Having Kids Makes You Happy

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  • Posted By: M.Singer @ 07/02/2008 11:37:45 AM

    Just to clear up something I do not think all are called to have children. The Apostle Paul wrote that it is not sin to get married but a single man can do better to bring more people into the kingdom of heaven. If you want more free time use it for that, that would be better than having kids anyway nothing here can compare to what is there.

    • Posted By: hoylehoppy8 @ 07/02/2008 5:05:15 PM

      I like your replies M.Singer!

  • Posted By: TruthSeeker4Life @ 07/02/2008 5:00:38 PM

    Maybe the reason that most people don't want to have children is that we stopped teaching our children what "NO" means. "No" has become taboo and we are seeing a generation of selfish, bratty children. If that's kids are like, it's no wonder that people don't want them. Train them right... and they will be a blessing!

  • Posted By: kungfupanda @ 07/02/2008 4:19:57 PM

    Tell me the good reason to have a kid. I would like to hear the reason which doesn't benefit yourself.
    I don't see any single reason that doesn't related to "PLEASE YOURSELF"

    • Posted By: 4any4all @ 07/02/2008 4:54:18 PM

      I would direct you back to my most recent comment.

  • Posted By: Stephanie Tane @ 07/02/2008 12:25:53 PM

    My s/o and I are childfree. We don't feel the need for lots of "stuff" and extra money to buy it with, we don't travel, we (mostly) leave work at 5pm on the dot and can't wait to get home, we prefer to spend Saturday night at home in our pajamas rather than out at the bar with friends, and overall we view ourselves as painfully boring individuals. Our decision not to have children is not the result of short (or medium!) term thinking, materialism, workaholism, immaturity, irresponsibility, or a youthful desire for as much freedom as possible in our day-to-day lives. Our decision not to have children is a DIRECT result of a complete lack of desire to have children (and, secondarily, a few philosophical problems with the concept), and knowing ourselves well enough to recognize it. Everything else is a bonus. If we TRULY WANTED children, whatever sacrifices/lifestyle changes we would have to make for them WOULD be worth it to us.

    I am hesitant to speak for others, but I believe that for many childfree people/couples, their lifestyles (be they as mundane as mine, or much more spontaneous!) are the RESULT of their decision not to have children, not the REASON. Self-absorbed, egotistical individuals who have no desire to view the world and its people beyond the narrow limits of their own lifestyles/family type/choices/desires shouldn't pretend to know the hearts and minds of those they have no intention of genuinely attempting to understand.

    • Posted By: mnarich @ 07/02/2008 12:44:17 PM

      Stephanie,

      You say that your decision is not a result of a youthful desire for as much freedom as possible. I'm willing to take your word for it, and it certainly is your decision. But your comment screams otherwise, and is self-contradictory. You say that the reason you don't have kids is because you don't WANT to. You have no DESIRE. Or in other words YOU desire something else. YOU want to be free to NOT have children (whatever else that entails). So according to your own comment, it IS about YOUR personal freedom after all. Which is the point many of the parents on here have been making. Children are not here to make US happy. We are here to make THEM happy and to teach them to make the world a better place by caring about what others want and need at least as much as they care about what they themselves want.

      • Posted By: Manee1 @ 07/02/2008 12:50:06 PM

        What you've posted makes absolutely no sense. So those with no desire to have kids should have them anyway?

        It's totally fine not to have a desire to do something. I don't have a desire to cliff dive, but I bet cliff divers would say I'm missing out. We all want different things in life, and I don't want kids. Frankly, I find those that call that immature more immature than me, since they're the ones who have to judge and namecall. I don't care if people have kids, why do they care so much that I don't want them?

