The Borowitz Report: Win a Flu Shot

The stakes in reality television were raised this week when the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced that it will produce a new television program in which the winning contestant receives the ultimate prize: a flu shot.In announcing the new program, which has already attracted thousands of wannabe contestants, Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy G. Thompson said, "Rather than sitting around whining about not having enough flu shots, we were like, this could be an awesome show."Calling the program "a cross between 'Survivor' and 'The Apprentice,'" Thompson said that the contestants will perform tasks in the Oval Office at the behest of President George W. Bush, who will eliminate a contestant each week with the following parting shot: "If you want a flu shot, try Canada, loser."Describing the tasks, Thompson said, "They will mainly be reading memos about the environment and other junk that the president doesn't want to look at."In other health news, reports...

The Borowitz Report: Florida to Vote by Show of Hands

Attempting to head off the kind of voting irregularities that threw the 2000 election into chaos, Florida voting officials announced today that the state's presidential contest would be determined by a "show of hands."In a statewide address broadcast on live television this morning, Florida Secretary of State Glenda Hood instructed all Florida voters to start heading for a vacant trailer park on the outskirts of Tampa where the official show of hands will take place.While acknowledging that a show of hands was an unorthodox way for Florida to determine who will receive the state's 27 electoral votes, Hood said the move became necessary after it was discovered late last week that the state had lost the instruction manual for its controversial Diebold electronic voting machines.An early test of the machines last Wednesday set off alarms among voting officials when the electronic tally showed conservative commentator Pat Buchanan winning the state with 87 percent of the vote, despite...

The Borowitz Report: It's All His Fault

The scorched-earth presidential campaign took a particularly nasty turn today as Vice President Dick Cheney blamed Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry for the box-office bomb "Gigli," warning that a sequel to the Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez turkey might be released if the senator is elected.Cheney has crisscrossed the country in recent days warning that a Kerry victory might bring increases in domestic terrorism and national security catastrophes, but the "Gigli" charges represent a new intensity in Cheney's partisan attacks.Speaking before a crowd in Davenport, Iowa, Cheney said, "In all of his public statements, Sen. Kerry has yet to identify 'Gigli' as one of the worst films of all time, and one can only conclude that he wouldn't mind at all if there was a sequel."Drawing a sharp contrast with Kerry, the vice president said that the Bush White House was "working overtime to make sure that another 'Gigli' does not happen."Cheney's words seem designed to win over voters in...

The Borowitz Report: Bin Laden No Longer Knows Where He Is

The White House claimed a major victory in the war on terror today when Al Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden revealed that he no longer knows where he is.Bin Laden, appearing on a tape broadcast by the Arabic-language Al Jazeera network, said that he had not known his location for months and blamed his current predicament on the Internet mapping site Mapquest.com. "Those Mapquest fools provided me with a map that is next to useless," a visibly angry bin Laden says on the tape. "All it tells me is where the nearest Applebee's is."Bin Laden says that everywhere he looks there are rocks and caves but "none of them look familiar." At the tape's conclusion, he makes a desperate plea to his followers in Al Qaeda: "If you have any idea where I am right now, please let me know at once."The bombshell tape served as a morale-booster for many in the U.S. intelligence community since, in the words of one CIA source, "The fact that we don't know where Osama is isn't so embarrassing when you consider...

The Borowitz Report: 'Mission Accomplished'

President George W. Bush notched his first debate victory early Sunday morning, winning handily in a fourth presidential debate that was kept secret from his Democratic rival, Sen. John Kerry.The debate, which was held at 2 AM Sunday morning in the basement of the White House and moderated by Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly, was a must-win affair in the eyes of the Bush campaign strategists who planned it."We knew that we needed to win at least one debate going into November," said Bush strategist Karl Rove. "Mission accomplished."While aides to Kerry howled that the debate did not count since their candidate was kept totally in the dark about its time and place, Rove said, "They can spin this any way they want, but a win is a win."The White House today released a videotape of the president's triumphal fourth debate, showing Bush gesturing towards an empty podium with Kerry nowhere in sight."Looks like my opponent didn't make it today," a smirking Bush says on the tape. "I guess...

