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CULTURE | TRUE OR FALSE

Having Kids Makes You Happy

By Lorraine Ali | NEWSWEEK
July 7-14, 2008 issue

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  • Posted By: Susanroyle @ 11/06/2008 7:56:00 PM

    Comment: In my personal experience, it's not true that being childless makes you happy. I am in a second marriage, and my husband is older than I am. He had children from his first marriage and didn't want to start over again, despite my pleas. Fast forward to 20 years later, he's retired, and we're both lonely, bored and unfulfilled. It's not that we don't get along, we do. But everyone needs more than one important person in their life. People with family around, whether it's the nuclear family or extended family, have no idea how lonely and empty your life can be without family. I have found that as people age, they spend more time with extended family, particularly when they retire. I increasingly see our friends and neighbors spend more time with their grown children and grandchildren. We are spending more and more time alone. Aside from lacking people contact in my life, there is no greater human need than to be needed. I am envious of my friends who get a call from their children asking them to baby-sit. I would be thrilled to have someone need me like that.

  • Posted By: Greenwoman @ 11/06/2008 3:55:03 PM

    Comment: The change in our collective attitude to authority is what makes parenting stressful. We only recently emerged from a world that raised children primarily through punishment, and inflexible rules. It's taking us some time to master the new way of parenting. Consider: the old paradigm was in effect for about eight thousand years.

  • Posted By: Greenwoman @ 11/06/2008 3:51:38 PM

    Comment: Thank you "Time Matters" for some clear, helpful guidelines. I'm surprised that Lorraine Ali's article does not mention what I believe is the single greatest change in childrearing since the 1950's when I grew up: the improvement in our collective attitude toward authority. Children were once punished for "bad" behavior, and the rules were usually not negotiable. I know this caused great tension for those of us who struggled to raise children during the 1970's. We knew full well what now we should NOT do, but new alternatives were a challenge to learn, since we had NOT been raised even remotely like the new way in which we were attempting to raise our kids.
    Wouldn't it be wonderful if in 2008 we have finally reached the end of that shift, and a calmer, balanced approach to parenting becomes doable, day in, day out.

  • Posted By: time matters @ 10/16/2008 12:08:45 AM

    Comment: A great deal of a parent's level of happiness has to do with both structural and cultural realities. When my son was born (and he's 2.5 now), my husband and I have both grown and become - for the first time, truly content and happy. I am FAR less angry, far less bitchy, far more forgiving now. We laugh so much more since the birth of our toddler. Why? A few reasons that were not addressed in this article. 1) we both have jobs that pay well, have good health care, subsidized and excellent childcare, flexible hours (so my son is only in childcare 20 hours a week, though we both work almost full time). And we have both made very conscious decisions to live well within our means. So we get all those benefits, and we both work about 35 hours a week (we are both in education). And no, neither one of us comes from money, either. We have the TIME and the STRUCTURAL support that ALLOWS us to develop our capacity for happiness as a family. 2) The second reason is that we believe in attachment parenting. Our baby was worn constantly for the first year, we still nurse him, and we still cosleep. We will continue to cosleep until my son wants his own bed/room (and for those who wonder about sex, we have 6 other rooms in our house). Sleeping together is the most precious, sweet time that we send together. Waking up together is our favorite part of the day. Close attachment builds connections, and those connections are the human foundation for well-being. My husband spends as much time with out son as I do, and we also spend a great deal of time together as a family. The point is that most parents in our country do not have the time they need to make their families work. Often, this is...sadly....THEIR OWN CHOICE. That's sad. Aside from working poor (who need way ore societal support than what they currently receive), most parents could really cut down their hours at work, increase their family time, and actually get to that happy state that is our cultural ideal.

    This is true whether a family decides to have children or not. Time together matters, and so do decent wages and health insurance.

  • Posted By: budlightgirl @ 09/23/2008 9:47:13 PM

    Comment: It is true you dont have to have kids to make a happy and succesful life"And to be know as a loving kind ,gentle person or caring for other's. it's your own choose if you want kids or not in my case i wanted aleast one to experince motherhood. some people may say there little devil's or they make you nut;s in some cases they do.but the thing i love most is your child tells you they love, yeah you might hear it from other's but, it is nothing like your own child telling you. And also they are good little helper's there just so special it;s hard to explane really . to me nothing is better then being a mother

  • Posted By: budlightgirl @ 09/23/2008 9:45:53 PM

    Comment: It is true you dont have to have kids to make a happy and succesful life"And to be know as a loving kind ,gentle person or caring for other's. it's your own choose if you want kids or not in my case i wanted aleast one to experince motherhood. some people may say there little devil's or they make you nut;s in some cases they do.but the thing i love most is your child tells you they love, yeah you might hear it from other's but, it is nothing like your own child telling you. And also they are good little helper's there just so special it;s hard to explane really . to me nothing is better then being a mother

  • Posted By: j7523 @ 08/23/2008 2:45:23 PM

    Comment: Question: Does having children make you happy? That depends on your viewpoint! It is true that your life can be turned up side down with babies, even as they grow from toddlers, to adolescents, to teens, to young adults, and beyond. There is lots of noise, confusion, arguing, disruption in routine, expenses, loss of sleep, etc. The list could go on forever! But, the end result is that you, as a person, mature in ways that you never thought you would. Not with standing all of the negativity posted above, children TEACH US... Each one has a different personality, and by some mysterious unknown power we learn things that we could never learn without them. Things like being selfless, being forgiving, being completely loving, being able to extend ourselves for someone else, sharing when we don't feel like it... My own children have taught me to stop and smell the roses...to follow my dreams...to take time for me...how easy it is to be soft and gentle to others...to find pleasure in a job well done...to view things from a different perspective...and to just be happy with life and to be alive. I have seven children and i am thankful for each and every one. They were typical kids as they were growing, however they have grown and developed into thoughtful, caring, selfless, hardworking adults. All seven believe in a free enterprise system, utlizing their God given talents, and living llife to it's fullest. I am "blessed" greatly for being a part of their lives. joanpg/Orem,UT

    • Posted By: Manee1 @ 08/28/2008 11:33:37 AM

      Comment: Unfortunately, many people with children don't emphasize or even realize that one can acheive all those things in oneself without having children. I don't need to have children to be selfless, forgiving, completely loving, be able to extend myself for someone else, sharing when I don't feel like it. I can stop and smell the roses, follow my dreams, take time for myself, be soft and gentle to others, find pleasure in a job well done, view things from a different perspective...and to just be happy with life and to be alive. All without having kids! Kids aren't necessary for any of that. I'm happy for those who have found those things out through their path of having kids, but kids aren't needed for any of it.

  • Posted By: ngy460 @ 08/14/2008 10:08:28 PM

    Comment: it don' make y'all happy when some ho you been with sue y'all for paternity,an worse yet ,she wins

    • Posted By: momorita @ 08/18/2008 5:45:28 AM

      Comment: If you don't want to pay for kids, then don't have any. Buy some condoms and then use them. Whether you have kids or not should be a choice, not an accident.

    • Posted By: momorita @ 08/18/2008 5:44:16 AM

      Comment: If you don't want to pay for kids, then don't have any. Buy some condoms and then use them. Whether you have kids or not should be a choice, not an accident.

