J. No Longer '100 Percent Sure' He Is Innocent

    Days after former O. J. Simpson defense attorney Johnnie Cochran said on MSNBC that he is "about 90 percent" certain that his client was innocent, Mr. Simpson today said that his attorney had planted "fresh seeds of doubt" in his own mind."For years, I've been pretty sure that I did not murder my wife," Simpson said today at a golf course in Boca Raton, Fla., where he was taking a rare break from searching for the real killers of his wife. "But if Johnnie's not 100 percent sure, I'm like, hey, maybe I better take another look at this." Simpson added that it would be "crazy" not to be swayed by Cochran's new statements, which he called "thought provoking.""Look, you're talking about a guy, Johnnie Cochran, who is a pretty smart guy," Simpson said. "If he said maybe I did it, then maybe I did it."Cochran's doubts about Simpson's innocence may help resolve one lingering mystery for the former Heisman Trophy winner: why it has been so difficult for him to find his wife's real killers,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Weapons Inspections To Begin

    United Nations weapons inspectors have informed Iraq that they will be arriving to look for weapons of mass destruction sometime between 8 a.m. and 12 noon today and have asked if someone will be home to let them in. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Saddam Pulls Plug On Cbs's 'Survivor: Baghdad'

    In an abrupt about-face reminiscent of his expulsion of United Nations weapons inspectors, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein today kicked out a team of CBS production personnel who were readying the network's upcoming "Survivor: Baghdad" series.Saddam-watchers were surprised by the move, especially since it comes at a time when the Iraqi dictator is attempting to court world opinion. "Nobody needs a hit TV show right now more than Saddam Hussein," said Dr. David Hinton of the Brookings Institution.Hussein had reportedly been looking forward to filming the series and had spent grueling hours in the gym developing well-defined, rock-hard abs in order to look better with his shirt off.But just as the CBS production team was assembling a thatched hut adorned with Tiki torches for the series' "tribal council" segments, the Iraqi strongman apparently had a change of heart--leaving the network in search of another rogue nation to host the series."I've been speed-dialing every country in the...
  • The Borowitz Report: Cheney Urges Iraq To Reconsider Weapons Inspections

    Just minutes after the government of Iraq agreed to the unconditional return of United Nations weapons inspectors, Vice President Dick Cheney urged the Iraqis to reconsider their decision. "Let's not be too hasty about this," Cheney urged the Iraqi government. "You could be making a huge mistake here, guys."Cheney added that allowing weapons inspectors to return was a "big decision" and encouraged the Iraqis to "sleep on it." But hours after Cheney told he Iraqis to reconsider, Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein released an official statement of his own, leaving little doubt that he intended to stick with his decision. "Not only am I sure that I want the weapons inspectors to come back to Iraq," Saddam's statement read, "but I am totally stoked about it."A less enthusiastic response to Saddam's decision came from U.S. Army Gen. Tommy R. Franks, who had just moved his United States Central Command office from Florida to Qatar in preparation for military exercises in the Persian Gulf...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Permits Loggers To Chop Down Congress

    In a move seemingly designed to raise the hackles of environmentalists and congressmen alike, President Bush today authorized the logging industry to begin chopping down the Capitol building "immediately.""The capitol contains a high concentration of dead wood that represents an unacceptable fire hazard," said the president, speaking in front of a background adorned with the slogan LOGGING RULES!"Therefore, I urge the loggers of America to come to Washington, whip out their chainsaws and start chopping the old thing down," Bush said.Once the Capitol building has been completely razed, Bush's plans for the vacated site include a shopping mall complete with food court and 24-screen multiplex.While some in Congress howled at the president's unilateral decision to set loggers loose on the Capitol building, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said that the president was acting on the advice of the White House legal counsel."The president does not need the permission of Congress to...
  • The Borowitz Report: Shortage Of Economic Slogans

