Subsidized in the City

I am in awe of Melody! I have been confronting this issue with my boys f(young men really) or the last few years. They seem to think that its our responsibility to support them after college and beyond. I realize that I am from a different generation (my parents lived through the depression as well as being working class) but I am a professor who works with this population daily and I am dismayed by their sense of entitlement. They don't earn an A, they expect it! You can see this being discussed openly in various educational publications. Aa a parent, I want the best for my kids but I do not want to be blackmailed by their guilt trips. I constantly hear about their friends who are being supported by their parents at 25! I am concerned about my generation being part of this lack of boundaries. Be clear. I am not talking about helping out - I have a 20 something still with me. I am not talking about concern or love for my kids. I would challenge anyone on that. It's a clear issue of loving them enough to become responsible adults. That's my job and some day they will thank me for it. I thank my parents every day.

This articles has clearly hit some sore spots. The tone of many of the comments written so far strikes me as very defensive, reflecting maybe an insecurity about this topic. Growing up I was constantly aware of how hard my parents had worked all of their lives to get to a point where their children could be financially comfortable, given that they had started out with very little. Much of my independence is based on having learned the value of financial safety and spending wisely from an early age. When I was in my early twenties I also saw many of my peers relying heavily on their parents' or others' support, and now many these same people today struggle constantly with their finances. So let's recap: I was never spoiled, I am now fully financially independent, and I see peers around me who struggle with their finances. Do I pat myself on the back occasionally? Yes. Do I think that I'm "special and better than everyone else" (as one comment below states)? No. And I don't think the author does either.

This is an opinion piece based on the author's observations; it's not meant to be a sociological study. Everyone would write this article differently, but not many would take the initiative to. It also strikes me as hypocritical that the same commenters who complain about the author's generalizations have made sweeping generalizations (and personal attacks) of their own.

Dear Melody, I think you are absolutely correct that your peers are, to put it nicely, being done a disservice by their parents, and to put it not-so-nicely, are spoiled rotten. What I was a bit stunned by is your apparent belief that this article is important because most American families are like yours and her friends': they're not. Most people your age cannot afford to live in New York and their parents cannot afford to fund their clubbing and designer dressing habits, and probably didn???t go to the right school or get the grades necessary to land them in whatever great job you have in New York. Basically your article comes off as; "My friends are privileged and spoiled, but I am privileged and responsible.??? Well good for you, but why should most of America, who falls into neither category, care? I think your article would have been more interesting if it had been a guide about how to survive in New York on your own, directed those of us with non-rich parents. You could have included your own tips and tricks for saving money, cheap eats, etc. in New York. In any event, I think that you are an excellent writer, but you should consider devoting your passion and journalism skills to advancing a more important cause than lecturing your rich friends and their parents. And also get new friends.

It is a breath of fresh air to hear a 20-something speak out about making it on her own after college. The larger issue here isn???t about money ??? it???s about maturity. When you are on your own, making your own money, paying your own bills, you mature. The parents who allow their children to live at home for free, subsidize rent, pay utilities, give stipends rob their children of the most important thing in the world ??? growing up. I fear for these kids when they get married and try to make the jump from ???dependent extended adolescent??? to ???independent wife or husband???. That???s a big jump! My father made it very clear from my early childhood that if I decided to return home after college, there would be a timeline for my stay and I would pay rent. He was a very wise man, and I have benefited from his wisdom and instruction to this day. @summer4077, I also came from blue collar, paid my way and went to public university. After graduation from Ohio State I moved to Chicago and lived paycheck-to-paycheck. I couldn???t save a dime and ate a lot of Ramen noodles. It was hard. It was humbling. It was stressful. It was rewarding. It was liberating. I would change it for anything in the world.

I think that the author is spot-on. The other comments below sound as though they are written by young people in denial about their situation. She is correct: anyone can make it in NYC if they are willing to sacrifice some extraneous expenditures in exchange for living in the city. Feeling proud of your accomplishments through financial independence is incredible. With the economy in the dire straights that it is in, financial responsibility is necessary. Paying off debt and student loans is a huge accomplishment, but so is knowing you have done it on your own. It's good to know that your parents are there if you need them in an extreme circumstance but learning how to survive on your own is even better. I think she an honest, insightful writer.

Wow, this girl is really condescending. She fails to realize that her parents have put her in a much better position than most people her age. Now, if she wants to talk about working two jobs to put herself through college (at a public university), on top of taking out loans to make up the difference because her blue-collar parents couldn't afford to help her (as I and all of my friends did) then sure, I applaud her. But come on. She went to private school and mommy and daddy paid for that--most private universities cost about $40k a year, hardly chump change. I'm sure way more people could sneer at her for that than the people she's looking down on. The people she talks about are 25 and 22 and just starting out. A 22 year old still getting some support from her parents, especially in an expensive city, is ok. Maybe parents don't want their kids living in less-safe areas, what's wrong with that? Sounds like she's a little bitter for some reason. Stop patting yourself on the back...you have no idea what that 22 year old's life will turn out to be, and remember that you are only where you are because of your parents! So hypocritical.

