Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • The Borowitz Report: Gore Loses Bid To Run 'Shadow Government'

    Just days after it was revealed that there is a "shadow government" in place underground somewhere outside of Washington, D.C., former Vice President Al Gore was trounced in his bid to become president of it.Subterranean voters gave the former vice-president a scant 38 percent of the vote, with 59 percent going to Buford T. Bush, an amateur motocross competitor and a distant cousin of President George W. Bush.Mr. Gore had campaigned aggressively for the job of Shadow President, which may have been part of the problem, underground voters said."If you think he's irritating when he's above ground, you should see what it's like being trapped in a subterranean tunnel with him," one voter said today. "You want to jump out a window, only there aren't any."Pulling out all the stops in his fruitless campaign for Shadow President, Mr. Gore not only shaved off his infamous hippie-like beard, but also shaved his head, hoping that his new, smoother appearance might appeal to voters. But no such...
  • The Borowitz Report: Dennis Miller Takes Obscure Parting Shot At Abc

    Comedian Dennis Miller, fired from ABC's "Monday Night Football" last week, lashed out at ABC Sports today in a blistering tirade packed with obscure literary and pop-culture references that may take his former bosses years to decipher."Hey, you guys pulled a Pete Best on me," Miller told the executives at ABC Sports. "Well, you don't need to show me the exit. Who am I, Jean Paul Sartre?"The ABC executives begged Miller to slow down so that they could look up some of the items contained in the often-baffling comedian's trademark "rant," but Miller, seemingly undeterred, soldiered on in the same arcane vein."When I heard you were replacing me with Madden, I was like, isn't that the guy who played Reuben Kincaid on 'The Partridge Family'?" Miller said, in an apparent reference to football announcer John Madden and former sitcom star Dave Madden.It is believed that only three or four people in North America, excluding Miller himself, are sufficiently aware of both Maddens in order to...
  • The Borowitz Report: Worthless Paper

    For weeks, Enron shareholders have been hearing that their stock isn't worth the paper it's printed on. Now comes word that the paper it's printed on is worthless, too. ...
  • U.S. Considers Military Action To Remove Skating Judges

    Reacting to the outrageous awarding of the Olympic gold medal to a pair of Russian figure skaters over a more deserving Canadian pair Monday night, President Bush said today that the United States would not rule out military action to remove the figure-skating judges involved. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Ken Lay's Wish: To Be A 'Real Boy'

    As the congressional probe of the Enron case continues, embattled former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay surprised Justice Department officials today by saying that he was not looking for an immunity deal but instead wanted to become "a real boy" as soon as possible. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Tyson To Fight Himself In Japan

    With Nevada boxing officials refusing to sanction a proposed bout between "Iron" Mike Tyson and heavyweight Lennox Lewis, Tyson today signed a lucrative deal to fight himself in Kyoto, Japan later this month. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: White House Downplays Veep's Influence Over Seasons

    Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from his secure, undisclosed location to make the rounds of the morning news programs this Sunday, but then immediately returned to his hiding place-indicating that America may be in for six more weeks of winter, according to experts. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Tony Blair Plays Peacemaker

    Fresh from his diplomatic mission in India, British Prime Minister Tony Blair jetted to Los Angeles over the weekend, hoping to calm what he termed "the dangerously simmering tensions" between the world's two most popular boy-bands, 'N Sync and The Backstreet Boys. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Ashcroft Detains Santa Claus

    He's making a list, he's checking it twice, and he may be brought before a military tribunal.That was the word from Attorney General John Ashcroft late Monday night as he announced that a man identified as Santa Claus was arrested on Christmas Eve as he attempted to cross into the United States from Canada.Claus, along with several elves, was wrapped up in a wide-ranging FBI sweep and would be detained "indefinitely," Ashcroft said.The attorney general, who said that Claus attempted to enter the country on a long-expired student visa, declined to divulge the identities of the elves."I don't want to give out any information at this time that may be helpful to our enemies," Ashcroft said. "There may be other elves still at large."While President Bush and members of Congress praised the arrest and detention of Santa Claus, others, most notably the American Civil Liberties Union, cried foul."Clearly, Mr. Claus was picked up by the FBI because he is a foreigner with a beard," said Kevin...
  • The Borowitz Report: Letting The Dogs Out

