Having Kids Makes You Happy

When I hear people talk about how they feel about their children, it always sounds like heroin addicts talking about the high once the drug hits the bloodstream. "Nothing else compares or matters; you'll never understand how profound it feels; you will die for it/them" et cetera. Man, I don't EVER want to feel that obsessive about anyone or anything! What a lot of baggage. I love my child-free life and it isn't about material things or selfishness at all. It is about having the time and the opportunity to learn and grow and give back to the world and experience life in ways that a life centered on taking care of dependent children makes impossible. People caught up in raising kids have no idea how the rest of us live, either, or how rich our lives are. Mine is anything but boring or empty. Thinking of everyone I know with kids, I cringe at the thought of living their lives. Their stories are so bizarre, and yes, like those of addicts. They go on about the most god-awful, nightmarish experiences and problems with their children, but then they finish with ???Oh, but it???s all worth it!??? Like hell it is. I???d want to fake my own death. Frankly, I question their sanity. But someone has to carry on the species, so I???m fine with leaving them to their delusions of happiness. Really a parent???s love for their children has to be like a drug addiction. Otherwise no one would survive infancy, and certainly not their teenage years! My mother spent her whole adult life raising children and is the most miserable person I know. She never had time to discover or develop herself as a person and, now nearing the end of her life, is basically an empty shell. Sure, she loves us, but that's just the addiction-like effect. I feel sorry for her and all those like her.

Man, this has turned out to be a contentious subject huh? I think that Guru dude several comments down is just a wind up artist coming on here to stir things up. If so ... job well done! You've entertained me!

Anyway, I just had a kid 3 months ago. My first one in my 10 year marriage. I never really wanted kids. I had developed a whole militant philosophy on why having kids was a pathetic, selfish activity carried out by people who weren't developed enough to resist their own primitive desires. Talk about hypocrisy huh?

All I know is that I got to the age of 33 - saw that my husband really wanted to have a child and thought that if I didn't have one now ... I might really regret it later. What if I got to 45 and thought, 'I'd really like to have a child' but then it would be too late? I'm old enough and wise enough to know that people's wants and desires can change.

Now I have a child and man it's hard work. She's cute, a little cynical and not easy to coerce. I think she's on to me. ;) She'll probably ask me one day why I brought her into this sh*thole of a world, just like I asked my parents at the age of 16, and all I'm going to be able to say is ... 'Duh ... don't know, ask your Dad'. But I can also say, 'Well, we are all here too ... the sun still shines, there's plenty of places to explore, and you'll always have someone that loves you (me and Dad), so it can't be all that bad'!

As I read some of the fired up comments here, which come down on both sides of the argument, I realize that it's not about anyone having all the answers. It's about choice. if I choose to have a kid, then I choose not to be able to spend as much time developing myself as an individual anymore. But, at 33 I feel I can rest on my laurels for the next 18-20 years without feeling like too uninteresting of a person. Plus I can still manage to read a good book here and there and get out and about to have a good time. I'm a parent, I'm not dead.

Plus me and the kid are bound to have some good times together. I plan to teach her lots of stuff about life ... how to be respectful and disciplined while also enjoying herself. There's lots to enjoy. I think the bottom line is that we all need to keep our noses and judgements out of other people's business. We all have our reasons for either having, or not having, kids and nothing anyone else will say, for or against what we feel, is going to change that.

Does having kids make you happy? Not anymore or less than not having them, as far as I can tell.

I hate to break it to you baby-lovers who think you have experienced some deep love with your children that those of us who choose to remain childless will never feel -- I have the exact same feeling with my dogs! I ADORE them! I can't stop watching them learn, grow, and play. I love to take them places or give them a treat and see excitement and happiness on their faces. And I love that they adore me back, that they get so excited each and every time I come home. We are so bonded, and we are a family, and my heart aches when I think about how much love I have for them. The best part, they will ALWAYS be this cute and sweet. Unlike kids, they won't learn to say no, or cry and scream when they don't get their way, or demand that I spend tons of money to get them the trendy clothes or toys. AND they won't grow up and turn into people, ugh, I could do with a lot less dumb people in the world. Especially irritating, stupid people who try to make everyone conform to their views and opinions.

Of course having children doesn't make you happy. Neither does marriage, for that matter. Keeping a family together is hard work and self sacrifice interspersed with moments of pleasure at seeing your commitment pay off. When you leave the hospital, you are given a large packet of materials to read about the upcoming challenges: nursing, teething, sleep, etc. When you adopt/foster, you are given materials to read about the upcoming challenges: blending a family, dealing with behavior issues, etc. Maybe my packets were missing something, but I didn't get the government leaflet that said, "Parenting: Prepare to be Happy!" What kind of a nutbag goes into parenthood, or marriage, expecting it to make them happy? Sometimes you get a special needs child, or a special needs spouse, and you are still their parent, still their spouse, only now your work load is doubled. The joy comes from having a higher calling - the joy comes from making it work, getting it right, and every once in a while being able to sit back and really enjoy it.