As a job recruiter in New York your Private Education subsidized by your parents with no student loans, plus a free place to stay while you found a job in the city, not to mention the fact that you are an attractive white female, already puts you in better catagory than 99.9 percent of the population. My biggest gripe about young people here is that everyone seems to think they are special and better than everyone else. And your article proved that.

This article fails to quote a single source and never attempts to present an unbiased, or fully-fleshed out portrayal of any of it subjects. If these are your friends that you are talking about here, painting them all as spoiled and out-of-touch without presenting a single example of a friend of colleague who is making it on their own, then I wouldn't want to be your enemy. Anyone who lives, works or plays in New York City knows that there are many types of people trying to make it. However, with the absurd cost of living here, most people need all of the help they can get. I know plenty of people just getting by on their meager paychecks, an equal amount of rich spoiled kids living on their parents tab and then other people who come from a very privileged background but who still work and don't take hand-outs. While I believe your heart was in the right place here, presenting yourself as the example of what all of us young New Yorkers can aspire to is quite self-aggrandizing especially when you have had more privileges than most. This self-righteous tone does nothing to make up for your lazy journalism.

Supporting yourself is great. It is liberating. It should be the ultimate goal of young people.

But even though I (and basically everyone, really) would agree with that, someone has to say it: this article comes off as extremely self-righteous, preachy, condescending, and naïve. I grew up in NYC. I live here (and yes, I pay my own rent). But as a twenty-something, I know that I am in no position to tell any parents how to raise their kids, or to tell any ???peer??? of mine what to do when their parents have the means and the desire to help them.

In my experience, when parents help their children financially in NYC, the money is not given or used irresponsibly (i.e., a $600 allowance for designer shopping sprees). Perhaps Ms. Serafino should have really talked to a more diverse group of young city dwellers rather than just briefly citing some (extreme) examples and judging them in a heavy-handed and obvious way.

The majority of people I know who accept help from their parents don???t feel good about it. They are not spoiled, they still work like crazy, but they need some help to get by until they can work their way into a position to pay for everything themselves (and newsflash: Brooklyn and Queens are not cheap alternatives anymore, especially compared to other cities in the U.S., while starting salaries for most grads are mostly equally low everywhere).

If anything, parental support is something young people feel ashamed, not proud, of. But they keep trucking because NYC (and other major U.S. cities) have a ton of great opportunities, and are wonderful environments to learn and grow in. Their parents keep helping out because they know this, too.

If Ms. Serafino would have really gotten a chance to know and report these more ???grey area??? examples of real city life for young people, this piece might have had some journalistic value. I read this because I thought it would be an interesting commentary on the psychologically complex, less-glamorous side of city living for young people just starting out. But all it is in an ego-stroke.

And by the way, I???m sure Ms. Serafino has had more help getting to where she is than she cares to admit to herself. Staying rent-free in an apartment for three months is basically a very expensive graduation gift.

It's great that the author's parents subsidized her education. Some of us are fiscally responsible and paying back student loans!

I am in complete agreement with Ms. Serafino's analysis. A person is not truly an adult until they take care of their own business: financial, emotional, mental, physical, etc. This means that some people become "adults" relatively young, while others never become adults. As a man who has just turned thirty, I can tell you that any woman who isn't capable of seeing to her own needs (financial, and to a certain extent emotional) holds no appeal to me. I've observed how many 20-somethings and even 30-somethings expect to have their cake and eat it too. Party like a rock star, dress and drive well beyond their means, and just find someone to take care of them...and their lifestyle. This is what I see when I go to the club and see glamorous girls (and guys too) acting like they don't have a care in the world. What happens when Mommy and Daddy die and their left to fend for themselves, and to be the founts of wisdom, maturity, and responsibility to their children that their parents were to them? This is my message to all those twenty and thirty-somethings who're out of college: GROW UP. Discover how rewarding it is to know that you can take care of yourself. Free yourself from the role of parasite on your parents. Until you do you won't have true love and respect between yourself and them. How old it must get for them to feel like every phone call from you is tainted by the smell of love bought and paid for. You're just using them for their money. Decent, responsible, adult men and women who you ultimately want to marry won't respect you when they discover you have no independent capacity to care for yourself. PARENTS: Stop stunting your children's growth. I know you see your behavior as "love," but consider the consequences to them if something happens to you and they don't have the capacity to care for themselves. What if you go broke? What if you die? The free ride cannot last forever. Do you want them to go through the difficulties of learning how to make their own way now while you can supervise the process and provide meaningful support only when absolutely necessary, or die someday (as we all do) leaving them to fritter away their inheritance (as you've helped them learn to do so well) and then fail to achieve independence. What then for them? A glamorous position as a Wal-Mart greeter? Do them a favor and support them while slowly building their ability to survive on their own. Do it now.