Scorecard: Boning Up on the Body Politic
There are many ways to predict who'll win the White House in November. The most fun? Physical appearance. A feature-by-feature face-off:
Height: Contrary to the CW, the shorter candidate has actually won four of the last nine elections. But at 5 feet 7, McCain is 6.5 inches shorter than Obama. The last time anyone overcame such a huge height gap was in '52—1852. We haven't elected a shorter-than-average prez since Ben Harrison.
Advantage:Obama
Eye Color: Of our 43 presidents, 38 have had blue, gray or hazel eyes. Two exceptions: disgraced Andrew Johnson and Richard Nixon. Sure, light eyes used to be more common. But even as the general incidence fell from 50 to 16 percent over the last century, our presidential peepers stayed 89 percent non-brown.
Advantage:McCain
Handedness: Only two POTUSes before '74 were known to be left-handed—Garfield and Truman. But since then, a full 66 percent—Ford, Reagan, Bush I and Clinton—were born southpaws, compared with only 10 percent of the greater population. And either Obama or McCain would continue the trend. How gauche.
Advantage:None
Baldness: The U.S. has elected only five hairless presidents, and four of them won the White House before 1880, when voters weren't forced to endure the sight of their shiny, uncovered craniums on TV. Ike beat a bald guy (Adlai Stevenson). Ford wasn't elected. And Dick Cheney wasn't technically president.
Advantage:Obama
Melanin: An exclusive NEWSWEEK analysis has determined that precisely 100 percent of our presidents have been white.
Advantage: McCain
The Final Score: A tie. Maybe there's something to that whole "waiting until Nov. 4 for the actual results" thing after all.
© 2008


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Member Comments
Posted By: chuckhasker@yahoo.com @ 07/09/2008 4:18:36 AM
Comment: Andrew I enjoyed your light hearted article. It was refreshing. Charley Hasker
Posted By: willnotvoteobama @ 07/02/2008 11:53:55 AM
Comment: KOOL-AID??????..From the kitchen of the obama sheeple!! take one heaping spoonful of an inexperienced elitist white male seeking self validation through exploitation of his african-american genetics. Combine two parts black liberation theology clerics spewing intolerance! With two parts of unrepentant intellectuals committed to the destruction of America. Stir in one cup of militant black wife harboring the overwhelming desire to stick it to whitey and one spoonful of typical white person grandmother mix well. Pour a gallon of anti-patriotism into tall glasses and sprinkle with naïve foreign policy ideations. Serve on a platter of meaningless oratorical hyperbole with a generous dollop of wealth re-distribution. Sprinkle liberally with zest of white guilt flip it and flop it till it tastes right.top it off with a ounce of anti-semitism and Serve large portions to the undiscerning and spellbound masses convinced that the Second Coming is upon America and now you have a complete recipe for disaster