The Curious Lives of Surrogates

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  • Posted By: fmeyer @ 03/31/2008 7:51:34 PM

    Special case. I am looking for a lady that wants to have a child however doesn't necessarily want all of the responsibility. She is probably a professional, good athlete, well established and simply never had the time to develop a relationship or consider a family. Unfortunately my wife is not capable and she is more than willing to raise the child. Does this fall under the category of surrogate? I am not certain. I would like to hear from people on the subject as well as human beings that would love to bring a person into this world that can think beyond the bounty! fmeyer@katmai.ca Vancouver, B.C., Canada

  • Posted By: Melba @ 03/31/2008 7:50:37 PM

    I'd love to be a surrogate but in australia it seems it's just not possible. If anyone knows of a way let me know on melba_52@yahoo.com.au

  • Posted By: realitychick @ 03/31/2008 5:29:52 PM

    I don't want my tax dollars or insurance premiums going to fund surrogacy. I have a serious illness whose treatments often go uncovered by private carriers. If surrogate mother/army wives are directly or indirectly weighing taxpayers and the many Americans who are going uncovered because of healthy insurance costs. Sorry, but lack of babies isn't an illness, it's a life situation. Being childless isn't being sick. I can say that, because I am unintentionally childless myself (yes, did the IVF adoption route, to no avail) but I still don't think having children is a right. Surrogacy, like cosmetic surgery, is an optional practice that should be paid out of pocket by the parties involved -- not indirectly by the rest of us, with real, life threatening health conditions going untreated for lack of insurance coverage. I also find it odd that Newsweek typecasts those who withhold whole-hearted approval with surrocacy with extreme right-wing Christians and extreme left-wing feminists -- both of these camps are entirely absent in Europe, which is notedly unreligous, pro-women (in terms of family-leave policies, representation in government, etc.) and offer generous universal health care coverage. Which is strong evidence that surrogacy is money-motivated, and a kind of prostitution. In any case - if you must, do it on your own dime, not mine.

    • Posted By: Hawaiinavywife @ 03/31/2008 6:41:28 PM

      The increase in premiums and costs for insurance has more to do with people suing hospitals and medical staff than anything else. Surrogacy has little to do with it. Our surrogate's insurance is paying for her to have a baby. Same as mine would pay for me to have one. So whether I have a baby or she has one for me, insurance would have to pay. Thats why individuals pay their insurance premiums, and something else, as a military family, we are paying for this. This is not a featured benefit to military families or anything, we are forking over the $30,000. not you, not the government or anyone else. I hope you get well. We are doing this on our own dime. We are a normal family, I have PCOS and cannot have children, but I am just as entitled to a family as anyone else.

      • Posted By: proudGS @ 03/31/2008 7:47:00 PM

        After you've done your research thoroughly and have the info to back it up, please explain to me how you are helping to pay for me being a surrogate? Or any other "taxpayer" for that matter. Every last cent spent on surrogacy is covered by the IP's. (intended parents) I'm a taxpayer and have been since I was 12yrs old. I've never not worked and paid my own way. We pay for our own insurance which is covering this surrogate pregnancy as it did for our own children, but whatever is not covered my IP's pay for out of their own pocket. Not one single dime comes out of your pocket or anyone else's. Any surrogacy expense is paid for by them ('IF' I submit receipts,etc. but most times I pay for the items myself to keep their expenses down) and nobody else.

        Make an effort to learn a bit more before you start condeming people because of your own misperception of it.

    • Posted By: JailynMor @ 03/31/2008 5:58:11 PM

      I am so sorry about your illness. I wish you better health and healing. I know what a life threatening illness is like since I experienced that myself (and know the frustration of not having insurance coverage--maddening!) So, I have real sympathy for you in that regard.

      One correction to your post though if you don't mind. Actually, being infertile IS illness. I am pretty confused about why you would not think it such. Sometimes it is diagnosable and treatable, sometime it is not. Actually, infertility is catagorized as a disability according to the Americans with Disabilities Act (that is just legalese in a sense, but still significant).

      As for your calling childlessness a "life situation" that is not quite accurate. It is a life situation caused by an affliction (or past disease that though it may have been resolved, caused damage to the reproductive system--such as women who were exposed to the drug DES, whose reproductive systems were deformed/damaged, or women who had miscarriages and D&C's that damaged their uterus, causing subsequent infertility. Many miscarriages are caused by cervical damage or deformity or incompetence, and some are caused by hormonal imbalances, and some are caused by infections that don't resolve, and some are caused by immune issues, etc... So again, not sure why you would dismiss this affliction.