  • Posted By: BlueCornMoon @ 08/12/2008 11:59:39 PM

    Comment: I'm past 50 & don't have kinds. I never met the right person so I never married. To tell the truth I could never really see myself being pregnant,giving birth & being a mother altho I love kids. The final decision was in effect made for me because I never had to tell a prospective husband that I didn???t want to have kids.I'm an elementary teacher & have had thousands of kids in my 30+ year career.I love teaching kids & watching them learn .I've gotten commendations for my work with kids. Am I miserable? NO. I have several gal pals who are the same way. No husband no kids.No adoption either because we grew up in happy two parent families & believe that???s the best way to raise kids.

    I say this...be true to yourself ; ignore pop culture, people who bring up the Bible???s ???be fruitful & multiply??? & whatever other folks say about your decision. The real sin is bringing a kid into this world just to please others, or having one & not caring for it properly. Better to have NONE than to do that. If you want kids,have them. If you don't want them,don't have them & each side respect the other's decisions. There's no law that says you have to do either so do what you want.It???s one of the most personal decisions you???ll ever make & outsiders should NOT be involved. It???s YOUR LIFE not theirs! I think a lot of folks who really gripe about having their kids around all summer or having to spend lots of time with them when they don't want to probably had kids because "that's what you're supposed to do" & they went along & followed the crowd.....without really thinking about what parenting involves & whether they really wanted to do it. It was more important to them to avoid being thought weird or selfish & now they're miserable.

    Saying everyone should have kids is like saying everyone should become a neurosurgeon because it???s important even if they???re clumsy, have NO ability & don???t want to. Would you want to go to such a surgeon? Would you want to be raised by parents that didn???t really want you?
    My parents never got sick of us & always told us how much we were wanted & loved.We had a happy childhood & family life???thru good & bad times.. till they passed away.

  • Posted By: IShallProceed @ 08/12/2008 11:09:26 PM

    Comment: As the mother of two (technically both tweens) I can truly say: Sometimes having kids is extremely cool, sometimes it's not cool at all. Many days I am so proud of them I don't think it could get much better. Some days (though thankfully not the entire day), I want to move and give no forwarding address. This is life and I'm sure my husband feels the exact same way. If you undertook the idea that having kids would make you perpetually gleeful you were bound to be sadly mistaken. Kids are just people who have yet to reach their full height potential. They have personalities like your coworkers, waiters, bosses, cousins, and others that you encounter everyday. Some of these people you really like and some you don't. And even if you like them, they can still do stuff to tick you off. It's no different with kids. I think part of the problem is that society tells you that you have to be the perfect parent. No such animal exists. The day I realized that ,is the day I learned to relax and enjoy my kids, to hang around them when we're clicking and retreat to a neutral corner when we need to give each other some space. But the fact remains that they KNOW that I love them. I'm sure that I get on their nerves too but as I recall, this was the nature of the relationship I had with my parents.

    For those who choose not to go down this road, that's cool. My life is not per se better than yours just because I chose to have kids, just I suspect that your life is not better than mind because you chose not to. It's all in what you want to do with your life. But I will say this: I have tried to raise my kids to be as kind and pleasant as possible and my friends who don't have kids of their own really dote on my kids. This is a wonderful situation in that they get to give love to kids without having them underfoot all the time. Therefore, let's not turn this into a war. If you want kids, then have them. But know going in that they will not necessarily 1) give your life meaning 2) help you hold onto a relationship 3)provide you unconditional love. That's too much of a burden to place on any human being. Also for those who want a child, it's okay to have just one. Don't let anybody guilt you into having more than you can handle.

  • Posted By: IShallProceed @ 08/12/2008 11:07:24 PM

    Comment: As the mother of two (technically both tweens) I can truly say: Sometimes having kids is extremely cool, sometimes it's not cool at all. Many days I am so proud of them I don't think it could get much better. Some days (though thankfully not the entire day), I want to move and give no forwarding address. This is life and I'm sure my husband feels the exact same way. If you undertook the idea that having kids would make you perpetually gleeful you were bound to be sadly mistaken. Kids are just people who have yet to reach their full height potential. They have personalities like your coworkers, waiters, bosses, cousins, and others that you encounter everyday. Some of these people you really like and some you don't. And even if you like them, they can still do stuff to tick you off. It's no different with kids. I think part of the problem is that society tells you that you have to be the perfect parent. No such animal exists. The day I realized that ,is the day I learned to relax and enjoy my kids, to hang around them when we're clicking and retreat to a neutral corner when we need to give each other some space. But the fact remains that they KNOW that I love them. I'm sure that I get on their nerves too but as I recall, this was the nature of the relationship I had with my parents.

    For those who choose not to go down this road, that's cool. My life is not per se better than yours just because I chose to have kids, just I suspect that your life is not better than mind because you chose not to. It's all in what you want to do with your life. But I will say this: I have tried to raise my kids to be as kind and pleasant as possible and my friends who don't have kids of their own really dote on my kids. This is a wonderful situation in that they get to give love to kids without having them underfoot all the time. Therefore, let's not turn this into a war. If you want kids, then have them. But know going in that they will not necessarily 1) give your life meaning 2) help you hold onto a relationship 3)provide you unconditional love. That's too much of a burden to place on any human being. Also for those who want a child, it's okay to have just one. Don't let anybody guilt you into having more than you can handle.

  • Posted By: nerdkitteh @ 08/12/2008 2:47:16 PM

    Comment: Happiness comes from within;external things will not make you happy. When you have children, you have to consider their needs in every aspect of your life. Does that make you unhappy, or does that make you think? Often the teacher learns from the student. Those of us who had children later in life know what it is like to be "childfree," but those who are childfree will not experiece the joys and sorrows that children bring. Do you dare risk that level of love, or what if the pendulum swings the other way? I dove into the gene pool, made the big wager, and I really like the almost adult people who are my progeny.

  • Posted By: Mystae @ 08/12/2008 12:05:10 PM

    Comment: As a mother of two little ones, I can identify with a lot of what is said in this article. I do really miss the days that I could sleep in until noon, and treasure the few that come along when I can sleep in until 9:00.
    HOWEVER, for all those who say that having a child makes you less happy, and therefore isn't worth it, I have this to say: I may not be "happier" per se, but you know, that really isn't the point. Happiness is far different from joy. And while my life is harder, more complicated, and I'm often battle-weary from struggling with a toddler what clothes she's going to wear, my life has JOY. A deep, contented joy that fills my every moment. I have many single/childfree friends, and I have often said that although having children is the hardest thing I've ever done, it's also the single most important thing I've ever done. If I found the cure for cancer, and people remembered my name throughout the ages that would be fantastic, but I still believe that I would feel my biggest contribution to my own personal growth, purpose, and fulfillment would come from raising my children.
    If you really want to know what it means to love, have a child. I say that to anyone, anywhere. I'm not talking about those who get pregnant in order to get that extra bit of food stamps. I'm talking about people who would actually make the commitment to care for a child. Until you have a child, you truly cannot understand what love is capable of. Don't get me wrong, marital love is amazing, and deep, and wonderful, and fulfilling. But something about parental love is incomparable.
    I'm truly happy for all you childfree couples who love your lives, doing all the things that make us child"full??? couples jealous. It's good that you get to experience those things, and I wish I could too, sometimes. But I have had the experience of caring for the elderly. Most have had no children, and have few visitors. I know this happens with elderly who do have children, but the point I'm trying to make is this: every, single elderly person I have cared for who was childless (including those who CHOSE to be childfree), without exception, has told me that their ONLY regret in life was not having a child. Those with children have NOT ONCE made any similar remark about regretting having children. They may regret not being better parents but that is it. Though they may be alone, those with children and grandchildren have the hope of those children, even when they are not around. Those without have no such hope. By hope, I mean that life bears life ??? it is easier to want to live when there is someone to live for. From what I have seen firsthand, it is a horrible thing to grow old and watch your spouse, your friends, your siblings, die off and be truly ALONE.

