American Beat: The Rite To Bear Arms

Fortunately for you, dear reader, I have deep sources in the Scottish heraldic community. And fortunately for President Bush, I was wrong about the symbolism of the down-turned swords.

"I wouldn't draw any conclusion," said Dave Richardson, general manager of Swyrich, a Canadian company that designs coats of arms. "He's probably not making a statement about Iraq."

But he is making a statement. Despite our Second Amendment, Americans have no legal right to bear arms. But anyone whose heritage goes back to countries that do issue official coats of arms--countries like Scotland, France, Germany, the Ukraine, etc.--can apply for one.

The big wig in the Scottish coat-of-arms community is the Lord Lyon (a.k.a. Robin Orr Blair, who was appointed King of Arms in 2001) --and, to be honest, he's a bit of a hardass. I went to his website and immediately felt as if I was being scolded by an overdressed snob who can trace his lineage back to King David (my family can only go back as far as King Cullen).

"There is a widespread misconception that a family or a clan can have a family or clan Coat of Arms," the Lord tells us. "This is completely incorrect. A Coat of Arms belongs only to one individual person and can only be used by that person and no one else." (OK, I get it!)

According to Parliamentary law that dates back to the days when the English were still putting the letter "e" on the end of every noun, the Lord Lyon can grant arms to only "virtuous and well-deserving persons."