The Real Laws of Attraction

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And that's good news, right?
Finkel: It's good news with regard to earning prospects and bad news with regard to looks!

So what's the verdict on beauty vs. brains?
Finkel: It might be that men and women don't differ in how much looks matter in initial attraction. We are running a study now, in collaboration with a speed-dating company, with 6,500 people who were single at the time. Now three years later, we're following up to see whether they got married and did that person match. What we'll be able to do is see if their stated ideals three years ago actually match with the person they're marrying.

Eastwick: My hunch is that their ideals changed, not that they found the person who matched their original ideals.

The other dating adage is that attractive people get extra benefits in life and may just marry other attractive people, who earn more money. Right?
Eastwick: Attractive women are marrying attractive husbands, and attractive people make more money because attractive people get more of everything in life.

Did you actually get some love matches in the course of your study?
Eastwick: We did create several couples. I don't know if any of those couples are still around today. When we like to brag about the effectiveness of speed dating, we will talk about figures like one third of our speed daters in the month following the event spent at least some time hanging out with somebody they hadn't known prior to the event.

How did you find the participants?
Eastwick: We always collaborate with student groups. We had to turn away hundreds and hundreds of people.

So lots of students wanted to do their part for research and science?
Eastwick: They'll date for science, yes!

Finkel: We have videotapes of the dates this time. It's funny how frequently people will say things like, 'This is kind of goofy, but I'm happy to do it. It's for a study.'

Are you married?
Finkel: I am engaged, and Paul is in a serious relationship.

Did you ever meet anyone through speed dating?
Finkel: We did as a class field trip go speed dating four years ago. It was fun. Basically everybody Paul met said yes to him. I ended up dating someone.

The short of it is she might not put up with his table manners and paunch for the money he earns, because she earns money too. Anecdotally

1. I was told years later (Nov. 2007, well after a college lady friend married) that the sort of eating in a hurry in ye olde college cafeteria is about the quickest way to lose a girl like herself. I still thank the LORD I made it home safely at the end of that weekend, because that truth really hurt, although intended to improve my dating situation in 2007.
2. A petite woman who has never seen, let alone read The Joy of Sex (which describes a variety of accommodations) is understandably going to have apprehensions about the missionary position if he is very much heavier than she is, no matter how much she thinks she loves him (1997).
3. If James Dobson's assessment of women's focus on the inside vs. the outside was correct, I have a sneaking feeling I would have dated more frequently in that Christian singles group in Washington DC between 2002 and 2006, possibly even been married by now. The country song "Guys Do It All The Time" seems more applicable instead,

Perhaps the test should be repeated at various age groups. This seems to be aimed at undergraduates. The prefrontal cortex lobe is not fully developed until age 25, yet many women marry a year or two out of college. I knew a 23-year-old bride and separately, a 22-year-old groom amongest my Christian college grad friends. I do not suppose young people, at least those who feel compelled to marry to have sex (Christians), are denying themselves the "benefits" of marriage any longer than they have to. (I should have known that was the reason... I asked a non-religious friend why so many of them were marrying so fast, and she chortled and explained our belief system to me....)

We ask young people to do a lot of things before the prefrontal cortex lobe fully matures, with potentially far reaching consequences...

1. military service
2. choosing a college major and by extension, career field
3. often, choosing a mate within one's twenties
4. having a child as young as one's twenties. and if the child seems to be prenatal abnormalities, consider abortion
5. drive, as young as 16
6. get student loans and usually a credit card, manage money

But again, how would late thirtysomethings, like me, or fortysomethings approach mate selection? I don't necessarily think the results are generalizable.

With the divorce rate being what it is, perhaps, just perhaps, the only bright side to being involuntarily single for a decade or two, or longer, is being a superior spouse by virtue of experience when finally being given the opportunity.

Anecdotally, I have just figured out in my own mind that I have to lose a lot of weight to get noticed by a woman.
1. I will be noticed from a distance and approached if I look, ummm, attractive. It implies a body mass index more like 30 than 40, and preferably more like 25.
2. Qualities like character, intelligence, personality, and humor can only be observed from social interaction not halfway across the room.
3. I am sure not every American female is an idiot but not every such American female is available or in my area.
4. I am fairly certain that educating an American idiot is not an option. Who is the more foolish, a fool, or a fool who tries to educate a fool? Perhaps the American white middle class has been so comfortable, so coddled and spoiled, and so unaccustomed to genuine problems, they invent their own crises, such as gaining 10 pounds.

