Andy Borowitz

Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • The Borowitz Report: Bin Laden Releases New Video, Dance Single

    Osama bin Laden, on the run from U.S. Special Operations Forces in Afghanistan, has fired what some observers believe may be his final salvo in the propaganda war: a new video and dance single.The song, an upbeat, hip-hop-tinged track called "Party With Me," got an instant thumbs-down from the top brass at CNN, who decided not to air the video. "We refuse to offer our network as a platform for Mr. bin Laden to get 'jiggy,' as I believe the youngsters say nowadays," a CNN executive told reporters.The Al Quaeda leader's single also received a tepid reaction on MTV, where it stalled at No. 27 on "Total Request Live." "I found it kind of derivative," says TRL" host Carson Daly. "The first time I heard it I was like, whoa, Osama sounds just like Aaron Carter."Daly, who pulled bin Laden's video in favor of a new release by Britney Spears, was willing to make some allowances for the song, however. "For a guy who's basically recording a song while he's running from bunker to bunker, it's...
  • The Borowitz Report: Taliban Shuts Down Government, Will Focus On Web Site Instead

    The Taliban, once the high-flying darling of the repressive regime sector, shut down its government today, but said that it would continue to exist on the Internet as "a Web site that delivers the total Taliban experience."The site, taliboom.com, will be operated by a skeleton staff and will offer a wide variety of repressive chat rooms and bulletin boards.Taliban leader Mullah Omar announced the news of the shutdown to his staff at Taliban headquarters in Kandahar."For those of you who have been with us for the last five years, you know it's been an awesome ride," he told the assembled group, many of whom wore baseball caps embroidered with the Taliban slogan: "Have You Talibanned Something Today?"For many Taliban in attendance, the news of the shutdown came almost as a relief. "The rumor mill around this place has been working overtime," said one junior Taliban project manager. "I kind of knew something was up when I saw that this Northern Alliance guy had parked his Saturn in my...
  • The Borowitz Report: Starbucks Opens In Kabul

    The Taliban is out--and Starbucks is in. That's the word from Kabul, Afghanistan, where, moments after the repressive Taliban government fled the city, the trendsetting coffee purveyors from Seattle were open for business.Some observers questioned whether Starbucks would succeed in a place where, in earlier eras, both the Soviet Union and Great Britain had failed.But no worry: in its first day of business, Starbucks was a big hit, with the first "barristas" in Kabul working 'round the clock to serve their new customers, many of whom had just had their beards shaved off at the newly-opened Supercuts next door.The demand for their product was so strong, in fact, that by the end of the day two more Starbucks stores had opened, all within three blocks of each other.That made Starbucks the second-most successful business in town--just behind the Gap, which launched four Kabul stores in the hours after the Northern Alliance entered the capital.The first Blockbuster Video in Kabul, which...
  • The Borowitz Report: Cruise, Cruz Call It Quits

    The storybook romance between Hollywood megastars Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz is over because the actors have discovered that their last names are not spelled the same way after all, according to a friend of the couple."Tom and Penelope had started going out with each other because they thought it would be easy to remember how to spell each other's last name," the friend said. "When they found out that was not the case, it was all over."The unfortunate discovery happened at a Beverly Hills restaurant last weekend, according to the friend.Cruise and Cruz had just finished lunch and had split the check 50-50, each putting down a credit card to pay. When the check came back, Cruz and Cruise each received the other's card by mistake and learned for the first time that their last names were not spelled the same way."It came as a total shock," the friend said. "They decided to break up that afternoon."People in the Hollywood community were dumbfounded by news of the breakup, but it came...
  • The Borowitz Report: Uzbekistan Says Yes To U.S. Troops, No To Wayne Newton