    I say all of this without the slightest bit of rancor toward those without children, and I know that all of this will (more than likely) not change anyone's opinion. I just wanted to maybe make some people to TH

    • Posted By: ljoli3 @ 10/07/2008 6:54:40 PM

      Comment: The notion that only parents will ever know what love is capable of is a complete fallacy. If that were the case then great humanitarians like Mother Theresa by default would not understand "what love is capable of".

      If your greatest reason to have children is the fear of being alone when old then, is it really love that you are capable of or selfishness? My next door neighbor complains of the same thing because her daughter was killed in an accident. But by the same token, she forgets to mention that she is blessed with a wonderful son, whom takes care of all her issues and calls her at least once a day to make sure that she's alright - it's just that he's in another state. Just comes to show that folks are never satisfied with what they have...

      Whether your choice is to have children or not to have children, the honest truth is that we all make these decisions based on our own selfish motives and as a consequence we also must live with the outcomes whatever they may be.

  • Posted By: benluclar @ 08/12/2008 9:26:35 AM

    Comment: And then, there are the people I observe whose children are all in foster care, who procreate with no intention or thought at all.
    If any sane person could observe first-hand the pathetic children's services procedures in this day and age, they would be aghast at how many innocent children are swept from safe and loving foster and hopeful adoptive homes with loving parents and are returned back home to biological druggie mommy and jailbird daddy to be once again beaten, cigarette-burned and traumatized repeatedly over many years.
    I am speaking from experience, not dramatizing. It is truly pathetic and unbelievable.

  • Posted By: benluclar @ 08/12/2008 9:16:52 AM

    Comment: As a mother of two, now grown, I see some truths in this article; however, there is a sad realization I have found in my now empty-nest years. I miss being needed by an innocence which needed me. I miss revisiting a pristine world that is observed through the pure heart of my children. I was so busy then that I did not realize how sinister and disillusioning the true world could be ... until now. So, I guess my children, in a way, protected me from that, now to only create an awareness of the real world stripped bare.
    Grandchildren are the lights of my life, who renew me from reality for short periods and remind me that the world is only as bad -- or good -- as the observer and his perspective.
    That is what children are about. When you are young and bringing them up, and for your older years when reality around you becomes surreal.

  • Posted By: islandcreek @ 07/29/2008 3:09:22 PM

    Comment: This is just another finding that is similar to other cliches from the past like "Looking out for No 1" and "The Me Generation". Why does lifealways have to be "all about me" all of the time. Doesn't anyone understand the value and gratification one gets from being SELFLESS? Being a parent teaches you selflessness. It has NOTHING to do with materialism and narcissism or ego. It is about the genuine joy that I've felt when I've help my kids to understand the world. It's about the joy I've felt when they accomplish something they've strdved hard to do. The reason people are unhappy is do to selfishness, or what I call a lack of gratitute and selflessness.

  • Posted By: xoxoseven @ 07/27/2008 11:36:46 PM

    Comment: My husband and I never had a particularly strong urge to procreate. In fact, we were never that thrilled with kids. Then I was diagnosed as bipolar. This can be heritable. It appears that my paternal grandmother had issues and I'm positive that my father did as well. Living with a parent with extreme moods can be confusing to a child. Of course, I had my own problems to contend with. Two bipolars in the same home is NOT pretty.

    That clinched it. Why would I want to create a child who I would probably love more than anything and stick them with a mental illness?

    Also, I'd have had to go off my medication while I was pregnant. It might not work as well when I restarted it. Even if the kid wasn't bipolar, he/she would bear the brunt of it.

    We're glad we didn't have kids. I prefer that the mental illness stop with me. My husband agrees.

    We enjoy our nieces and nephews and enjoy spoiling them. We enjoy our passions like photography and horses and astronomy. We haven't missed out on anything. Because I'm well regulated, we enjoy happy SANE lives.

    As for those who feel that their children will look out for them in their old age: don't count on it. My mother adored my brother above all else. When she became old and no longer able to be his housekeeper, cook, laundress, etc, he sent her to an assisted living facility near me while he continued to live 500 miles away, but not before he got her to sign her share of the house over to him. He broke her heart and she never recovered. The bottom line is -- don't count on your precious children to give you the same priority you give them.

    • Posted By: gravybucket @ 07/29/2008 12:15:06 PM

      Comment: I imagine having a child when you have a mental illness would be a very challenging endeavor, and, depending on the severity of it, it may have been a wise decision for you and your husband.
      However, all of the people without kids who say they aren't missing anything really have no idea, so those comments just shouldn't be made.

      • Posted By: Manee1 @ 08/07/2008 11:05:03 AM

        Comment: Back at you! Those who have children don't know what they're missing. I feel bad for many people who have children, frankly. My life is SO awesome, just the way I want it.

  • Posted By: kfccruelty @ 07/27/2008 6:16:03 PM

    Comment: does anybody know if there are any groups I can join to meet other adults who have made the same choice as me to not have kids. I would really love to meet others who I feel have made the more intelligent choice especially in this day and age.

    • Posted By: cunardqueen @ 07/30/2008 7:47:13 PM

      Comment: There is a Child-Free by Choice board on iVillage, alsother are sites childfreethinker.com, nokidding.com and positivelychildfree.com.

  • Posted By: Shoy @ 07/27/2008 4:28:39 AM

    Comment: I have always preferred the term "CHILDFREE" vs "childless". One is a joyous proclamation. The later is a dismal assessment ,more often than ,not passed from another on that couple who has made a concientious decission to avoid the pressures of a society locked into traditions from a century ago that birthed the mentality which produced the very humerous book "Cheaper by the Dozen". In our current century and looking forward, the Childfree are leaving a far smaller carbon footprint on our Earth, Our ultimate legacy is to pioneer the way to greater stewardship of the Earth.

  • Posted By: MiraKitty @ 07/22/2008 11:09:31 PM

    Comment: KerryS, People who don't have kids won't "leave a legacy"? Writing a book, finding a cure for a disease, or any numerous other accomplishments are a far greater legacy than leaving behind a possible delinquent who is nothing but a drain on our already rapidly diminishing resources. Your reasons for having children seem far more selfish than not having children. I will fund my own retirement and have time to make lifelong friends; instead of mourning children, I will leave behind funds for charities that will make a difference. Not having children is selfish? On the contrary, to CHOOSE children if by far the more selfish decision.

  • Posted By: happygirl100 @ 07/21/2008 5:35:54 PM

    Comment: Who knows any person or kid who visits people in a nursing home, really? Most adults are too busy running around and working to make ends meet and their children have no interest whatsoever in going for a visit to an old age home. Take a look at the book "Dumbest Generation: How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future (Or, Don't Trust Anyone Under 30 - the under 30's are the dumbest people alive." These are your children - the children that watch tv and play video games endlessly because the parents are too tired or busy working. This article on whether people are happier with kids (answer: false) is the first truthful take out there....you know what they say - the truth hurts.

