I Shaved My Legs for That?

So, according to the therapists, it's OK, to be a three-minute man, not a one-minute man?
Sex is a unique experience between couples. So believe it or not, one minute may be fine for some couples. But according to this survey, one minute is too short in the opinion of many therapists. And three minutes is considered adequate, the low end of adequate, but adequate nonetheless. This isn't gospel. But it's clear that the "one-minute man" can be frustrating for a woman. Just vaginal penetration is the least reliable way to bring a woman to orgasm.

But what about dinner and a movie? What about foreplay? Aren't these things part of the entire sexual experience?
In a class I teach on human sexuality I pose this scenario: "Two people had sex last night. Who did what to whom?" Essentially, that's asking the question "What is sex?" Bill Clinton certainly raised that issue. For most people, the definition of sex is the penis entering the vagina, and then ejaculation.

Let's try this a different way. Isn't foreplay important?
If you look up intercourse in the dictionary, the first definition is communication. So yes, foreplay is important. But how do you define foreplay? Is it that dinner and a movie, a great conversation over a bottle of wine, and then coming home and taking your clothes off? There need to be parameters on how to define "time" and sex. A previous study did break sex into two components, foreplay and intercourse. Couples were asked to report the actual and desired length of each component. Men wanted a combined average of 37 minutes and women an average of 33 minutes. But when comparing actual time to that desired time, both men and women wanted more of an increase in the length of time of intercourse than foreplay. Men wanted an increase to 18 minutes, from a reported time of 7 minutes. And women wanted an increase from 7 minutes to 14 minutes. So both men and women wanted intercourse to last longer.

Why do you think that is?
We are bombarded with images of men with hard erections who can go all night. As a society, we have such unrealistic expectations of sex. And that unrealistic expectation translates to our bedrooms. Hopefully, knowing what therapists think are adequate and desirable amounts of time for the sex act will reinforce a more positive message to couples that think they are having problems because they don't live up to an unrealistic ideal.

But doesn't a survey like this give men permission to be selfish underachievers?
Absolutely not. But it does give men the permission to feel OK if they can't sustain an erection for 30 minutes. And it gives women the permission to be realistic, too. It doesn't give anyone permission to stop thinking about the needs of their partner. And those needs can be met in a lot of different ways

© 2008