Borowitz: Gonzales’s Real Reason for Resigning

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned today, effective immediately, telling reporters that he wanted to spend more time eavesdropping on his family.

Gonzales, a champion of domestic surveillance and warrantless wiretaps while in office, said he was "totally stoked" about turning his prying eyes on his own family.

"Domestic surveillance begins at home," Mr. Gonzales said at a White House press conference. "That means nobody in my family is above suspicion, not even the little ones," an apparent reference to Gonzales's children.

Standing by Gonzales's side, President George W. Bush praised his former attorney general, singling out his "courage" in ramping up his domestic spying program on his own family.

"If every head of every household was as willing to eavesdrop on his own family as my man Alberto is, we wouldn't need a Homeland Security Department," Bush chuckled.

Gonzales was noncommittal when a reporter asked him a question about the role that waterboarding and other forms of torture might play in his interrogation of family members.

"Nothing is off the table," he said.

Asked about his tenure as attorney general, Gonzales was candid about his stormy time in office: "Frankly, I can't believe it took this long for them to can me."

Elsewhere, the National Football League released an official statement stressing its opposition to hurting animals while reaffirming its support for hurting humans.

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