The Borowitz Report: Election Canceled

With just three weeks to go until Election Day, the Federal Election Commission stunned the political world today by announcing that the election would be canceled and that a focus group of nine voters in Ohio would pick the nation's next president instead.The focus group, consisting of four men and five women, are expected to convene every day between now and Nov. 2 with electrodes glued to key regions of their bodies to measure their every response to President George W. Bush and Sen. John Kerry.While reaction to the FEC's move was mixed, one election official in Florida praised the decision to cancel the vote: "This is kind of a relief, because we tested our new electronic voting machines last week and none of them really worked."Moments after the FEC's announcement, the two candidates pulled their political ads from every state but Ohio and started tailoring their messages to appeal to the nine all-important focus group members.At a rally outside the building where the focus...

The Borowitz Report: Debates For Dummies

In what some political insiders are calling an attempt to lower expectations in the days leading up to the first presidential debate, the White House today announced that President George W. Bush has an IQ of 67."The president is far, far less intelligent than is commonly thought," White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters. "Even the simplest tasks remain well beyond his reach."Reinforcing the impression that the president will be overmatched in Thursday's debate with Sen. John Kerry, McClellan showed reporters never-before-seen footage of Bush oafishly tumbling from his mountain bike."What a moron," McClellan said.The White House spokesman said that Bush cannot possibly be expected to do well in a debate with Kerry, who McClellan said "has an IQ of 193" and "is widely considered the best debater on the planet."But within minutes of the White House press conference, Kerry spokesman Joe Lockhart fired back, telling reporters, "John Kerry is much stupider than he looks."As...

The Borowitz Report: It's Not Over Yet?

Citing the persistent bickering over Vietnam in the current U.S. presidential campaign, the president of that Southeast Asian country today asked the United States government for "official confirmation" that the Vietnam War is over."We were pretty sure that the war was over," said President Tran Duc Luong, "but we thought it wouldn't hurt to check."Luong's request could put George W. Bush in an awkward position, because if the president confirms that the war is over he could leave himself open to charges that he is merely trying to avoid fighting in it.Indeed, after a reporter at a campaign rally today asked Bush if the war in Vietnam had concluded, Bush set his jaw and replied, "Not on my watch."Moments after Bush suggested that the Vietnam War might in fact still be going on, Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly applied for an historic sixth draft deferment.Democratic challenger John Kerry, while not saying outright that he would fight in the Vietnam War if it is not over,...

The Borowitz Report: A Kerry-Driven Apocalypse?

Vice President Dick Cheney made his most dire remarks to date about a November victory by Democratic nominee John Kerry, saying that the French seer Nostradamus warned that Mr. Kerry's election would signal the end of the world."Nostradamus made it quite clear that John Kerry's election would be followed shortly thereafter by the end of the universe," Cheney soberly informed his audience at an Akron, Ohio, rally yesterday. "So if you want the world to end, John Kerry is your man."Cheney added that if Kerry were elected, "Rather than seeing the world come to an end I would put the world out of its misery by destroying it myself."While Cheney's warnings about a Kerry win have grown increasingly grim in recent days, his claim that Nostradamus (1503-1566) predicted a Kerry-driven apocalypse was extraordinary, even by the standards of today's heated political rhetoric.But hours after the vice president issued his latest warning, the Nostradamus prediction was powerfully discredited by a...

The Borowitz Report: Kerry Changes Tie

Responding to calls from Democratic Party insiders to shake up his listless campaign for president, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) today changed his tie. According to those in Kerry's inner circle, the senator believes that his new neckwear could close the widening gap in the polls between him and President George W. Bush."Bush got a nice bounce coming out of his convention," Kerry reportedly told his campaign aides, "but just wait 'til the voters get a load of this new tie!" The new cravat, a satin and twill model from Brooks Brothers, will replace his old one, a classic repp tie, also from Brooks Brothers.Some Democratic insiders were harshly critical of Kerry's decision to change ties, arguing that the move fell far short of the wholesale shake-up they had been hoping for. Heightening their concern was the Kerry campaign's decision not to debut the new tie with a nationwide media blitz but rather to roll it out cautiously in selected battleground states over the next few weeks. "If you...

The Borowitz Report: But What About Me?

Independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader today blasted the Republican Party for holding its convention this week, charging that the G.O.P. was recklessly taking a week off from working on his campaign. "At a time when the Republicans should be working overtime, collecting signatures to make sure that I am on the ballot, they are partying hearty in New York," Nader said."The Republicans had promised me that getting my name on the ballot was job one," he added. "Clearly, they have lost sight of their true mission."But Bush strategist Karl Rove disputed Nader's charges, telling reporters that while the Republicans are meeting in New York, detainees at Guantanamo Bay are busily manning a phone bank, urging voters in key swing states to put Nader's name on the ballot."A lot of folks don't think we're capable of doing two things well at the same time, but we keep proving them wrong," Rove said. "Look at Iraq and Afghanistan."At his press conference, Nader was flanked by his family,...