  • Posted By: Abeccareb @ 07/21/2008 2:59:50 PM

    Comment: @KerryS
    The way you describe those who don't have children by choice is wrong...With the state that our planet is in due to over population, I believe that limiting the amount of children born each year would help things out a bit...not that there should be any laws about how many children to have or anything BUT if you insist on calling those who choose not to have children selfish, consider those who choose to have children simply to have comfort in their old age so they won???t be lonely, etc. To me, that is true selfishness.

  • Posted By: KerryS @ 07/21/2008 12:44:05 PM

    Comment: The article doesn't really consider the long-term joys of children and grandchildren, just the immediate sacrifice. As such, it is a worthless inquiry. The author might just as well have asked, "Is it fun to save for retirement?" Well . . . no, it isn't. But that doesn't mean it isn't worthwhile in the long run. You could easily interview people who will tell you how unpleasant it is to sacrifice now to save for retirement later. You could point out all of the things people could buy now, instead of saving for retirement. What a waste of paper that would be.

    I am very sorry for couples who have the health and ability to support a family, yet deliberately choose not to have children so that they can enjoy their own selfish pursuits. They don't realize that they are giving up one of the only true joys in life now, and relinquishing all family enjoyment in their old age. They will never know the happiness of seeing a child take his first step , the proud moment of seeing a daughter graduate from college, the joy of a sloppy kiss from a grandchild, or the satisfaction of leaving a legacy through your posterity. Who will visit them in the nursing home? Who will morn when they are gone? They may be having fun now, but their future is bleak and lonely.

    • Posted By: Manee1 @ 07/25/2008 2:21:50 PM

      Comment: It's interesting how you know for a fact that childfree couples will be "bleak and lonely" in their old age. None of us know the future - you just might be bleak and lonely too. Your children could die, or not care to visit you in that old folk's home. Who knows? It's ridiculous to speculate on one's own future, much less the future of people you don't know at all. At the very least, we both know we're doing in life what we want to make us happy - you having kids, and me not having them. I'm comfortable enough in my choices that I don't have to put down others - you should examine what it is YOU'RE not comfortable with in your life that makes you have to make being without kids seem unattractive. It's absolutely wonderful to me! Different strokes, different folks.

      • Posted By: LanaLana @ 08/02/2008 4:31:42 PM

        Comment: I agree Manee1. It all comes down to what make you happy. If having kids makes you happy then go have them. Why hate on people that don't have kids. Why push your beliefs of having kids on other people who choose not to. If you have kids enjoy the experience, but don't expect that they're going to return the favor. If you're blessed then they will love and take care of you, but what if things don't turn out that way? People can be childless and still be selfless. They can help others too. Look at the nuns and priests without children.

  • Posted By: HollyS @ 07/13/2008 9:03:33 PM

    Comment: The decision not to have children is the best decision I ever made, although I can hardly call it a decision because there was never a time in my life when I considered doing it. It's always been obvious to me that children place an intolerable stress on marriage and that most people are inadequate parents. There's only one legitimate reason to have children, and it's that caring for another human being is what you do better than anything else. I've never known anyone that description fits. And having children when there are more than six billion people on this planet is utterly irresponsible. I have no sympathy whatsoever for parents, who stick their hands in my pocket to steal the money, via school taxes, to educate the children they had no business having in the first place; get child tax CREDITS for overpopulating the planet instead of the child tax PENALTIES they should be paying; and then whine about overdevelopment, high taxes and all the other problems caused by the increase in population for which they're responsible.

    • Posted By: gravybucket @ 07/14/2008 10:43:07 AM

      Comment: Those are some gross over-generalizations. There are certainly some marriages torn apart by kids and differing opinions about raising them. However, there are plenty of marriages torn apart because they can't have kids or one of the spouses doesn't want kids and the other does. For those mature couples who can come to joint decisions and support each other, kids can be great and strengthen the marriage. So I guess that it depends on the maturity of the couple. Some couples fight over where the other squeezes tooth paste out of the tube and other ridiculous things like that. If you are one of those couples, not only are you immature, but you are probably right to not have kids because you would be at each others throats over every little thing.
      However, for those of us who don't sweat the small stuff and communicate, those problems don't exist.

      As for the "stress on the world" that you speak of... all I can really say to combat such irrationality is "oh please!!" No body is a perfect parent. I don't think anyone ever HAS been a perfect parent. Does that mean no one should be parents? Of course not! Civilization would have ended with Adam and Eve! Our responsibility as parents is to be the best parents we can be... to guide our children to the best of our ability. Those of us who are responsible adults are the ones who SHOULD be having kids. Kids will be born and the human population will continue... but what kind of people do you want running the world in the future? All of the white trash/redneck people who have kids because they don't know any better? If you don't want to have kids and help to raise future leaders, you have no right to complain about the youth of america or the leadership that arises in the future.

  • Posted By: DrAlanSinger @ 07/10/2008 9:41:54 PM

    Comment: If the foundation of our society has become, ???Am I happy enough???? then it is correct to assume that children will play a smaller role in our lives. In 30 years as a Family Therapist, I have never encouraged couples to have a child and I am a very happy father of four children.
    ???To carry on the family name??? or ???because most couples you see have kids??? are among the lousiest reasons to have children. The desire to start a family must come from a deep longing that will withstand emotional stress, financial strain, and yes???even logic. Children bring a much deeper sense of fulfillment than one???s own personal level of happiness.

    Dr. Alan M. Singer
    www.FamilyThinking.com

  • Posted By: amaryllism @ 07/09/2008 12:34:02 PM

    Comment: i don't think we should be focusing on whether a child makes you 7% less happy. (what exactly would 7% less happiness feel like, anyway? would i notice the difference between 5% and 7%, or 7% and 10%?) what i would like to see is a world in which i am not regarded as a child-hating, non-woman freak/serial killer because i choose to be childless (or childfree). in order to avoid contempt, and once even violence, from coworkers and acquaintances, i have to tell people that i am infertile. admitting to being willfully without child is an invitation to abuse in this country. just for the record: i love children. i ask to babysit my neices and nephews, i smile and wave to stranger's babies, and coo over baby pictures just like everyone else. i do not have a selfish need to "keep my figure", i am not "afraid of the pain", and my husband is not an abuser. these are just a small sample of the responses i get from people, but god forbid i ask someone why they would actually want 6 children, or children spaced a year apart, etc. there's a lid for every pot, as they say, so let's just assume that people have good reasons for the decisions they make and leave it at that.

    • Posted By: Contentisima @ 07/11/2008 11:49:48 AM

      Comment: High-five, Amaryllism! You may borrow my standard response to those who are ill-mannered enough to press as to why I never elected to have children: I believe kids aren't something you *have;* I believe that a parent is something you *become.* It's a profoundly important job, one which you should at least *want* to do. Just like I never wanted to become a taxidermist, or an accountant, or nuclear engineer, I never wanted to become parent. Truly knowing this about myself and accepting it has led me to make the best choices for my life. I am very satisfied, very fulfilled, very happy.

