The Borowitz Report: N.Y. Yankees Defeat Taliban

Fresh from clinching their fourth consecutive American League Championship, the New York Yankees defeated Afghanistan's repressive Taliban regime, according to U.S. military officials.Shortstop Derek Jeter and left fielder Chuck Knoblauch led the Yankees' assault on the Taliban, who demonstrated even less resistance than the Seattle Mariners.The decision to board a military jet for Afghanistan immediately after defeating Seattle was made by Yankees manager Joe Torre. "We figured we'd do it while we had the momentum," a champagne-drenched Torre told reporters from his tent in Kabul. "We've been swinging the bat real good."The assault on the Taliban began with Cy Young Award candidate Roger Clemens hurling a 98mph fastball at Osama bin Laden's head. "I was just trying to brush him back," Clemens later said of the pitch that felled the world's most wanted man. "I guess he didn't get out of the way in time."The Yankees then proceeded to destroy the fortified bunkers of the Taliban, with...

The Borowitz Report: Bill Just Wants To Have Fun

Former President Bill Clinton, fresh from a bikini-buying spree in Ipanema, Brazil, returned home to Chappaqua, N.Y., last weekend-and his neighbors were none too pleased about what he brought with him."It's been hard enough having him live here," one annoyed Chappaqua resident told reporters, "but then he had to go and get that thing."The "thing" that has all of Chappaqua talking-and some angrily calling local police-is a Mr. Microphone, a microphonelike novelty device that enables its owner to broadcast his voice at high decibels over the nearest AM radio.Since Mr. Clinton bought one, neighbors say, he has been using it virtually nonstop.Annoyed residents of this leafy suburb, known for its quaint shops and highly rated school system, say Mr. Clinton has been driving around town in a red convertible with his Mr. Microphone, broadcasting such dubious messages as, "Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!""We've put up with the two keg parties he's thrown and all of...

The Borowitz Report: The Sloths Of Summer

In a phenomenon that occurs every year during the week before Labor Day, national columnists across America file pointless, content-free "filler" columns, enabling lazy scribes to hit the beach earlier, according to observers who have been following the trend.The filler columns are churned out in a matter of minutes with no loftier goal than meeting a deadline and filling up space-meaning that columnists will often resort to using the same words or phrase again and again and again and again and again.Rather than doing any original writing, slothful columnists will rely on so-called experts to supply them with quotes to fill up space, experts say."They'll often quote people you've never heard of," says Harold Crimmins, an expert on filler columns. "It's pretty shameless."The typical filler column is often written months earlier, in the dead of winter, but the writer will later plug in one cursory reference to current events, such as the Gary Condit scandal, to disguise this fact.In...

The Borowitz Report: The Trouble With Travel

Millionaire balloonist Steve Fossett aborted a trip to a 7-Eleven convenience store near his home last night, stating that the journey was "too risky" to continue.Fosset had attempted to travel to the store, located less than one mile from his residence, in a 1998 Honda Prelude with a V-6 engine and power windows. But halfway into his journey, he noticed that the car appeared to be low on gas."I saw that little gas tank thingy light up and I was like, 'Oh boy'," Fossett said at a recent press conference. "I realized that the whole trip had become really dangerous."At that point, Fossett had to decide whether to continue or abandon his journey. Reluctantly, he decided that the chances of running out of gas had rendered the trip too risky."This was the biggest disappointment in my life," a crestfallen Fossett told reporters.Fossett said he planned to reschedule the trip-in which he had hoped to pick up a 20-ounce coffee and a bacon-and-egg sandwich-as soon as he refueled the Prelude...

The Borowitz Report: One For The Gals

With the 2002 midterm elections little more than a year away, President George W. Bush plans to improve his sagging approval ratings among women voters by proposing a nationwide federally funded "Ladies' Nite." ...

The Borowitz Report: The Condit Condit-Ion

The most commonly used word in the English language is "Condit," according to a panel of esteemed English-language experts who participated in a study released today.THE STUDY appears in the scholarly journal formerly called English Usage. It was retitled Condit Weekly as of this week. "We knew that people were saying 'Condit' a lot, but we had no idea how much they were saying 'Condit,'" says Prof. Irvin Harburg, one of the language experts who was consulted for the study. "What we are finding is that they are saying 'Condit' a lot, and saying 'Condit' more often than they are not saying 'Condit'."The average American uses the word "Condit" in every other sentence, the study says. That usage is somewhat higher on the Fox News Channel, where every other word uttered by commentators over the last three weeks has been "Condit."During the past month, the word "Condit" has been used more than 8 trillion times, the study says, easily outdistancing such perennial favorites as "and," "the"...