    The Republic of Uzbekistan reiterated its support for the U.S.-led coalition against terrorism today, but refused to allow USO headliner Wayne Newton to perform anywhere within its borders.The foreign ministry of Uzbekistan issued a tersely worded statement that seemed to indicate that their thumbs-down decision on Wayne Newton was irrevocable."While the government of Uzbekistan enjoyed 'Danke Schoen' and some of his early hits, we have found Mr. Newton's Vegas act to be tacky, tired and uninspired," the official Uzbek statement said."In particular," the statement continued, "the government of Uzbekistan cannot and will not condone Mr. Newton's rendition of 'Bad, Bad Leroy Brown'."A source close to the Uzbekistan government said that the Uzbeks would agree to allow such entertainers as Tony Orlando, Rich Little, or even the comedian Gallagher to appear in Uzbekistan, "but not Wayne Newton.""They've really got this thing about him," the source added.At the Pentagon, Secretary of...
  • Living Politics: Learning From The Sins Of The Father

    Here's the cardinal rule of George W. Bush's political career: love your dad, avoid his mistakes. At the 1986 All-Star Game in Houston, Dad threw out the first pitch, and it landed in the dirt. This week his son practiced diligently, and threw a strike at Yankee Stadium. Now for a far more profound test: proving, as Dad could not, that he understands--and cares about--the plight of the average American in the midst of a recession.That's why the President's handlers decided to turn a "closed press" meeting with the National Association of Manufacturers into an "open press" event at which Bush admitted the obvious (economic numbers are dismal), declared that he was "deeply concerned," and urged Congress to act quickly on measures to bring the country out of recession. "People ask me if I'm worried," the president told the NAM. "I'm worried anytime anybody loses a job."President Bush has ample time to maneuver in the two-front war with terrorists. He's struggling to get on top of the...
  • The Borowitz Report: N.Y. Yankees Defeat Taliban

    Fresh from clinching their fourth consecutive American League Championship, the New York Yankees defeated Afghanistan's repressive Taliban regime, according to U.S. military officials.Shortstop Derek Jeter and left fielder Chuck Knoblauch led the Yankees' assault on the Taliban, who demonstrated even less resistance than the Seattle Mariners.The decision to board a military jet for Afghanistan immediately after defeating Seattle was made by Yankees manager Joe Torre. "We figured we'd do it while we had the momentum," a champagne-drenched Torre told reporters from his tent in Kabul. "We've been swinging the bat real good."The assault on the Taliban began with Cy Young Award candidate Roger Clemens hurling a 98mph fastball at Osama bin Laden's head. "I was just trying to brush him back," Clemens later said of the pitch that felled the world's most wanted man. "I guess he didn't get out of the way in time."The Yankees then proceeded to destroy the fortified bunkers of the Taliban, with...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bill Just Wants To Have Fun

    Former President Bill Clinton, fresh from a bikini-buying spree in Ipanema, Brazil, returned home to Chappaqua, N.Y., last weekend-and his neighbors were none too pleased about what he brought with him."It's been hard enough having him live here," one annoyed Chappaqua resident told reporters, "but then he had to go and get that thing."The "thing" that has all of Chappaqua talking-and some angrily calling local police-is a Mr. Microphone, a microphonelike novelty device that enables its owner to broadcast his voice at high decibels over the nearest AM radio.Since Mr. Clinton bought one, neighbors say, he has been using it virtually nonstop.Annoyed residents of this leafy suburb, known for its quaint shops and highly rated school system, say Mr. Clinton has been driving around town in a red convertible with his Mr. Microphone, broadcasting such dubious messages as, "Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!""We've put up with the two keg parties he's thrown and all of...
  • The Borowitz Report: The Sloths Of Summer

    In a phenomenon that occurs every year during the week before Labor Day, national columnists across America file pointless, content-free "filler" columns, enabling lazy scribes to hit the beach earlier, according to observers who have been following the trend.The filler columns are churned out in a matter of minutes with no loftier goal than meeting a deadline and filling up space-meaning that columnists will often resort to using the same words or phrase again and again and again and again and again.Rather than doing any original writing, slothful columnists will rely on so-called experts to supply them with quotes to fill up space, experts say."They'll often quote people you've never heard of," says Harold Crimmins, an expert on filler columns. "It's pretty shameless."The typical filler column is often written months earlier, in the dead of winter, but the writer will later plug in one cursory reference to current events, such as the Gary Condit scandal, to disguise this fact.In...
  • The Borowitz Report: The Trouble With Travel