  • Posted By: zpegan @ 07/08/2008 10:54:46 PM

    Comment: The term "childless" implies something of value is missing. This is conclusory. The more appropriate term is "child-free."

    • Posted By: cunardqueen @ 07/09/2008 12:02:32 AM

      Comment: I would disagree.... think of the terms seedless, sugarless, seamless, wireless, strapless, spotless, odorless, and most importantly, painless. These are all things that you WANT to be -less, right?

      • Posted By: ZenGarden @ 07/09/2008 2:31:32 PM

        Comment: The idea of using "childfree" rather than "childless" is the negative cultural connotation the latter evokes. zpegan is right. The examples you cite have nowhere near the same kind of semantic baggage as "childless." I do like your conclusion though!

  • Posted By: kluca @ 07/08/2008 10:44:15 PM

    Comment: Happiness is different from joy. As the parent of two children we adopted who are both young, I admit I am not always "happy". However, I believe that fulfillment and knowledge that I am providing a loving home and family for my kids and the joy they bring me is immeasurable. We were married 7 years before having children and I can attest that there are different types of happiness and joy and dificulties for that matter that each season of our life together has brought.

  • Posted By: chocolatelover @ 07/08/2008 9:15:35 PM

    Comment: I can guarantee I feel less stress and worry than any parent. I also feel less tired at the end of the day and appreciate the quiet in my home. Considering all that is involved, I would also agree that children do not make you happy... that isn't their job. I also recognize that the joy parents feel in their children should be deeper than the joy I can feel without children; that is the nature of service and no one should serve more than a parent. However, what should be is often very different from reality. I just hope that no parent reads this and resents their children because of it. Like the article states, it has become very complicated to raise children and there is less support for you. It isn't likely to get easier either, but no one should judge those who choose to be parents any more than any other generalized group. I, personally, am trying to give more support to those parents in my circle of influence. Most of them really deserve that. Maybe I can help bring their stats up 7%. :)

  • Posted By: heyjackieday @ 07/08/2008 4:30:54 PM

    Comment: Of course childless people deserve to be happy as well, but I hope they aren't mistaking pleasure for joy. As for those unhappy parents, my heart goes out to them. Perhaps it is a sign that our society is failing at training, supporting, and encouraging those who are living the family lifestyle. Sacrifice is involved, but isn't sacrifice giving up something good for something better? You have to know the bad to fully enjoy the good.

  • Posted By: gravybucket @ 07/08/2008 4:22:46 PM

    Comment: Anyone who believes in the Bible knows that the decision to have or not have kids isn't somthing just based on our desires... it is a commandment.
    That is why I say that if you feel like you don't "want" to have kids, you should take time for some serious introspection and see what you can change within yourself so that your desires can align with God's. Like I've said several times, I think that two of the major things that keep people from aligning their desires with gods are imaturity and selfishness. People like to create a gray area, but in most things (and certainly this is one) there is a right and a wrong.
    Now, if you don't believe the bible or don't care about God's commandments, not wanting to have kids may be the least of your problems.

    • Posted By: wheresmje @ 07/08/2008 11:06:34 PM

      Comment: I am am Christian and my husband is a pastor. And to be frank, Gravy bucket, I am ashamed to be lumped in the same group with you. There are lots of commands that were given to certain people at a certain time. If what you are saying were remotely accurate, then God is also commanding us to tell Pharoah to let his people go. The command to be fruitful and multiply was not given to an overpopulated world, but to the people needing to populate it. If what you are saying is true, why did Jesus not have children? What about Paul saying that it is better for people to stay unmarried? What about Jesus summing up all of the commands with love God and love your neighbor. If a person, even a Christian, can better love God and show his love without having children, who are you to judge? You need to better understand the bible and the purpose of it before you start trying to tell everyone what it says. Because, to be honest, you are falsely representing God by taking his word out of context and twisting it the way you are.

      • Posted By: gravybucket @ 07/11/2008 10:32:31 AM

        Comment: How about all of the other commandments? Do you pick and choose based on what you think applies to you today? Is it right for people to say "Thou shalt not kill... but that was for a more barberous group of people in a crazier time," or "Thou shalt not commit adultery... that is so old fashioned, that is just part of dating and relationships in the 21st century." You can derail me for my interpretation of the scriptures as much as you like, but you certainly don't know my level of understanding and the basis for my interpretation.
        Your point that some commands (I'm certainly not going to march around Jericho and blow horns) obviously don't apply to us today, but does that mean that all don't? It's a slippery slope when we try to rationalize our way out of commands by saying that they don't apply today... because what if they do and you're not living it? Scary thought.
        And for those offended because they don't believe in God, the Bible, or whatever. I am merely thinking and writing out of the value system I choose to believe and live. You can believe what you want and live your life according to whatever value system you want. That said, I don't believe all value systems are created equal, nor do I respect all of them. Just because someone believes something, it doesn't mean it is right. Some believe that killing is no big deal... I do not subscribe to that particular value system and I will openly criticize any that do. That is an extreme example, but you get my point. You can believe and live how you want, but you should expect me to subscribe to your value system, just as I don't expect you to subscribe to mine.

    • Posted By: Tacocat27 @ 07/08/2008 4:39:42 PM

      Comment: The what about Priests and Nuns? They are not allowed to have sex and thus will never have children of their own...so by your logic they are sinners for not reproducing. I really wish you would leave religion out of this, there are so many different beliefs out there besides Christianity that you can't possibly use that as an arguement, you segregate so many people in the process. Plus you really have no right to make judgements on people. I don't go around telling catholics that I believe there is no afterlife or God, so please don't tell me I'm a sinner just because I don't believe in what you do. I respect religion, I do, I think it does a lot of good for many people, but to each their own, what you believe is not neccessarily wrong nor wrong, simply your belief. Your arguement fails in the fact that I don't believe in God, thus I don't see myself as doing anything wrong by not having children.

      • Posted By: gravybucket @ 07/11/2008 10:38:17 AM

        Comment: Just because people make a mistake or are living in a certain way based on a misunderstanding of doctrine, it does not mean that they are "bad people" or "going to hell" or anything like that. I think we all make mistakes at times without malice or even knowledge that we're doing something wrong. I believe that priests and nuns are doing the best they can with the knowledge they have and they should be applauded for it. Do I believe that that is a correct principle, no I do not.

      • Posted By: Tacocat27 @ 07/08/2008 4:44:10 PM

        Comment: I meant to say that what you believe in is not neccessarily right nor wrong

        my bad

  • Posted By: wheresmje @ 07/08/2008 11:42:24 AM

    Comment: Clearly, if someone does not want children, it is their right to not have them. The world would be a better place if the people who truely desired to have children were the only ones who did. I love having children around. I want them. It is a joy for me to take care of them. It is a joy for me to teach them things. That is where I have been gifted. I have met people who had children because it was "the right thing to do," women who have left careers to pursue a family that they never really wanted, and I feel bad for their kids. To say that people who can realize that they are not gifted to properly care for children are making excuses is very short sighted. In this country we do have the right to pursue happiness and if someone does not want children, who am I to say that they should? It's not an excuse if it is the truth.