The Borowitz Report: Taking Liberties--Sometimes

Attorney General John Ashcroft announced today that he was considering a "partial reinstatement" of the Bill of Rights, reversing his long-held opposition to reinstating them in any form.The Attorney General said that the partial re-opening of the Statue of Liberty had inspired him to consider a partial reinstatement of the first 10 amendments to the U.S. Constitution which, except for the right to bear arms, have been suspended since the first year of the Bush administration."Much like Lady Liberty, the Bill of Rights is an American institution which a lot of our citizens, rightly or wrongly, have a sentimental attachment to," Ashcroft said. "They should be permitted to visit those rights from time to time."Under Ashcroft's plan, such long-suspended rights as freedom of speech would be in effect Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 10 until 5.He said that such other rights as freedom of assembly would not be reinstated, but might be brought back as a "premium service" of the...

The Borowitz Report: GOP Questions Kerry's Hamster Heroism

A mass e-mail from the Republican National Committee is questioning whether or not Democratic nominee John Kerry actually saved his daughter Alexandra's pet hamster, Licorice, from drowning during a family boating trip as she has claimed he did.The e-mail, with a subject line reading "Kerry Hamster Story --We Smell a Rat," was sent to more than 2,000 news outlets just hours after Alexandra Kerry charmed the Democratic national convention with her tale of the Senator's hamster heroism.In the e-mail message, the GOP quotes an unnamed witness who claims that not only did Kerry not save the rodent's life, but he may have actually been responsible for its premature demise.According to the witness, Licorice was "breathing normally" when Kerry pounced on the hamster and administered "unnecessarily forceful CPR" in an over-the-top bid to appear heroic, breaking several of the hamster's ribs and puncturing its left lung.Speaking at a campaign stop in Flint, Michigan, Kerry defended his...

The Borowitz Report: License to Read

In the wake of the 9/11 commission's publication of its official report, President Bush proposed that a new commission be empanelled to read the 567-page document "immediately.""This report contains information of urgent importance to the American people," Bush told reporters at the White House."And so, I am recommending that we establish a commission to start reading this very, very long book as soon as possible."While stopping short of naming possible candidates for such a panel, Mr. Bush said that the commissioners should represent both parties and "know what a lot of long words mean."After finishing reading the book, Mr. Bush said, the panel would then publish a "Cliffs Notes" edition of the book "to enable those who don't have the time to read the entire book to sound like they read it."Mr. Bush said he was "eager to read" such an abridged version of the report, adding that he would get to it as soon as he was finished reading "My Pet Goat." But even as Mr. Bush proposed a...

The Borowitz Report: Bush Seeks Gay Makeover Ban

President George W. Bush today said that he would seek a constitutional amendment banning so-called "queer eye" or gay makeovers in an effort to protect the institution of heterosexual makeovers in America."Our country was founded on the principle of women making over the slobs they date and marry," Bush told a Republican rally in Erie, Pennsylvania today. "Only a constitutional amendment can protect the sanctity of those traditional makeovers."Bush said that a disturbing increase in the number of men seeking manicures or using professional salon products in their hair indicated that the time had come for an amendment banning gay makeovers.While some Republican insiders believe that a ban on gay makeovers could be an effective wedge issue in the fall election, others fear that it could energize angry metrosexuals, who marched today en masse in Washington.Police estimated that over twenty thousand metrosexuals marched down Pennsylvania Avenue, stopping every 500 yards or so to apply...

The Borowitz Report: Most Voters Believe Kerry is Not Bush

In a new poll released today, a majority of voters supporting Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) for president agreed with the statement, "He is not George Bush."The poll results seem to indicate that Mr. Kerry's status as someone who is not President Bush is pivotal to his appeal among those who support him. Of those surveyed, 98 percent said they believed that John Kerry was not George Bush, with a scant 2 percent answering "Don't know."Asked to name the issue that concerned them most, 9 percent of Kerry voters named "improving the economy," 12 percent named "fighting terrorism," and a whopping 79percent named "electing someone who is not George Bush.""With weeks to go until our convention, it's significant that so many voters already believe that John Kerry is not George Bush," said Kerry strategist Bob Shrum. "Once our ad buys get underway, we expect the number of people believing John Kerry is not George Bush will only increase."Perhaps in response to the poll results, the Bush campaign...

