'All You Have to Do Is Live'

Then once I started doing that, there was no stopping me. Because a lot of time at book stores there's only one chair in the room and it's behind the podium. I used to give it to a pregnant woman. I'd say if there's anyone here who's on crutches or pregnant, you can have this chair. But then I thought I'm giving away something I could be making money off of. So then I would say, for $20 dollars you can have this chair and be the first person to get your book signed after the reading.

Really?
[Laughs.] Yes. It was like a Robin Hood thing. If I said to people, "Oh give me this money, and I'll give it to charity," they're not going to give it to me. I tell people that I'll spend it on crazy things on myself, and I do do that. But sometimes you go to a public-radio station and there's an intern who is not getting paid, so you give them $100. Or you're signing books and there's someone who looks like they could use $50. So you say, you look like you could use $50, and you give them $50.

What do they say?
They're flabbergasted.

Do you do that for every tour?
You can only have one gimmick per tour, so when the hardcover of "[Dress Your Family in] Corduroy and Denim" came out I offered priority signing to smokers because they had less time to live, therefore their time was more valuable.

California just overturned the ban on gay marriage. Would you marry your boyfriend Hugh?
We're the sort of people who wouldn't get married. And I know a lot of heterosexual couples who are the same way. But there are a lot of things I would do in order to save money. When you think about saving money, then you think about a quiet ceremony ... I was listening to NPR and there were people outside a California court house, and this woman said: "I just texted my girlfriend and asked her to marry me." On the one hand it seemed sorta goofy, and on the other hand I started to cry because I was so happy for that woman ... When I heard that woman's voice and how joyful she was—that's what it took to make it seem really important to me, not for myself but for others.

Does Hugh think you're funny?
Nothing feels better than Hugh's laughter. He's not a silly person. He's a pretty serious person. So it's good when I get a laugh.

Is gay marriage legal in France?
No, it's civil unions. But you don't see the hysteria about it here like in the United States where people start saying, if we have gay marriage, then why don't we allow people to marry dogs? And I say, well, thank you! Thank you soooo much for explaining that to me. [Laughs.]

And you do say, I may write about people having sex with horses, but that doesn't mean I would like to marry a dog?
[Laughs.] Right. Now I think I'm going to change my answer and say I would get married. I would get married so I would never have to hear the word partner again. I like the word boyfriend, but now people feel like they have to say partner to be correct, and I think no, no, no, he's my boyfriend. It wouldn't matter if I were 80, he'd still be my boyfriend. If we got married, I suppose he'd be my husband, but anything beats partner. Lately, a lot of heterosexual couples have started using "partner," too, so now you don't even know who's gay. You hear a woman say, "me and my partner, Pat," and you have no idea if they're gay or not.

What kind of wedding would you have?
It would me wearing a sports coat, but not a suit, just going to city hall and signing a piece of paper.

And then dinner?
No, not even. Stopping on the way home and having potato chips.

© 2008