Having Kids Makes You Happy

I am 32 years old, and a stay at home mom of four children, my olderst is 7 and my youngest is 2. I love my children dearly, and at the same time, I appreciate this article and believe there is some truth to it. Just like some of you have said, "different strokes for different folks." Every relationship is different and is meant to be that way. If you want to have kids, great. If you don't, great. I always wanted to have kids, and I made that choice because it's something I wanted for me, not to conform to any standards society may hold. I am a good mom, and my kids are good kids, and being a mom takes a lot of hard work. In that same breathe, it takes a lot of hard work just being in a relationship or being an individual. I don't think anyone is more special because of a decision to have or not have children. We all have our own, personal struggles in life, and what's important is that we make it through and keep moving.

In my personal experience, it's not true that being childless makes you happy. I am in a second marriage, and my husband is older than I am. He had children from his first marriage and didn't want to start over again, despite my pleas. Fast forward to 20 years later, he's retired, and we're both lonely, bored and unfulfilled. It's not that we don't get along, we do. But everyone needs more than one important person in their life. People with family around, whether it's the nuclear family or extended family, have no idea how lonely and empty your life can be without family. I have found that as people age, they spend more time with extended family, particularly when they retire. I increasingly see our friends and neighbors spend more time with their grown children and grandchildren. We are spending more and more time alone. Aside from lacking people contact in my life, there is no greater human need than to be needed. I am envious of my friends who get a call from their children asking them to baby-sit. I would be thrilled to have someone need me like that.

No, it's not for everybody. You could say this about anything challenging--med school and postgraduate training in my case. I officially discourage people from entering medicine because it might weed out some weenie who didn't have what it takes to begin with--if have motivation and you're committed, what I say shouldn't matter. Same goes for parenting. If you have the drive to be a grown up adult capable of putting the long-term satisfaction of being a parent and having given it your all in front of the self-indulgent thrill of the moment, then you likely don't need my encouragement. If some newsweek article talks you out of being a parent, you shouldn't have been in the first place. Go skip off and play with your friends. It's not like we have a shortage of people.

It astounds me that the word "selfish" is brought up again and again and again when voluntary childlessness is discussed. I have come to the conclusion that a surprising number of people don't know what the word actually means. According to Merriam-Webster, the definition of "selfish" is:

1: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others

The two key phrases in the formal definition of selfishness are "without regard for others" and "in disregard of others". Whose wellbeing is being disregarded by not having children? Who is falling "victim" to the fact that some people decide not to reproduce? Please, stop it with the subjective colloquialisms already!

does anybody know if there are any groups I can join to meet other adults who have made the same choice as me to not have kids. I would really love to meet others who I feel have made the more intelligent choice especially in this day and age.

We were married seven years before having children, and we have been empty nesters for two years now. We lived as DINKS, and also as a traditional family. For us,....having children made our lives sooo much more interesting, unpredictable, and fun. Maybe this is not the same as happiness, but us parents both agree the best years of our lives were spent together as a family...going to sports events and watching our daughters compete, going on Girl Scout trips, meeting our daughter's friends, and the friend's parents, family camping trips. and on and on. Now that we are empty nesters...we can do anything we like, go where we like, live a hedonistic lifestyle if we choose. Fact is, compared to our family life..this is boring. Childless couples would probably not understand. But, I am glad they are happy too.

It's true that not everyone should have babies. Those who don't want them shouldn't have them because they'll just screw them up, abuse them, or just not show them the love they need and deserve.
At the same time, why shouldn't they have babies?? Why don't they want them?? Is it really because it is "greener" like someone said or because they don't have the "maternal instinct" as another person said? I think that is just bull. People can call it what they want, but I think it comes down to them not wanting the responsibility or to give up some of their freedom. That is the essence of selfishness.
Now others have said that it is selfish to have children because it is over populating the world, or other things like that. Also bull. The human race must go on. If we want to make the world better, those of us who are educated and ethical people need to teach those traits to our children. You know there are always going to be the stupid/white trashy people who have a kid out of wedlock because they don't know how to use birth control, or the dumb highschool girls who want to be cute pregnant. What are the chances of those kids coming out well? Us responsible people need to try and counter act that. You can make excuses for not having kids... and that's fine... that's your prerogative, but lets just accept them as that... excuses.

I can guarantee I feel less stress and worry than any parent. I also feel less tired at the end of the day and appreciate the quiet in my home. Considering all that is involved, I would also agree that children do not make you happy... that isn't their job. I also recognize that the joy parents feel in their children should be deeper than the joy I can feel without children; that is the nature of service and no one should serve more than a parent. However, what should be is often very different from reality. I just hope that no parent reads this and resents their children because of it. Like the article states, it has become very complicated to raise children and there is less support for you. It isn't likely to get easier either, but no one should judge those who choose to be parents any more than any other generalized group. I, personally, am trying to give more support to those parents in my circle of influence. Most of them really deserve that. Maybe I can help bring their stats up 7%. :)

KerryS, People who don't have kids won't "leave a legacy"? Writing a book, finding a cure for a disease, or any numerous other accomplishments are a far greater legacy than leaving behind a possible delinquent who is nothing but a drain on our already rapidly diminishing resources. Your reasons for having children seem far more selfish than not having children. I will fund my own retirement and have time to make lifelong friends; instead of mourning children, I will leave behind funds for charities that will make a difference. Not having children is selfish? On the contrary, to CHOOSE children if by far the more selfish decision.

I have always preferred the term "CHILDFREE" vs "childless". One is a joyous proclamation. The later is a dismal assessment ,more often than ,not passed from another on that couple who has made a concientious decission to avoid the pressures of a society locked into traditions from a century ago that birthed the mentality which produced the very humerous book "Cheaper by the Dozen". In our current century and looking forward, the Childfree are leaving a far smaller carbon footprint on our Earth, Our ultimate legacy is to pioneer the way to greater stewardship of the Earth.

My husband and I never had a particularly strong urge to procreate. In fact, we were never that thrilled with kids. Then I was diagnosed as bipolar. This can be heritable. It appears that my paternal grandmother had issues and I'm positive that my father did as well. Living with a parent with extreme moods can be confusing to a child. Of course, I had my own problems to contend with. Two bipolars in the same home is NOT pretty.

That clinched it. Why would I want to create a child who I would probably love more than anything and stick them with a mental illness?

Also, I'd have had to go off my medication while I was pregnant. It might not work as well when I restarted it. Even if the kid wasn't bipolar, he/she would bear the brunt of it.

We're glad we didn't have kids. I prefer that the mental illness stop with me. My husband agrees.

We enjoy our nieces and nephews and enjoy spoiling them. We enjoy our passions like photography and horses and astronomy. We haven't missed out on anything. Because I'm well regulated, we enjoy happy SANE lives.

As for those who feel that their children will look out for them in their old age: don't count on it. My mother adored my brother above all else. When she became old and no longer able to be his housekeeper, cook, laundress, etc, he sent her to an assisted living facility near me while he continued to live 500 miles away, but not before he got her to sign her share of the house over to him. He broke her heart and she never recovered. The bottom line is -- don't count on your precious children to give you the same priority you give them.