Celebrity News. In Haiku.

The never-ending lava flow of celebrity journalism has long troubled us. This week, in a new feature devoted to our artistic side, we relate the hottest possible news in the fewest possible words.

That bump on my schnoz,
like my sister's spouse, is gone.
Nose job? I am coy.

Like a waterfall,
my confession tumbles forth:
I don't eat, like, ever.

Out, out, damned K-Fed!
Wait, don't go: impregnate me,
baby, one more time.

The claws come out when Hugh Jackman reprises his role as Wolverine in "X-Men 3." He spoke to NEWSWEEK's Ramin Setoodeh.

I'm kind of racking my brain about Superman's powers: body of steel, he can fly. Can he do lasers? I just have a feeling that if they got intoclose range, Wolverine could beat anybody. Superman would go down in six rounds.

In this movie, I'm wearing a wig. But the chest hair is mine. I'm not sure if I'm meant to be proclaiming that.

No. Peter Allen lived in a time before waxing. But I'm sure he would've gone for it.

Stage door? Come on, you're kidding. I'm glad I didn't blow it off that night, or this might be a really bad article.

We're going to have to bite the bullet and rent, I think. My wife is fussy, and it's a lot of money to live in New York.

Do I have the money? Yes. But I still struggle with how expensive it is. It feels a bit obscene.

As my wife says, "I've come all the way from Australia. I'm not living in Brooklyn."

When it rains, it pours. But I don't really have any plans after "The Boy From Oz" in Australia. Are you going to come? Come on. If you do, don't wait outside--just knock on the door and let me know you're there.

Keith richards has survived heroin and Mick Jagger's ego, so there was no way he would be taken down by a coconut tree. The Stones' guitarist, 62, was in Fiji when he fell out of the tree and had to be flown to New Zealand, where doctors found a blood clot. After surgery to relieve pressure on his brain--his spokeswoman said he'd suffered no brain damage--Richards was discharged last week. He'll remain in New Zealand for checkups. Near-fatal mishaps? He's now 235 and 0.