    Millionaire balloonist Steve Fossett aborted a trip to a 7-Eleven convenience store near his home last night, stating that the journey was "too risky" to continue.Fosset had attempted to travel to the store, located less than one mile from his residence, in a 1998 Honda Prelude with a V-6 engine and power windows. But halfway into his journey, he noticed that the car appeared to be low on gas."I saw that little gas tank thingy light up and I was like, 'Oh boy'," Fossett said at a recent press conference. "I realized that the whole trip had become really dangerous."At that point, Fossett had to decide whether to continue or abandon his journey. Reluctantly, he decided that the chances of running out of gas had rendered the trip too risky."This was the biggest disappointment in my life," a crestfallen Fossett told reporters.Fossett said he planned to reschedule the trip-in which he had hoped to pick up a 20-ounce coffee and a bacon-and-egg sandwich-as soon as he refueled the Prelude...
  • The Borowitz Report: One For The Gals

    With the 2002 midterm elections little more than a year away, President George W. Bush plans to improve his sagging approval ratings among women voters by proposing a nationwide federally funded "Ladies' Nite." ...
  • The Borowitz Report: The Condit Condit-Ion

    The most commonly used word in the English language is "Condit," according to a panel of esteemed English-language experts who participated in a study released today.THE STUDY appears in the scholarly journal formerly called English Usage. It was retitled Condit Weekly as of this week. "We knew that people were saying 'Condit' a lot, but we had no idea how much they were saying 'Condit,'" says Prof. Irvin Harburg, one of the language experts who was consulted for the study. "What we are finding is that they are saying 'Condit' a lot, and saying 'Condit' more often than they are not saying 'Condit'."The average American uses the word "Condit" in every other sentence, the study says. That usage is somewhat higher on the Fox News Channel, where every other word uttered by commentators over the last three weeks has been "Condit."During the past month, the word "Condit" has been used more than 8 trillion times, the study says, easily outdistancing such perennial favorites as "and," "the"...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush's Nicknames Create Controversy

    President Bush's penchant for nicknaming his associates has charmed and disarmed world leaders during his current swing through Europe-with one notable exception.Queen Elizabeth II of England was apparently "infuriated" at the president's repeated attempts to call her by an affectionate moniker while visiting London over the weekend.The trouble started, observers say, at a formal dinner at Buckingham Palace during which Bush greeted the British sovereign with a hearty, "What's shaking, Queenie?"Queen Elizabeth, who seemed confused and unaware that she was being spoken to, did not acknowledge the president's greeting, but her nonresponse seemed only to egg him on."Hey, I'm talking to you, Q-E-2," the president said. Chortling, Bush then slapped the queen on the back, sending her tiara flying from her head and into Prince Philip's soup.Despite being warned by several members of the royal family to stop calling the queen by nicknames, Bush persisted, calling the British sovereign ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Apes Superior To Humans, Says Orangutan

    In a heated, invective-filled debate sponsored by the League of Women Voters, actor Charlton Heston and a noted orangutan crossed swords over the age-old question of who is superior, apes or humans.The debate, televised nationally last night, began as the orangutan, the acclaimed scientist Dr. Zaius, launched into a stinging attack on humans."Beware the beast man, for he is the devil's pawn," said Zaius, who surprised many in attendance with his impeccable English accent. "Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours."Heston appeared to grow increasingly red-faced with anger at the orangutan's inflammatory remarks, but Zaius continued, seemingly unfazed."Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair," continued Zaius, "for he is the harbinger of death."With Heston offering nothing in the way of a rebuttal, the long-winded Zaius easily dominated the debate with his slashing, aggressive attack.After the contest, held at Georgetown University Law...
  • The Borowitz Report: Julia Roberts To Wed State Of New Jersey

