MY TURN

A Sisterhood of Suffering

When I miscarried, I was devastated. But I soon learned there were many more out there like me.

NEWSWEEK

Mar 31, 2008 Issue | Updated: 1:13 p.m. ET Mar 22, 2008

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Posted By: Fleg @ 04/16/2008 11:36:16 AM

Comment: Dear Carla and sisterhood,
I read your story and cried. I too belong to the invisible and silent sister hood of suffering. I agree that NO ONE talks about the possiblility of miscarrying until after it happens. It was over 10 years ago but it seems like yesterday. But for me, I had had a beautiful baby girl exactly when I wanted her. Then within a year I was pregnant again and lost the baby cruelly at 5 months of pregnancy. I will never forget the imagine of my dead baby. She was so beautiful. Then the doctor said, it was unexplainable and that there was no reason not to try again. After another year I tried again and got pregnant. After the first doctors visit all was well. She said to come back 3 weeks later. At that time we did an ultrasound and I knew when I looked at the screen that there was no heartbeat any more.It was 3 months this time. I will never forget the look on my doctor's face and how hard it was for her to tell me what I already knew. I told her- This is the last time you will see me pregnant and it was. No one could ever explain why a healthy young woman could have miscarriages. Only after this happened did I realize how expansive our sisterhood of suffering really was. I agree that it is NOT talked about at the doctor's office or in magazines etc. It is something that unfortunately you find about about the hard way.
I also do not understand comments (like my mohter's) that God does things for a reason, it is God's will etc... How could God want me to suffer like this? Why?
Then I always have to answer the question - when are you going to give your daughter a sibling? Or how come you only had one? People can be so insensitive if they don't understand.
Thank you very much for having the courage and strength to write your article. I see by the other comments that we are not alone and we all understand each other. After all these years, I am still crying as I write these words......
Posted By: boppymommy @ 04/14/2008 8:10:25 PM

Comment: I, too, had multiple miscarriages. I told people at work for the very reason a previous poster stated: I wanted people to understand why I was crying at the drop of a hat and not my usual self. What I found was that there was a "sisterhood of suffering.: I called it the miscarriage club for lack of better term. In this club I found understanding, caring and hugs. No trite explanations just the right kind of help that I needed. So, Carla, thank you for writing such a great piece about a subject that is not spoken about nearly enough in our society.
Posted By: amandadehaven @ 04/07/2008 4:36:52 PM

Comment: Thank you so much. I just had my third miscarriage in one year. All the feelings you describe - I go through them too. The things happen for a reason comment gets to me too. How can God want you to have three miscarriages in one year?? I do not find that possible. It is one of those things that happen. No reason really. They just happen. I am still struggling through post partum depression from all three miscarriages happening so closely in such a short period of time. We are playing it cool too. Take care of yourself!
Posted By: jjdoyen @ 04/04/2008 5:17:48 PM

Comment: Thank you, Carla, for sharing your story. I miscarried only a week prior to reading your article. I felt like I was reading my own story in yours - an unplanned pregnancy (my first), the fear followed by joy and excitement, and then the devasting emptiness. The difference is that I've told very few people, mainly because I don't know how to. But your article was comforting to me. Thank you.
Posted By: jjdoyen @ 04/04/2008 5:17:07 PM

Comment: Thank you, Carla, for sharing your story. I miscarried only a week prior to reading your article. I felt like I was reading my own story in yours - an unplanned pregnancy (my first), the fear followed by joy and excitement, and then the devasting emptiness. The difference is that I've told very few people, mainly because I don't know how to. But your article was comforting to me. Thank you.
Posted By: dwhartman @ 04/03/2008 11:48:57 AM

Comment: We went through all the tests and tried various ways to have a baby. We finally had Allison after normal conception. The scars from the numerous pregnancy losses will never leave me. I have become a baby hog and am happy for my friends who become parents. Holding a baby tends to close the wound but I am sure it will never completely close it. While it sucks for the woman, it sucks for the man too.
- Posted By: amandadehaven @ 04/08/2008 17:40:59
  
