Andy Borowitz

Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • The Borowitz Report: Michael Jordan Announces Comeback, Retirement And Yet Another Comeback

    In an announcement that stunned the world of professional basketball, NBA legend Michael Jordan told reporters today that he intends to make a comeback, then retire again and then make yet another comeback."I still have a lot of basketball left in me," Jordan said at a press conference at Washington's Hay-Adams Hotel. "But after playing two more years' worth of basketball, I will no longer have any basketball left in me and I will retire once again."Before reporters could ask any questions, Jordan continued. "At that point, I will want to spend more time with my family," he said. "There are other things in life besides basketball."Many reporters at the press conference assumed that Jordan's prepared remarks were over and began to shout questions at the basketball giant, but Jordan had more to say."However, after spending a couple of years with my family, I will find that I no longer want to spend so much time with them, because I will realize that I still have a lot more basketball...
  • The Borowitz Report: Sony's Latest Bombshell:

    Coming on the heels of its admission that it concocted a fictitious reviewer to rave about its films and used studio employees to gush about them in TV ads, Sony Pictures revealed today that no real people have attended any Sony-produced films for well over five years. "No actual person bought tickets to any of our movies," says a Sony marketing executive "because the movies we released were very, very bad."Red-faced Sony executives admit that Sony productions like "The Patriot" and "Charlie's Angels" only achieved their record grosses as a result of Sony staffers attending them round-the-clock. One worker in the Sony Pictures cafeteria was paid by Sony to see the David Spade vehicle "Joe Dirt" well over 600 times, the executives say."It's all about creating a buzz," a marketing executive says. "We thought that if we paid our employees to go watch our moves, maybe some real people would buy tickets, too. Hey, if it had worked, everyone would be calling us geniuses now."Under attack...
  • The Borowitz Report: A New Report Rates Bush The Greatest U.S. President Ever

    A new report released today has named President George W. Bush the "greatest president in U.S. history," topping perennial favorites such as George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Thomas Jefferson."His keen intelligence, dogged work ethic and encyclopedic knowledge of international affairs and domestic issues put President Bush way at the top of the list," says the report, which is sure to give a much-appreciated shot in the arm to the Bush White House."President Bush is doing a really, really good job," the report goes on to say.The report appears in this month's issue of Sarcasm: The Journal of Sarcastic Articles, published by the Sarcastic Institute of America in Bethesda, Md.The report, penned by historian I.M. Kidding, praised President Bush for his handling of the Chinese spy-plane episode, his advocacy of arsenic as an ingredient in drinking water and what Kidding referred to as his "savvy brinkmanship and diplomacy in his dealings with Sen. Jim Jeffords.""For all of these...
  • The Borowitz Report: War Of Words Escalates Between Ford And Firestone

    The rhetorical battle between the Ford Motor Co. and the Firestone tire company reached a new level of acrimony today when a spokesman for Ford called Firestone "a bunch of egregious jerks.""When you look at how Firestone has been acting lately, it's really jerky," a spokesman for Ford told reporters. "They are, like, a bunch of egregious jerks."Firestone immediately fired back with a statement of its own. "Oh, so we're jerks?" a Firestone spokesman said. "I guess it takes one to know one!"Reporters asked the Firestone spokesman if he was surprised by the severity of the Ford spokesman's attack. "Nothing that butthead says surprises me anymore," the Firestone spokesman said.For his part, the Ford spokesman took issue with being called a "butthead" by the Firestone spokesman. "You tell him to come over here and say that to me," the Ford spokesman said. "I'll kick the crap out of him."The Firestone spokesman, however, was unfazed by the latest threat from the Ford spokesman. "Yeah,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Disney To Spend An Additional $145 Million On 'Pearl Harbor'

    Buoyed by the Memorial Day Weekend box-office returns for its $145 million blockbuster "Pearl Harbor," the Walt Disney Co. announced today that it would spend an additional $145 million dollars on an "enhanced edition" of the film that will be "longer, louder and dumber" than the original version. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: The United States Of Halliburton?

    In a move that his supporters are calling his boldest to date, President George W. Bush today advocated a merger between the United States of America and the Halliburton Co., one of the world's largest oil-producing concerns. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: What's Our Motivation?