      I also want to mention if you don't mind: To compare surrogacy to cosmetic surgery is just not a good analogy, I'm sorry to say, I disagree very strongly with you there. And, actually, in some cases, cosmetic surgery IS covered by insurance as it was after my daughter broke her nose, so the analogy falls short in that regard as well.

      As for the "life situation" you mention. An article a friend sent me I thought addressed that thinking very well: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article756401.ece

      Thanks, and wishing you health and happiness.

  • Posted By: flyingace @ 03/31/2008 7:44:02 PM

    i think this is a wonderful idea and wish i could have been a surrogate. i loved being pregnant and knowing the miracle of birth is truly a blessing of GOD. the idea i copuld help somone have their own child is wonderful. too bad i am too old at 55 , but as a single mom it sure would have been a wonderful way to help with finances . i worked 2 and 3 jobs just to support my own. i could have done this and been able to spend more time with my own children. God richly bless all and i wish you all the best of luck with this decision. dianna

  • Posted By: ForestForestGump @ 03/31/2008 6:47:44 PM

    The Biblical examples of surrogate gestational carriers (especially Mother Mary and Jesus) was the author's most compelling argument against any Christian firebrand who tries to claim that this practice is unethical.

    • Posted By: KMidders @ 03/31/2008 6:54:29 PM

      i agree with that. im not a very religious person, but the indications of surrogacy are so prevelant in the Bible. the one story that everyone knows, the birth of Jesus, is like a slap in the face of how natural surrogacy is. id like to see someone try to say its unethical

    • Posted By: haunted911 @ 03/31/2008 7:01:41 PM

      Agreed - I was a surrogate for my sister and again for my best friend. My eggs were not used, as was my stipulation. I felt like the baby's house for a while, while they grew large enough to go to their new one. I wouldn't trade it for the world~~~!!!

  • Posted By: specedteacher380 @ 03/31/2008 7:41:31 PM

    I was a surrogate for my brother-in-law and his wife due to cancer. I did not get paid. People used to say to me, "you're such an angel" or "what you're doing is so great" but I used to answer "no, I'm doing this for revenge for all those obnoxious, loud toys they bought my kids and thought was funny.........wait 'til I give this kid his first drum set!"

  • Posted By: l0nec0wgirl @ 03/31/2008 5:23:33 PM

    A friend of mine lost her only baby at 38 weeks pregnant in a horrible car accident - as well as her uterus due to the trauma. Since then her best friend has stepped up to the plate selflessly and with courage and is now in the 9th week of her surrogacy for my friends. There is no exchange of money in this deal - it is out of pure love that she is being this surrogate. There are good people out there using it for good reasons so states and governments need to be careful with how they are handling these situations. Shame on people doing it for money because there are people out there who truly deserve children and that shouldn't come with an even pricier price tag then children already come with.

    • Posted By: proudGS @ 03/31/2008 7:37:48 PM

      "Shame on people doing it for money because there are people out there who truly deserve children and that shouldn't come with an even pricier price tag then children already come with"

      That you would make a comment like that w/out having a CLUE regarding surrogacy is absurd. What compensation we get is NOT for just "giving" someone a child. It's for the MONTHS involved in medical testing and drugs we pump into our bodies to just prepare for the transfer, the pain involved in taking some of these meds, the time we are taken away from our families to do this for another family, the fact that our families suffer to a degree of us not being as available for them for many different reasons....bedrest for example where we CAN'T take care of our families, invasive procedures that can be incredibly painful, the fact that WE are CARING for THEIR child. Essentially we are prenatal nannies...caring for their child until they can safely take them home. So, are you telling me that you don't pay YOUR babysitter or nanny for caring for YOUR kids?

      We are NOT doing this for the money, but on the flip side, MOST IP's are more hesitant about using a surrogate that refuses even a small comp. They want to make sure that their and their child's best interests are well taken care of.

  • Posted By: specedteacher380 @ 03/31/2008 7:37:14 PM

    I was a surrogate for my sister-in-law (and brother-in-law ) who could not carry her own child because of cancer. Everyone used to say things like, "what you're doing is so wonderful" and " you must be such an angel." But, I used to say, " no, I'm just doing this out of revenge for all those noisy, obnoxious toys they bought my kids.........can't wait 'til I give this kid his first drum set!" That usually got people wondering.....

  • Posted By: c-moe @ 03/31/2008 7:37:01 PM

    I think it's amazing that there's no mention of how this affects the husband /boyfriend in these relationships, as the husband of a former surrogate I can tell you from experience it's not as easy as they make it out to be in this article,
    there's the hormone shots that have to be given twice a day, the no intimacy of any kind six weeks before and six weeks after those shots start, the mode swings like you've never seen because of the hormones, and the list goes on, plus there's no support groups at all for husbands and what we have to deal with.