  • Posted By: gravybucket @ 07/08/2008 10:13:49 AM

    Comment: It's true that not everyone should have babies. Those who don't want them shouldn't have them because they'll just screw them up, abuse them, or just not show them the love they need and deserve.
    At the same time, why shouldn't they have babies?? Why don't they want them?? Is it really because it is "greener" like someone said or because they don't have the "maternal instinct" as another person said? I think that is just bull. People can call it what they want, but I think it comes down to them not wanting the responsibility or to give up some of their freedom. That is the essence of selfishness.
    Now others have said that it is selfish to have children because it is over populating the world, or other things like that. Also bull. The human race must go on. If we want to make the world better, those of us who are educated and ethical people need to teach those traits to our children. You know there are always going to be the stupid/white trashy people who have a kid out of wedlock because they don't know how to use birth control, or the dumb highschool girls who want to be cute pregnant. What are the chances of those kids coming out well? Us responsible people need to try and counter act that. You can make excuses for not having kids... and that's fine... that's your prerogative, but lets just accept them as that... excuses.

    • Posted By: amaryllism @ 07/09/2008 12:39:17 PM

      Comment: trust me, the human race is in no danger of not going on. we are creating more children than we can feed, educate, treat medically or provide jobs for. i'm fairly certain god's commandmant to be fruitful and multiply did not imply "even if those children will starve to death or die of malaria before their 5th birthdays"

    • Posted By: Manee1 @ 07/08/2008 11:07:08 AM

      Comment: An excuse means you want to get out of an obligation. No one is obligated to have children.

  • Posted By: wheresmje @ 07/08/2008 2:20:33 AM

    Comment: I can agree that all people shouldn't have children. That would be like saying all people should become doctors because doctors are happy. If it isn't your thing or if it is going to make you unhappy, why would you do that to yourself? I have five children, three biological, one adopted, and one foster child, and they are the joy of my life. So just because it isn't someone else's thing doesn't mean that it is no one's thing. I won't tell you how you should live your life as long as you don't try to tell me how to live mine.

  • Posted By: ShellyOhio @ 07/07/2008 10:45:57 PM

    Comment: I hate to break it to you baby-lovers who think you have experienced some deep love with your children that those of us who choose to remain childless will never feel -- I have the exact same feeling with my dogs! I ADORE them! I can't stop watching them learn, grow, and play. I love to take them places or give them a treat and see excitement and happiness on their faces. And I love that they adore me back, that they get so excited each and every time I come home. We are so bonded, and we are a family, and my heart aches when I think about how much love I have for them. The best part, they will ALWAYS be this cute and sweet. Unlike kids, they won't learn to say no, or cry and scream when they don't get their way, or demand that I spend tons of money to get them the trendy clothes or toys. AND they won't grow up and turn into people, ugh, I could do with a lot less dumb people in the world. Especially irritating, stupid people who try to make everyone conform to their views and opinions.

    • Posted By: Tacocat27 @ 07/07/2008 11:52:05 PM

      Comment: I completely agree, though I'm sure you're going to get a lot of sh*t for saying that from parents who will accuse you of comparing their children to dogs. I have three dogs whom I adore with all my being. No I don't dress them up or talk to them in baby voices, nor do I refer to them as my "children" but I love them unconditionally. As far as I can read, all of the arguements from parents on here claim that children bring them the following: unconditional love, respect amusement, joy, life lessons etc...well to me, my dogs dp exactly the same. Call me pathetic I don't care, I understand they aren't actual human beings, but honestly I almost prefer that sometimes. If I want human interaction I have my friends, and family for that. Before you parents make the arguement that they aren't your flesh and blood, neither are those couples who adopt. No my dogs can't talk, but they can communicate none the less. By no means am I insinuating that your children are comparable to dogs, in the sense that one is human, the other animal, but if people find complete and unconditional love in their pets, who are you to say it is less than it is?

  • Posted By: LIKEITIS @ 07/07/2008 1:36:19 PM

    Comment: IF HAVING THEM MAKES YOU HAPPY, BE RESPONSIBLE AND PROVIDE FOR THEM AN DON'T LET YOUR BAD DECISION AFFECT THE LIVES OF THOSE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT THEY DIDN'T WANT THEM!....................AS RESPONSIBLE AS THE CURRENT AMERICAN SYSTEM ALLOWS...........................
    TAX BREAKS FOR CREATION OF TAX NEEDERS(FORCE THOSE WHO DON'T HAVE KIDS TO PAY YOUR SHARE OF TAXES), SCHOOL LUNCHES, FOOD STAMPS, WELFARE..................................IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO FEED THEM, DONT HAQVE THEM........ IT IS NO DIFFERENT THAN BUYING 10 DOGS IF YOU CAN'T FEED THEM!

    THE DOG COMPARISON GOES FURTHER: KIDS LIKE DOGS ARE USUALLY WELCOME BY THE PUBLIC, WHEN BOTH ARE WELL TRAINED...................NOT NECESSARILY THE CASE!

    CHILDREN ARE JEMS TO THEIR FAMILIES AND KIDNEY STONES TO THE REST OF THE WORLD!

    • Posted By: LIKEITIS @ 07/07/2008 1:39:35 PM

      Comment: P.S................KEEP IN MIND...........THAT THE LEAST "GREEN" THING YOU CAN DO IS TO HAVE CHILDREN................THE CARBON FOOTPRINT IS THEN ENDLESS!

  • Posted By: dr. Q @ 07/07/2008 12:11:31 PM

    Comment: No, it's not for everybody. You could say this about anything challenging--med school and postgraduate training in my case. I officially discourage people from entering medicine because it might weed out some weenie who didn't have what it takes to begin with--if have motivation and you're committed, what I say shouldn't matter. Same goes for parenting. If you have the drive to be a grown up adult capable of putting the long-term satisfaction of being a parent and having given it your all in front of the self-indulgent thrill of the moment, then you likely don't need my encouragement. If some newsweek article talks you out of being a parent, you shouldn't have been in the first place. Go skip off and play with your friends. It's not like we have a shortage of people.

    • Posted By: amaryllism @ 07/09/2008 12:50:58 PM

      Comment: you know, i have to wonder about people like this. if i don't make exactly the decision you did, i must be an irresponsible weenie. (who even says "weenie" anymore?) here's a clue: if we all became doctors, the world would end. no one would be picking up the garbage, no one would be building houses, no one would be growing crops, etc., etc. just because my choice is different, even so different you couldn't imagine making it, doesn't make it wrong.

  • Posted By: slayer @ 07/07/2008 4:49:20 AM

    Comment: Only the people who WANT kids should have kids, all those who dont, shouldnt. Dont reproduce if social stigma is your reason for feeling pressured to have kids. Dont have kids "accidentally", they will come to KNOW about it and hate you for it too. Being unwanted and/or knowing that they are mistakes or by-products of their parents sexual lust will screw their perspective of themselves an they may not turn out to be the ???good human beings??? everyone here is crowing about. Kids should be conceived with spiritual thoughts, not in a lustful and carnal frame of mind, if you dont want them to turn into psychopaths and antisocial elements. Having kids out of selfishness, to be looked after in old age or to fulfill your dreams, or to find a "purpose" in your life are not good enough reasons. And reproduction is not the only opting if you do WANT kids. You can adopt orphans, especially those that are not being adopted just because they are unpretty, mentally or physically challenged, etc.

