The Divorce Generation Grows Up
Of course, not everyone in the Divorce Generation was a loner. Like some strange antimatter, divorce drew some students together, allowing them to bond over their common wounds. One of the best-loved cliques at Grant was the trio of Lisa Cohen, Tonju Francois and Ruth Kreusch, the water girls for the football team. Smart, sexy and sassy, they were our "Charlie's Angels" with a multicultural twist, thanks to the busing program that was taking urban students to Grant and shaking up the school's reputation as a preserve for bubble-headed "Valley girls." "Lisa was the Jewish-American princess from the Valley, I was the black American princess from South Central and Ruth was the Mexican-American princess from the barrio," says Tonju, who was voted Miss Congeniality. Both Tonju's and Lisa's parents had recently divorced, and Ruth was looking to escape the verbal battlefield at home. "I really thank God that I had some good friends that I could kind of escape with and just not be surrounded by what was going on at home," Ruth says.
"Most of my friends had divorced parents, and the ones that weren't should have been divorced," says Lisa, whose father's new apartment became a refuge for the girls. An engineer, he worked long hours, and that gave Lisa a lot of freedom. "Probably too much freedom," she says now. "I was dealing with some emotional fallout from the divorce without really realizing it, and I acted out in some ways. My grades took a big dive. Fortunately, I was able to ride on test scores and things like that to get myself into college, so I didn't completely sabotage my future."
The future. How full of promise it seemed to us that senior year in 1982. Stepping to the podium at graduation to give a valedictory address, I plagiarized FDR and delivered a treacly speech about our "rendezvous with destiny." It was time to forge our own path, to break away from our parents' failed attempts at idyllic domesticity and set things right. Some of us would succeed. Some would not. But none would achieve the impossible: we couldn't escape our pasts.
That was apparent as we gathered at Grant last month to pose for photographs for this story. Most of us hadn't set foot on campus since graduation, and we marveled at how much the place looked like we remembered it. We said the same about one another—though inside, I'm sure everyone was thinking what I was: "Do I look as middle-aged as they do?" "This is our 'Big Chill' moment," my friend Michael Rothman joked.
Some people thought if they made it through high school without their parents' divorcing, they might somehow be immune to it once they went out into the world. But as Michael—who now goes by "Mic"—discovered, that was not true. "It just didn't seem like it would happen in my family," Mic says. But it did. One day when he was visiting home from college, his mother confided in him that she wanted to leave his father. "Their marriage was what people call 'good enough'—but in fact it wasn't good enough," he says.
Mic found himself in one of those good-enough marriages himself, when his wife of several years announced a year-and-a-half ago that she wanted a divorce. The revelation was as shocking to Mic as his mother's had been. "They say marriages break up over money and sex," Mic says. "The ironic part is that we made a lot of money and had a lot of sex. And we still broke up."
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Member Comments
Posted By: deliverybox @ 05/28/2008 9:19:23 PM
Comment: I'm definitely a little late with my comments but was just informed of this article today. I have read much of this commentary. I believe I'm fully qualified to comment. My dad has been married 8 times; my mom twice. My spouse's mom has been married 4 times. I have 2 great kids and have been happily married for 22+ years --- to the same woman! (get this I only knew her 3 weeks before we got engaged and 3 months before we married--ha!) I too am a class of '82 and my biological parents divorced when I was 8 years old. Their divorce affects me each and every day. And let me explain how. When I call mom, the step dad answers. I don't care. I don't want to talk to a "step" dad. I didn't ask for, nor do I wish to expend my energy, dealing with another person whom was unwillingly thrust into my life. Same story for my dad. When holidays come around it's a pain dealing with biological parents and "step" parents. Again, I didn't ask for "step" parents nor do I wish to establish a relationship with any---especially after my dad's 8 marriages. I feel so strongly in the institution of marriage and believe that if you sign-up and exchange vows, you're in it for life! Any other excuse won't cut it! Of course my wife and I have had our tough times, but we've gotten through them. My kids are so much more confident than I and my siblings. Why? Because we kept a strong family structure. We sucked it up and our marriage is as solid as a rock. For those who've commented that this divorce stuff is a bunch of psychobabble, I believe you're full of it. I've lived through divorce and I will live with the results for the rest of my life. Unfortunately so will my kids. They will never experience true grandparents. Ever try to do a family tree for a school project? Yeah, it sucks! Divorce has affected financial stability, emotional stability, and stability one could attain with years of family structure. Instead neither parent has any money, neither has a house that's paid for, neither has any money tucked away for the future, and neither can be depended upon for anything (like an emergency loan) or their grandchildren's needs (maybe a little something for college). Quite simply, because of their selfishness, we suffer. Now for those just itchin' to take a swipe at me with a "whoa is me" e-mail, I don't need it. Despite the mistakes of my parents I believe I've overcome many of life's obstacles. My point is, I didn't need the added hell caused by their immaturity and selfishness! Bitter? Maybe. But, like I said, divorce sucks and I live with it every single day!
Posted By: Dawn M Nelson @ 04/24/2008 10:13:53 PM
Comment: Thanks for revisiting the first generation of kids to deal with the increasing divorce rate. You shed light on a lot of issues we faced growing up with divorced parents. Some of us HAVE grown up and learned to deal with those issues in our own ways. It is something that was huge to have to grow through at the time, and it's good to read about others who went through it too. We know it still impacts our lives and our choices. How could it not? Thanks for not forgetting about us. We lived, now we understand, and are thus more understanding. It's nice to get to that place and great to read about from your perspective.
Posted By: mlevin0925 @ 04/23/2008 11:35:31 AM
Comment: The article is useless. It does nothing to shed light on what it is really like to be an ACOD - an Adult Child of Divorce. It is something you carry with you for the rest of your life because you are constantly dealing with the issue of having two people that can't stand one another integrate. It's casts a dark (but insignificant) cloud on every special event - birthday parties, weddings, school events, sports events, etc. It ends up being about not making one parent or another uncomfortable. You just hope that the parents can be unselfish enough and mature enough to not make the event about their discomfort, and not cause a scene. Such a pain. And then there is the need to explain to your kids why they may have so many sets of grandparents. Once a child of divorce, always a child of divorce.