    Actress Julia Roberts, well-known for dating the costars of her movies, has surprised Hollywood insiders by announcing that she plans to marry the state of New Jersey, sources close to the actress revealed today.THE HOLLYWOOD RUMOR mill suggested that Roberts was merely on the rebound from her breakup with actor Benjamin Bratt when she fell for the Garden State. Friends of the actress, however, insisted that this was not the case. "I've known Julia for years, and I've never seen her this happy," said a close friend of the "Erin Brockovich" star. "She and New Jersey really seem to be in love." Those close to the actress were not surprised to learn that the actress was seriously involved with one of the 50 states. "She was kind of running out of guys to date," the friend said. Roberts met New Jersey while on location there for the filming of her new movie, "Ocean's Eleven." While Roberts's romances with actors on location have been well-documented, Hollywood insiders believe that this...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Blames Poor Poll Numbers On Fuzzy Math

    President George W. Bush today brushed aside reports that he was sliding precipitously in the polls, blaming his poor approval ratings on what he called "fuzzy math.""I don't know where people come off saying these numbers are bad," Bush told reporters at the White House. "I've seen fuzzy math in my day, but this really takes the cake."Recent polls show the president's job-approval rating sinking to 50 percent, down from the mid-sixties in January. When asked about these specifics, however, the president was undaunted."Fifty percent? Whoa, that's starting to sound pretty fuzzy to me," the president said. "Let's keep it mind one thing now: 50 percent is way more than half. I'll take that any day of the week."Several reporters questioned Bush's assertion that 50 percent was more than half, suggesting instead that it was precisely half. But the president disagreed, saying that their interpretation was "fuzzy.""Fifty percent, is, like, way, way more than half," Bush said. "That's what...
  • The Borowitz Report: Michael Jordan Announces Comeback, Retirement And Yet Another Comeback

    In an announcement that stunned the world of professional basketball, NBA legend Michael Jordan told reporters today that he intends to make a comeback, then retire again and then make yet another comeback."I still have a lot of basketball left in me," Jordan said at a press conference at Washington's Hay-Adams Hotel. "But after playing two more years' worth of basketball, I will no longer have any basketball left in me and I will retire once again."Before reporters could ask any questions, Jordan continued. "At that point, I will want to spend more time with my family," he said. "There are other things in life besides basketball."Many reporters at the press conference assumed that Jordan's prepared remarks were over and began to shout questions at the basketball giant, but Jordan had more to say."However, after spending a couple of years with my family, I will find that I no longer want to spend so much time with them, because I will realize that I still have a lot more basketball...
  • The Borowitz Report: Sony's Latest Bombshell:

    Coming on the heels of its admission that it concocted a fictitious reviewer to rave about its films and used studio employees to gush about them in TV ads, Sony Pictures revealed today that no real people have attended any Sony-produced films for well over five years. "No actual person bought tickets to any of our movies," says a Sony marketing executive "because the movies we released were very, very bad."Red-faced Sony executives admit that Sony productions like "The Patriot" and "Charlie's Angels" only achieved their record grosses as a result of Sony staffers attending them round-the-clock. One worker in the Sony Pictures cafeteria was paid by Sony to see the David Spade vehicle "Joe Dirt" well over 600 times, the executives say."It's all about creating a buzz," a marketing executive says. "We thought that if we paid our employees to go watch our moves, maybe some real people would buy tickets, too. Hey, if it had worked, everyone would be calling us geniuses now."Under attack...
  • The Borowitz Report: A New Report Rates Bush The Greatest U.S. President Ever