        • Posted By: Stephanie Tane @ 07/02/2008 1:50:12 PM

          Yes, I do desire something other than having children, but that "something" is simply not having children. Not having children is exactly what I desire, and it really goes no deeper than that. If you want to talk philosophy, my answers will be much more interesting, but my lifelong lack of "desire" for children is the same as my lifelong lack of desire to be an accountant. And yes, I want the freedom to NOT have children just as I want the freedom to NOT be an accountant (and just as you WANT the freedom to HAVE children...so our desire for freedom is the same!). But this type of freedom isn't the same as the freedom to go out with friends or sleep in on the weekends....this freedom is the type that is essential to human dignity itself. And, yes, I desire the freedom that human dignity demands I, you, and everyone be afforded.

          Parenting is a full-time career; some people are called to it, and some aren't. In that respect, it is no different than any other occupation. If you are looking for some ultimate "perk" or goal that made me decide parenting isn't for me, you aren't going to find one. Parents are here to make children happy once they exist. It would be wrong for anyone who has created another human life to think otherwise. However, you make a child happy BECAUSE it has been created, you don't _create_ it in order to make it happy.

          As far as putting your personal wants aside (per your other reply), perhaps I don't understand what you mean. As I mentioned, I have an s/o, and how else does a relationship work if not by each partner putting the other's wants and needs before their own? How could you say that you love your husband/wife/partner if you weren't truly willing to die for them? Again, perhaps you need to go in to more detail, but the emotions you described having for your children are the same that I have for everyone I truly love. And, sometimes the most selfless acts are the ones that go completely and utterly unnoticed.


          • Posted By: mnarich @ 07/02/2008 2:35:36 PM

            Stephanie,

            If you want me to believe that it is possible for you to desire an absence of something without also desiring the presence of something else, then I want you to believe that it is possible to have children IN ORDER to make them happy as well as to desire to make them happy after they are born. In many respects our desires flow from our beliefs (less often the reverse). If you believe that a child first pops into existence at the time of its birth or conception, then you may wonder how someone could have a child IN ORDER to make the child happy (although that is still a distinct possibility, since a brand new happy person in the world is a wonderful thing, and can spread happiness to others). However, I do not believe that a child pops into existence the moment it is born or conceived on earth. I believe that we have a broader existence than that which begins at birth or conception. I believe that children are part of a larger fabric of life that will find expression and existence on this earth whether through me or someone else. That is, I believe that they will be born sooner or later whether or not they are born to me. In this regard I see childbearing and adoption as fundamentally the same thing. The chances are that my children could have been born in a miserable hovel somewhere in a disease infested swamp or ghetto, or they could have been born to a home that loves and cares for them and provides the necessities of life. I believe I can provide those things. If you do not believe that you can provide those things for a child, then I respect your decision to not have (or adopt) children.

            • Posted By: Stephanie Tane @ 07/02/2008 4:49:05 PM

              Now that I understand your philosophy I can see where you are coming from. While I don't hold the same views on existence, conception, etc. by a long-shot, I respect them.

              I'm off. If applicable, have a good holiday.

        • Posted By: mnarich @ 07/02/2008 12:59:38 PM

          I'm fine with you not having kids. And I agree that desire is important. What I'm trying to say (and clearly I'm not articulating it well enough because you entirely missed my point) is that when it comes to having kids, the whole point of the endeavor is to put YOUR wants and needs SECOND. Sure you can say that I WANT to put my kids first. Righto, word games. My point is that the article missed the point (and many of you who agree with it are missing the point as well). The point of having kids is NOT to make YOU happy. There is such a thing as altruism, and its purest manifestation is found in parenthood. If you don't WANT to have kids fine (I don't want you to, believe me, I worked in child welfare, and I think people who don't want to put the needs of a child first shouldn't have them). But don't pretend that you are happier, because you don't have a basis for comparison, and don't pretend that YOUR happiness is even the relevant question. This is what is wrong with society. Everyone cares more about what they WANT than about what is right, good, or best for society. Wants are fine and important, but we OUGHT to WANT something larger than our own personal satisfaction.

