Does Having Children Make You Happy? | Newsweek The Smart List

Having Kids Makes You Happy

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Societal ills aside, perhaps we also expect too much from the promise of parenting. The National Marriage Project's 2006 "State of Our Unions" report says that parents have significantly lower marital satisfaction than nonparents because they experienced more single and child-free years than previous generations. Twenty-five years ago, women married around the age of 20, and men at 23. Today both sexes are marrying four to five years later. This means the experience of raising kids is now competing with highs in a parent's past, like career wins ("I got a raise!") or a carefree social life ("God, this is a great martini!"). Shuttling cranky kids to school or dashing to work with spit-up on your favorite sweater doesn't skew as romantic.

For the childless, all this research must certainly feel redeeming. As for those of us with kids, well, the news isn't all bad. Parents still report feeling a greater sense of purpose and meaning in their lives than those who've never had kids. And there are other rewarding aspects of parenting that are impossible to quantify. For example, I never thought it possible to love someone as deeply as I love my son. As for the Sloans, it's hard to say whether they had a less meaningful existence than my parents, or if my parents were 7 percent less happy than the Sloans. Perhaps it just comes down to how you see the candy dish—half empty or half full. Or at least as a parent, that's what I'll keep telling myself.

Answer: False

So, where do our feelings of happiness, sadness, anxiety with our kids, depression come from then? The thing is that, the situations, and the things that happen to piss us off, make us impatient, make us feel elated and wonderful too are all secondary causes, which act as the trigger. We all know that some people are able to cope with so much from their kids. Their kids give them a constant hard time. But, some of these people are able to just take it all in their stride, and are able to keep smiling. Other people find it difficult to smile about anything. Everything seems to get on their nerves, and irritate them, and make them unhappy. Why is this? Well, actually, all of these feelings that we have, ranging from the heaviest depression, to the lightest, care-free, happiest times - originate from our within our mind.
So, what is the basic, root cause of our happiness then?
Well, It lies in developing states of mind that directly cause it: Developing patience, love, compassion, kindness to others is where it's at. This is why parents find (for a short time anyway!) that they feel incredibly happy, when caring for this new little person, that has come along. We know that these feelings don't last though. Why? Because most of us don't realise the actual causes for happiness come from within.
Temporary happiness, through having great kids, and all the other things that we do stuff is fine, of course. We all need a holiday! But, we also need to gradually built up this internal cause. Many people find this happening when they have kids. We learn all these things from them.. Patience, love, living in the moment... But, we also need to understand that the happiness that we feel is generated within our own mind. If we understand this, and know the methods to use, then the things that once pissed us off, tested our patience, made us depressed, gradually have less and less of an effect. It does sound crazy, but, it's possible with a little effort, to become very happy all the time. And we, and more importantly, those close to us ??? our family, become happier also.
This following little verse is from Shantideva, the Indian Buddhist master:

"Where would I find enough leather
To cover the entire surface of the earth?
But with leather soles beneath my feet,
It???s as if the whole world had been covered.
Likewise, if I retrain this troublesome mind of mine, what would be the need in retraining all else?"

Sounds corny I know, but that's where it's at.
Having kids is great. If we don't have them, still fine. But, we need to know that root causes of our happiness. Once we know that, everything else falls into place..
Cheers all.

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Posted By: Mavendetout @ 08/10/2009 3:40:52 PM

Married 40 years. Never had 'em, never wanted them.
At 63 and 61 respectively, my wife and I are beyond joyful at never having had children.
The rewards of childlessness have seemed to increase over the years, and I suspect, after many years of observation, that most men become fathers because they want to prove to the adults around them that they really, really are grown up. Very sad.
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Posted By: pauljg1974 @ 07/17/2009 6:33:19 AM

PS: Sorry for the long text!

Paul.x
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Posted By: pauljg1974 @ 07/17/2009 6:32:46 AM

So, where do our feelings of happiness, sadness, anxiety with our kids, depression come from then? The thing is that, the situations, and the things that happen to piss us off, make us impatient, make us feel elated and wonderful too are all secondary causes, which act as the trigger. We all know that some people are able to cope with so much from their kids. Their kids give them a constant hard time. But, some of these people are able to just take it all in their stride, and are able to keep smiling. Other people find it difficult to smile about anything. Everything seems to get on their nerves, and irritate them, and make them unhappy. Why is this? Well, actually, all of these feelings that we have, ranging from the heaviest depression, to the lightest, care-free, happiest times - originate from our within our mind.
So, what is the basic, root cause of our happiness then?
Well, It lies in developing states of mind that directly cause it: Developing patience, love, compassion, kindness to others is where it's at. This is why parents find (for a short time anyway!) that they feel incredibly happy, when caring for this new little person, that has come along. We know that these feelings don't last though. Why? Because most of us don't realise the actual causes for happiness come from within.
Temporary happiness, through having great kids, and all the other things that we do stuff is fine, of course. We all need a holiday! But, we also need to gradually built up this internal cause. Many people find this happening when they have kids. We learn all these things from them.. Patience, love, living in the moment... But, we also need to understand that the happiness that we feel is generated within our own mind. If we understand this, and know the methods to use, then the things that once pissed us off, tested our patience, made us depressed, gradually have less and less of an effect. It does sound crazy, but, it's possible with a little effort, to become very happy all the time. And we, and more importantly, those close to us ??? our family, become happier also.
This following little verse is from Shantideva, the Indian Buddhist master:

"Where would I find enough leather
To cover the entire surface of the earth?
But with leather soles beneath my feet,
It???s as if the whole world had been covered.
Likewise, if I retrain this troublesome mind of mine, what would be the need in retraining all else?"

Sounds corny I know, but that's where it's at.
Having kids is great. If we don't have them, still fine. But, we need to know that root causes of our happiness. Once we know that, everything else falls into place..
Cheers all.