The Borowitz Report: Michael Moore Wins Tour de France

The Gallic love-fest for filmmaker Michael Moore reached its apogee today as Moore snagged a controversial first-place finish in this year's Tour de France.The stunning victory for Moore in the world's most famous bicycle race was particularly surprising because the moviemaker is not known to have ever owned or even climbed upon a bicycle in his entire life.But what made the win truly controversial was the fact that the Tour de France was not scheduled to begin until next month."In recognition of Mr. Moore's contributions to the world of cinema and to the world in general, we felt it was only fair to give him a month's head start," said Tour de France spokesman Jean-luc Bourdieu. "Vive Michael Moore!"But to five-time Tour de France winning cyclist Lance Armstrong, Moore's victory in this year's contest was no cause for celebration, as Armstrong told reporters today he "seriously doubted" that the easily-winded director had actually pedaled his way to the finish line."I don't know...

The Borowitz Report: Nader Seeks Presidency of Iraq

Two weeks after Sheikh Ghazi al-Yawar was selected as the interim president of Iraq, Ralph Nader announced that he would launch his own bid to become Iraqi president in order to give the people of Iraq "a genuine choice.""Over the past few weeks, I've seen various names floated for president of Iraq, and I've come to the conclusion that there's not a dinar's worth of difference between them," Mr. Nader said at his first Baghdad press conference. "As I cross this great land of theirs, I sense that the Iraqi people want Ralph Nader in this race."But even as Mr. Nader spoke in glowing terms of his quixotic bid, prominent Sunnis and Shiites excoriated his decision, calling the candidate a "spoiler" and demanding that he quit the race at once.In an official statement, the Shiite leader Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Husseini al-Sistani said, "Mr. Nader is not welcome here--and that goes double for Kucinich."The Ayatollah was referring to Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH), who earlier this week...

The Borowitz Report: Iraqi Sovereignty Is Missing

Iraqi sovereignty went missing late yesterday afternoon, plunging into some doubt whether sovereignty could be handed over to the Iraqi people by the U.S. deadline of June 30.News of the sovereignty's sudden disappearance was announced at Coalition Provisional Authority headquarters in Baghdad by interim leader Paul Bremer III, who expressed puzzlement at the sovereignty's whereabouts. "To be candid, I have no idea where that sovereignty could have gone to," Mr. Bremer told reporters. "It was here a minute ago."Iraqi President Ghazi Meshal Al-Yawar, who had been selected just hours before sovereignty mysteriously disappeared, expressed outrage and anger that U.S. officials had somehow permitted the nation's sovereignty to become mislaid, stolen, or worse. "I agreed to let sovereignty be transferred to me, and then they went and lost it?" Al-Yawar fumed. "I'm sorry, but that really sucks."U.S. forces ransacked the offices of Iraqi National Congress leader Ahmed Chalabi for the twenty...

The Borowitz Report: Gore, Armed With Megaphone, Arrested Outside White House

The White House was the scene of a tense standoff last night as former Vice President Al Gore climbed up a tree on Pennsylvania Avenue with a megaphone and started demanding that more than 2,000 government bureaucrats resign immediately."Office of Management and Budget Director Joshua B. Bolten should resign! United States Trade Representative Robert B. Zoellick should resign!" Mr. Gore shrieked. "Secretary of Agriculture Ann M. Veneman should resign!"After receiving many complaints from neighbors, police were dispatched to remove Gore from the tree, but were unsuccessful. "We sent a couple of patrol cars down there and basically told him to move on, dot org," said police spokesman Charles Brill. "That's when he threatened to jump."After Gore vowed to leap from the tree if Steven R. Blust, the Chairman of the Federal Maritime Commission did not resign, the police brought in an outside negotiator to defuse the mounting crisis: former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean.In an attempt to remind...

The Borowitz Report: Photos Show A Hooded Bush Planning War

A series of shocking new photos released today show President George W. Bush wearing a hood while planning the invasion of Iraq in January of 2003.In the photos, a hooded Bush examines a large map of the Middle East with Vice President Dick Cheney, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Saudi Arabia's Prince Bandar.Experts who have studied the photos believe that wearing such a hood would make it difficult if not impossible for the president to know what was going on around him or even where he was.In perhaps the most shocking revelation, additional photos indicate that Bush's wearing of a hood might not have been an isolated incident but may in fact have been standard operating procedure for him beginning shortly after his inauguration in January of 2001 and continuing well into the middle of last week.On Capitol Hill, outraged senators demanded a "full explanation" for why the president of the United States was wearing a hood during such crucial meetings and what person or...