The Borowitz Report: Bush's Nicknames Create Controversy

President Bush's penchant for nicknaming his associates has charmed and disarmed world leaders during his current swing through Europe-with one notable exception.Queen Elizabeth II of England was apparently "infuriated" at the president's repeated attempts to call her by an affectionate moniker while visiting London over the weekend.The trouble started, observers say, at a formal dinner at Buckingham Palace during which Bush greeted the British sovereign with a hearty, "What's shaking, Queenie?"Queen Elizabeth, who seemed confused and unaware that she was being spoken to, did not acknowledge the president's greeting, but her nonresponse seemed only to egg him on."Hey, I'm talking to you, Q-E-2," the president said. Chortling, Bush then slapped the queen on the back, sending her tiara flying from her head and into Prince Philip's soup.Despite being warned by several members of the royal family to stop calling the queen by nicknames, Bush persisted, calling the British sovereign ...

The Borowitz Report: Apes Superior To Humans, Says Orangutan

In a heated, invective-filled debate sponsored by the League of Women Voters, actor Charlton Heston and a noted orangutan crossed swords over the age-old question of who is superior, apes or humans.The debate, televised nationally last night, began as the orangutan, the acclaimed scientist Dr. Zaius, launched into a stinging attack on humans."Beware the beast man, for he is the devil's pawn," said Zaius, who surprised many in attendance with his impeccable English accent. "Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours."Heston appeared to grow increasingly red-faced with anger at the orangutan's inflammatory remarks, but Zaius continued, seemingly unfazed."Shun him, drive him back into his jungle lair," continued Zaius, "for he is the harbinger of death."With Heston offering nothing in the way of a rebuttal, the long-winded Zaius easily dominated the debate with his slashing, aggressive attack.After the contest, held at Georgetown University Law...

The Borowitz Report: Julia Roberts To Wed State Of New Jersey

Actress Julia Roberts, well-known for dating the costars of her movies, has surprised Hollywood insiders by announcing that she plans to marry the state of New Jersey, sources close to the actress revealed today.THE HOLLYWOOD RUMOR mill suggested that Roberts was merely on the rebound from her breakup with actor Benjamin Bratt when she fell for the Garden State. Friends of the actress, however, insisted that this was not the case. "I've known Julia for years, and I've never seen her this happy," said a close friend of the "Erin Brockovich" star. "She and New Jersey really seem to be in love." Those close to the actress were not surprised to learn that the actress was seriously involved with one of the 50 states. "She was kind of running out of guys to date," the friend said. Roberts met New Jersey while on location there for the filming of her new movie, "Ocean's Eleven." While Roberts's romances with actors on location have been well-documented, Hollywood insiders believe that this...

The Borowitz Report: Bush Blames Poor Poll Numbers On Fuzzy Math

President George W. Bush today brushed aside reports that he was sliding precipitously in the polls, blaming his poor approval ratings on what he called "fuzzy math.""I don't know where people come off saying these numbers are bad," Bush told reporters at the White House. "I've seen fuzzy math in my day, but this really takes the cake."Recent polls show the president's job-approval rating sinking to 50 percent, down from the mid-sixties in January. When asked about these specifics, however, the president was undaunted."Fifty percent? Whoa, that's starting to sound pretty fuzzy to me," the president said. "Let's keep it mind one thing now: 50 percent is way more than half. I'll take that any day of the week."Several reporters questioned Bush's assertion that 50 percent was more than half, suggesting instead that it was precisely half. But the president disagreed, saying that their interpretation was "fuzzy.""Fifty percent, is, like, way, way more than half," Bush said. "That's what...

The Borowitz Report: Michael Jordan Announces Comeback, Retirement And Yet Another Comeback

In an announcement that stunned the world of professional basketball, NBA legend Michael Jordan told reporters today that he intends to make a comeback, then retire again and then make yet another comeback."I still have a lot of basketball left in me," Jordan said at a press conference at Washington's Hay-Adams Hotel. "But after playing two more years' worth of basketball, I will no longer have any basketball left in me and I will retire once again."Before reporters could ask any questions, Jordan continued. "At that point, I will want to spend more time with my family," he said. "There are other things in life besides basketball."Many reporters at the press conference assumed that Jordan's prepared remarks were over and began to shout questions at the basketball giant, but Jordan had more to say."However, after spending a couple of years with my family, I will find that I no longer want to spend so much time with them, because I will realize that I still have a lot more basketball...

The Borowitz Report: Sony's Latest Bombshell:

Coming on the heels of its admission that it concocted a fictitious reviewer to rave about its films and used studio employees to gush about them in TV ads, Sony Pictures revealed today that no real people have attended any Sony-produced films for well over five years. "No actual person bought tickets to any of our movies," says a Sony marketing executive "because the movies we released were very, very bad."Red-faced Sony executives admit that Sony productions like "The Patriot" and "Charlie's Angels" only achieved their record grosses as a result of Sony staffers attending them round-the-clock. One worker in the Sony Pictures cafeteria was paid by Sony to see the David Spade vehicle "Joe Dirt" well over 600 times, the executives say."It's all about creating a buzz," a marketing executive says. "We thought that if we paid our employees to go watch our moves, maybe some real people would buy tickets, too. Hey, if it had worked, everyone would be calling us geniuses now."Under attack...