    America's supply of meaningless economic slogans, such as "Corporate Responsibility" and "Small Investors Retirement Security," has been drained almost dry in the past few weeks as President Bush made a series of banal speeches in the hopes of talking up the flagging economy.That is the message from senior White House aides, who say that America's slogan reserves were taxed to the breaking point last week at the President's Economic Forum at Baylor University in Waco, Texas."People seem to think that meaningless economic slogans are a renewable resource," one Bush aide said. "That is simply not the case."As the stock markets went into a free-fall this summer, President Bush was forced to make a series of meaningless cheerleading speeches in front of slogan-bedecked backgrounds, a decision that may have triggered the nation's current slogan shortage.Senior aides have been scrambling to develop new slogans, but much of their handiwork is instantly consigned to the dustbin, such as the...
  • The Borowitz Report: Increasingly, Aliens Create Half-Baked Crop Circles

    In M. Night Shyamalan's new hit movie "Signs," Mel Gibson sees a crop circle suddenly appear in the cornfield behind his shingled farmhouse, igniting a supernatural mystery.But to most American farmers, crop circles are becoming a major annoyance, as lazy, careless aliens increasingly leave their cornfields without completing an attractive design--making the farmers wish the little green slackers had never landed in the first place."Some might call what I've got in my cornfield back there a crop circle," says Bud Fortenson, a farmer in eastern Idaho. "I call it a big old mess."Aliens landed in Fortenson's cornfield last June and began creating what the farmer thought would be a "really neat" crop circle, Fortenson said. But after two weeks of working on the crop circle, the aliens got bored with their work, complained that their backs hurt, and abruptly departed--leaving Fortenson's cornfield severely mutilated, a far cry from a completed crop circle."It looks like a guy just got...
  • The Borowitz Report: Qwest Admits Spelling Errors

    Delivering yet another blow to the already battered telecom sector, Qwest Communications announced today that in addition to accounting errors it had discovered "major spelling errors in our financial statements for the last three qwarters."A spokesman for Qwest said that the telecom giant hoped to resolve the spelling issues "qwickly."Stock in Qwest plummeted on the news of the company's spelling problems, with investors fearing that the company may have other unpleasant spelling news in the offing."Frankly, the revelation that 'Qwest' should be spelled with a 'u' instead of a 'w' is the last thing this stock needed," said securities analyst Zach Brannigan of Credit Suisse First Boston. "I'm seeing a lot of movement out of Qwest and into Qualcomm, a company that doesn't appear to have any spelling problems."At the White House, President Bush issued a characteristically stern press release about the misspellings: "The top executives at Qwest should answer some tough qwestions, or...
  • The Borowitz Report: Ashcroft Urges All Americans To Snoop On Their Neighbors

    Saying that "now is the time for all good Americans to snoop on their neighbors," Attorney General John Ashcroft today unveiled what he called a "helpful home-spying checklist" as part of the Justice Department's Operation TIPS (Terrorism Information and Prevention System):1. Go through your neighbor's garbage, looking for suspicious foreign food containers. Good foreign food: pizza, chop suey, fish and chips. Bad foreign food: everything else. Hard to tell: French food.2. Put on a fake mustache and wig, ring your neighbor's doorbell, and tell him that you are collecting signatures for a petition to insert the words "under God" into "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." If he refuses, contact the Department of Justice immediately.3. When your neighbor isn't looking, attach a miniature Geiger counter to his poodle. When the dog runs into the house, put your ear against the door and wait for that distinctive ticking sound.4. Get outfitted in scuba gear and hide at the bottom of your neighbor...
  • The Borowitz Report: To Boost Markets, Bush Will Offer Insider Tips To All Americans

    With his recent speeches about the nation's economy getting lukewarm reviews on Wall Street and on Main Street, President Bush shifted course today, proposing a new program in which every citizen of the United States would receive an insider tip directly from him."Insider-trading is the fuel America needs to get our markets rolling again," Bush said today. "It is the goal of this administration to make every man, woman and child in the United States an inside trader by 2004."To implement his plan, Mr. Bush extended an invitation to the entire nation to join him and his family for a barbeque at the Bush compound in Kennebunkport, Maine on Labor Day weekend.With former President George Bush and former First Lady Barbara Bush on hand to flip burgers and mix Bloody Marys, Mr. Bush will be free to mingle and pass on insider tips to the 260 million Americans he hopes will show up.While Wall Street pros were impressed by the President's bold new proposal, they remained skeptical about its...
  • The Borowitz Report: Baseball To Alienate Remaining Fans