The Borowitz Report: Kerry Is Not Sexy, Warns Gore

Former Democratic presidential nominee Al Gore raised a warning flag about the candidacy of John Kerry today, telling reporters that the Massachusetts senator "is not sexy enough to be president."Speaking to reporters in Washington, Gore said, "There are only three things that get you elected president--sex, sex, and sex--and John Kerry, I believe, lacks all three."Attempting to place his remarks in an historical context, the former Democratic standard-bearer continued: "To be successful in a run for the White House, you need to have raw, almost animalistic sexual power. JFK had it. I have it. I'm not sure that John Kerry has it."On the campaign trail in Michigan, Kerry departed from his prepared remarks about health care to go toe-to-toe with Gore on the sexiness issue. "My friends, let me say this: I'm too sexy for my shirt," Mr. Kerry said, before enumerating a long list of other things for which he was too sexy, including his car, his cat, his hat, Milan, New York and Japan...

The Borowitz Report: Bush To Hand Over Blame On June 30

In a nationally televised address, President George W. Bush revealed that the blame for the Iraqi prison abuse scandal would be transferred from the United States to the new Iraqi government on June 30."Accepting blame for the prison abuse scandal is an important step in Iraq's evolution towards democracy," Bush said, adding that accountability for the scandal must go to the highest levels of Iraq's yet-to-be-appointed government."It is my hope that Iraq's new leaders will accept full responsibility for these abuses," Bush told his television audience. "There's an old saying: in a democracy, the dinar stops here."While diplomatic experts had questioned what exactly the sovereignty handed over to Iraq on June 30 would consist of, the president made it clear that it would be made up solely of blame for the prison abuse scandal. "As of June 30, we fully expect to put an Iraqi face on this fiasco," Bush said.At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that he was ...

The Borowitz Report: Bush: 'Mission Accomplished' Was A Typo

One year after George W. Bush landed on the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln to celebrate the end of the major combat phase in Iraq, the president used his weekly radio address to say that the "Mission Accomplished" banner onboard the carrier was the result of "a typo.""That banner was not supposed to say 'Mission Accomplished'," Bush said. "It was supposed to say 'Still Difficult Work Ahead'."Bush said that he did not notice the typo at the time, and only caught it one year later while watching a news report marking the anniversary.But the president surprised many observers by refusing to apologize for the typo, instead calling it the work of "evildoers."Adopting a stern and resolute tone, President Bush warned, "The person or persons responsible for this and other typos will be brought to justice."Privately, Bush's aides hoped that his explanation of the erroneous banner would blunt growing criticism that the White House had failed to catch crucial typos planted by...

The Borowtiz Report: Saddam Demands Jury of Megalomaniacs

The French lawyer representing Saddam Hussein in his upcoming trial for crimes against humanity said today that the former dictator is entitled to a jury of his peers, which in his case means "a jury packed with world-class megalomaniacs."The attorney, Jacques Verges, said that Saddam had already drawn up a "wish list" of potential jurors for his trial, topped by Al Qaeda honcho Osama bin Laden and real-estate mogul Donald Trump."Saddam wants to put together what is basically an all-star team of megalomaniacs, and that team wouldn't be complete without those two guys," Verges said.But within hours of Verges's announcement, a spokesman for Michael Jackson indicated that the self-styled King of Pop would be fishing in the same jury pool as Saddam."Michael is determined to get Osama and Trump on his jury and if it means going toe-to-toe with Saddam Hussein, so be it," the spokesman said.Legal experts fear that the potential jury pool of megalomaniacs may become woefully overtaxed in...

The Borowitz Report: New Harry Potter Book Set in Bush White House

Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling has climbed aboard the publishing industry's hottest trend by announcing today that her next entry in the Potter series will be set backstage at the Bush White House in the run-up to the invasion of Iraq.The book, "Harry Potter and the Wizards of Mass Destruction," is expected to be the most successful Bush-cabinet tell-all memoir yet, publishing insiders say."It's a little like the Richard Clarke book and a little like the Paul O'Neill book, but with that J. K. Rowling magic thrown in," says Annabelle Kaminski of the industry bible Publishers Weekly. "This is going to be the first book about the Bush White House to move a lot of units with teens and tweens."According to Ms. Kaminski, the new Rowling book picks up Harry's story as he graduates from the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and begins his career as a junior member of the Bush cabinet.But once he arrives at the White House, young Harry discovers that the entire cabinet is under...

