Andy Borowitz

Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • The Borowitz Report: Bush's Interior Secretary Is Really A James Bond Villain

    Bush administration officials were red-faced today at the news that newly appointed Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton was actually Ernst Stavro Blofeld-the longtime archnemesis of Agent 007 James Bond-in disguise."We had no idea that Gale Norton was the head of S.P.E.C.T.R.E. when we nominated her for the Interior post," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card told reporters. "Having said that, we still believe that Gale, or Blofeld as we now call her, will do a splendid job."Norton breezed through her confirmation hearings despite the strenuous objection of environmental groups. Her cool responses to senators' questions about oil drilling in the Alaskan wilderness failed to raise suspicions that she might be one of the deadliest supervillains on the planet. "I guess hindsight is always 20-20," says Sen. Joseph Lieberman, "but in retrospect, it kind of bothered me that she was stroking that white cat in her lap during the hearings."According to Dr. James O'Shaunessy of Edinburgh...
  • ?Joyce Dewitt Virus? Harms Almost No Computers, Experts Say

    An Internet virus masquerading as a sexy picture of former “Three’s Company” starlet Joyce DeWitt did not have its intended destructive result when few, if any, of its targeted victims worldwide even opened the e-mail message. The message, with a subject line reading “Sexy Hot Joyce DeWitt,” was deleted almost immediately by computer users around the world, Internet experts say.“Our reports are showing that few of the people who saw the e-mail message in their inbox remembered who Joyce DeWitt was,” says Mark Schenkman, an Internet security expert in Tallahassee, Fla. “Of those who did remember her, few wanted to see sexy hot pictures of her.”DeWitt, who appeared on the popular “Three’s Company” series from 1976 to 1984, played the role of Janet, the plain, man-hungry counterpart to Suzanne Somers’ blonde bombshell Chrissy. DeWitt was an unlikely choice to front a destructive e-mail virus, computer experts say.“Whoever chose her screwed up big time,”Schenkman says. “I always had a...
  • Steven Soderbergh Wins Nobel Peace Prize

    Film director Steven Soderbergh has won the 2001 Nobel Peace Prize for his work on the films "Traffic" and "Erin Brockovich," Nobel Committee Chairman Francis Sejerstad announced in Oslo, Norway today.The Oslo win is significant, Hollywood insiders say, because it makes Soderbergh the prohibitive favorite to win this year's Oscar for Best Director. "It's highly unusual for a director to win the Nobel Peace Prize and then come up empty on Oscar night," says Buddy Hogan, a longtime studio publicist at MGM.Additionally, winning the coveted Oslo prize will no doubt give a significant boost to the films' already-impressive box-office tallies. "I can sum up the effect of a Nobel Peace Prize in two words: ka-ching, ka-ching," Hogan says.The awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to director Soderbergh came as a surprise to many in international peace circles, since the director had not been involved in furthering the peace process in any region of the world last year. In spite of that, last...
  • Clinton?s Final To-Do List

    President Clinton, determined to use his presidential power until the last possible moment, plans to establish relations with Carmen Electra, insiders have learned.The Electra decision was included on a hand-scrawled ???to-do??? list on an official presidential memo pad found on President Clinton???s desk, according to a cleaning woman familiar with the memo pad. The rest of the list reads as follows:Sign executive order for U.S. Mint to produce Clinton nickel Approve exploratory drilling of Linda Tripp???s head Quadruple pension benefits for all veterans at the Commander-in-Chief level or higher Conduct bombing raid on Henry Hyde Push through tax credits for unemployed spouses of U.S. Senators Name Vernon Jordan ???Golf Czar??? For old times??? sake, fire White House travel office again Grant amnesty for non-payment of legal bills up to seven million dollars Have cable company disconnect Spice Channel from Oval Office Order immediate price freeze on McDonald???s Super Value Meals...
  • The Borowitz Report: Gore Votes Found In Jeb Bush's Pants

    Just as George W. Bush's path to the White House seemed assured by victory in the U.S. Supreme Court, the nation was stunned to learn that 538 votes for Vice President Al Gore had been found stuffed in Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's pants.The Governor, who had recused himself in the Florida recounts because he is the brother of the Republican nominee, was giving a speech to the Young Republican Club of Tallahassee when audience members noticed paper ballots falling out of his right pant leg. As 538 Gore ballots--enough to put Al Gore ahead in the Florida race by a margin of one vote--cascaded to the ground, Gov. Bush exclaimed, "Holy cow, how did those get in there?"Democratic operatives were not inclined to accept Gov. Bush's surprised reaction at face value, claiming instead that the Florida Governor intentionally stuffed the crucial votes in his pants on election night."I was busy counting votes in Seminole County when the Governor kind of snuck up behind me and said, 'Looky there, it's...
  • Is It Time To Recruit Guest Presidents?