          • Posted By: Manee1 @ 07/02/2008 1:31:35 PM

            "the whole point of the endeavor is to put YOUR wants and needs SECOND."

            I already do this. For my husband, my family, my friends. Your posts seem to assume that the childfree are incapable of this, simply because they haven't procreated. I don't need to have kids to know how to put myself second above someone else.

            • Posted By: mnarich @ 07/02/2008 1:47:24 PM

              NOPE. I have NOT assumed that you cannot or do not do that. I was responding to Stephanie for saying both that it is NOT because of wanting freedom, and it IS because she doesn't WANT to. There's a contradiction there. And yes, I am completely fine with you not having children. If you would be miserable as a parent, you would probably (not necessarily, but probably) make your children miserable too. Parents who have children for the wrong reasons often make them miserable. What I'm trying to do is correct the misperception that people (necessarily) have children IN ORDER to be happy, or that personal happiness is even a relevant question.

          • Posted By: Manee1 @ 07/02/2008 1:34:05 PM

            PRETEND I'm happier? I KNOW I'm happier. It's so ridiculous how you judge that I cannot know I would be miserable as a parent. I KNOW I would. Why I'm not having them. So of course I'm happier than I would be if I had a kid. I'm thrilled I don't have kids and won't have to have them. That doesn't make me selfish or unable to be altruistic - it means I feel differently than you, that's all. You have very thinly veiled insults in your posts. I don't think you're really fine with people not having kids at all, if you need to say the kinds of things you're saying. Live and let live, not everyone wants the same things, and that's fine. It doesn't make you better than me, and I'm not better than you. We're just different.

  • Posted By: 101grad @ 07/02/2008 3:46:07 PM

    to a degree this is very true.. "only the dumb or the poor have kids now a days" some are dumb, some are poor, some are both. Just take a look at how many people living on welfare with kids. If you're out to make $ then kids are just a distraction. Personally having kids is the biggest egotistic thing you can do, how selfish is it for someone to have kids. "oh i know our kids will be beautiful" give me a break. While you're changing diapers, i'm at the beach in thailand.

    • Posted By: JB2008 @ 07/02/2008 4:48:42 PM

      last time a checked the rich and famous were having lots of children brad&Angy, julia roberts...should you have only the kids you can afford? yes...however the entire reason that welfare came about was to "temporerly" help families in need..You know you can be rich or have enough to provide for your family today but tomorrow you dont know what circumstances you can be in. So pelase stop saying ignorant comments.

  • Posted By: Wired @ 07/02/2008 4:48:02 PM

    I will have kids when I become tired of having free time,having extra money,going on vacation at a moments notice,sleeping 8 hours a night and driving a sexy sports car.

  • Posted By: ChildlessWoman @ 07/02/2008 4:40:35 PM

    As a childless 49-year-old woman, what has put the biggest dent in my happiness is the great effort other people make to rub it in that I have no kids. I am excluded from all social events that include children or revolve around parenting (except showers -- I get invited to those, of course), I am not allowed to voice opinions on raising chidren. I am treated as a freak by my fecund realtives, and as an enemy by my mother-in-law (and, by the way, I wanted children and my husband never did, I found out too late). I am assaulted by baby commercials, baby movies, baby everything -- all of the time. My OB/GYN grimaced when I said I'd never been pregnant, and asked me why I'd never done anything about it. I'd had to wait more than an hour in the waiting room for this creep, watching happy mommies coo over their little treasures. Maybe what determines your happiness about this is whether it's a choice or it just happened to you. And whether you are surrounded by nice and supportive people in your life or complete jerks. My life falls into thelatter category, I'm afraid.

  • Posted By: learyblaine @ 07/02/2008 4:39:38 PM

    Sincere question to all the folks claiming that this love between mom and child is the greatest, most wondrous thing on the planet (with the clear implication that this is ALWAYS the case), can you all say that you felt that (and feel it today, if applicable) from your mother? Does it (and has it always) appeared that this is the way she feels toward you? If so, that's wonderful. If not, how do you explain it?