  Comment: I wish my husband had you to talk to. He is taking our three losses VERY hard.
Posted By: dwhartman @ 04/03/2008 11:43:16 AM

Comment: Enter Your Comment
Posted By: dwhartman @ 04/03/2008 11:43:14 AM

Comment: Enter Your Comment
Posted By: dwhartman @ 04/03/2008 11:38:27 AM

Comment: From a husband.
My wife and I had four miscarriages. They all hurt. The first was devastating. People were supportive in their own way. I could not however accept "It was God's will." God never talked to me about it.
A few years after that we had Greg. Life was great again. When we decided to go for it again, we had 3 more miscarriagess
miscarriages
- Posted By: dwhartman @ 04/03/2008 11:48:45
  
  Comment: We went through all the tests and tried various ways to have a baby. We finally had Allison after normal conception. The scars from the numerous pregnancy losses will never leave me. I have become a baby hog and am happy for my friends who become parents. Holding a baby tends to close the wound but I am sure it will never completely close it. While it sucks for the woman, it sucks for the man too.
Posted By: Melissar2 @ 04/02/2008 11:10:07 AM

Comment: Pregnancy loss is so very common and yet seems to be such a taboo subject. It is only after opening up the subject that you realize the breadth of its reach. But opening up that subject is a great hurdle to overcome. The misguided advice to wait to announce your pregnancy fuels the awkwardness associated with mourning its demise. How do you mourn the loss of something you had yet to acknowledge existed? The medical profession seems no better equipped to assist in this regard than the public at large. Having lost 4 children to miscarriage, all of whom were conceived through expensive, invasive IVF procedures, the suggestion that I could "try again in a few months" was little comfort. It was more like a slap in the face.
Posted By: Lzymzy @ 03/31/2008 8:20:35 PM

Comment: I've had three early pregnancy losses in the last year and a half (Dec???06, Jun???06, Feb???08). My family and friends are brutal in their desire for my husband and I to bear children. I say brutal because every time they ask that seemingly innocent question, "when?", I feel like I'm being beat over the head with my losses. I made a decision after the second loss to tell people my experience when they ask. Most of the time they get fidgety, look away and tell me, "at least you know you can get pregnant", or "when God decides the time is right it will happen". My intention is not to make them uncomfortable, exactly. I want to inform them. I want them to know I'm struggling. I maintain a very matter of fact attitude about the losses, but my heart is broken inside. I also want them to know how common pregnancy loss is. About all the women who go through the vivid and heart wrenching experience of losing that potential inside them. I admit it, I feel shame. I feel like I failed. I???m a scientist, so I KNOW these things are not true. But I cannot control how I feel. I also feel that if I share, maybe some of the shame and failure will go away. Maybe when everyone understands how common pregnancy loss is, I can spare someone else the futile exercise of hiding in shame. And maybe they can heal a little faster.
- Posted By: amandadehaven @ 04/08/2008 17:40:00
  
  Comment: Hi. I have now lost three (right about the same time as you - December '06, June '07 and December '07). Is there any way we can form a support group on line?
Posted By: bentonpruitt @ 03/29/2008 8:35:50 PM

Comment: I want to thank Carla for her bravery in sharing her story. And yes, I do mean bravery. I know from experience that it is hard to share the news of an early miscarriage before some even know that you are pregnant. I also experienced a miscarriage about a week after getting that positive test result and had the pleasure of receiving the message from an apathetic messenger. Carla described the emotions so well and gave my husband understanding of what I was going through for the first time. It is amazing to me how many people have said that it must have been easy to recover since I wasn't really pregnant. If nothing else, I hope Carla's words will educate others that pregnancy starts from the moment of conception and while each woman has the right to decide how she deals with the pregnancy she also has the right to the compassion of those around her who minimize the effects of that tiny test result.
Posted By: Maren23 @ 03/28/2008 5:21:40 PM