    With legal challenges from both the Bush and Gore camps threatening to prolong the Florida recount until at least 2004, Congressional leaders are proposing that the White House be filled with celebrity 'guest-presidents' until then, sources say.Drawn from the ranks of high-profile singers, actors, and sports figures, the guest presidents would each serve as leader of the Free World for a one-week term. They would be empowered to veto legislation, pardon felons and name Supreme Court Justices.Sources familiar with the proposal say that a guest president would not be permitted to declare war, but would be allowed to order bombing strikes on Sadaam Hussein.Additionally, a guest president would not be expected to do anything about Social Security, crime or homelessness--"just like a real President," one source says.While Congressional insiders deny the existence of a short list of celebrities who might be tapped to serve as guest president, the Washington rumor mill placed actor Andy...
  • Hillary Clinton Names Self President

    With the presidential contest too close to call, Senator-elect Hillary Clinton has taken the unusual measure of naming herself the 43rd president of the United States."While I have loved being in the United States Senate for the last few hours, the needs of my country must come first," the sleep-deprived First Lady said to a stunned audience in New York early Wednesday morning. "And so, my fellow Americans, I generously offer myself as your next president."While constitutional scholars differed as to whether Mrs. Clinton had the right to name herself the country's next president, aides to the history-making First Lady argued that her ascension to the White House made sense. "She's going to save the country tons of money in relocation expenses, because all of her junk is already there," said one aide. "Plus, she's already got stationery and stuff like that."For her own part, Mrs. Clinton argued that neither Vice President Al Gore nor Texas Gov. George W. Bush was as qualified to be...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Tops Chimp In Latest I.Q. Test

    With a less than a week to go before the 2000 presidential election, Texas Governor George W. Bush outscored a laboratory chimp in a scientifically conducted I.Q. test, aides to the Republican nominee revealed today."Not only is Governor Bush smarter than a chimp, he's a whole lot smarter," Bush advisor Ted Grundig told reporters in a hastily called press conference. "These I.Q. test results should put to rest, once and for all, any question about the Governor's fitness to be commander-in-chief."The tests took place in a controlled environment at a laboratory in Princeton, New Jersey, Bush aides said. The Texas Governor arrived with two sharpened No. 2 pencils and faced off for three hours against a chimp named Bongo. Highlighting the impressiveness of Governor Bush's victory, sources close to the Bush camp claim that Bongo is one of the smartest chimps in America. "The Governor didn't beat just any chimp, he beat a truly outstanding chimp," one aide says, adding that Bush outscored...
  • The Record: Russian Relations

    Al Gore's hands-on experience in shaping U.S. foreign policy was supposed to be an advantage in his race for the White House. The vice president's campaign staff believed that his unusually active role--particularly as the U.S. chair of a commission on Russia's economic transition--would underscore thecandidate's expertise while highlighting George W. Bush's weaknesses. The problemfor Gore: things haven't quite gone according to plan.Instead of being praised for his work with the commission's co-chair, former Russian Prime Minister Viktor S. Chernomyrdin, Republicans are accusing Gore of negotiating secret deals that flouted American laws and allowed Russia to continue selling arms to Iran. They also charge that he undermined Washington policy towards Moscow, turned a blind eye to Russian corruption and missed opportunities to stabilize the country's collapsing economy.But are these fair criticisms? Or are they Republican red herrings intended to distract Gore--and the voters--in...
  • The Borowitz Report: Gore Accuses Bush Of 'Letting The Dogs Out'

    In his most blistering attack to date in the 2000 presidential contest, Vice President Al Gore has accused George W. Bush of "letting the dogs out" while Governor of Texas.In a campaign stop in the crucial swing state of Michigan, Gore made it clear that he was prepared to make the canine-release controversy a central issue in the waning days of Campaign 2000. "During the last six years in Texas, many dogs have been let out--on Governor Bush's watch," Gore told a partisan crowd at a Dearborn middle school. "I call on Governor Bush to answer this question, honestly and completely: who let the dogs out?"Governor Bush, campaigning in Gore's home state of Tennessee, was quick to dispute the Vice President's accusations. "I want to say to my opponent, come down to Texas and see what's been going on," Bush told a gathering of supporters at a Chattanooga truck stop. "We haven't been letting dogs out, we've been cutting taxes and executing folks."There is some dispute as to how many dogs...
  • The Borowitz Report: Aides Ponder Replacing Gore's Head

    With his campaign flagging after lackluster performances in the presidential debates, aides to Vice President Gore are advocating a surgical procedure that would replace their candidate's head with a more appealing one, sources close to the Gore campaign say."We took a look at his debate appearances and saw that all of the problems--the sighing, the high-handedness, the inconsistent statements--stemmed from his head," one insider says. "That head has got to go."It is rare for a presidential candidate to replace a prominent body part this late in a campaign, but with polls showing a tightening race, the feeling in the Gore camp is that such a high-risk move is necessary."Could we continue to run with the head that we've got? Absolutely. Could we win with that head? Absolutely not," a Gore aide says. "We need the Vice President to have a head that will give him the best chance to win."With poll numbers showing Texas Governor George W. Bush surging ahead of Gore among male voters,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Monday Night Milosevic

