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Bringing Home Mom and Dad
Just as we'd picked a pediatrician, there were doctors to be found and services to be located. Instead of shopping for furniture for a nursery, I had to find my parents an apartment. My babies, now 23 and 21 years old, hadn't given any prior input into their living arrangements, and my parents also put the decision into my hands. "Find us a place. You'll do fine." Where would they shop? Where would my mother make her weekly hair appointment? Where would they find the friends and social support they would?
I didn't want to have any illusions. All the old mixed feelings about my parents came back. I reminded myself that we're different people now. They're no longer the powerful forces I once perceived as holding me back from the life I desperately wanted to start. They're people who now depend, to a large extent, on me. I'm running the show—except, of course, I'm not. They're my parents and that doesn't change.
But what is possibly the most difficult outcome looms. Just as children move away, my parents are going to die. When my children were young, lots of vague passages of Khalil Gibran floated around my head; we were all free agents, the children would leave and I would be a model of non-attachment, continuing with my life, joyfully releasing them to their own journeys. Nothing prepared me for the pain that went along with this happy release.
Perhaps if my parents still lived 1,300 miles away, I'd feel the pain of separation less when they eventually leave. But they are now part and parcel of my everyday life and the huge gap they will leave will be more overwhelming than it would be otherwise.
But I survived my children's entries into my everyday world and their exit into their own lives, now mysterious and private. I came through my parents' entry and will get through their eventual leaving. I'll be shown again the foolishness of my conceits, the infinitely greater sweetness and richness of life, the poignant beginning and ending of yet another cycle.
Rickover lives in Lincoln, Neb.
© 2008
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Member Comments
Posted By: aprilbryan @ 08/25/2008 5:53:51 PM
Comment: I completely understand how you feel, my Mom and Stepdad are closer now finally and I know that time is not in their favor. Things are at least a little better now since I got them out of a nursing home and found a home care giver for them. I friend of mine had told me about being able to find senior / elder care that would come to your house, but I had no idea how easy it was to find. I went to the site she mentioned http://findinghomecare.com and was very pleased with the results. I know feel less guilty and better about the quality of thier lives, now that I have a trained specialized care giver. They have helped me add a registered nurse now as well, as their needs progress. Anyway, I just feel better/happier knowing I am doing the right thing and that they are close to my home and of course close to my heart. If anyone is needing help, I would sure check them out, they seem nice, professional and eager to help me in finding homecare.
Posted By: KonKaletsch @ 08/08/2008 9:40:16 AM
Comment: In the article, ???Bringing Home Mom and Dad,??? the author, Anne Kennedy Rickover, points to a lack of information that would help her relocate her elderly parents. She is clearly a resourceful person but what was missing were resources; she looked in vain for books, turned to the web, and finally stumbled along, as did her friends, who were also helping parents relocate into appropriate housing. There is nothing sexy about aging, and no willingness to admit our human frailty as we age, so why talk about it?
Care for our elders is expensive. Cultures of abundance supported them; cultures with minimal resources found ways, usually with ritual, to terminate or abandon them. In the past, we have been able to care for our elders, however, this is about to change as our median age rises. Soon the economic burden that care for elders places on our society will stifle any growth and perhaps we???ll reluctantly open a conversation about euthanasia.
The good news is that this bleak future can be avoided - we already invented everything we need! The missing piece is the availability of knowledge. The keyword Ms. Rickover needed was universal design (the making of products and environments that work for as many people as possible regardless of age or ability). Universal design helps one live independently, securely, joyfully and in comfort. It provides a life of ongoing opportunities rather than diminishing ones.
I am committed to every American knowing about universal design. My website, http://www.universaldesignresource.com/, and blog, http://universaldesignresource.blogspot.com/, are just the starting points people like Ms. Rickover need to know about. It would be great for our leaders, be they media giants like Oprah (and Newsweek) or our local politicians, to start making this knowledge available.
Konrad K. Info@UniversalDesignResource.com
Posted By: SamanthaF @ 07/23/2008 10:04:03 AM
Comment: I too split my caregiving hours between my 7 year old child, and my 74 year old, wheelchair bound Mother. They call us the Sandwich Generation. It takes great patience, love, and understanding to retain some sanity in this situation. What many folks don't realize is when you care for an ill, injured, or just simply aging parent, you have to change their entire environment. Mom had a really tough time changing her routines. For example, she wasn't able to wash her hair by herself anymore. It was incredibly embarrassing for her. Luckily, one of the fastest growing industries the assistive living and technology. Products are coming out to make our parents lives (and our lives) easier. We solved Mom's hair issue with a <a href="http://www.enablemart.com/Catalog/Bathing-Aids/Comfort-Hair-Wash-Basin/">portable hair sink<a>. Problem solved - dignity restored. My advice to others who are entering or expanding their caregiving lifestyle is to slowly change their parents world. Don't change everything at once. Don't make it sterile like a hospital. Make them a home that they enjoy, use the great <a href="http://www.enablemart.com/"<assistive products<a> out there, and take time for yourselves.