Comment: Hello Carla, My name is Maren Caldwell and I must say that I know what it is like having endured a loss. Long story short, I just recently lost my first baby boy Ayden Bryan Caldwell two days before my due date on 8/9/07. I was 28 when I found out I was going to be a mom and my girl friend was on her way over to bring me information for starting my master???s degree. It was December 7, 2007 and that day will stay with me forever. My test was positive and I was shaking like a leaf, not knowing what was to become of my life, but at the same time I was overjoyed. Our stories are somewhat similar, yet different in their own way. I was a second grade teacher and 28 years old when I unexpectedly got a positive result on the first response test. I was trying to plan out everything right then and there, because that is what teachers do. As time passed I impatiently awaited the arrival of my precise baby boy. I was so ready to be a mom and that???s all I could focus on and think about 24/7. The nursery is done almost 6 months before my due date because I wanted everything to be perfect. His room is made up of surf boards, towels, beach balls, etc??? It is like something out of a magazine. Then, everything took a turn for the worse. To my disbelief I went into the doctor???s for a routine visit two days before my due date, having already suspected the worst due to no fetal movement, it was then that the doctor confirmed no heartbeat. I was devastated and I saw my life flash before my eyes, thinking the most off the wall things, like, why, how could this happen, why, how can I tell everyone who has been awaiting his arrival, why, it was almost as if I were in a one way tunnel and the walls were closing in on me. I could not even cry I was just screaming how and why, I wanted the doctors to cut me open and try to revive him, but they already knew it was too late. My father was actually with me and he called my husband and when my husband finally arrived, the tears began to pour like a fountain. It is almost 8 month from our sons death, and we have been trying every month believe me but no luck just yet. I cannot wait to be a mom of baby
# 2 and give Ayden a little brother or sister. There is so much more to my story and I tried to locate you but I was unsuccessful. I would love to hear from you.
Just another woman in the Sisterhood of Suffering, but I am very grateful for my life, it is just a little empty.
Maren Caldwell MEMFL23@aol.com
Posted By: eufreeka @ 03/28/2008 12:05:43 AM

Comment: Rarely does something hit this close to home for me. I lost a pregnancy in December, and I ignored the recommendation to keep the news private 'in case'. It seems to me that the suggestion to do so is really for others, not for us. I don't regret sharing the news of my pregnancy to all that I could because when I lost it (within a week of the announcement) I was able to go to some of those folks for comfort, and they understood where I was coming from!

I had been told that I wouldn't be able to become pregnant without hormone therapy and such, so when I found out I was, it was quite a miracle. When I lost the baby, it was doubly painful and I can only imagine how much harder it would have been to have to tell people that I HAD been pregnant, but now wasn't, to let them know what was wrong with me. It is a shame that we hide our pain to prevent others from feeling discomfort and that is really what the 'keeping it private in case' rule is all about in my estimation.
Posted By: rje315 @ 03/27/2008 9:53:01 AM

Comment: One of the things that has always amazed me with pregnancy is that you are supposed to wait to spread the news, in case something happens. However, if and when that something happens, it is no less hard on you if it happens at 9 weeks or at 15. When we lost 2 pregnancies (at 9.5 and 6.5 weeks), it seemed important to me that others know exactly why I was acting strange and possibly for some to allow me a little latitude. So while it is again hard to let others know that we are currently at 7 weeks (so maybe we don't jinx ourselves), it is undeniable that there is a lot on the line. So to all of you out there who are so understanding and supportive, I take strength from your words and hopefully I will have good news to spread in the future. Thanks for your strength, wisdom and generosity.
Posted By: nebl @ 03/27/2008 8:43:33 AM

Comment: This article couldn't have come at a better time. I lost a pregnancy this month. Thank you, Carla Drew, and thank you, Newsweek. You have given voice to the pain, and just reading this piece has been a great source of comfort. I truly heard my experience in your words. Blessings to all the sisters -
Posted By: teachrun67 @ 03/26/2008 10:15:58 PM

Comment: Thank you, Carla Drew, for "putting the word out." I recently lost a pregnancy -- my first -- and the writer in me has been struggling to put onto paper what Drew so succintly and eloquently wrote in this piece. Perhaps the most poignant sentence in her article is the one that brought me back to the tears that have become less and less frequent since I lost my pregnancy in January: Miscarriages "can tear away a piece of you that you didn't know was there."

