Is Romance Dead?

Nathaniel Branden knows something about relationships. The author of "My Years with Ayn Rand," he had a long, tumultuous romance with the author of the novels "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged," despite the fact that they were both married.  He was the best-known figure in Rand's inner circle until she kicked him out in 1968 because he'd fallen in love with another woman (not, as it turned out, his wife). In the years since, Branden, a psychotherapist, has written several books on love and self-esteem. His classic "The Psychology of Romantic Love" was first published in 1980; a revised and updated version goes on sale this week. Branden now sees patients and leads workshops as a corporate consultant based in Los Angeles. NEWSWEEK's Temma Ehrenfeld spoke to Branden, 78, about how his views on open relationships, and on romantic love, have evolved over the past four decades. Excerpts:

NEWSWEEK: The subtitle of your book is "Romantic Love in an Anti-Romantic Age." What do you mean by "anti-romantic"?
 Nathaniel Branden: We are living in a time of terrible emotional shallowness. There is a lack of depth and passion in young people, and it shows up in their relationships. It's not good news for romantic love, and that means it's not good for people. They don't understand what they're depriving themselves of. There has to be some way back to intimacy.

You write eloquently about the courage and self-esteem that love requires.
Romantic love can be terrifying. We experience another human being as enormously important to us. So there is surrender—not a surrender to the other person so much as to our feeling for the other person. What is the obstacle? The possibility of loss. Need creates a vulnerability that can be frightening and enraging. Romantic love is not for children. Ten-year-olds can't have romantic love and neither can a 35-year-old whose view of his self-interest is fit for a 10-year-old.

Do you need to be happy yourself before you can be happy in a marriage?
Yes. If we are happy within ourselves, we don't accept or demand that our partner should fulfill every need. We need to be comfortable with our own company.

Some people say the real challenge is to be happily independent, relying on friendships rather than a romantic partner.
The evidence is strong that people want romantic love. I see it with gay clients as well as straight. I'm not writing a prescription for the whole race, but from the work I've done I've seen that people want a relationship in which they are loved and valued in a very profound way, where they will accept and be accepted, will admire and be admired and will have sex.

What advice do you give young people about creating passion and romance in their relationships?
Many years ago I was having lunch in a restaurant and woman came in whom I knew slightly. She was dating a friend of mine. I said, how are you getting on? She said, "We've had a very good thing. I'm a very experienced woman sexually, and he's the best lover I've ever had. But I'm going to end the relationship pretty soon." I said, That's a pretty strong endorsement. What's the negative? She said, "Nathaniel, he's just too eager to please. He's technically very good, but everything is for me." He gave no indication of selfishness of a benign kind.