The Borowitz Report: A New Report Rates Bush The Greatest U.S. President Ever

A new report released today has named President George W. Bush the "greatest president in U.S. history," topping perennial favorites such as George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Thomas Jefferson."His keen intelligence, dogged work ethic and encyclopedic knowledge of international affairs and domestic issues put President Bush way at the top of the list," says the report, which is sure to give a much-appreciated shot in the arm to the Bush White House."President Bush is doing a really, really good job," the report goes on to say.The report appears in this month's issue of Sarcasm: The Journal of Sarcastic Articles, published by the Sarcastic Institute of America in Bethesda, Md.The report, penned by historian I.M. Kidding, praised President Bush for his handling of the Chinese spy-plane episode, his advocacy of arsenic as an ingredient in drinking water and what Kidding referred to as his "savvy brinkmanship and diplomacy in his dealings with Sen. Jim Jeffords.""For all of these...

The Borowitz Report: War Of Words Escalates Between Ford And Firestone

The rhetorical battle between the Ford Motor Co. and the Firestone tire company reached a new level of acrimony today when a spokesman for Ford called Firestone "a bunch of egregious jerks.""When you look at how Firestone has been acting lately, it's really jerky," a spokesman for Ford told reporters. "They are, like, a bunch of egregious jerks."Firestone immediately fired back with a statement of its own. "Oh, so we're jerks?" a Firestone spokesman said. "I guess it takes one to know one!"Reporters asked the Firestone spokesman if he was surprised by the severity of the Ford spokesman's attack. "Nothing that butthead says surprises me anymore," the Firestone spokesman said.For his part, the Ford spokesman took issue with being called a "butthead" by the Firestone spokesman. "You tell him to come over here and say that to me," the Ford spokesman said. "I'll kick the crap out of him."The Firestone spokesman, however, was unfazed by the latest threat from the Ford spokesman. "Yeah,...

The Borowitz Report: The United States Of Halliburton?

In a move that his supporters are calling his boldest to date, President George W. Bush today advocated a merger between the United States of America and the Halliburton Co., one of the world's largest oil-producing concerns. ...

The Borowitz Report: What's Our Motivation?

Plans to stage a Screen Actors' Guild strike this summer appeared to be in jeopardy after a rancorous union meeting last night in which scores of Hollywood actors demanded to know their "motivation" for striking. ...

The Borowitz Report: Greenspan Runs Out On The Check At Sizzler

The stock market, already roiled by reports of flagging consumer confidence and disappointing corporate earnings, received another blow today when it was revealed that Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan had run out of a Sizzler restaurant in Manhattan Beach, Calif., last Saturday without paying his tab. ...

The Borowitz Report: Big Snowball Threatens Northeast

A well-packed snowball measuring as much as four inches in diameter pounded a mailbox in Burlington, Vt., early this morning in what some meteorologists are calling one of the most savage winter snowball events in decades. ...

Eminem, Barney To Perform Duet At Next Year's Grammys

Rapper Eminem will perform a duet with Barney the Purple Dinosaur at next year's Grammy Awards, recording industry sources revealed today. Producers of next year's telecast indicated that the rapper and the dinosaur would most likely join forces on Barney's hit song, "I Love You, You Love Me."Children's advocacy groups immediately blasted Eminem for agreeing to share the stage with the controversial dinosaur, whose odious, insipid songs are anathema to parents across the country, especially those who have to take long car trips with small children."By singing a duet with Barney, Eminem is sending a message to kids everywhere that he approves of Barney's so-called 'music,' " said Karen Curland of the Children's Music Advocacy Project, one of the most virulently anti-Barney groups in the country. "This can only result in more and more kids singing along with Barney at the top of their lungs while their parents are trying to find a parking space at the mall."Recording-industry insiders...

The Borowitz Report: Bush's Interior Secretary Is Really A James Bond Villain

Bush administration officials were red-faced today at the news that newly appointed Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton was actually Ernst Stavro Blofeld-the longtime archnemesis of Agent 007 James Bond-in disguise."We had no idea that Gale Norton was the head of S.P.E.C.T.R.E. when we nominated her for the Interior post," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card told reporters. "Having said that, we still believe that Gale, or Blofeld as we now call her, will do a splendid job."Norton breezed through her confirmation hearings despite the strenuous objection of environmental groups. Her cool responses to senators' questions about oil drilling in the Alaskan wilderness failed to raise suspicions that she might be one of the deadliest supervillains on the planet. "I guess hindsight is always 20-20," says Sen. Joseph Lieberman, "but in retrospect, it kind of bothered me that she was stroking that white cat in her lap during the hearings."According to Dr. James O'Shaunessy of Edinburgh...