    Baseball commissioner Bud Selig announced today that Major League Baseball is about to take a series of bold steps with the goal of alienating its remaining fans forever."At baseball stadiums across the country, it is too hard to find parking spots, and one must wait in long lines for beer and bathrooms," Selig said. "All of these problems have the same source: simply put, the sport has too many fans."As Selig's first step in his plan to reduce baseball's fan base, the commissioner declared all games to be played for the remainder of the 2002 season a tie."The score's tied, fans, so please, don't watch the game," Selig said. "Watch wrestling or NASCAR instead."In addition, the commissioner said, it would now take nine strikes to strike out a batter instead of the traditional three, a rule change aimed at making the average game six and a half hours long.These changes, along with the outlawing of home runs and stolen bases, should reduce baseball's popularity to the level of...
  • The Borowitz Report: Cia Using American Ceos To Infiltrate Al Qaeda

    The CIA acknowledged today that it has been employing disgraced CEOs of Fortune 500 companies to infiltrate Al Qaeda and that it expects the international terror group to collapse within weeks."We believe that the forces of evil have finally met their match," says a CIA spokesman.While the CIA would not identify which corporate sleazebags had been used in the highly sensitive operation, intelligence sources believe they were plucked from the ranks of Enron, Tyco, Xerox, WorldCom, Sotheby's and more than 90 other recently disgraced companies.The unidentified CEOs have reportedly been so successful in cooking Al Qaeda's books that the once-flush terror network is now $30 billion in debt and may have to sell its long-profitable terror training camps at fire-sale prices.In addition to the undercover CEO operation, the CIA is reportedly considering employing recently departed Vividness-Universal chief Jean-Marie Messier in a mission to force the terror group into several highly leveraged...
  • The Borowitz Report: Who's The Hottie?

    In what Wimbledon-watchers are calling the biggest upset in years, Serena Williams unseated Anna Kournikova today to become the world's sexiest female tennis player.Kournikova came to Wimbledon widely expected to retain her sexiness crown, but failed to beat back a strong challenge from Williams, who was "way sexier" than predicted, one observer said.Williams may have also benefited from Wimbledon's new format, instituted this year, which dispenses with tennis entirely in favor of lingerie and swimsuit competitions.In the finals, Kournikova and Williams faced off in a series of crop tops and thongs with billions of dollars of licensing money at stake.The final scores, based on total hits to the two tennis stars' Web sites, showed Williams the upset winner, but postings in the official Kournikova chatroom revealed that some fans took issue with the final rankings."NO WAY IS SERENA HOTTER THAN ANNA--ANNA ROCKS," said ANNAROCKS456, echoing the sentiments of many.While some tennis...
  • The Borowitz Report: Sharks Gear Up For Record Summer

    Just when you thought it wasn't safe to go back into the water, sharks are bankrolling a multimillion-dollar ad campaign to persuade you that it is."We had an amazing summer of 2001, and that was with little or no advertising," said one shark who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Once our new ads roll out, summer of 2002 is going to be awesome."Zach Steinmetz, the ad wizard responsible for the sharks' campaign, says that the commercials show swimmers frolicking in a beautiful blue ocean and feature the slogan, "Water: cool, refreshing and safer than ever."But Marjorie Lenz, who heads up an ad-watchdog group, is crying foul over the sharks' ads, which she claims are dangerously misleading."There's absolutely no mention of sharks anywhere in these ads," Ms. Lenz said. "In the interest of balance, there should be something that says, 'By the way, there are sharks in that cool, refreshing water, and they really like to bite your arms off."Steinmetz defends his ads from such criticism: ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Us? Home Wreckers?