  • Posted By: giroal06 @ 03/31/2008 6:57:30 PM

    I've been trying to doing my reseach on this. Were a newly wedd. who's been trying for a year in a half now. I just found out with my Doctor i have polyp so I hope with this surgery when they remove it we can have babies but if not we hope to find a mother or woman who can maybe give birth to my child if anybody has any info. contact: giroal06@yahoo.com I would love to one day hold a child and call it my own.

    • Posted By: marcyoakleysave @ 03/31/2008 7:35:09 PM

      To giroalo6@yahoo.com feel free to email me at marcyoakley545@hotmail.com I live in Virignia and would be willing to see if I could be of help. I would need to check with my doctor and gynocologist. Where do you live? mm

    • Posted By: JailynMor @ 03/31/2008 7:07:48 PM

      Please be careful. There are unfortunately some unscrupulous people out there who prey on desperate people. Posting your email this way can attract those folks unfortunately. Good luck to you. I hope your surgery is a success. Trying for one year at what seems a young age (I am just sensing you are young-sorry if I've got that wrong) is difficult, but you seem to have time. Hang in there.

  • Posted By: lmejj5 @ 03/31/2008 7:31:35 PM

    I love helping people and would love to be a surrogate. I was chosen once years ago but the couple decided I was to live with them, use the doctor they said and I was not comfortable with all the demands they had. If they were more supportive and caring I may have but I felt they were to controling for me. I want to help someone that deserves a child to love and care for. If I can help anyone my email is rudy617@cox.net, I live in Rhode Island. I have two adult children 19 and 21 of my own.

  • Posted By: danicalifornia @ 03/31/2008 5:15:02 PM

    I don't think that it is disgusting at all the people want to help someone else have a baby, nor that they would rather have someone carry a baby that is theirs rather than adopt a child, and a lot of people are turned down for adoption, example: a gay couple, a single person who wants a child, but does not even have a prospect for a mate, but makes enough to well support a baby. Yes there are easier ways to make 20,000 dollars, however, a lot of the women who do this, are poor and uneducated, OR military wives, who are on a fixed income.

    The adoption process is not an easy one either, with a surrogate you have the baby, and it's yours, just as if you had it yourself, adoption, you have to go through social work, you have social workers in your house almost every week, they want your entire life on a piece of paper, and then it could be several years before you even get the chance to adopt a baby, so i would argue that paying a surrogate in the end would probably be cheaper and simpler, than the adoption process.

    Please stop putting down the women that want to have children, and the ones who want to help them get there.

    Our government spends money on much dumber things than military surrogates, like illegal aliens perhaps, i'd be much more concerned about that

    • Posted By: proudGS @ 03/31/2008 7:28:24 PM

      "Yes there are easier ways to make 20,000 dollars, however, a lot of the women who do this, are poor and uneducated, OR military wives, who are on a fixed income."

      So you got part of this right...yes, there are "easier ways to make $20,000" (FTR, those of us that DO receive comp do NOT get this much!) but the vast majority of us ARE educated, and NOT poor and NOT on a fixed income. That is a very broad, ignorant statement w/no backing. Comments such as that do us surrogates a great disservice to say the least.

  • Posted By: marcyoakleysave @ 03/31/2008 7:26:02 PM

    Hi I would love to help someone have a baby. My email is marcyoakley545@hotmail.com I have a 16 year old and I was adopted so I know non-traditional families work out great! I had a great upbringing! I love kids and babysit right now. Please contact me if you are looking for a surrogate. marcyoakley545@hotmail.com
    I live in Virginia.

  • Posted By: Krista P. @ 03/31/2008 7:22:46 PM

    While in college I almost became a surrogate for my brother and his wife after they lost 7 babies before they finally became parents! Eventually two more children followed. I am now 31 and a mother of 2 myself. I love being pregnant, and have had two excellent pregnancies. I would be very interested in becoming a surrogate for a deserving family in need of a little miracle. I can be contacted at kpicciotti@hotmail.com.

  • Posted By: marlajones @ 03/31/2008 7:11:47 PM

    There is a genetic condition in my family, which I have inherited, so once we are able to have her tested, if she does not carry the gene, I may receive an egg donation from my sister. I am planning on being the surrogate wet nurse so to speak, for her kids, because she probably will not want to breastfeed as long as I will. We will time our pregnancies to be at the same time or as close as possible, for this reason. I will pump and bring her bottles every couple days. There are meds and herbs such as fenugreek you can take if you need to increase your milk supply. Breastfeeding has a protective effect against the condition that runs in our family, so I would do this for both our kids to protect them against it. And, I am planning not to have a hysterectomy in case she or another family member (my cousins, etc.) ever need help with a pregnancy.