    No more Mr. Nice Guy.That seems to be the message the Pentagon is determined to send to Osama bin Laden. After weeks of pounding the Al Quaeda kingpin's cave network in Tora Bora with carpet bombs, "daisy cutters" and the like, the United States is sending in their biggest guns so far: a crack team of bottle-throwing Cleveland Browns fans."We've never seen a fiercer, more frightening band of warriors," said Colonel Clive Holden, a British commando force leader who is coordinating the Browns fans' war effort. "They're jolly good."The Browns fans were picked up by a U.S. Army transport plane immediately following the Browns' controversial loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars this past Sunday, in which bottle-hurling "Dawg Pound" denizens, as the fearsome Browns fans are known, delayed the game by trashing the stadium.Within twenty-four hours, the irate Clevelanders were dropped into the Tora Bora region, with one clear mission: Go crazy on Osama.In order to motivate the Dawg Pound...
  • The Borowitz Report: Ridge Issues Warning On J. Lo Marriage Crisis

    One week after supermarket tabloid headlines warned of a "J. Lo Marriage Crisis," Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge issued a new warning to all Americans, indicating that there was a "credible threat" to Jennifer Lopez's marriage."Make no mistake, the J. Lo Marriage Crisis is real," Ridge announced in a Washington press briefing. "We want all Americans to be on a heightened state of alert for any and all threats to Jennifer Lopez's marriage."Ridge would not specify the exact nature of the threat to the singer-actress's marriage, but said that the J. Lo Marriage Crisis could deepen in the next ten to 14 days."If any Americans have any information regarding the J. Lo Marriage Crisis, we are urging them to come forward now," Ridge said, adding that the F.B.I. was establishing a J. Lo Marriage Crisis hotline.Around the world, news of the J. Lo Marriage Crisis spread quickly, with allies offering their support to shore up Lopez's reportedly shaky matrimonial bond.The most vocal and...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bin Laden Releases New Video, Dance Single

    Osama bin Laden, on the run from U.S. Special Operations Forces in Afghanistan, has fired what some observers believe may be his final salvo in the propaganda war: a new video and dance single.The song, an upbeat, hip-hop-tinged track called "Party With Me," got an instant thumbs-down from the top brass at CNN, who decided not to air the video. "We refuse to offer our network as a platform for Mr. bin Laden to get 'jiggy,' as I believe the youngsters say nowadays," a CNN executive told reporters.The Al Quaeda leader's single also received a tepid reaction on MTV, where it stalled at No. 27 on "Total Request Live." "I found it kind of derivative," says TRL" host Carson Daly. "The first time I heard it I was like, whoa, Osama sounds just like Aaron Carter."Daly, who pulled bin Laden's video in favor of a new release by Britney Spears, was willing to make some allowances for the song, however. "For a guy who's basically recording a song while he's running from bunker to bunker, it's...
  • The Borowitz Report: Taliban Shuts Down Government, Will Focus On Web Site Instead

    The Taliban, once the high-flying darling of the repressive regime sector, shut down its government today, but said that it would continue to exist on the Internet as "a Web site that delivers the total Taliban experience."The site, taliboom.com, will be operated by a skeleton staff and will offer a wide variety of repressive chat rooms and bulletin boards.Taliban leader Mullah Omar announced the news of the shutdown to his staff at Taliban headquarters in Kandahar."For those of you who have been with us for the last five years, you know it's been an awesome ride," he told the assembled group, many of whom wore baseball caps embroidered with the Taliban slogan: "Have You Talibanned Something Today?"For many Taliban in attendance, the news of the shutdown came almost as a relief. "The rumor mill around this place has been working overtime," said one junior Taliban project manager. "I kind of knew something was up when I saw that this Northern Alliance guy had parked his Saturn in my...
  • The Borowitz Report: Starbucks Opens In Kabul