    A storm of controversy swirled around the Cannes Film Festival today as an organization of sexy French dudes protested the American film "Unfaithful," saying that the Richard Gere-Diane Lane vehicle portrays steamy Gallic dreamboats in a negative light."We are, how you say, not amused," said Jean-Luc Framboise, the leader of the sexy French dudes protesting the adultery-themed release. Specifically, the sexy French dudes take issue with the portrayal of the steamy Gallic home wrecker in the film played by actor Olivier Martinez, who meets an unhappy fate at the hands of the irate husband played by Richard Gere."That sexy French dude, he should be hero of the film, no?" said an angry Framboise, who says he has personally wrecked over nine homes in this calendar year alone. "Instead, he is bashed over the head with snow globe."The sexy French dudes marched down the streets of Cannes wearing unbuttoned silk shirts with cigarettes drooping languidly from the corners of their mouths,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Universal Music Group Acquires Mariah Carey, Brooklyn Bridge

    The Universal Music Group, fresh from sealing a multi-year pact with singer Mariah Carey, announced today that it has entered into an agreement to acquire the Brooklyn Bridge."We are absolutely thrilled to be in business with the Brooklyn Bridge, one of America's all-time awesome bridges," said Sandy Benson, a senior V.P. with Universal. "We're totally stoked about restoring this bodacious bridge to its former glory."In a separate deal, Universal has come to terms with the owner of a small pouch of shiny trinkets and beads, in an acquisition some industry insiders have priced at $70 million."These shiny trinkets and beads are in a class by themselves," Mr. Benson said, holding some of the beads in his palm to show reporters. "To say that we are stoked about owning these awesome baubles would be the understatement of this or any century."Music industry observers, while bullish on Universal's aggressive moves to acquire the Brooklyn Bridge as well as the shiny trinkets and beads,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Pakistan's Leader Runs Negative Ads Against Himself

    In the wake of criticism that last week's Pakistani "referendum" fell somewhat short of a truly democratic election, Pakistani leader President Pervez Musharraf demonstrated a new commitment to democracy this week by airing a slew of mean, negative campaign ads attacking himself.A typical anti-Musharraf spot, devised by Musharraf himself, shows the Pakistani leader's head superimposed on the body of a dead flounder."They say that a fish stinks from the head," the narrator says. "Something's fishy in Pakistan-isn't it, General Musharraf?"The spot ends with Musharraf's own voice, saying, "Paid for by the friends of President Pervez Musharraf."Some critics charge that Musharraf's excoriation of himself in negative campaign ads is purely symbolic, but the Pakistani leader went out of his way to prove them wrong this week, challenging himself to a debate and openly taunting himself in public."Pervez Musharraf is afraid to debate me!" Musharraf roared at a rally of supporters in Karachi...
  • Robert Blake Investigators Order Lunch

    The Los Angeles police investigators working on the Robert Blake murder case have just ordered lunch, police sources say, culminating a yearlong effort to determine what sandwiches they wanted."We didn't want to just rush into it," one detective with the investigative team disclosed today. "We wanted to double-check the lunch order to make sure it was right."The LAPD has come under fire in the past, most notably during the O. J. Simpson murder trial, for making lunch orders that were sloppy or incomplete.As a result, when sandwich orders arrived from nearby delis, there was often not enough to feed the entire team of detectives, or the sandwiches arrived with insufficient mustard or mayonnaise."We were determined not to make those mistakes this time around," the detective said. "When those sandwiches get here, people are going to see that all the time we took with this order paid off, big-time."But Louis Grasso, a defense attorney familiar with the LAPD's lunch order, has his doubts...
  • The Borowitz Report: Segway Creator Invents 'Round Thingy'

    Inventor Dean Kamen, who just six months ago created the Segway-a scooter unlike any scooter the world had ever seen-has done it again, this time inventing a "round thingy" that will revolutionize transportation.Sources close to Kamen say that the round thingy-so shrouded in secrecy that it is referred to in its patent filing only as "the round thingy"-could be attached by means of an axle to other round thingies for use on cars, buses, trucks and other vehicles."When people see Dean's round thingy in action, it is absolutely going to rock their world," one associate of Mr. Kamen said.Critics of Kamen, however, were more skeptical of the Kamen camp's claims for its amazing new round thingy."Dean Kamen isn't the only person in the world who's been trying to develop a round thingy," said Dr. Louis Peverall of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "The question is whether his round thingy will succeed where so many other round thingies have failed."Mr. Kamen, unfazed by the...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bin Laden To Appear On 'Where Are They Now?'

