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Sending the kids off to college is one rite of passage. But it's when they finally leave for real that the biggest breach begins.

By Anna Quindlen | NEWSWEEK
From the magazine issue dated Mar 3, 2008

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  • Posted By: robgarcia4 @ 03/06/2008 7:49:52 PM

    About your article "Not Semi-Soldiers. You opinion on letting women get in combat units and fight like men. Well I'm sorry to tell you this shocking news, but women can't fight like men and never will. The feminist movement has controlled the minds many Americans for the last 30 years. I'm not buying it. We have separate events for the Olympics of men and women events. You don't have have a Phd. to understand why. Women are the weaker sex, and that is a fact. Our enemies would love to find out that they will be fighting women in battle; an easy kill.

  • Posted By: fatima109 @ 03/03/2008 11:05:43 AM

    I go to Wesleyan and I am graduating this year, and this really pulled my heartstrings. Don't worry that you're alone in this because I'm sure your son is feeling a lot of the same pull...At least I am. I think more than my mom is.

  • Posted By: fatima109 @ 03/03/2008 11:05:08 AM

    I go to Wesleyan and I am graduating this year, and this really pulled my heartstrings. Don't worry that you're alone in this because I'm sure your son is feeling a lot of the same pull...At least I am. I think more than my mom is.

  • Posted By: fatima109 @ 03/03/2008 11:04:57 AM

    I go to Wesleyan and I am graduating this year, and this really pulled my heartstrings. Don't worry that you're alone in this because I'm sure your son is feeling a lot of the same pull...At least I am. I think more than my mom is.

  • Posted By: Regrets not having a daugher @ 03/01/2008 10:32:12 PM

    For Parents of Girls and Adult Girl children - and a lament for Parents of Adult Boy children

    If you have a female child, count your blessings over and over! If you have a boy baby, keep trying for a girl! Why? Because girls will stay in touch with you. If you're a new mom or dad, you may not be thinking about your lives after your child turns 18. If you're lucky and do things right, they will go off and be successful, goal-oriented, creative, productive members of society. But if you have a boy-child, you can say "sayanora" when he turns 18. Even though you might hear from your son occasionally, you will not know him. This is very painful, especially if you'd had a close relationship.

    Adult girl-children will will want to be a part of your life and will want YOU to be part of THEIRS! So adopt a girl if you possibly can! I speak from a profound sense of loss...I screwed up by having only one child - a son. And while I am ecstatic that my son is an apparently happy, well-adjusted, successful professional, I bitterly regret having just one child, and bitterly regret not having a daughter!

    If you have a daughter: thank your God (and I mean, right now) that you had a girl-baby. She will be close to you all of your life! You are so, so lucky! Please appreciate it. Beyond the teen years, your female offspring will stay close.

    This is what it feels like, to have only a son:

    Imagine if you had a child, (and breastfed him for gosh-sakes) and raised him, and then only heard from him sporadically. You helped him through college. You did not abuse this child, you loved him with all your heart. This child grows up

    Now. Imagine he took no particular interest in you.

    He comes to a family gathering and doesn't come over to talk to you. Imagine, your son, grown, does not come to you to say "hello" and communicate, as in "How are you, mom?

    He is too independent and doesn't need any mom-love vibes.

    He doesn't need you, and he's not interested in how you feel or what is happening in your life.

    Try to imagine how that feels. Just try.

    It feels like there's a hole in your heart, it feels like a death.

    To all the Boys/Men out there, if you haven't called your parents in over a week, call them NOW! And make a point of talking with them once a week, at least. It will do you both good. Just reach out and ask them how they are doing. Tell them one thing about current events in your life. This little bit of connection will lift all of you and make you feel like believing in life! You are all in the world together, like it or not, so keep the love going. Life is good. Share the love.

  • Posted By: sci30mom @ 02/29/2008 12:23:14 PM

    Great article. I look forward to reading your columns each week and this one especially hit home. As mother to a 23 yo son who will graduate from grad school next month and an 18 yo daughter who will leave for college in the fall, I can appreciate your words. The last sentence especially hit home --"His home is now elsewhere." My son called last week on his way home from a conference in Washington. When I was speaking to my husband later about the call I casually mentioned that our son was on his way home tha tmorning. My husband said, "When's he getting here?" I had to reply that I meant his home and not ours. It's hard getting used to! Thanks for the reminder that it's just another part of being parents.

  • Posted By: BlackBart213 @ 02/28/2008 5:19:33 PM

    What a great piece. I'm on the other side of the issue - I've recently moved into my own apartment, I have my own stainless steel skillet that I cook religiously out of, and I frequently call home. My mom always says she misses me and has told me in the past that she loved it when I was home during breaks in college.

    Mothers everywhere - trust me when I say your affection is definitely appreciated and missed. While we love our independence, we also love being mothered.

  • Posted By: lisemc @ 02/28/2008 2:41:27 PM

    Each week as I settle down to read my Newsweek, I always look forward to your column on the last page. This week's article was a special treat at the end of my day. As a pediatrician and a mother I always hoped for a happy, independent and responsible child that would be ready to face the adult world. But as we drove off after leaving our wonderful son on the sidewalk by his dorm at a college 12 hours from home last fall, I was devastated. He was ready but I was not. Now when he is home for college breaks, nothing warms my heart more than to see my son's car in the driveway when I return home from work, or see his door closed and know that he is sleeping in his bed as I leave for work in the morning, knowing I will get a sleepy phone call sometime after noon. After reading this column, I know I have a few more years to cherish before he heads off to the real world. My heart will again be devastated. But for now, I know that my son will be home in 2 weeks for spring break - I can't wait for the "hey Mom!'

  • Posted By: lzdallas @ 02/27/2008 9:15:12 PM

    Tell me Anna Quindlen - as the person who has "mothered" for 29 years, I came home to the empty nest this fall. My heart breaks every day around 5:30 when I realize that I'm not juggling board meetings and cross country meets; band concerts and out of town business trips. I tell myself that my husband and I will learn to love this new life - but its amazing how I cling to my Blackberry because of those quick text messages that I find myself yearning fo: Hi Mom. Hd a gd da. Luv U. H


  • Posted By: rnmom3 @ 02/27/2008 3:42:05 PM

    What mother can't identify, if not now, eventually? Ms. Quindlen always writes eloquently, but perhaps most poignantly when addressing motherhood.
    And now, how about the recipe for "shell steak"?

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