Bringing Home Mom and Dad

I completely understand how you feel, my Mom and Stepdad are closer now finally and I know that time is not in their favor. Things are at least a little better now since I got them out of a nursing home and found a home care giver for them. I friend of mine had told me about being able to find senior / elder care that would come to your house, but I had no idea how easy it was to find. I went to the site she mentioned http://findinghomecare.com and was very pleased with the results. I know feel less guilty and better about the quality of thier lives, now that I have a trained specialized care giver. They have helped me add a registered nurse now as well, as their needs progress. Anyway, I just feel better/happier knowing I am doing the right thing and that they are close to my home and of course close to my heart. If anyone is needing help, I would sure check them out, they seem nice, professional and eager to help me in finding homecare.

In the article, ???Bringing Home Mom and Dad,??? the author, Anne Kennedy Rickover, points to a lack of information that would help her relocate her elderly parents. She is clearly a resourceful person but what was missing were resources; she looked in vain for books, turned to the web, and finally stumbled along, as did her friends, who were also helping parents relocate into appropriate housing. There is nothing sexy about aging, and no willingness to admit our human frailty as we age, so why talk about it?

Care for our elders is expensive. Cultures of abundance supported them; cultures with minimal resources found ways, usually with ritual, to terminate or abandon them. In the past, we have been able to care for our elders, however, this is about to change as our median age rises. Soon the economic burden that care for elders places on our society will stifle any growth and perhaps we???ll reluctantly open a conversation about euthanasia.

The good news is that this bleak future can be avoided - we already invented everything we need! The missing piece is the availability of knowledge. The keyword Ms. Rickover needed was universal design (the making of products and environments that work for as many people as possible regardless of age or ability). Universal design helps one live independently, securely, joyfully and in comfort. It provides a life of ongoing opportunities rather than diminishing ones.

I am committed to every American knowing about universal design. My website, http://www.universaldesignresource.com/, and blog, http://universaldesignresource.blogspot.com/, are just the starting points people like Ms. Rickover need to know about. It would be great for our leaders, be they media giants like Oprah (and Newsweek) or our local politicians, to start making this knowledge available.

Konrad K. Info@UniversalDesignResource.com

I too split my caregiving hours between my 7 year old child, and my 74 year old, wheelchair bound Mother. They call us the Sandwich Generation. It takes great patience, love, and understanding to retain some sanity in this situation. What many folks don't realize is when you care for an ill, injured, or just simply aging parent, you have to change their entire environment. Mom had a really tough time changing her routines. For example, she wasn't able to wash her hair by herself anymore. It was incredibly embarrassing for her. Luckily, one of the fastest growing industries the assistive living and technology. Products are coming out to make our parents lives (and our lives) easier. We solved Mom's hair issue with a <a href="http://www.enablemart.com/Catalog/Bathing-Aids/Comfort-Hair-Wash-Basin/">portable hair sink<a>. Problem solved - dignity restored. My advice to others who are entering or expanding their caregiving lifestyle is to slowly change their parents world. Don't change everything at once. Don't make it sterile like a hospital. Make them a home that they enjoy, use the great <a href="http://www.enablemart.com/"<assistive products<a> out there, and take time for yourselves.

I too split my caregiving hours between my 7 year old child, and my 74 year old, wheelchair bound Mother. They call us the Sandwich Generation. It takes great patience, love, and understanding to retain some sanity in this situation. What many folks don't realize is when you care for an ill, injured, or just simply aging parent, you have to change their entire environment. Mom had a really tough time changing her routines. For example, she wasn't able to wash her hair by herself anymore. It was incredibly embarrassing for her. Luckily, one of the fastest growing industries the assistive living and technology. Products are coming out to make our parents lives (and our lives) easier. We solved Mom's hair issue with a <a href="http://www.enablemart.com/Catalog/Bathing-Aids/Comfort-Hair-Wash-Basin/">portable hair sink<a>. Problem solved - dignity restored. My advice to others who are entering or expanding their caregiving lifestyle is to slowly change their parents world. Don't change everything at once. Don't make it sterile like a hospital. Make them a home that they enjoy, use the great <a href="http://www.enablemart.com/"<assistive products<a> out there, and take time for yourselves.