    The Taliban is out--and Starbucks is in. That's the word from Kabul, Afghanistan, where, moments after the repressive Taliban government fled the city, the trendsetting coffee purveyors from Seattle were open for business.Some observers questioned whether Starbucks would succeed in a place where, in earlier eras, both the Soviet Union and Great Britain had failed.But no worry: in its first day of business, Starbucks was a big hit, with the first "barristas" in Kabul working 'round the clock to serve their new customers, many of whom had just had their beards shaved off at the newly-opened Supercuts next door.The demand for their product was so strong, in fact, that by the end of the day two more Starbucks stores had opened, all within three blocks of each other.That made Starbucks the second-most successful business in town--just behind the Gap, which launched four Kabul stores in the hours after the Northern Alliance entered the capital.The first Blockbuster Video in Kabul, which...
  • The Borowitz Report: Cruise, Cruz Call It Quits

    The storybook romance between Hollywood megastars Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz is over because the actors have discovered that their last names are not spelled the same way after all, according to a friend of the couple."Tom and Penelope had started going out with each other because they thought it would be easy to remember how to spell each other's last name," the friend said. "When they found out that was not the case, it was all over."The unfortunate discovery happened at a Beverly Hills restaurant last weekend, according to the friend.Cruise and Cruz had just finished lunch and had split the check 50-50, each putting down a credit card to pay. When the check came back, Cruz and Cruise each received the other's card by mistake and learned for the first time that their last names were not spelled the same way."It came as a total shock," the friend said. "They decided to break up that afternoon."People in the Hollywood community were dumbfounded by news of the breakup, but it came...
  • The Borowitz Report: Uzbekistan Says Yes To U.S. Troops, No To Wayne Newton

    The Republic of Uzbekistan reiterated its support for the U.S.-led coalition against terrorism today, but refused to allow USO headliner Wayne Newton to perform anywhere within its borders.The foreign ministry of Uzbekistan issued a tersely worded statement that seemed to indicate that their thumbs-down decision on Wayne Newton was irrevocable."While the government of Uzbekistan enjoyed 'Danke Schoen' and some of his early hits, we have found Mr. Newton's Vegas act to be tacky, tired and uninspired," the official Uzbek statement said."In particular," the statement continued, "the government of Uzbekistan cannot and will not condone Mr. Newton's rendition of 'Bad, Bad Leroy Brown'."A source close to the Uzbekistan government said that the Uzbeks would agree to allow such entertainers as Tony Orlando, Rich Little, or even the comedian Gallagher to appear in Uzbekistan, "but not Wayne Newton.""They've really got this thing about him," the source added.At the Pentagon, Secretary of...
  • Living Politics: Learning From The Sins Of The Father

    Here's the cardinal rule of George W. Bush's political career: love your dad, avoid his mistakes. At the 1986 All-Star Game in Houston, Dad threw out the first pitch, and it landed in the dirt. This week his son practiced diligently, and threw a strike at Yankee Stadium. Now for a far more profound test: proving, as Dad could not, that he understands--and cares about--the plight of the average American in the midst of a recession.That's why the President's handlers decided to turn a "closed press" meeting with the National Association of Manufacturers into an "open press" event at which Bush admitted the obvious (economic numbers are dismal), declared that he was "deeply concerned," and urged Congress to act quickly on measures to bring the country out of recession. "People ask me if I'm worried," the president told the NAM. "I'm worried anytime anybody loses a job."President Bush has ample time to maneuver in the two-front war with terrorists. He's struggling to get on top of the...
  • The Borowitz Report: N.Y. Yankees Defeat Taliban