Parenting is NOT for everyone, which is why there are contraceptives available to those who don't want kids, and adoptive/foster parents for the children that are the victims of those less responsible. We have four kids; two biological and two foster/adopted. Sometimes we look at our friends without children and wish for a weekend or two of their lives, but overall we feel good about the decisions that we have made. I know that sometimes our friends without children look at our lives and wish the same thing. There is no right or wrong here, just a bunch of really personal decisions that can only be made by each individual. As a foster parent, I wish that more people would give their reproductive decisions the kind of effort and time that some people have put into these comments!

The way I see it, my unborn children do not suffer, but as soon as I birth them into this world, there suffering will most surely begin. I couldn't live with it myself. Sure, there are those joys when you see the kid happy, when you take care of them and watch them delight in all you do for them, when you see them learn and move towards independence, but you know their delight will be short lived. You have a sense of the adulthood that awaits them, not to mention all the suffering that awaits them even before adulthood, in their teen years. You say you will try to do your best, your kids won't be gunned down in school, live in fear of being gunned down in school, or be the one holding the trigger. Not your kids. But you know you don't really know. Those parents where it is their kids also thought it wouldn't be theirs. And so on. You bring them into the world to suffer so that you can live off the bliss of their ignorance and innocence while they are young and their caretaking when you're old and they're trying to raise a family themselves, feeding off them like a parasite while sentencing them to a life filled with suffering. Is that really what you mean to do? If not, don't do it.



My parents loved my sisters and I a great deal, and to this day my mother says that having children was the thing she is most happy about from her life. Great for her, but even with all the joys, accomplishments, good friends, and good times, it's been a heck of a lot of suffering for us. I'll create the meaning in my life for myself, and save for my own retirement, thank you. I don't need kids for life purpose and old age slaves. I'll also pay the taxes that send your kids to school and give them parks to play in. I'll volunteer and send money to child-friendly causes. If you're a friend, I'll send gifts at the right times, listen to you fret and complain about all the stress of parenthood, and maybe even help with school expenses if you come up short. I want to help you ease your children's pain as much as I can. I just wish you wouldn't have caused it in the first place.

wow, i can't believe this article. i waited 8 years to have a kid. my husband and i were adamant that it wasn't for us. then my grandmother died and we really started thinking more about family. Now that we have a toddler in our late 30's, we regret not having kids sooner. and we are so thankful we didn't have trouble getting pregnant. so many of our friends in their mid-30's are having to seek treatment. it is hard work, the sleepppppsleepless nights (esp the 1st 6 months and hardest thing we have ever done, but he is the besthing that ever happened to us. it absolutely changes your life and lifestyle. but it is worth it. the people that don't feel that way, are really the ones that haven't been able to shift the attention off themselves and to their children. our society and the media that pelts us every day is so focused on "ME" that it has made the basic function of raising a child, a complete inconvenience to living your own free lifestyle. raising a child teaches you so much about yourself and your spouse, how to work together, and how amazing and wonderful the world is through their eyes. you also have to be positive and not always focus on the negative. of course it is crazy hard to be sleep-deprived (esp that first 6 months), and to never be able to get on the computer during the day-time. But almost everything in life has it's trade-offs and that is most certainly worth the amazing, fresh perspective on life that having a child brings you. and like the author says, you can't imagine loving someone so deeply as your child until you've had one, and to have that child freelylove you back is the most heart-warming experience you will ever have. i can't get enough of his soft,star-fish hands on my cheeks, and hearing him say he loves me too before kissing me. you all should try it in your life-times!

A small sample of what I've heard (from strangers) by living child-free by choice: "Doesn't your husband want children?" (If he changes his mind, he can have them with his next wife."), "You must have had an awful childhood." (No worse than yours.), "How would you feel if your mother didn't have you?" (How would I know the difference?), and the worst smug offense: "You'll change you mind." (You must be highly intuitive, since we just met.) Others think they are entitled to explanations. So I turn it around on them: "I don't ask you why you have only 2 kids instead of 12. Unless you've only had sex 2 times. But that would be none of my business. Wow, I hadn't considered that!??? Lastly, there is the hurled litany of how selfish I am. How selfish is it to think that you're so great that the world needs more of you? Did you cure cancer or make a 150 mpg car? How selfish is it to use more of our depleting resources for oil, corn, rice and even water to sustain your expanding household? I???ve put more thought into why I didn???t want children than most people put into why they did. If you???ve been guilty of some of the above comments, kindly take a look inward before you go running your mouth.

It is an individual's decision whether or not to have children, and I don't judge those who choose not to have children. However, after reading some of the comments here, I believe that many of those without children are deceiving themselves. Do things like travel, freedom from responsibility, and not having to parent really compensate for not having children? It doesn't matter what you own, or where you travel when weighed against the love that chil