As an adult with a small child and full-time job who cared for her grandmother and then mother - I have to say that there comes a time when it becomes necessary to "convince" the older parent that it is time to move. Yes, there will be resentment, argument, bull-headedness, but eventually, each one saw the necessity for the move. No one likes to admit they need someone else, especially their daughter or son, to care for them. And to give up their personal memories is very difficult. But making new memories and spending more time with grandchildren can be a blessing in disguise, for all. I will say, it was very difficult, and a marriage was broken up over it. But in the long run, we only have each other in this world, and I'm glad I didn't have to put either one of them in a nursing home.

I helped care for my Alzheimer dad for 10 years - luckily my parents and I lived in the same town. Mom was caregiver, I was backup to her. I worked full time also, and had an 8-year old child to help raise. Talk about stress! I spent my lunch hours grocery shopping and other errands, when Mom was sick (and she was several times, including hospitalization once) I became Mom, and that's who he thought I was. After he passed, I cried my eyes out, not for him being gone but for how much he had to endure before he left. I moved to a town 2 hours away, and my daughter went to college. I was working again and enjoying empty nest syndrome. Then two years later Mom had a brain aneurysm bleed, and lived to tell about it. She was a poor surgical risk, so doctors told me she would most certainly die from another bleed within 48-hours, then two-weeks, then 2 months. I brought her home with me to live out her remaining time. She lived for SIX YEARS as an invalid and I took care of her till the end. In all of this, my sister, who was an RN, didn't lift hardly a finger. She lived away, but could have helped alot more. I did my duty and after Mom passed last year, I find I don't know how to have a life anymore. I lost most of my social contacts while taking care of her. Unfortunately I can't work, as I'm impaired by lupus and very active fibromyalgia that causes pain constantly. I am done in!!
And guess what?? Two weeks after Mom died, my do-nothing sister shows up, divorcing her 2nd husband, and says she's going blind and needs me to take care of her. Guess what? I told her not to count on me cause I had paid my dues! She is estranged from her 4 children and every other friend and family member she has, so she's having to do on her own. She's really not even blind, as I've caught her doing things that only a well-sighted person could so, and I've told her so!
I am READY for a new life! And I have it...a wonderful husband who puts up with it all, my daughter is happily married now and I have a grandson due in September! But its strange shifting gears from unhappy illness to happy loved ones. I am going to make it, I know!!

A close friend spent the last 8 years of her dad's life travelling to/from Vermont to Georgia to care for him at least 6 times a year. She'd make and freeze meals, take him to doctor appointments, arrange for other providers to stop in and "do" for him. All because he refused to come live with her in her spacious home. Now I am in the same boat to a certain degree. My mom needs help, and I peridically fly to Tennessee from Massachusetts to help her out. She is NOT grateful for the help, but rather views it as an "interference." She gets angry and quite offensive about the repairs we, her children, make to her home or attempts to clean her rather filthy home, mow her lawn, and provide decent food for the pantry. It would make her life better, and my life better if we could take care of her in our home. An elderly parent should understand that moving in with a child is, in some ways, actually doing the child a favor. The alternative is worry, stress, and lots of juggling to travel sometimes 1700 miles to attempt to provide long-distance care.

As someone who is in the process of moving my parents across country, I feel comforted by the comparison of moving your parents is the same experience as having a baby. As overwhelmed as I feel in finding an apartment for them, the shear logistics of moving them from a house they have lived in for over 30 years, finding doctors, etc. I need to remember why we are doing this- to improve there quality of life and have them enjoy there last years surrounded by family. When I had my first son almost 5 years ago I experienced the same feelings of fear, and even panic of how everything was going to work out. I got through that experience successfully and I need to focus on the positives of having my parents close.

Life is just like the cycle. One can go away at whatever time and one can come into this cycle. Like Buddhism teaching, we just cherish our everyday's life with anxious attention and give a warm heart among family members and people around the world.
Right now, after I read your column, I just remember my mom's warm heart, my father's great advice, and my brother's care. We have to cherish our loving ones and warm each other when we have these kind of status in our lives.