    Fresh from clinching their fourth consecutive American League Championship, the New York Yankees defeated Afghanistan's repressive Taliban regime, according to U.S. military officials.Shortstop Derek Jeter and left fielder Chuck Knoblauch led the Yankees' assault on the Taliban, who demonstrated even less resistance than the Seattle Mariners.The decision to board a military jet for Afghanistan immediately after defeating Seattle was made by Yankees manager Joe Torre. "We figured we'd do it while we had the momentum," a champagne-drenched Torre told reporters from his tent in Kabul. "We've been swinging the bat real good."The assault on the Taliban began with Cy Young Award candidate Roger Clemens hurling a 98mph fastball at Osama bin Laden's head. "I was just trying to brush him back," Clemens later said of the pitch that felled the world's most wanted man. "I guess he didn't get out of the way in time."The Yankees then proceeded to destroy the fortified bunkers of the Taliban, with...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bill Just Wants To Have Fun

    Former President Bill Clinton, fresh from a bikini-buying spree in Ipanema, Brazil, returned home to Chappaqua, N.Y., last weekend-and his neighbors were none too pleased about what he brought with him."It's been hard enough having him live here," one annoyed Chappaqua resident told reporters, "but then he had to go and get that thing."The "thing" that has all of Chappaqua talking-and some angrily calling local police-is a Mr. Microphone, a microphonelike novelty device that enables its owner to broadcast his voice at high decibels over the nearest AM radio.Since Mr. Clinton bought one, neighbors say, he has been using it virtually nonstop.Annoyed residents of this leafy suburb, known for its quaint shops and highly rated school system, say Mr. Clinton has been driving around town in a red convertible with his Mr. Microphone, broadcasting such dubious messages as, "Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!""We've put up with the two keg parties he's thrown and all of...
  • The Borowitz Report: The Sloths Of Summer

    In a phenomenon that occurs every year during the week before Labor Day, national columnists across America file pointless, content-free "filler" columns, enabling lazy scribes to hit the beach earlier, according to observers who have been following the trend.The filler columns are churned out in a matter of minutes with no loftier goal than meeting a deadline and filling up space-meaning that columnists will often resort to using the same words or phrase again and again and again and again and again.Rather than doing any original writing, slothful columnists will rely on so-called experts to supply them with quotes to fill up space, experts say."They'll often quote people you've never heard of," says Harold Crimmins, an expert on filler columns. "It's pretty shameless."The typical filler column is often written months earlier, in the dead of winter, but the writer will later plug in one cursory reference to current events, such as the Gary Condit scandal, to disguise this fact.In...
  • The Borowitz Report: The Trouble With Travel

    Millionaire balloonist Steve Fossett aborted a trip to a 7-Eleven convenience store near his home last night, stating that the journey was "too risky" to continue.Fosset had attempted to travel to the store, located less than one mile from his residence, in a 1998 Honda Prelude with a V-6 engine and power windows. But halfway into his journey, he noticed that the car appeared to be low on gas."I saw that little gas tank thingy light up and I was like, 'Oh boy'," Fossett said at a recent press conference. "I realized that the whole trip had become really dangerous."At that point, Fossett had to decide whether to continue or abandon his journey. Reluctantly, he decided that the chances of running out of gas had rendered the trip too risky."This was the biggest disappointment in my life," a crestfallen Fossett told reporters.Fossett said he planned to reschedule the trip-in which he had hoped to pick up a 20-ounce coffee and a bacon-and-egg sandwich-as soon as he refueled the Prelude...
  • The Borowitz Report: One For The Gals

    With the 2002 midterm elections little more than a year away, President George W. Bush plans to improve his sagging approval ratings among women voters by proposing a nationwide federally funded "Ladies' Nite." ...
  • The Borowitz Report: The Condit Condit-Ion