I have lost nearly 50 pounds off my worst case number. That only leaves 97 more pounds to go. Persistence to my diet is the primary key. Ratcheting up the exercise over time, and keeping it up over the next year or two, is the rest of it. I didn't get it all at once nor will I lose it all at once.

But let's try expanding on the research.

Christopher Marsh
Alexandria VA

Master of Arts
Sociology
Marshall University
Huntington WV

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Posted By: cmarsh @ 06/13/2009 5:13:08 AM

The short of it is she might not put up with his table manners and paunch for the money he earns, because she earns money too. Anecdotally

1. I was told years later (Nov. 2007, well after a college lady friend married) that the sort of eating in a hurry in ye olde college cafeteria is about the quickest way to lose a girl like herself. I still thank the LORD I made it home safely at the end of that weekend, because that truth really hurt, although intended to improve my dating situation in 2007.
2. A petite woman who has never seen, let alone read The Joy of Sex (which describes a variety of accommodations) is understandably going to have apprehensions about the missionary position if he is very much heavier than she is, no matter how much she thinks she loves him (1997).
3. If James Dobson's assessment of women's focus on the inside vs. the outside was correct, I have a sneaking feeling I would have dated more frequently in that Christian singles group in Washington DC between 2002 and 2006, possibly even been married by now. The country song "Guys Do It All The Time" seems more applicable instead,
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Posted By: cmarsh @ 06/13/2009 5:02:17 AM

She might be bringing home plenty of bacon, in fact more than he is, and might not want to come home to a pig for a husband. Depends on the woman, but she is liberated from old ways if she doesn't care for them.
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Posted By: cmarsh @ 06/12/2009 6:15:14 PM

Perhaps the test should be repeated at various age groups. This seems to be aimed at undergraduates. The prefrontal cortex lobe is not fully developed until age 25, yet many women marry a year or two out of college. I knew a 23-year-old bride and separately, a 22-year-old groom amongest my Christian college grad friends. I do not suppose young people, at least those who feel compelled to marry to have sex (Christians), are denying themselves the "benefits" of marriage any longer than they have to. (I should have known that was the reason... I asked a non-religious friend why so many of them were marrying so fast, and she chortled and explained our belief system to me....)

We ask young people to do a lot of things before the prefrontal cortex lobe fully matures, with potentially far reaching consequences...

1. military service
2. choosing a college major and by extension, career field
3. often, choosing a mate within one's twenties
4. having a child as young as one's twenties. and if the child seems to be prenatal abnormalities, consider abortion
5. drive, as young as 16
6. get student loans and usually a credit card, manage money

But again, how would late thirtysomethings, like me, or fortysomethings approach mate selection? I don't necessarily think the results are generalizable.

With the divorce rate being what it is, perhaps, just perhaps, the only bright side to being involuntarily single for a decade or two, or longer, is being a superior spouse by virtue of experience when finally being given the opportunity.

Anecdotally, I have just figured out in my own mind that I have to lose a lot of weight to get noticed by a woman.
1. I will be noticed from a distance and approached if I look, ummm, attractive. It implies a body mass index more like 30 than 40, and preferably more like 25.
2. Qualities like character, intelligence, personality, and humor can only be observed from social interaction not halfway across the room.
3. I am sure not every American female is an idiot but not every such American female is available or in my area.
4. I am fairly certain that educating an American idiot is not an option. Who is the more foolish, a fool, or a fool who tries to educate a fool? Perhaps the American white middle class has been so comfortable, so coddled and spoiled, and so unaccustomed to genuine problems, they invent their own crises, such as gaining 10 pounds.

I have lost nearly 50 pounds off my worst case number. That only leaves 97 more pounds to go. Persistence to my diet is the primary key. Ratcheting up the exercise over time, and keeping it up over the next year or two, is the rest of it. I didn't get it all at once nor will I lose it all at once.

But let's try expanding on the research.

Christopher Marsh
Alexandria VA

Master of Arts
Sociology
Marshall University
Huntington WV