Donald Trump Vs. Donald Trump: A Parody

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U.S. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump holds a campaign rally in Delaware, Ohio, October 20. 'Buffy' writer Marti Noxon writes about the sexist language used by Trump. Jonathan Ernst/Reuters

Listen, folks, something is going on with this Donald Trump character, OK? You’ve seen him on the television, have you, talking about a rigged election? This guy should know about rigged, oh yeah, nobody's more rigged than Donnie T from Jamaica Estates. Ever been there, by the way, out in Queens? It’s right next to Pennsylvania. He calls himself a New Yorker, this guy, but he comes from Long Island, OK? Look it up, friends, it's all over the internet. Even The New York Times, which is very dishonest, did a piece. You can’t get a good bagel out there. The streets have funny names. It’s a disaster.

Boy, did this guy have it rigged from the start. That small loan from his father? One. Million. Dollars. Million dollar baby, that one. Great movie, by the way. Who is that girl with the short hair? Hilary Swank? She wouldn’t be my first choice, believe, but I love her spunk. I hope she is still working in Hollywood, but if the Clintons have had her killed, I would not be surprised. They are vicious people, the Clintons. They don’t even like Hilary Swank.

This Trump guy, if that’s his real name, he talks and talks about what a genius he is because he went to the Wharton School of Business. Doesn’t talk about how he started at Fordham. That wasn’t big enough for him, so Daddy Trump pulled some strings and there’s Little Donald on his way down to West Philadelphia.

It’s a disgrace, is what it is. We never win anymore. I am talking about the Knicks here. Have you seen their backcourt? I don’t know about this Derrick Rose, he’s from Chicago, which is absolute hell. I’ve been there, you can’t walk down the street without getting grabbed in the hoo-ha by an orange billionaire. I don’t know about this Donald Trump, either. How does a guy get hundreds of millions of dollars from the big banks and squander it all on crappy casinos? Who the hell loses money on a casino? And he’s still a billionaire? Last time he paid taxes, Patrick Ewing had working knees. If that’s rigged, give me rigged. Give me rigged right up the nose.

Rigged, rigged, rigged, that’s all you get with this guy. I love Tim Riggins, by the way. Friday Night Lights, great show, maybe best ever. So gentle and tough, at the same time, that Riggins. I bet he cuddles with kittens. I bet he gets tremendous babes. Is he voting for me? Someone check on that. We may need his vote down there in Texas. It would be terrible thing, it would be a huge waste of time, this whole campaign, if Tim Riggins did not vote for me.

Someone get me a steak. This election is making me hungry.

Women, let’s talk about women. Oh, boy, we could talk about women until the cows come home from furniture shopping. How many did he grope? Then? Seventy-five? Three hundred eighty-two? It’s hard to keep count. Grab ‘em by the, well, you’ve seen the video. Which got very good ratings, they tell me. Not as good as I get, but still pretty good.

The American dream is dead, El Trumpo says. He should know. Making his tacky ties in Mexico, importing Chinese steel, discriminating against renters in his buildings, stiffing contractors, making a joke of our democracy.

Hey, I got a joke for you. Wanna hear it? OK, here goes. What’s fat and orange and thinks a cabal of Zionist bankers control Hillary Clinton?

You know what, I forgot the punchline. Are we in Ohio? Are we in Pittsburgh? Is Pittsburgh even in Ohio? I love Pittsburgh, it has some of the best people, unless they vote for Trump, in which case I will have to bomb the hell out of Pittsburgh and make it look like Mosul. Where I am building a hotel, by the way. Best ever. Better than ISIS built. Much better. Their towels are such crap. 

I love Donald Trump, by the way. Nobody has more respect for Donald Trump than I do. I have more respect for Donald Trump than I do for Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-Un and David Duke. None of whom I have ever met or know anything about.

Donald Trump is a bad hombre. He is a bad hombre and a nasty man.

I love Donald Trump. Don't let the crooked media tell you otherwise. They are trying to rig this election by pitting me against Donald Trump.

Let me explain something to you. When Donald Trump says something is rigged, he means that it is not rigged in his favor. Because that’s the only way he wins. And he doesn’t win anymore, believe me. He knows that he’s only a winner when he’s put on third base and allowed to trot home. He makes George W. Bush look like a self-made man. Who was a disaster, by the way. Though I do like Bush’s baked beans. Life, it’s a funny thing.

Now you have red-as-raw-meat Texas in play. Arizona also. They make good iced tea. What about Mississippi? I would not be surprised if Mississippi was in play and Hillary Clinton got all 700 electoral college votes, or however many there are, you can't keep track of these things. I like that one movie where Kevin Kline plays the president. Maybe I will appoint him as my president for when I am in Mar-a-Lago and doesn’t want to be bothered with North Korea or unemployment.

Trump is a winner, except when he isn’t. For example, in business and politics. So he complains about a rigged election. He calls on his supporters to intimidate black voters in St. Louis and Philadelphia. Both of which are hell. Sean Hannity told me so. Donald Trump thinks he is a man of the people. He thinks that if he loses the election, they will avenge his defeat. He doesn’t realize they are mostly coming out to his rallies for kicks. And sometimes punches.

They know the election won’t be rigged. He has no clue.