American Beat: The Rite To Bear Arms

"You don't see a golf club very often," said Richardson. "You often see an arm, but it's usually holding a sword. A golf club is..." His voice trailed off before he could issue the obvious insult. (Those Canadians are so darn nice! I wish they were running the war in Iraq!).

Underneath the coat of arms, where most people put their motto, Trump inscribed, simply: "Trump."

"That's not necessarily his motto--unless he means it as a verb. Otherwise, it's just his name," said David Wooten, executive director of the American College of Heraldry, which help people design and register new armorial bearings (Trump never called them, by the way--and he never called me back for this story, either).

Wooten took a live-and-let-ruin approach when it comes to Trump. But he confirmed my suspicion that the apprentice's sorcerer is pretty much persona non grata among people who take their coats of arms seriously.

"The international heraldic community often looks down at Americans because most of us assume arms," Wooten said. "There are bucket shops at every mall offering to sell you 'your coat of arms,' but there's no such thing. Now they say, 'a coat of arms in your family's name,' or something like that."

But those kinds of outfits may be on the decline as more and more people are applying to--sorry, petitioning--the Lord Lyon directly. According to Elizabeth Roads, Lyon Clerk at the Court of the Lord Lyon, the big guy grants about 150 new arms every year. Roads said the increase in petitions was a result of people seeking out their roots. That may be bad news for those of us on this side of the pond who lack Scottish ancestry--unless you happen to think your pretentious neighbor looks good in a kilt.

© 2004