The Borowitz Report: U.S. Outsources Obesity to India

The United States is rapidly outsourcing obesity to India and hopes to shed as many as three trillion pounds of unsightly cellulite annually, President George W. Bush announced today.In a speech to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce in Milwaukee, the President said that since most of the millions of jobs outsourced since he was elected President were extremely sedentary, "Those jobs are now making the people of India fat instead of us.""In the long run, the weight loss more than makes up for the job loss," the President added.In India, where U.S. companies have outsourced customer service jobs at a blistering pace in the last three years, workers confirmed that they have never been fatter in their lives."Before I got this job, I used to get out of my chair occasionally, but those days are long gone," said Sisirkana Bhatia, 27, who works at a Verizon call center in Bangalore. "The minute I'm off work I head on over to the Olive Garden for their all-you-can-eat bread sticks."A co-worker,...

The Borowitz Report: White House Redacts Rice's Brain

In preparation for her testimony in front of the 9/11 commission this Thursday, the White House has redacted the brain of National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice 28 times, White House spokesman Scott McClellan confirmed today. ...

The Borowitz Report: Splitsville

Hollywood couple Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz have called it quits, citing "irreconcilable spelling differences" as the reason behind their split.The storybook romance between Hollywood's favorite homonyms was reportedly alive and kicking until a few weeks ago, when the two stars realized for the first time that their last names were spelled differently, a friend of the couple revealed.The couple had finished lunch at The Ivy in Beverly Hills, dividing the check 50/50--but when it came back, Cruz and Cruise received each other's credit card by mistake and discovered the spelling discrepancy."They both felt shocked and betrayed," the friend said. "They decided to break up that afternoon."People in the Hollywood community were dumbfounded by news of the breakup and its spelling-based origins, but veteran talent agent Buddy Schlantz of the Major People Agency said he was not surprised in the least."Hollywood stars are under a lot of pressure," Mr. Schlantz said. "The last thing they...

The Borowitz Report: Operation Pink Storm

In a televised speech to the nation last night, President George W. Bush called gay marriage "the new front in the war on terror" and called on the civilized nations of the world to unite against "the gathering threat of gay and lesbian weddings.""There are those in the world who would replace freedom and democracy with gay marriages," Mr. Bush said in his speech from the White House. "This will not stand."Mr. Bush's speech coincided with news from the Pentagon that the United States was launching a spring offensive, Operation Pink Storm, to root out gay brides and bridegrooms hiding in the mountainous region on the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan.In raids conducted over the weekend, U.S. Special Operations forces disrupted half a dozen gay marriages being performed in a serpentine network of underground caves, seizing hors-d'oeuvres, seating charts and flower arrangements.In his speech, the president urged America's allies in the war on terror not to lose resolve in the face of...

The Borowitz Report: Martha, Meet O.J.

Embattled domestic diva Martha Stewart received support from an unlikely ally today in the person of former football great O.J. Simpson. Simpson took time out from a round of golf in Sarasota, Florida, to tell members of the press that he believed Stewart had been "framed" in her recent trial on charges stemming from her sale of ImClone stock.The Heisman Trophy winner said that he would drop everything to help Stewart, telling reporters, "From this day forward, I will dedicate all of my time and energy to finding the real liars." According to Simpson, the domestic doyenne was not responsible for the lies about her stock sale, but instead was "set up" by "the real liars," whose identities remain unknown."I've got a few leads as to who the real liars might be," Simpson said. "I don't want to give away anything that might hinder my investigation, but let's just say that all of the clues point to Colombian drug lords." Simpson also slammed Stewart's defense team, criticizing their...

The Borowitz Report: Cold Off the Presses

The first shipment of Janet Jackson jokes arrived in Iraq today, a full month after wisecracks about the singer's right breast dominated the American media.L. Paul Bremer III, the top U.S. administrator in Iraq, apologized to the Iraqi people for the delay, citing "difficulties in translation."The sarcastic remarks were airlifted into Iraq over the weekend and delivered to the Coalition Provisional Authority's three primary joke-distribution centers in Baghdad, the southern city of Basra and oil-rich Kirkuk.But in the so-called "Sunni Triangle," where angry demonstrators protested the lack of Janet Jackson jokes late last week, the shipment of weeks-old boob gags culled from late-night comedy monologues could be a case of too little, too late.Hisham Dalal, 39, an office worker whose family has been without Janet Jackson jokes since early February, denounced the quality of breast-related witticisms the U.S. was offering Iraqi citizens."I guess you had to be there," a bitter Dalal...

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