  • Posted By: Minervah @ 07/05/2008 11:36:08 PM

    Comment: to the person that wrote about oprah - i think she could have had children and really really been changed by it." I disagree. Oprah has taken the path in Life that is best for her. Instead of being insular and focusing on a biological child, she is free to help many of the world's children who so desperately need help. In any case the decision is hers and hers alone to make. Having a child would not make her a better person.

  • Posted By: jordanadah @ 07/05/2008 7:29:03 PM

    Comment: I have 1 child. Not because I wanted it but because my husband made me. I hate it. I still resent it and it's 30. My marriage was destroyed tho we are still together. My husband quickly realized his mistake. He lost his wife for a child he soon knew he did not really want either. And it never stops. Even tho it is 30 it never stops. It is forever. Thank god it's unmarried and childless.

  • Posted By: elfbane5@msn.com @ 07/05/2008 4:52:35 PM

    Comment: PART 2 read post below this first.

    Anyhow, I went back to school after a 2 year break and got my design degree. I had so many offers and options, character design for a major animation studio, reputable design firms, even a few international opportunities. Last but not least, a teaching position at a small Tech High School to teach Design. I'd been designing for years, not just as a student but as a professional so I thought, why the heck not? Being around these kids over the last several years made me grow up and mature in ways that I never expected. I hadn't realized how empty I really was. I learned so much from them, and what so many people are missing about their own kids. Yes teenagers do stupid things, yes they can be rude, yes, even I occasionally would love to shake one a little and ask them, what were they thinking, but the fact is, they still dream, they are still mostly unruined by life yet.

    Being around them (if you have the right attitude), can really remove so much negativity from your life. I'm told often about how crazy I am, and why didn't I take much higher paying positions in the design field. My response is that I'm making a difference. I work with so many kids whose parents abuse them, they've given up on them, or they just flat out can't get along with them. It's not that they hate them, they just can't handle the weird things kids do once hormones kick in. So many of them are emotionally disturbed from all the fighting in their houses, they can't even communicate with their families. I deal with cutters, emos, anger problems, drug problems, abuse, neglect, rape, you name it, and it???s walked into my classroom.

    These kids depend on me in many cases as the only positive adult interaction for their entire day. If I had a dollar for every "adopt me" I've ever heard I could take them all out for sushi, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

    My point after this long winding post is this. Kids may not make you happy, or they might be the only shining beacon in your life, It's relative to the person involved. If you gain meaning in life through creating them, fine. If you don't have them, you can still have meaning if you want it.

  • Posted By: elfbane5@msn.com @ 07/05/2008 4:48:49 PM

    Comment: Just because someone choses to not have children, doesn't mean they are stupid, lazy, or immature. Not everyone is suited to parenting, and there are many, for the love of god, that should have done the human race a favor and skipped passing their genes on.

    I do not have children, nor do I plan on having any. I may later adopt an older child however if I feel the need. I just don't get all warm and fuzzy when I see babies, I usually run in the opposite direction. I did discover I have a maternal instinct, but for the most unloved portion of our population, teenagers. Believe me that came as a shock.

    Before anyone can even think about making some snide comment about teachers and innappropriate relationships, just stop. The thought of teachers abusing their positions like that makes my skin crawl, those people need to be punished more severly then they already are and maybe get a healthy dose of electro-shock therapy.

    I stumbled into teaching, I didn't plan on becoming one. I went to school to become a graphic designer, but when the Tech bubble burst after 9/11, I was laid off as well as my husband. I hadn't yet finished school so I decided to take a break from school and try to get my mind centered again. Neither of us could find work, and out of desperation I took a Substitute Teaching job because getting design work outside of the city wasn't regular enough to depend on. Imagine my shock when I discovered I actually ENJOYED it. Subs see the best and WORST of student behaivor, so I even thought I should have my head checked.

    • Posted By: LIKEITIS @ 07/07/2008 1:49:30 PM

      Comment: THANKS!

      NOT HAVING CHILDREN HAS LEAD TO LESS UNWANTED AND PROBABLY BADLY TREATED CHILDREN AS WELL AS REDUCED THE DRAIN ON THE SYSTEM THAT IS ALREADY TAXED BY THE CHILDREN SUPPOSED WANTED BY LESS THAN RESPONSIBLE ADULTS!

  • Posted By: Red poppy @ 07/05/2008 3:25:11 PM

    Comment: There are women who have no maternal instinct whatsoever: the idea of being pregnant, giving birth, nursing and raising children is totally unappealing if not downright disagreeable. Frankly, we don't - gasp - even find babies especially cute. As far as I can tell, our childhood hasn't been less happy than other women's. Besides, there's nothing unselfish about having kids. Motivations include passing on your genes and name, living up to people's expectations and having someone to keep you company in old age. Sadly, retirement homes are full of old people whose children never come visit. In my experience, happiness definitely doesn't depend on having kids.

  • Posted By: Minervah @ 07/05/2008 2:18:20 PM

    Comment: For those of you who state the joy and ecstasy of having kids, good for you. But don't ever tell others they will absolutely feel the same. There are too many parents out there who do not find such happiness and take it out on their kids. We hear about child abuse everyday in the news Don't be so presumptuous as to say that everyone will feel the same as you . If it doesn't happen, it's the kids who will suffer.

  • Posted By: maggie6282004 @ 07/05/2008 11:00:14 AM

    Comment: Of course having children doesn't make you happy. Neither does marriage, for that matter. Keeping a family together is hard work and self sacrifice interspersed with moments of pleasure at seeing your commitment pay off. When you leave the hospital, you are given a large packet of materials to read about the upcoming challenges: nursing, teething, sleep, etc. When you adopt/foster, you are given materials to read about the upcoming challenges: blending a family, dealing with behavior issues, etc. Maybe my packets were missing something, but I didn't get the government leaflet that said, "Parenting: Prepare to be Happy!" What kind of a nutbag goes into parenthood, or marriage, expecting it to make them happy? Sometimes you get a special needs child, or a special needs spouse, and you are still their parent, still their spouse, only now your work load is doubled. The joy comes from having a higher calling - the joy comes from making it work, getting it right, and every once in a while being able to sit back and really enjoy it.

    Parenting is NOT for everyone, which is why there are contraceptives available to those who don't want kids, and adoptive/foster parents for the children that are the victims of those less responsible. We have four kids; two biological and two foster/adopted. Sometimes we look at our friends without children and wish for a weekend or two of their lives, but overall we feel good about the decisions that we have made. I know that sometimes our friends without children look at our lives and wish the same thing. There is no right or wrong here, just a bunch of really personal decisions that can only be made by each individual. As a foster parent, I wish that more people would give their reproductive decisions the kind of effort and time that some people have put into these comments!

    • Posted By: lostlo @ 07/07/2008 8:45:55 PM

      Comment: "What kind of a nutbag goes into parenthood, or marriage, expecting it to make them happy?"

      LOTS of people. Teenage mothers have children so they'll have unconditional love. People in bad relationships have children to save their marriage. Many people have children so that someone will be obligated out of guilt to take care of them in old age - isn't that sweet? Or of course, the best reason to have a child, oops I got pregnant!

      They are all terrible reasons for having children, but lots of people use them. They are nutbags, but they are incredibly common, if not the majority of parents.

      The unfortunate thing is, people like me who carefully weigh the decision and her ability to effectively raise a child end up not having them, while more irresponsible careless types have a litter of them.

