Andy Borowitz

Stories by Andy Borowitz

  • Networks Cancel Fall Tv Season

    In an unprecedented move that may permanently alter the business of broadcast television, the major networks announced today that they will cancel the entire fall season, effective immediately.While many in the entertainment industry say they are surprised by the networks' bold stroke, the heads of the entertainment divisions of ABC, CBS, and NBC left little doubt as to why they took such an extreme measure. "All of the new shows really, really stink," says one network spokesman. "We were going to cancel them all eventually, so we kind of decided, 'hey, why not just get it out of the way now?' "Wall Street immediately hailed the move, sending the stocks of the broadcasting giants soaring. "This move will put to rest a lot of fears about the new shows," says one analyst who tracks the network business. "We had seen the pilots for all of the new programs, and, quite frankly, they really stunk up the joint."The horrible new shows were a dreary collection of dramas about doctors,...
  • 'Survivor' Champion In Presidential Bid

    The tightening race for the Presidency received an unexpected curveball today as "Survivor" champion Richard Hatch announced his candidacy for the White House.Hatch, dressed only in a thong and surrounded by flaming tiki torches, told reporters in Washington that he would forgo matching funds and instead use his "Survivor" winnings to finance what he called "the most negative, manipulative, back-stabbing political campaign in history.""I will prevail," Hatch bluntly predicted.It was not immediately known what Hatch planned to do about a running mate, but sources close to the frequently naked candidate said that he had already put together a short list of vice-presidential possibilities, both of whom he met on the "Survivor" island: aspiring actor Gervase and former Navy Seal, Rudy.Gervase, when asked about his potential candidacy, said he would accept the nomination "if it would lead to more auditions." The perennially ornery Rudy would not speculate on his chances of his being...
  • Every Tire Ever Made Recalled

    Travelers across the country and around the world were stranded today as the major tire companies recalled every single tire ever made.Saying that the tires were a threat to all living things, manufacturers sent telegrams to every tire owner on earth, telling them to return their tires at once. Efforts to deliver the telegrams were hampered by the fact that Western Union trucks no longer had tires on them, sources reported.The drastic move may have significant ramifications for the profits of tire, rubber and wheel manufacturers. It is also expected to result in a marked increase in the number of people who walk to places.In a separate development, a government report released today said that tire ownership was more dangerous than smoking, obesity, and certain rodeo and circus tricks. Congressional sources indicated that a legislative move to ban tires permanently may be on the agenda when Congress reconvenes this autumn.The two presidential nominees were quick to comment on the...

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