    • Posted By: KMidders @ 03/31/2008 7:21:18 PM

      im so glad to see that there are people like you in the world. i think its a great thing that you are doing :) best of luck

  • Posted By: love_my3girls77 @ 03/31/2008 7:09:01 PM

    I always think it is so funny how people say how someone who does not share your opinion on something is: judgemental, moralistic, from the stoneage. The facts- this is a place where we are expressing our opinions, you do not have to share the same opinion as I do-but thats all it really is. One view is not right and the other is wrong. I do think you should express your opinion without attacking someone elses-it just makes you look like a better person and for other people to be more willing to listen to what you have to say.

    • Posted By: KMidders @ 03/31/2008 7:19:01 PM

      its all about the debate, really. i dont know about other people, but i love to hear others opinions...its not that im craming my thoughts into their heads..they dont have to listen to me. i just like to express my views. the only exception is when people make ignorant, uninformed comments and then continue to try to prove themselves right. this whole comments page is like a huge conversation. thats the way i see it anyway.

  • Posted By: jenn r @ 03/31/2008 7:08:22 PM

    Hi I would love to be a surragate mother for family that want children. I have 3 wonderful kids myself.I am 33 year old. i can be reach at srjenn@hotmail.com

    • Posted By: JailynMor @ 03/31/2008 7:14:27 PM

      I would advise you to go through some other channels with this very generous offer. There are attorneys who specialize in this, and there are organizations such as Resolve (at www.resolve.org) that can help you. Good luck if you pursue this loving act of kndness.

  • Posted By: jenn r @ 03/31/2008 7:12:46 PM

    Hi I would love to be a surragate mother for family that want children. I have 3 wonderful kids myself. i can be reach at srjenn@hotmail.com.

  • Posted By: JailynMor @ 03/31/2008 6:37:16 PM

    www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article756401.ece

    • Posted By: KMidders @ 03/31/2008 6:41:55 PM

      I belive it. I have not gotten to the point in my life where I am ready for children, but I would be devistated if I couldnt have any of my own.

      • Posted By: JailynMor @ 03/31/2008 7:09:53 PM

        I have had a life threatening illness, and I'd pick that over and over and over and over, over infertility and pregnancy loss.

  • Posted By: letemlive @ 03/31/2008 6:13:29 PM

    If every baby that was killed via abortion was instead put up for adoption there would be no shortage of deserving babies to be taken home and raised by these people who want and can't have children

    • Posted By: korbut @ 03/31/2008 6:45:19 PM

      Abortion is a choice that is not undertaken lightly. It is absolutely essential for women to maintain control over their own bodies. Your black and white moralisation is unbelievably judgemental as well as logically flawed on numerous levels. Put your judgement aside for a moment and consider that many women who choose abortion do so because they have been raped, are carrying babies with birth deffects or are just way too young to be pregnant in the first place. Your views are straight out of the stone age!

      I think surrogate motherhood is complex and potentially problematic.....but that (handled correctly) it is a wonderful thing to do for another person/persons, and is just as commendable and incredible as organ donation.

      • Posted By: letemlive @ 03/31/2008 7:06:16 PM

        okay, lets put my judgement aside and exclude the low percentage of abortions done because of rape, disability of fetus or age of mother - the rest - (the majority) just got pregnant when they didn't want to and now want to murder the resulting child. it is unfortunate that in a system that charges such a small fee do do an abortion turns around and charges an outragous amount to someone who wants that child. I think it should be illegal to sell a baby that was unwanted in the first place.

    • Posted By: Hawaiinavywife @ 03/31/2008 6:57:57 PM

      I have honestly thought of standing outside and abortion clinic and pleaing with those women walking inside to let us have their baby. I truly have, I agree with you so much. I wish they would consider this.

    • Posted By: korbut @ 03/31/2008 6:40:42 PM

      Abortion is a choice that is not undertaken lightly. It is absolutely essential for women to maintain control over their own bodies. Your black and white moralisation is unbelievably judgemental as well as logically flawed on numerous levels. Put your judgement aside for a moment and consider that many women who choose abortion do so because they have been raped, are carrying babies with birth deffects or are just way too young to be pregnant in the first place. Your views are straight out of the stone age!

      I think surrogate motherhood is complex and potentially problematic.....but that (handled correctly) it is a wonderful thing to do for another person/persons, and is just as commendable and incredible as organ donation.

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