Hang Out on the Highway

The real beneficiaries of this trend might just be journalists and bloggers who get to write headlines like: "Virginia Declares War on Testicles" or "Fake Private Parts Are No Joke". And it's rare that we get to use the word "dangle" the way God intended. It's enough to make a New York Post headline writer's head explode.

"Truck nuts," as they're known in the trade, have been a growing menace to vacationing families on our nation's highways for at least a decade, and some lawmakers have recently taken notice of this disturbing hillbilly trend. A Maryland state legislator tried to outlaw the obscene decorations in 2007, but his bill never made it out of committee. That didn't stop Virginia state legislator Lionell Spruill Sr., who introduced a bill in the House of Delegates in January of this year to stop this scourge of free-swinging facsimiles. (This is the same group of lawmakers that a few years ago introduced a bill to outlaw low-riding baggy pants, forever known in the Virginia press as "the great Droopy Drawers debate." It later died in the state senate, which allowed Lincoln and Douglas to stop spinning in their graves.)

Spruill's bill to amend the centuries-old Virginia Code stated: "No person shall display upon or equip any motor vehicle with any object or device that depicts, represents, or resembles human genitalia, regardless of size or scale."

"Regardless of size or scale"? Let's be honest-that last part was just gratuitous, because no one is going to bolt a pair of microscopic family jewels on his Hummer. That would be embarrassing.

Alas, Spruill's bill died a quick death in the House Transportation Committee, but Spruill did not go down without a fight—or a sense of humor: "I remind this chamber that I said, 'Why can't I find my balls bill?!?'" he declared in a speech before the legislature, a pair of giant fuzzy ones draped around his neck. Not since Patrick Henry has such soaring rhetoric been heard in Richmond.

At the end of his speech Spruill vowed to try again in 2009. Until then you might want to make sure the Odyssey's stocked up on SpongeBob videos—anything to keep Johnny's eyes off the road on that next long car trip to Grandma's house.

© 2008