?Joyce Dewitt Virus? Harms Almost No Computers, Experts Say

An Internet virus masquerading as a sexy picture of former “Three’s Company” starlet Joyce DeWitt did not have its intended destructive result when few, if any, of its targeted victims worldwide even opened the e-mail message. The message, with a subject line reading “Sexy Hot Joyce DeWitt,” was deleted almost immediately by computer users around the world, Internet experts say.“Our reports are showing that few of the people who saw the e-mail message in their inbox remembered who Joyce DeWitt was,” says Mark Schenkman, an Internet security expert in Tallahassee, Fla. “Of those who did remember her, few wanted to see sexy hot pictures of her.”DeWitt, who appeared on the popular “Three’s Company” series from 1976 to 1984, played the role of Janet, the plain, man-hungry counterpart to Suzanne Somers’ blonde bombshell Chrissy. DeWitt was an unlikely choice to front a destructive e-mail virus, computer experts say.“Whoever chose her screwed up big time,”Schenkman says. “I always had a...

Steven Soderbergh Wins Nobel Peace Prize

Film director Steven Soderbergh has won the 2001 Nobel Peace Prize for his work on the films "Traffic" and "Erin Brockovich," Nobel Committee Chairman Francis Sejerstad announced in Oslo, Norway today.The Oslo win is significant, Hollywood insiders say, because it makes Soderbergh the prohibitive favorite to win this year's Oscar for Best Director. "It's highly unusual for a director to win the Nobel Peace Prize and then come up empty on Oscar night," says Buddy Hogan, a longtime studio publicist at MGM.Additionally, winning the coveted Oslo prize will no doubt give a significant boost to the films' already-impressive box-office tallies. "I can sum up the effect of a Nobel Peace Prize in two words: ka-ching, ka-ching," Hogan says.The awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to director Soderbergh came as a surprise to many in international peace circles, since the director had not been involved in furthering the peace process in any region of the world last year. In spite of that, last...

Clinton?s Final To-Do List

President Clinton, determined to use his presidential power until the last possible moment, plans to establish relations with Carmen Electra, insiders have learned.The Electra decision was included on a hand-scrawled ???to-do??? list on an official presidential memo pad found on President Clinton???s desk, according to a cleaning woman familiar with the memo pad. The rest of the list reads as follows:Sign executive order for U.S. Mint to produce Clinton nickel Approve exploratory drilling of Linda Tripp???s head Quadruple pension benefits for all veterans at the Commander-in-Chief level or higher Conduct bombing raid on Henry Hyde Push through tax credits for unemployed spouses of U.S. Senators Name Vernon Jordan ???Golf Czar??? For old times??? sake, fire White House travel office again Grant amnesty for non-payment of legal bills up to seven million dollars Have cable company disconnect Spice Channel from Oval Office Order immediate price freeze on McDonald???s Super Value Meals...

The Borowitz Report: Gore Votes Found In Jeb Bush's Pants

Just as George W. Bush's path to the White House seemed assured by victory in the U.S. Supreme Court, the nation was stunned to learn that 538 votes for Vice President Al Gore had been found stuffed in Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's pants.The Governor, who had recused himself in the Florida recounts because he is the brother of the Republican nominee, was giving a speech to the Young Republican Club of Tallahassee when audience members noticed paper ballots falling out of his right pant leg. As 538 Gore ballots--enough to put Al Gore ahead in the Florida race by a margin of one vote--cascaded to the ground, Gov. Bush exclaimed, "Holy cow, how did those get in there?"Democratic operatives were not inclined to accept Gov. Bush's surprised reaction at face value, claiming instead that the Florida Governor intentionally stuffed the crucial votes in his pants on election night."I was busy counting votes in Seminole County when the Governor kind of snuck up behind me and said, 'Looky there, it's...

Is It Time To Recruit Guest Presidents?

With legal challenges from both the Bush and Gore camps threatening to prolong the Florida recount until at least 2004, Congressional leaders are proposing that the White House be filled with celebrity 'guest-presidents' until then, sources say.Drawn from the ranks of high-profile singers, actors, and sports figures, the guest presidents would each serve as leader of the Free World for a one-week term. They would be empowered to veto legislation, pardon felons and name Supreme Court Justices.Sources familiar with the proposal say that a guest president would not be permitted to declare war, but would be allowed to order bombing strikes on Sadaam Hussein.Additionally, a guest president would not be expected to do anything about Social Security, crime or homelessness--"just like a real President," one source says.While Congressional insiders deny the existence of a short list of celebrities who might be tapped to serve as guest president, the Washington rumor mill placed actor Andy...

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