  • Posted By: lukie68 @ 07/02/2008 4:37:04 PM

    I was not fortunate enough to find someone who wanted to have a family with me, so a few years ago I looked into adopting on my own. I spoke to both my sister (who never wanted children) and my father (my mother is dead) about my desire to adopt. My sister was indifferent to the idea and my father discouraged me from doing it saying that it would be too overwhelming to do on my own. So I knew I would not have a support network to help me out. I didn't believe I could do it without them. With that said, I felt that I could not give a child the life that I thought it would have deserved to have - and I gave up on adoption. I now devote my time to volunteering as I mentioned in a previous post. The point I am trying to make is that I think it would be fair to say that we could all agree that parenthood is not for everyone. The nobel thing is to recognize it in ourselves whether we have what it takes to be parents - and act accordingly. The important thing here is the child's happiness, not ours. We have control of our own happiness. A child has no control who parents them, and therefore has little control over their happiness (at least as minors).

  • Posted By: dblag1976 @ 07/02/2008 4:28:16 PM

    I am 32 years old, and a stay at home mom of four children, my olderst is 7 and my youngest is 2. I love my children dearly, and at the same time, I appreciate this article and believe there is some truth to it. Just like some of you have said, "different strokes for different folks." Every relationship is different and is meant to be that way. If you want to have kids, great. If you don't, great. I always wanted to have kids, and I made that choice because it's something I wanted for me, not to conform to any standards society may hold. I am a good mom, and my kids are good kids, and being a mom takes a lot of hard work. In that same breathe, it takes a lot of hard work just being in a relationship or being an individual. I don't think anyone is more special because of a decision to have or not have children. We all have our own, personal struggles in life, and what's important is that we make it through and keep moving.

  • Posted By: exkr123 @ 07/02/2008 4:25:17 PM

    To kungfupanda - what reason do you have to NOT have kids which doesn't relate to pleasing YOURSELF?! Having a child is one of the most selfless things you can do.

  • Posted By: sufferpuppet @ 07/02/2008 4:22:30 PM

    "They help give life purpose." Seriously? If you need crotch fruit to give your life purpose you might want to give suicide a shot.

  • Posted By: bequialife @ 07/02/2008 4:16:49 PM

    No matter how good a parent may be, there is no guarantee that the child will grow up to be a good, productive person. Sometimes kids are born a bad seed, or hang with the wrong crowd and next thing you know you've got a juvenile delinquent, drug addicted or alcoholic child. No matter how much "rehab" , disciplining, etc. kids can be disappointment for years. That is a risk that I, nor a lot of people I know, don't want to take.

  • Posted By: eggie @ 07/02/2008 4:12:35 PM

    This study doesn't take into account the benefits of having children, like having family to be there for you in your old age, or to give you grandkids to spoil when you are older and have nothing better to do. They help give life purpose.

  • Posted By: 4any4all @ 07/02/2008 4:11:36 PM

    Having children is ultimately not a "choice" any of us has the power to decide. Many people try for years to get pregnant and don't; others get pregnant "by accident;" most fall somewhere in between. No one made the decision to come into existance; I would contend that nobody's parents had control over exactly when they were conceived. Children are a gift from God; not something owed to anyone. Those who became parents simply "chose" to participate in the process. Those who aren't parents "by choice" chose not to participate (though I know a fair number who became parents despite their best efforts to avoid it).

    Some ask those with children, "Why did you do it?" Our decision to participate in creating a new life was this: simply to create the child for his/her own sake. Not because I wanted to duplicate anybody (how boring). Not because I wanted more happiness in life (I was happy and fulfilled in the first place). Not because I thought it's what we should do or was the "logical next step." Not because we were "ready" financially, emotionally, or otherwise -- nothing can prepare you for parenthood. But simply to bring forth life for life's own sake. The ultimate decision, though, belongs to a Higher Power.