    Plans to stage a Screen Actors' Guild strike this summer appeared to be in jeopardy after a rancorous union meeting last night in which scores of Hollywood actors demanded to know their "motivation" for striking. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Laura Bush Accidentally Throws Out Bill Of Rights

    First Lady Laura Bush, a former librarian who is described by those who know her as a "neat freak," lived up to her reputation this week by accidentally throwing out the original copy of the Bill of Rights in the National Archives, the White House revealed today. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Greenspan Runs Out On The Check At Sizzler

    The stock market, already roiled by reports of flagging consumer confidence and disappointing corporate earnings, received another blow today when it was revealed that Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan had run out of a Sizzler restaurant in Manhattan Beach, Calif., last Saturday without paying his tab. ...
  • The Borowitz Report: Big Snowball Threatens Northeast

    A well-packed snowball measuring as much as four inches in diameter pounded a mailbox in Burlington, Vt., early this morning in what some meteorologists are calling one of the most savage winter snowball events in decades. ...
  • Eminem, Barney To Perform Duet At Next Year's Grammys

    Rapper Eminem will perform a duet with Barney the Purple Dinosaur at next year's Grammy Awards, recording industry sources revealed today. Producers of next year's telecast indicated that the rapper and the dinosaur would most likely join forces on Barney's hit song, "I Love You, You Love Me."Children's advocacy groups immediately blasted Eminem for agreeing to share the stage with the controversial dinosaur, whose odious, insipid songs are anathema to parents across the country, especially those who have to take long car trips with small children."By singing a duet with Barney, Eminem is sending a message to kids everywhere that he approves of Barney's so-called 'music,' " said Karen Curland of the Children's Music Advocacy Project, one of the most virulently anti-Barney groups in the country. "This can only result in more and more kids singing along with Barney at the top of their lungs while their parents are trying to find a parking space at the mall."Recording-industry insiders...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush's Interior Secretary Is Really A James Bond Villain

    Bush administration officials were red-faced today at the news that newly appointed Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton was actually Ernst Stavro Blofeld-the longtime archnemesis of Agent 007 James Bond-in disguise."We had no idea that Gale Norton was the head of S.P.E.C.T.R.E. when we nominated her for the Interior post," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card told reporters. "Having said that, we still believe that Gale, or Blofeld as we now call her, will do a splendid job."Norton breezed through her confirmation hearings despite the strenuous objection of environmental groups. Her cool responses to senators' questions about oil drilling in the Alaskan wilderness failed to raise suspicions that she might be one of the deadliest supervillains on the planet. "I guess hindsight is always 20-20," says Sen. Joseph Lieberman, "but in retrospect, it kind of bothered me that she was stroking that white cat in her lap during the hearings."According to Dr. James O'Shaunessy of Edinburgh...
  • ?Joyce Dewitt Virus? Harms Almost No Computers, Experts Say

    An Internet virus masquerading as a sexy picture of former “Three’s Company” starlet Joyce DeWitt did not have its intended destructive result when few, if any, of its targeted victims worldwide even opened the e-mail message. The message, with a subject line reading “Sexy Hot Joyce DeWitt,” was deleted almost immediately by computer users around the world, Internet experts say.“Our reports are showing that few of the people who saw the e-mail message in their inbox remembered who Joyce DeWitt was,” says Mark Schenkman, an Internet security expert in Tallahassee, Fla. “Of those who did remember her, few wanted to see sexy hot pictures of her.”DeWitt, who appeared on the popular “Three’s Company” series from 1976 to 1984, played the role of Janet, the plain, man-hungry counterpart to Suzanne Somers’ blonde bombshell Chrissy. DeWitt was an unlikely choice to front a destructive e-mail virus, computer experts say.“Whoever chose her screwed up big time,”Schenkman says. “I always had a...
  • Steven Soderbergh Wins Nobel Peace Prize

    Film director Steven Soderbergh has won the 2001 Nobel Peace Prize for his work on the films "Traffic" and "Erin Brockovich," Nobel Committee Chairman Francis Sejerstad announced in Oslo, Norway today.The Oslo win is significant, Hollywood insiders say, because it makes Soderbergh the prohibitive favorite to win this year's Oscar for Best Director. "It's highly unusual for a director to win the Nobel Peace Prize and then come up empty on Oscar night," says Buddy Hogan, a longtime studio publicist at MGM.Additionally, winning the coveted Oslo prize will no doubt give a significant boost to the films' already-impressive box-office tallies. "I can sum up the effect of a Nobel Peace Prize in two words: ka-ching, ka-ching," Hogan says.The awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to director Soderbergh came as a surprise to many in international peace circles, since the director had not been involved in furthering the peace process in any region of the world last year. In spite of that, last...
  • Clinton?s Final To-Do List