    The most commonly used word in the English language is "Condit," according to a panel of esteemed English-language experts who participated in a study released today.THE STUDY appears in the scholarly journal formerly called English Usage. It was retitled Condit Weekly as of this week. "We knew that people were saying 'Condit' a lot, but we had no idea how much they were saying 'Condit,'" says Prof. Irvin Harburg, one of the language experts who was consulted for the study. "What we are finding is that they are saying 'Condit' a lot, and saying 'Condit' more often than they are not saying 'Condit'."The average American uses the word "Condit" in every other sentence, the study says. That usage is somewhat higher on the Fox News Channel, where every other word uttered by commentators over the last three weeks has been "Condit."During the past month, the word "Condit" has been used more than 8 trillion times, the study says, easily outdistancing such perennial favorites as "and," "the"...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush's Nicknames Create Controversy

    President Bush's penchant for nicknaming his associates has charmed and disarmed world leaders during his current swing through Europe-with one notable exception.Queen Elizabeth II of England was apparently "infuriated" at the president's repeated attempts to call her by an affectionate moniker while visiting London over the weekend.The trouble started, observers say, at a formal dinner at Buckingham Palace during which Bush greeted the British sovereign with a hearty, "What's shaking, Queenie?"Queen Elizabeth, who seemed confused and unaware that she was being spoken to, did not acknowledge the president's greeting, but her nonresponse seemed only to egg him on."Hey, I'm talking to you, Q-E-2," the president said. Chortling, Bush then slapped the queen on the back, sending her tiara flying from her head and into Prince Philip's soup.Despite being warned by several members of the royal family to stop calling the queen by nicknames, Bush persisted, calling the British sovereign ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Apes Superior To Humans, Says Orangutan

    In a heated, invective-filled debate sponsored by the League of Women Voters, actor Charlton Heston and a noted orangutan crossed swords over the age-old question of who is superior, apes or humans.The debate, televised nationally last night, began as the orangutan, the acclaimed scientist Dr. Zaius, launched into a stinging attack on humans."Beware the beast man, for he is the devil's pawn," said Zaius, who surprised many in attendance with his impeccable English accent. "Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours."Heston appeared to grow increasingly red-faced with anger at the orangutan's inflammatory remarks, but Zaius continued, seemingly unfazed."Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair," continued Zaius, "for he is the harbinger of death."With Heston offering nothing in the way of a rebuttal, the long-winded Zaius easily dominated the debate with his slashing, aggressive attack.After the contest, held at Georgetown University Law...
  • The Borowitz Report: Julia Roberts To Wed State Of New Jersey

    Actress Julia Roberts, well-known for dating the costars of her movies, has surprised Hollywood insiders by announcing that she plans to marry the state of New Jersey, sources close to the actress revealed today.THE HOLLYWOOD RUMOR mill suggested that Roberts was merely on the rebound from her breakup with actor Benjamin Bratt when she fell for the Garden State. Friends of the actress, however, insisted that this was not the case. "I've known Julia for years, and I've never seen her this happy," said a close friend of the "Erin Brockovich" star. "She and New Jersey really seem to be in love." Those close to the actress were not surprised to learn that the actress was seriously involved with one of the 50 states. "She was kind of running out of guys to date," the friend said. Roberts met New Jersey while on location there for the filming of her new movie, "Ocean's Eleven." While Roberts's romances with actors on location have been well-documented, Hollywood insiders believe that this...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Blames Poor Poll Numbers On Fuzzy Math

    President George W. Bush today brushed aside reports that he was sliding precipitously in the polls, blaming his poor approval ratings on what he called "fuzzy math.""I don't know where people come off saying these numbers are bad," Bush told reporters at the White House. "I've seen fuzzy math in my day, but this really takes the cake."Recent polls show the president's job-approval rating sinking to 50 percent, down from the mid-sixties in January. When asked about these specifics, however, the president was undaunted."Fifty percent? Whoa, that's starting to sound pretty fuzzy to me," the president said. "Let's keep it mind one thing now: 50 percent is way more than half. I'll take that any day of the week."Several reporters questioned Bush's assertion that 50 percent was more than half, suggesting instead that it was precisely half. But the president disagreed, saying that their interpretation was "fuzzy.""Fifty percent, is, like, way, way more than half," Bush said. "That's what...