    When Serbian strongman Slobodan Milosevic was recently ousted from power, he vowed to make a speedy comeback--but few observers of the international political scene could have predicted the venue for such a return to prominence: the broadcast booth of ABC's "Monday Night Football."Television industry insiders were surprised that ABC Sports, which had been heavily criticized for its selection of comedian Dennis Miller to join the "MNF" troika, would again elect to make a risky hire for its prized Monday night franchise. But, publicly at least, network insiders were enthusiastic about the Milosevic move."Slobbo just blew us away with his audition," one 'MNF' staffer said. "His chemistry with Al Michaels was incredible, especially when you consider that he was speaking entirely in Serbian or whatever."ABC sources said that audience research focus groups vindicated their confidence in the disgraced Serbian dictator as the newest member of the "MNF" team. "Even with the language barrier...
  • Madonna To Be Icky For Decades, Experts Say

    Flying in the face of earlier predictions that motherhood and aging would make her less icky, a new study released today indicates that pop star Madonna will continue to be icky for decades to come. The former "Material Girl"--whose latest video, "Music," shows her dressed in pimp-like attire and cavorting with female strippers in the back of a sleazy limo--had been expected to become less icky after giving birth and turning forty. Given that her latest incarnation is her ickiest ever, however, experts in the field of ickiness research now believe that Madonna may only be growing ickier with age.The study, published today in The Journal of the Institute for the Study of Icky Celebrities, compared Madonna's ickiness with that of other celebrities known for being icky, such as Carmen Electra, Charlie Sheen, and Joe Piscopo. Madonna's ickiness rating was "off the charts," said one source close to the Institute."We thought nothing could be ickier than that video she did ten years ago...
  • Gore Denounces Violent Breakfast Cereals

    In the hotly contested battleground state of Ohio, Vice President Al Gore slammed America's breakfast cereal manufacturers, telling a partisan crowd, "Breakfast is the most violent meal of the day."Gore charged cereal producers with knowingly marketing their cereals to youngsters-cereals that contain barely concealed violent messages. "You don't have to be an expert to know that 'Snap, Crackle, Pop" are a subliminal version of gunfire and explosions," Gore told his audience. "The cereal manufacturers are playing tricks with our children, and I'm here to say, these tricks are not for kids."While Gore stopped short of insisting on censorship for the controversial cereals, he did warn the manufacturers that noisy, violent breakfast cereals are not protected by the First Amendment. He also criticized such cereal pitchmen as Tony the Tiger, the Cocoa Puffs Cuckoo and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun for being "poor role models.""That leprechaun seems to be saying, it's perfectly all right to...
  • Networks Cancel Fall Tv Season

    In an unprecedented move that may permanently alter the business of broadcast television, the major networks announced today that they will cancel the entire fall season, effective immediately.While many in the entertainment industry say they are surprised by the networks' bold stroke, the heads of the entertainment divisions of ABC, CBS, and NBC left little doubt as to why they took such an extreme measure. "All of the new shows really, really stink," says one network spokesman. "We were going to cancel them all eventually, so we kind of decided, 'hey, why not just get it out of the way now?' "Wall Street immediately hailed the move, sending the stocks of the broadcasting giants soaring. "This move will put to rest a lot of fears about the new shows," says one analyst who tracks the network business. "We had seen the pilots for all of the new programs, and, quite frankly, they really stunk up the joint."The horrible new shows were a dreary collection of dramas about doctors,...
  • 'Survivor' Champion In Presidential Bid

    The tightening race for the Presidency received an unexpected curveball today as "Survivor" champion Richard Hatch announced his candidacy for the White House.Hatch, dressed only in a thong and surrounded by flaming tiki torches, told reporters in Washington that he would forgo matching funds and instead use his "Survivor" winnings to finance what he called "the most negative, manipulative, back-stabbing political campaign in history.""I will prevail," Hatch bluntly predicted.It was not immediately known what Hatch planned to do about a running mate, but sources close to the frequently naked candidate said that he had already put together a short list of vice-presidential possibilities, both of whom he met on the "Survivor" island: aspiring actor Gervase and former Navy Seal, Rudy.Gervase, when asked about his potential candidacy, said he would accept the nomination "if it would lead to more auditions." The perennially ornery Rudy would not speculate on his chances of his being...
  • Every Tire Ever Made Recalled

    Travelers across the country and around the world were stranded today as the major tire companies recalled every single tire ever made.Saying that the tires were a threat to all living things, manufacturers sent telegrams to every tire owner on earth, telling them to return their tires at once. Efforts to deliver the telegrams were hampered by the fact that Western Union trucks no longer had tires on them, sources reported.The drastic move may have significant ramifications for the profits of tire, rubber and wheel manufacturers. It is also expected to result in a marked increase in the number of people who walk to places.In a separate development, a government report released today said that tire ownership was more dangerous than smoking, obesity, and certain rodeo and circus tricks. Congressional sources indicated that a legislative move to ban tires permanently may be on the agenda when Congress reconvenes this autumn.The two presidential nominees were quick to comment on the...