    Those who don't believe in God or that God is the author or all life will likely disagree; so be it, that is the point of free will.

  • Posted By: Towerguy79 @ 06/30/2008 3:44:05 PM

    Comment: I've read and re-read most of the comments and sicussion pieces posted here, and I'm seeing some very one sided answers. I'm a 29 year old male who chose NOT to have children, and who's wife subsequently divorced him for it. Neither of us were ready finanically or emotionally, nor was our relationship ready, for a child to be brought in, and she was very adamant about forcing it.

    I have many friends who had children very young (some at the age of 15) and most of them have either lost custody of their kids, or have told me on a number of occasions (in confidence of course) that they wished they would have waited until they were more secure in their own lives.

    Selfish? Possibly. But I think we all have stages we achieve in life, and getting over our selfishness is a requirement before we're ready to have kids. Trying to deny this is ridiculous; admitting to ourselves that we need to be comfortable with our own lives, before we can fully cherish our children's lives, is of utmost importance.

    I'll concede the possibility that, since I do not have children, I could never understand the emotions impressed upon a person when they have them; however, looking in from the outside, I can make assumptions based on my observations, and I can say with 100% confidence that if you aren't ready to sacrifice your own life for the well being of your child's, then you have no business having children.

    • Posted By: templedog @ 07/02/2008 4:01:12 PM

      LOL!
      Welcome to the world of getting dumped for how you see things! You aren't the first.
      :)
      I could not AGREE with you MORE. And wound up in similar results- perhaps though- not for the worst in the long run.
      Too many people go ahead with what may have seemed like Utopia at the time, only to find their worlds crumble around them under the pressures of parenthood- how to obtain enough--- food, shelter, clothing, education, medical etc. Let alone getting their OWN education or ( as in my case) trying to get a business off the ground.
      I'm sure completely underestimating what they are going to need financially isn't unheard of! What a disaster!
      This seems to me like people giving up on themselves and their own lives- it doesn't make sense to me.
      Also the thought SHOULD occur to people, you may grow to have a different picture of your ideal mate in mind in your 20's than you would in your 30's or 40's or beyond.
      As for the parents who aren't prepared, in the end- EVERYBODY has to deal with their mess one way or another, and to be honest, I can't think of one person I know that is EVER happy because they jumped the gun and sold out on their own lives early.
      I hear excuses by the basketful, yet personally, it felt better to be dumped than to have an irreversable situation down the road. That's just a female's point of view.
      I don't think you will regret waiting or in the future having children should you choose. You sound like a sensible guy to me.
      Good for you!
      The men I have seen get backed into a corner seem miserable, tired and used, obviously their goals and dreams are further away than ever, and sadly, their wives didn't seem too happy either.
      You'll be fine. I promise. Many people share your ideals whole heartedly- this TowerQueen for one!
      :)

  • Posted By: TheAndy @ 07/02/2008 3:59:24 PM

    In addition: To the parents who neglect their kids, the problem is to stop having kids, rather they just need to start being better parents. It's also not the kids' fault that the parents are neglectful, if you want to play that card. Hence, why should anyone say "It would be better if the parents used protection"?

    How about "Why don't the parents grow up and take responsibility for their actions?"

  • Posted By: camtrader9 @ 07/02/2008 3:57:06 PM

    This is a provocative article. You don???t often get to see well-researched and articulated pieces with the theme of ???what???s so great about having kids anyway???? I completely agree that people with children are probably not happier on a daily basis than people without. There is no comparison really. Doing whatever you want versus entertaining children. Spending money on yourself versus spending money on children. Being able to leave the house at will on a whim versus being trapped there until you are relieved. Having to go to great lengths to converse with your spouse, not to mention any sort of intimacy. The worry and stress and self-doubt that comes with wondering if you are doing a good job. Not to mention the relentless attention they require and the complete lack of appreciation from them or anyone else for your efforts. Why is this something to be happy about? Are we all just blinded by some biological imperative that prevents us from acknowledging that we are personally worse off for breeding. If happiness is to be measured by one???s day to day mood or emotional satisfaction level, then people with children surely cannot be happier. This is a no brainer. No amount of cuteness can make up for all of that downside.