    VH1 may have a ratings bonanza on its hands, capturing al Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden and former Taliban honcho Mullah Omar on tape for its popular "Where Are They Now?" program.The episode, to be aired in the upcoming May "sweeps" period, shows Mullah Omar living in a mud hut outside of Kabul, trying to reinvent himself as a painter and a handbag designer.Omar, seen creating a psychedelic canvas much in the style of the 60's artist Peter Max, blames his business manager for the Taliban's collapse, but says he is excited about this new phase of his life."Right now, I'm just spending each day trying to find out who this cat named Mullah Omar really is," Omar says.The segment with Osama bin Laden, taped in his underground cave outside Tora Bora, offers even more surprises.Bin Laden is seen as an exasperated, befuddled family man, trying to cope with a cave overcrowded with wives, squabbling teenage children and a menagerie of incontinent pets.The bin Laden family seems uninhibited...
  • The Borowitz Report: Woody Allen Sightings Up Sharply In 2002

    After years of cementing his reputation as filmdom's most reclusive director, suddenly Woody Allen is everywhere--and experts are at a loss to explain why.Allen's surprise appearances at this year's Academy Awards and Cannes Film Festival are merely two examples of a puzzling trend, Allen experts say, with more than 837 documented Woody Allen sightings in the calendar year so far.While Woody Allen sightings have long been the stuff of urban legend, many have recently occurred in rural areas as well, further baffling Woody Allen experts such as Dr. Adrian Keough of the University of Minnesota. "It's not like Woody to show up in areas where there's no easy access to psychiatrists or Gershwin recordings," Dr. Keough says. "What's happening here is completely off the grid."Case in point: Frank Hargus, a farmer in Ruxton, Kans., said he spotted "a short, skinny guy with glasses who answered to the name Woody Allen" walking across his cornfields at dusk on Tuesday of last week.Allen...
  • The Borowitz Report: An Early End To Baseball?

    With the new baseball season barely underway, major-league players went on strike today over what some observers are calling the most divisive issue to hit the game in years: the right to be paid extra for running to first base."For years, baseball players have been running to first base for free--and we're fed up," said players' rep Ted Cooley in a press briefing in Anaheim, Calif., on Tuesday."It is high time that the owners stop treating us like indentured servants and start treating us like the entitled millionaires that we are," Cooley said.Under the formula presented by the players' union, a team member would receive $1,000 extra for running to first base, $5,000 for running to second, $10,000 for running to third, and $25,000 for running home.In addition, ATM machines would be posted at all four bases so that players could receive their base-running payments in a timely fashion.Predictably, the owners responded to the players' latest demands with howls of protest. "If the...
  • The Borowitz Report: Rockers Rap On Social Security

    In a sign that he intends to step up his day-to-day involvement in the workings of the federal government, Irish rocker Bono delivered a 1,062-page plan to Congress today. His aim: to insure the Social Security program's solvency through fiscal year 2050.But Bono gave a sneak preview one night earlier, interrupting a U2 concert at London's Wembley Stadium to explain his proposal. "In 2000, the Social Security system took in $568 billion and paid out $415 billion," Bono told the standing-room-only crowd in a 45-minute presentation complete with pie charts and bar graphs."But some privatization of the program will be necessary to insure its solvency when the so-called baby boom generation retires," said Bono, who coauthored the proposal with U2 guitarist The Edge.While Bono's plan is garnering high marks on both sides of the aisle in Congress, it faces stiff opposition from one quarter: Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, who excoriated Bono's proposal at an Aerosmith concert in Foxboro,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Is There A Has-Been Shortage?

    Last week's "Fox Celebrity Boxing" special featuring Tonya Harding and Paula Jones, combined with Liza Minnelli's showbiz-oddity-studded wedding, may have placed a dangerous strain on America's supply of unexploited has-beens, experts warn.As a result of both heavily hyped events occurring in the same week, the nation may now be facing a serious has-been shortage for the first time in its history."People thought that our supply of has-beens from such old TV series as 'The Brady Bunch' and 'The Partridge Family' would last forever," says Professor David Bagwell of the University of Missouri. "We're now learning that this is most definitely not the case."America, with its annual influx of failed sitcoms, bomb movies, and one-hit recording artists, has long been seen as a dependable supplier of showbiz castoffs and freaks. But the rising popularity in recent years of such programs as VH1's "Behind the Music" and "Where Are They Now?" has taken the nation's has-been reserves down to...