    President Clinton, determined to use his presidential power until the last possible moment, plans to establish relations with Carmen Electra, insiders have learned.The Electra decision was included on a hand-scrawled ???to-do??? list on an official presidential memo pad found on President Clinton???s desk, according to a cleaning woman familiar with the memo pad. The rest of the list reads as follows:Sign executive order for U.S. Mint to produce Clinton nickel Approve exploratory drilling of Linda Tripp???s head Quadruple pension benefits for all veterans at the Commander-in-Chief level or higher Conduct bombing raid on Henry Hyde Push through tax credits for unemployed spouses of U.S. Senators Name Vernon Jordan ???Golf Czar??? For old times??? sake, fire White House travel office again Grant amnesty for non-payment of legal bills up to seven million dollars Have cable company disconnect Spice Channel from Oval Office Order immediate price freeze on McDonald???s Super Value Meals...
  • The Borowitz Report: Gore Votes Found In Jeb Bush's Pants

    Just as George W. Bush's path to the White House seemed assured by victory in the U.S. Supreme Court, the nation was stunned to learn that 538 votes for Vice President Al Gore had been found stuffed in Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's pants.The Governor, who had recused himself in the Florida recounts because he is the brother of the Republican nominee, was giving a speech to the Young Republican Club of Tallahassee when audience members noticed paper ballots falling out of his right pant leg. As 538 Gore ballots--enough to put Al Gore ahead in the Florida race by a margin of one vote--cascaded to the ground, Gov. Bush exclaimed, "Holy cow, how did those get in there?"Democratic operatives were not inclined to accept Gov. Bush's surprised reaction at face value, claiming instead that the Florida Governor intentionally stuffed the crucial votes in his pants on election night."I was busy counting votes in Seminole County when the Governor kind of snuck up behind me and said, 'Looky there, it's...
  • Is It Time To Recruit Guest Presidents?

    With legal challenges from both the Bush and Gore camps threatening to prolong the Florida recount until at least 2004, Congressional leaders are proposing that the White House be filled with celebrity 'guest-presidents' until then, sources say.Drawn from the ranks of high-profile singers, actors, and sports figures, the guest presidents would each serve as leader of the Free World for a one-week term. They would be empowered to veto legislation, pardon felons and name Supreme Court Justices.Sources familiar with the proposal say that a guest president would not be permitted to declare war, but would be allowed to order bombing strikes on Sadaam Hussein.Additionally, a guest president would not be expected to do anything about Social Security, crime or homelessness--"just like a real President," one source says.While Congressional insiders deny the existence of a short list of celebrities who might be tapped to serve as guest president, the Washington rumor mill placed actor Andy...
  • Hillary Clinton Names Self President

    With the presidential contest too close to call, Senator-elect Hillary Clinton has taken the unusual measure of naming herself the 43rd president of the United States."While I have loved being in the United States Senate for the last few hours, the needs of my country must come first," the sleep-deprived First Lady said to a stunned audience in New York early Wednesday morning. "And so, my fellow Americans, I generously offer myself as your next president."While constitutional scholars differed as to whether Mrs. Clinton had the right to name herself the country's next president, aides to the history-making First Lady argued that her ascension to the White House made sense. "She's going to save the country tons of money in relocation expenses, because all of her junk is already there," said one aide. "Plus, she's already got stationery and stuff like that."For her own part, Mrs. Clinton argued that neither Vice President Al Gore nor Texas Gov. George W. Bush was as qualified to be...
  • The Borowitz Report: Bush Tops Chimp In Latest I.Q. Test

    With a less than a week to go before the 2000 presidential election, Texas Governor George W. Bush outscored a laboratory chimp in a scientifically conducted I.Q. test, aides to the Republican nominee revealed today."Not only is Governor Bush smarter than a chimp, he's a whole lot smarter," Bush advisor Ted Grundig told reporters in a hastily called press conference. "These I.Q. test results should put to rest, once and for all, any question about the Governor's fitness to be commander-in-chief."The tests took place in a controlled environment at a laboratory in Princeton, New Jersey, Bush aides said. The Texas Governor arrived with two sharpened No. 2 pencils and faced off for three hours against a chimp named Bongo. Highlighting the impressiveness of Governor Bush's victory, sources close to the Bush camp claim that Bongo is one of the smartest chimps in America. "The Governor didn't beat just any chimp, he beat a truly outstanding chimp," one aide says, adding that Bush outscored...
  • The Record: Russian Relations

    Al Gore's hands-on experience in shaping U.S. foreign policy was supposed to be an advantage in his race for the White House. The vice president's campaign staff believed that his unusually active role--particularly as the U.S. chair of a commission on Russia's economic transition--would underscore thecandidate's expertise while highlighting George W. Bush's weaknesses. The problemfor Gore: things haven't quite gone according to plan.Instead of being praised for his work with the commission's co-chair, former Russian Prime Minister Viktor S. Chernomyrdin, Republicans are accusing Gore of negotiating secret deals that flouted American laws and allowed Russia to continue selling arms to Iran. They also charge that he undermined Washington policy towards Moscow, turned a blind eye to Russian corruption and missed opportunities to stabilize the country's collapsing economy.But are these fair criticisms? Or are they Republican red herrings intended to distract Gore--and the voters--in...
  • The Borowitz Report: Gore Accuses Bush Of 'Letting The Dogs Out'