    A new report released today has named President George W. Bush the "greatest president in U.S. history," topping perennial favorites such as George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Thomas Jefferson."His keen intelligence, dogged work ethic and encyclopedic knowledge of international affairs and domestic issues put President Bush way at the top of the list," says the report, which is sure to give a much-appreciated shot in the arm to the Bush White House."President Bush is doing a really, really good job," the report goes on to say.The report appears in this month's issue of Sarcasm: The Journal of Sarcastic Articles, published by the Sarcastic Institute of America in Bethesda, Md.The report, penned by historian I.M. Kidding, praised President Bush for his handling of the Chinese spy-plane episode, his advocacy of arsenic as an ingredient in drinking water and what Kidding referred to as his "savvy brinkmanship and diplomacy in his dealings with Sen. Jim Jeffords.""For all of these...
  • The Borowitz Report: War Of Words Escalates Between Ford And Firestone

    The rhetorical battle between the Ford Motor Co. and the Firestone tire company reached a new level of acrimony today when a spokesman for Ford called Firestone "a bunch of egregious jerks.""When you look at how Firestone has been acting lately, it's really jerky," a spokesman for Ford told reporters. "They are, like, a bunch of egregious jerks."Firestone immediately fired back with a statement of its own. "Oh, so we're jerks?" a Firestone spokesman said. "I guess it takes one to know one!"Reporters asked the Firestone spokesman if he was surprised by the severity of the Ford spokesman's attack. "Nothing that butthead says surprises me anymore," the Firestone spokesman said.For his part, the Ford spokesman took issue with being called a "butthead" by the Firestone spokesman. "You tell him to come over here and say that to me," the Ford spokesman said. "I'll kick the crap out of him."The Firestone spokesman, however, was unfazed by the latest threat from the Ford spokesman. "Yeah,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Disney To Spend An Additional $145 Million On 'Pearl Harbor'

    Buoyed by the Memorial Day Weekend box-office returns for its $145 million blockbuster "Pearl Harbor," the Walt Disney Co. announced today that it would spend an additional $145 million dollars on an "enhanced edition" of the film that will be "longer, louder and dumber" than the original version. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: The United States Of Halliburton?

    In a move that his supporters are calling his boldest to date, President George W. Bush today advocated a merger between the United States of America and the Halliburton Co., one of the world's largest oil-producing concerns. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: What's Our Motivation?

    Plans to stage a Screen Actors' Guild strike this summer appeared to be in jeopardy after a rancorous union meeting last night in which scores of Hollywood actors demanded to know their "motivation" for striking. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Laura Bush Accidentally Throws Out Bill Of Rights

    First Lady Laura Bush, a former librarian who is described by those who know her as a "neat freak," lived up to her reputation this week by accidentally throwing out the original copy of the Bill of Rights in the National Archives, the White House revealed today. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Greenspan Runs Out On The Check At Sizzler

    The stock market, already roiled by reports of flagging consumer confidence and disappointing corporate earnings, received another blow today when it was revealed that Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan had run out of a Sizzler restaurant in Manhattan Beach, Calif., last Saturday without paying his tab. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Big Snowball Threatens Northeast

    A well-packed snowball measuring as much as four inches in diameter pounded a mailbox in Burlington, Vt., early this morning in what some meteorologists are calling one of the most savage winter snowball events in decades. ...
  • Eminem, Barney To Perform Duet At Next Year's Grammys

    Rapper Eminem will perform a duet with Barney the Purple Dinosaur at next year's Grammy Awards, recording industry sources revealed today. Producers of next year's telecast indicated that the rapper and the dinosaur would most likely join forces on Barney's hit song, "I Love You, You Love Me."Children's advocacy groups immediately blasted Eminem for agreeing to share the stage with the controversial dinosaur, whose odious, insipid songs are anathema to parents across the country, especially those who have to take long car trips with small children."By singing a duet with Barney, Eminem is sending a message to kids everywhere that he approves of Barney's so-called 'music,' " said Karen Curland of the Children's Music Advocacy Project, one of the most virulently anti-Barney groups in the country. "This can only result in more and more kids singing along with Barney at the top of their lungs while their parents are trying to find a parking space at the mall."Recording-industry insiders...