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Inside the Grieving Brain

Memories of the person they missed prolonged their grief, giving them pleasure as well as pain.

By Jerry Adler | NEWSWEEK
Published Jul 26, 2008
From the magazine issue dated Aug 4, 2008

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  • Posted By: agilbertaeg @ 10/01/2008 12:58:39 PM

    Comment: i feel like this definitely relates to me. I am twenty and lost my father a year ago on sunday. I feel like nobody knows how this could feel and i dwell on it every single day, hour, and minute I am waking. I know it is a very weird statement to end this article with "loved their mothers more", but I believe it fully. My dad and I were so close that it feels like of course this will never go away. I love thinking about him, looking at pictures, and talking about him. Yet, at the same time, it does bring so much pain. And I have always thought it was because we were just the closest father and daughter out there.

  • Posted By: britb @ 08/22/2008 11:00:48 PM

    Comment: I was very interested in this article until the last sentence. "just loved their mothers more"??? What a horrible thing to say. Grief is a very individual and sometimes complicated process that has many variables including but certainly not limited to: support systems, religious beliefs, coping skills, personalities, health, age, past experiences, personal philosophies, and the circumstances of the death. Just because some people are able to adjust to the changes brought on by death faster than others, or because they react differently to loss does NOT mean that they have less love for the person who died. Shame on you for perpetuating this unfair misconception.

  • Posted By: kikat @ 08/22/2008 10:11:54 AM

    Comment: "just loved their mothers more"...that is an odd statement to have ended in an article such as this. I find it interesting that the subject of grief seems to be confined to humane relations. I have had many friends and relatives pass away in my life, but have found comfort in knowing they are as close as the other side. Not so with my best friend and companion of 17 years, that happens to be a cat. In 1991, diagnosed with cancer and all alone, I was told by a psycologist I would not make it without support. I got , what I thought, was just a cat. He was much, much more than that....he is the reason I live today. Last year, in september, primary lung cancer consumed his lungs in 10 days and I had to put him to sleep. No warning, no time to treat it and suddenly he was gone. That was the only thing wrong with him, he was otherwise very healthy for his age. I have been seeing a proffessional ever since and still cry nearly everyday. I can hardly get through this post, and I don't understand why I can't smile during memories we shared. That in itself has become a burden and I almost feel imbarresed by it. My life is cluttered in sadness and guilt for not being able to "get over it". I would say I definately have complicated grief....the question is how do I simplify it?

  • Posted By: kikat @ 08/22/2008 10:10:15 AM

    Comment: "just loved their mothers more"...that is an odd statement to have ended in an article such as this. I find it interesting that the subject of grief seems to be confined to humane relations. I have had many friends and relatives pass away in my life, but have found comfort in knowing they are as close as the other side. Not so with my best friend and companion of 17 years, that happens to be a cat. In 1991, diagnosed with cancer and all alone, I was told by a psycologist I would not make it without support. I got , what I thought, was just a cat. He was much, much more than that....he is the reason I live today. Last year, in september, primary lung cancer consumed his lungs in 10 days and I had to put him to sleep. No warning, no time to treat it and suddenly he was gone. That was the only thing wrong with him, he was otherwise very healthy for his age. I have been seeing a proffessional ever since and still cry nearly everyday. I can hardly get through this post, and I don't understand why I can't smile during memories we shared. That in itself has become a burden and I almost feel imbarresed by it. My life is cluttered in sadness and guilt for not being able to "get over it". I
    would say I definately have complicated grief....the question is how do I simplify it?

  • Posted By: Debra Ritter @ 08/19/2008 12:50:14 PM

    Comment: My son died of SIDS in 1999. I'm still very bereaved over his death. Since his death, I've also lost my Father, my brother, and 2 other close friends. My mother died when I was 10, so grief is something I've dealt with all my life. Complicated grief sounds silly. Why is there a 6 month time limit on how long someone should grieve? There are no rules. Has the author of this article ever buried their child?

  • Posted By: mpdahm @ 08/17/2008 1:33:46 AM

    Comment: My daughter died in May 2006 after her boyfriend rolled his SUV. Her new life is complicated because of her head injury. She does walk and talk. Her balance is an issue. She has vision and speech problems. I have a different child to deal with and it's hard because I loved the other one so much. I'm silly. Can't quite climb out of my grief. I'm 51 but I feel as if I'm 80. There's still kids to raise, everyone's been destroyed because of me. The grief is overwhelming and I need a way out of it or I will never have a family or friends again. My heart fills for you who have lost someone permanently. Peace be with you.