The experience did teach me a lot about which of my friends to pull closer and which ones to distance myself from. Several of my best friends were really there for me, but others were not. And a brand-new friend, along with a friend whom I've kept at a distance for several years, checked in on me numerous times throughout the week after I learned that my pregnancy was not viable and the day that I miscarried.

As a person who values language, I've grown to hate the word "miscarriage." It implies some sort of fault either on the part of the woman or her body, when in fact most miscarriages result from chromosomal abnormalities that occur in even the healthiest and youngest of pregnant women. I prefer "pregnancy loss" -- a term that, for me, sums up both the gravity of the loss, which others often underestimate, and the arbitrary nature of unviable pregnancies.
Posted By: Grandma S @ 03/26/2008 4:00:05 PM

Comment: I am now 61 years old. As a young married woman, I had a beautiful girl baby at the age of 24. Then, after that, I had 7 miscarriages. The doctors tried to be kind--"the egg didn't implant correctly," "perhaps the embryo wasn't really viable," "you're still young and have many more chances," etc. My mother-in-law, always critical, had her own theories: "You weren't really pregnant, it was a false positive"; "if your house were cleaner. . . ", etc. My friends were wonderful and dear, but not one of them had ever "failed" this way. They couldn't relate. The worst of all was my husband. After my 7th miscarriage, he told me that I "wasn't enough of a woman for him," and he started a series of affairs (with "real" women, I assume). Now I'm a grandmother. My one beautiful baby is now the mother of 3, and my stepchildren (from my second marriage--Prince Charming found a "better" woman long ago) have another 4. So I wasn't given the opportunity to have the number of children I so wanted, but I now have seven little angel grandchildren. I make them clothes, I write them stories. I felt so awful as a young woman, but I feel I have won in the end. I hope that today's young women will bond together and help each other more thoroughly than my generation of women could. Yes, you will be terribly sad. Please help each other and keep the faith that someday, somehow, you, too, will be a happy Grandma or Great Aunt. God bless you!!
Posted By: msmoll91 @ 03/26/2008 8:58:36 AM

Comment: I miscarried 3 weeks ago. People said, "At least it was early," or, "At least you know you can conceive." While I realize these comments are meant to be kind, it does not ease the sorrow or the devastation (and yes, some shame) of losing my pregnancy. The truth is that unless you have experienced this level of hurt, all well meaning comments become trite platitudes. Thank you, Carla Drew, for voicing the support of sisters who seem to be the only voice of reason during the grieving process.
Posted By: hennachick @ 03/25/2008 6:23:57 PM

Comment: I felt very alone after my first miscarriage. I felt utterly lost after the second. But then I found a support group and after listening to others voice their pain I found my voice, and an emotional release I couldn't have fathomed. I'm still a member of the support group, but now I'm a member for those who need that shoulder to cry on. I have 3 children, and lost one more baby in between two full term pregnancies. I had the support the third time around and it made such a huge difference. Thank you for giving Carla Drew such a fine stage for others to hear her eloquent voice.
- Posted By: amandadehaven @ 04/08/2008 17:38:31
  
  Comment: Was your support group local or on the Internet? As I have now had three miscarriages, I need someone to talk to.
Posted By: hennachick @ 03/25/2008 6:23:31 PM

Comment: I felt very alone after my first miscarriage. I felt utterly lost after the second. But then I found a support group and after listening to others voice their pain I found my voice, and an emotional release I couldn't have fathomed. I'm still a member of the support group, but now I'm a member for those who need that shoulder to cry on. I have 3 children, and lost one more baby in between two full term pregnancies. I had the support the third time around and it made such a huge difference. Thank you for giving Carla Drew such a fine stage for others to hear her eloquent voice.