    In his most blistering attack to date in the 2000 presidential contest, Vice President Al Gore has accused George W. Bush of "letting the dogs out" while Governor of Texas.In a campaign stop in the crucial swing state of Michigan, Gore made it clear that he was prepared to make the canine-release controversy a central issue in the waning days of Campaign 2000. "During the last six years in Texas, many dogs have been let out--on Governor Bush's watch," Gore told a partisan crowd at a Dearborn middle school. "I call on Governor Bush to answer this question, honestly and completely: who let the dogs out?"Governor Bush, campaigning in Gore's home state of Tennessee, was quick to dispute the Vice President's accusations. "I want to say to my opponent, come down to Texas and see what's been going on," Bush told a gathering of supporters at a Chattanooga truck stop. "We haven't been letting dogs out, we've been cutting taxes and executing folks."There is some dispute as to how many dogs...
  • The Borowitz Report: Aides Ponder Replacing Gore's Head

    With his campaign flagging after lackluster performances in the presidential debates, aides to Vice President Gore are advocating a surgical procedure that would replace their candidate's head with a more appealing one, sources close to the Gore campaign say."We took a look at his debate appearances and saw that all of the problems--the sighing, the high-handedness, the inconsistent statements--stemmed from his head," one insider says. "That head has got to go."It is rare for a presidential candidate to replace a prominent body part this late in a campaign, but with polls showing a tightening race, the feeling in the Gore camp is that such a high-risk move is necessary."Could we continue to run with the head that we've got? Absolutely. Could we win with that head? Absolutely not," a Gore aide says. "We need the Vice President to have a head that will give him the best chance to win."With poll numbers showing Texas Governor George W. Bush surging ahead of Gore among male voters,...
  • The Borowitz Report: Monday Night Milosevic

    When Serbian strongman Slobodan Milosevic was recently ousted from power, he vowed to make a speedy comeback--but few observers of the international political scene could have predicted the venue for such a return to prominence: the broadcast booth of ABC's "Monday Night Football."Television industry insiders were surprised that ABC Sports, which had been heavily criticized for its selection of comedian Dennis Miller to join the "MNF" troika, would again elect to make a risky hire for its prized Monday night franchise. But, publicly at least, network insiders were enthusiastic about the Milosevic move."Slobbo just blew us away with his audition," one 'MNF' staffer said. "His chemistry with Al Michaels was incredible, especially when you consider that he was speaking entirely in Serbian or whatever."ABC sources said that audience research focus groups vindicated their confidence in the disgraced Serbian dictator as the newest member of the "MNF" team. "Even with the language barrier...
  • Madonna To Be Icky For Decades, Experts Say

    Flying in the face of earlier predictions that motherhood and aging would make her less icky, a new study released today indicates that pop star Madonna will continue to be icky for decades to come. The former "Material Girl"--whose latest video, "Music," shows her dressed in pimp-like attire and cavorting with female strippers in the back of a sleazy limo--had been expected to become less icky after giving birth and turning forty. Given that her latest incarnation is her ickiest ever, however, experts in the field of ickiness research now believe that Madonna may only be growing ickier with age.The study, published today in The Journal of the Institute for the Study of Icky Celebrities, compared Madonna's ickiness with that of other celebrities known for being icky, such as Carmen Electra, Charlie Sheen, and Joe Piscopo. Madonna's ickiness rating was "off the charts," said one source close to the Institute."We thought nothing could be ickier than that video she did ten years ago...
  • Gore Denounces Violent Breakfast Cereals

    In the hotly contested battleground state of Ohio, Vice President Al Gore slammed America's breakfast cereal manufacturers, telling a partisan crowd, "Breakfast is the most violent meal of the day."Gore charged cereal producers with knowingly marketing their cereals to youngsters-cereals that contain barely concealed violent messages. "You don't have to be an expert to know that 'Snap, Crackle, Pop" are a subliminal version of gunfire and explosions," Gore told his audience. "The cereal manufacturers are playing tricks with our children, and I'm here to say, these tricks are not for kids."While Gore stopped short of insisting on censorship for the controversial cereals, he did warn the manufacturers that noisy, violent breakfast cereals are not protected by the First Amendment. He also criticized such cereal pitchmen as Tony the Tiger, the Cocoa Puffs Cuckoo and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun for being "poor role models.""That leprechaun seems to be saying, it's perfectly all right to...