      If I ever think I'm up to the task of raising a child well, I will adopt one of the many kids the nutbags don't want. I totally don't understand the arrogance of those who would spend many thousands of dollars to have their own genetic offspring, totally blowing off the many unwanted children who desperately need a loving home.

  • Posted By: catherinekuo@hotmail.com @ 07/05/2008 5:14:41 AM

    Comment: and to copper12 - you are right, i think parents work too much for shallow/material things too. lots of parents work 2 jobs just so one can pay for day-care. ridiculous! and you are right, i think non-parents see value in life and little moments just as well, but i do think having a kid opens up a new area of life's little moments that are so amazing. it is hard to think of a really good analogy for it, but it's kind of like having a house that you already really love, but then adding a new sunroom to the house that you love to spend time in. and to seas004 - we hated the "how many children?" and "so when you going to have children" questions as well. but now that we have a kid, we understand why people ask. and people will always be opinionated, i am sure you have plenty too. we're all entitled, that's what makes us people! if you really don't like where something is going, like my comment, just stop reading. that's respectful as well. also to the person that wrote about oprah - i think she could have had children and really really been changed by it. even her friend Gayle has said she thinks Oprah would have been an indredible mother. but her focus is so much on her career - even through helping people, it has always been a part of herself, who she is and her desire to grow/develop herself. i love her, love her show, watch it a lot, but i don't think she has ever really stopped to focus on family. it has always been about her own path. i think she is one of those people that will always put her job/her passions first. i think her boyfriend knows and accepts that he is secondary. if you read her bio on wikipedia, there are a couple men that loved her that she broke up with b/c they wouldn't follow her or b/c she felt she didn't have time for a relationship. i think the reason she has been with Graham for over 20 years now, is he allows her to lead and is willing to be there when she needs him, not much more. i don't think a woman like her would tolerate any less, for that long. esp now, with the type of power she has, any man would have to take a back seat and she found that in Graham. anyways it is 2am pst and i am rambling now. even i know whan i have gone long. he heh...

  • Posted By: catherinekuo@hotmail.com @ 07/05/2008 4:47:44 AM

    Comment: wow, i can't believe this article. i waited 8 years to have a kid. my husband and i were adamant that it wasn't for us. then my grandmother died and we really started thinking more about family. Now that we have a toddler in our late 30's, we regret not having kids sooner. and we are so thankful we didn't have trouble getting pregnant. so many of our friends in their mid-30's are having to seek treatment. it is hard work, the sleepppppsleepless nights (esp the 1st 6 months and hardest thing we have ever done, but he is the besthing that ever happened to us. it absolutely changes your life and lifestyle. but it is worth it. the people that don't feel that way, are really the ones that haven't been able to shift the attention off themselves and to their children. our society and the media that pelts us every day is so focused on "ME" that it has made the basic function of raising a child, a complete inconvenience to living your own free lifestyle. raising a child teaches you so much about yourself and your spouse, how to work together, and how amazing and wonderful the world is through their eyes. you also have to be positive and not always focus on the negative. of course it is crazy hard to be sleep-deprived (esp that first 6 months), and to never be able to get on the computer during the day-time. But almost everything in life has it's trade-offs and that is most certainly worth the amazing, fresh perspective on life that having a child brings you. and like the author says, you can't imagine loving someone so deeply as your child until you've had one, and to have that child freelylove you back is the most heart-warming experience you will ever have. i can't get enough of his soft,star-fish hands on my cheeks, and hearing him say he loves me too before kissing me. you all should try it in your life-times!

    • Posted By: Mrs. Danvers @ 07/05/2008 12:53:14 PM

      Comment: The only thing missing fron this sanctimonious drivel is "butterfly kisses" (whatever the hell they are).

  • Posted By: catherinekuo@hotmail.com @ 07/05/2008 4:40:52 AM

    Comment: wow, i can't believe this article. i waited 8 years to have a kid. my husband and i were adamant that it wasn't for us. then my grandmother died and we really started thinking more about family. Now that we have a toddler, we regret not having kids sooner. it is hard work, the hardest thing we have ever done, but he is the best thing that ever happened to us. it absolutely changes your life and lifestyle. but it is worth it. the people that don't feel that way, are really the ones that haven't been able to shift the attention off themselves and to their children. our society and the media that pelts us every day is so focused on "ME" that it has made the basic function of raising a child, a complete inconvenience to living your own free lifestyle. raising a child teaches you so much about yourself and your spouse, how to work together, and how amazing and wonderful the world is through their eyes. you also have to be positive and not always focus on the negative. of course it is crazy hard to be sleep-deprived (esp that first 6 months), and to never be able to get on the computer during the day-time. But almost everything in life has it's trade-offs and that is most certainly worth the amazing, fresh perspective on life that having a child brings you. and like the author says, you can't imagine loving someone so deeply as your child until you've had one, and to have that child freelylove you back is the most heart-warming experience you will ever have. i can't get enough of his soft,star-fish hands on my cheeks, and hearing him say he loves me too before kissing me. you all should try it in your life-times!

  • Posted By: Minervah @ 07/04/2008 6:06:49 PM

    Comment: Sorry, my last post was a reply to Guru. It didn't get attached to my original post where I mentioned many well-known selfless childfree people such as Mother Theresa and Ophra Winfrey who were/are childfree by choice but devoted their lives to helping people. Guru responded they were selfish and lazy because they were childfree.

    • Posted By: Guru1976 @ 07/31/2008 3:59:20 PM

      Comment: They were... Do you know them personally to say differently? Putting on a front for the public does not portray your true personality...

  • Posted By: cozz729 @ 07/04/2008 10:13:16 AM

    Comment: A small sample of what I've heard (from strangers) by living child-free by choice: "Doesn't your husband want children?" (If he changes his mind, he can have them with his next wife."), "You must have had an awful childhood." (No worse than yours.), "How would you feel if your mother didn't have you?" (How would I know the difference?), and the worst smug offense: "You'll change you mind." (You must be highly intuitive, since we just met.) Others think they are entitled to explanations. So I turn it around on them: "I don't ask you why you have only 2 kids instead of 12. Unless you've only had sex 2 times. But that would be none of my business. Wow, I hadn't considered that!??? Lastly, there is the hurled litany of how selfish I am. How selfish is it to think that you're so great that the world needs more of you? Did you cure cancer or make a 150 mpg car? How selfish is it to use more of our depleting resources for oil, corn, rice and even water to sustain your expanding household? I???ve put more thought into why I didn???t want children than most people put into why they did. If you???ve been guilty of some of the above comments, kindly take a look inward before you go running your mouth.

    • Posted By: erinlovestoread @ 07/04/2008 12:41:00 PM

      Comment: LOL, yeah, I get the same comments about not being married yet. I made a conscious decision to pursue my education first (I'm currently getting my master's) and, lol, it's not like I have a choice in the matter as I haven't had a date in two years. I went to this kind of reunion thing at my old church just this past weekend and ran into an old friend of my parents. I had my hands in my pockets so she couldn't see that no, I don't wear a ring on that so important finger. She points to my left hand and says, "So, are you married yet?" I think people just don't think before they speak sometimes - I know I'm guilty of that myself. That and they don't realize how something like that, or the stuff said to you, can be hurtful as it just seems logical to them.