Bring Back The Juvenile Delinquent

Educational experts should realize that the goody-goody teens who reach their peak in high school these days only have weight problems, divorce and alcoholism in their future. It's the bad kids who healthily reject authority and suffer teen angst who build character and excel later in life. Unfortunately, few kids know how to rebel with class anymore. We no longer have juvenile delinquents--we have 13-year-old serial murderers. Somehow I doubt today's over-the-top hellcats will ever feel nostalgia for the good ole days of crack and "wilding."

So how do you get on parents' nerves with style these days?

Sex, drugs and rock and roll all seem so old hat. Who would have ever thought you could die from sex? It was much more fun when you only went to hell. In the old days, the most curious rebels took drugs to think more; now the stupidest ones take them so they don't have to think at all. Rock and roll? The Beatles ruined that in 1963 with their ultimate assassination of rhythm and blues. And look what it led to--loudmouthed, heavy-metal white boys with bilevel haircuts and opinions on international politics. Will "White snake's Greatest Hits" ever be an oldie but goodie?

Fashion--forget it. As Dolly Parton says, "It costs a lot of money to look this cheap," so what's the point? Maybelline even discontinued its trashiest black liquid eyeliner, and without the basics, why should a girl even try? The construction workers who beat up hippies in the '60s over long hair now wear theirs the same length. Everything comes full circle. Believe me, there can be no new hairdos.

Even illegal weapons have lost their panache. Zip guns and shanks were at least homemade. Where is the craft in a grade-schooler firing a magnum? What's the world coming to? It's not even bad to be a communist anymore!

Something drastic must happen. We need a new breed of juvenile delinquent and we need it now. Come on, kids, think up something new! You'll need more than idiot, anti-Semitic, homophobic comedians and singers to do the trick. Yeah, they offend me, but so did my parents' generation when they thought the same way. Stop being so rebelliously lazy. Here's how to horrify me so it will work.

Start off by making it cool to be poor again, the only way left to be un-American. You shouldn't want to be rich, you should want to embarrass the rich. Don't move to New York or Los Angeles; stay home and scare the neighbors. Or check out a list of the "nicest" cities--and move somewhere worse.

The uncoolest thing in the '90s will be racism. My generation will pretend to be liberal, while still thinking the same stupid racist thoughts. Expose us by reversing the usual negative cliches and watch all the phony, politically correct parents see red. Black kids should start talking "Valley" and bitching that Aretha doesn't have rhythm. Watch Afro-Dad's eyes light up when you repeatedly chant "Totally!" every time he questions your goal of becoming a game-show host. White youth can get the same results by speaking black English and flipping blond dreadlocks in "liberated" Mom's face.

Since you can't have promiscuous sex anymore, consider yourself lucky. No sex makes you more nuts and that's good. Besides, you didn't get to think up sex in the first place, so why bother? Who said juvenile delinquents were supposed to be satisfied?

Declare war on the tyranny of the baby boomers. There will always be more of us and, if you're not careful, pretty soon old age will be "in." Time to humiliate us with fashion. Paint on mock wrinkles and bags to show your indifference to the aging process. Satirize our desperate plastic surgery by having one of your lips removed for beauty or having your ears reversed for the sheer hell of it.

Your parents still listen to their loud music, so drive them crazy with a new music that is soft but scarily hypnotic and barely noticeable until the twisted rhythms and incomprehensible lyrics burn a hole through their skulls.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they took drugs in the '60s. So what?! Then they all became alcoholics and addicts. And now, even worse, you've got to listen to how they overcame their addictions. Drink moderately right in front of them, smoke one cigarette a week to really drive them crazy and casually mention you abuse MSG.

See? It's easy to get a rise out of us old farts. You're finally on to something new--a dawn of devious teen behavior to mock the millennium. Get moving!