    The only rational counter argument that I can think of, and what I personally believe, is that children are satisfying in a different way than the concept of happiness is defined in this article. I think there is a great deal of satisfaction that comes from investing oneself in another person--or even a worthwhile project that has greater meaning for the community or the world at large. You would not necessarily say that a person who devotes themselves to a cause that they believe in is ???happier??? either???usually such decisions come with a great deal of self-sacrifice and discomfort. I think having children is like that. It???s a higher calling that requires you to be unselfish and give yourself away. At some level, giving yourself away is meaningful and satisfies us in a way that just ???being happy??? is not. I don???t think having children is the only way to achieve this but it probably has the most upside to go with it. Having an innocent, vulnerable little person who is totally dependent and trusting makes us better people than we know ourselves to be sometimes, and that is also satisfying in and of itself. And you have to admit they are pretty cute and can bring a smile to your heart like nothing else. And then there???s the potential pride in a job well done, seeing your hard work pay off when you rear a caring and responsible human being, the creative act of producing a unique living thing that is a combination of both yourself and someone you love???those are all pretty great things.

    Maybe the question should not be are people who have children ???happier???, but rather do they have a greater sense of personal fulfillment and satisfaction? Sometimes, one is the price you pay for the oth

  • Posted By: I am Who I am @ 07/02/2008 3:19:20 PM

    I absolutely disagree with Guru1976...who are you to say that people were put on this Earth for the sole purpose of recreation? I have not made the decision to have children yet, but I am still not sure I will ever make that decision. I do not see choosing against parenting as "selfish" or that I may never "mature" into an adult. I feel that someone who chooses to have children should enter into it with 1000% effort. Anything less would not be fair to a child.

    Look at all the famous figures of the world or those who have passed....religious figures, etc (i.e. Mother Theresa, etc) who never had children, but instead devoted their lives to something much more meaningful...making the world a better place. From your comments, I take you to be a hard-core uneducated conservative (Republican) who has a very narrow view of the world. Let people live the way they want to live. If it doesn't effect you...let it go! I think you're the one that needs to grow up.

    • Posted By: nejbruns @ 07/02/2008 3:56:10 PM

      Obviously some on this board think the sole purpose in life is recreation; others re-creation. I'm pretty sure it's not recreation, and judging by evolution - I think it IS closer to re-creation!

    • Posted By: Guru1976 @ 07/02/2008 3:38:03 PM

      "who never had children, but instead devoted their lives to something much more meaningful..."

      Are you serious? It's more meaningful to help someone take care of their children, (with no real personal experience), than to raise one of your own and shape it in a way that will benefit as little as just you or as much as the entire world? The children that are not being born could be the next leaders or inventors. Then again, they might not be. Nevertheless, increasing our numbers also increases our odds of discovering things that might not be discovered otherwise. Even mathematically, choosing to not have children is a selfish act, as you are putting your wants above the speed of evolution that we achieve as humans.

    • Posted By: mnshdesai @ 07/02/2008 3:33:03 PM

      I request you to kindly not mix "education" with any of this debate. I have never mentioned in any of my postings about people not wanting to have children as "uneducated" or "illetarate". So, please refrain from calling guru1976 as "uneducated". Education does not mean broad-minded as you tried to imply. I have known the most highly-educated who have the narrowest of minds and way of thinking. Hope you appreciate that.

  • Posted By: ariesgal63 @ 07/02/2008 3:53:11 PM

    Some people should never have kids! I see a lot of parents that are neglecting their kids ..why should these people have children then????? it's not the child's fault he or she is born.it's the parents fault for having sex and not using protection...stupid people...

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