  • Posted By: Metalhaid @ 08/12/2008 1:25:38 AM

    Comment: It has been 2 weeks and I have yet to receive a response from you, Mr. Adler, regarding your complete and incomprehensible insensitivity towards those who have experienced loss of a loved one. I guess you don't care about your subscribers, therefore please consider this my cancellation notice...along with a copy of your article and my rebuttal emailed to as many people as I can reach. You deserve cancellation.

  • Posted By: rub9il @ 08/08/2008 12:58:41 PM

    Comment: As a grief counselor I find that trying to indentify the grief with portions of the brain seems to hard to wrap my mind around,no pun intended. I see many people with sad stories and what i find that keeps them holding on is the memories and of course guilt plays a large role in many cases. In their own time with the right support the heart will heal.

  • Posted By: angelnr @ 08/05/2008 1:40:41 AM

    Comment: I suspect sentimentality, coupled with great love, complicates the grieving process. After losing a child in a failed adoption attempt in 1981, my husband grieved most in the short term and I grieved hardest in the long term. For example, 27 years later I am surprised to still be getting one or two dreams a year about that previous child. Though my husband and I may never see him again in this life, to us he will always be our first, greatly loved son! We adopted again 5 years later, but one cannot compare one child to another. We love them all deeply, yet differently.

  • Posted By: angelnr @ 08/05/2008 1:30:54 AM

    Comment: You said: "I can't help but wonder: maybe the women with complicated grief just loved their mothers more."
    I don't think that is entirely the case. Sentimentality, coupled with a deep capacity to love, plays into the grieving process a great deal also. In 1981 I began grieving over the loss of a child that captivated my heart in an attempted adoption when the birth mother changed her mind. Now, 27 years later, I still occasionally have a dream related to that child, even though we adopted again five years later. As far as my husband and I are concerned, that child will always be our first, greatly loved son, though we may never see him again in this life.

  • Posted By: tangledsynapses. @ 08/04/2008 8:00:55 PM

    Comment: Suppressed grief as a result of the death of a loved one is not a healthy thing to do. We tend to suppress these feelings, a phenomena called DENIAL, as a mechanism to avoid the reality that the loved one is not longer with us,. This would be a painful mistake, that some day, sooner or later we will have to deal with. The appropriate thing to do is to grief the loved one with the help of a professional and to move on. This author purposely and intentionally avoided to grief the death of his beloved brother. Big mistake that has haunted me for 17 years until I finally decided to properly grief him. Now I feel at peace with myself, yet the pain is still there...but this is now a manageable pain. It was not that before. Grieving is part of the human nature.

  • Posted By: flashman @ 08/04/2008 1:53:19 PM

    Comment: I don't know if Mr. Adler ever lost anyone or not, but it doesn't seem to me. Since 1981 I have lost both my parents and two sisters and I still think of them all the time. But on May 31 2008 I lost my 16 year old son, Alexander. He was not sick, we just found him dead in his room. His test for drugs came back clean and til today they don't know what happened. I have a hole in my heart that will never heal, I will never forget or stop . I am going thur the worst hell there is . All people grive differently. I am the Father of my angle Alex, it hurts everyday, a liittle less but I will nevef fully heal and I understand and accept that. I hope Mr. Adler you never have to go thur that pain I will carry with me thur the rest of my life.thinking of him

    • Posted By: blueorchid @ 08/05/2008 4:12:56 AM

      Comment: In reply to "flashman", I am so sorry to hear about Alex. You are right, he is your angel looking over you and watching you till the two of you meet again in heaven.

  • Posted By: Lindsnol2 @ 08/04/2008 11:37:09 AM

    Comment: I agree with the previous post. I don't think it's a matter of people with complicated grief loving the deceased more, I think it is a problem with coping strategies and availability to support resources. I think our society today doesn't accept grief and someone dying as something that should be talked about or worked out. Therefore, people don't let themselves go through the whole range of emotions dealing with death and grief. The most important thing to realize are that getting over the loss of a loved one takes time, it is important to talk about your feelings, and reorganize your life in a positive manner, as well as, to find a new place for the deceased in your life, and finally, recognize the signs of complicated grief so that professional help may be sought, if needed.

  • Posted By: chrismccl @ 08/03/2008 4:00:05 PM

    Comment: My mom passed away in October 2006 and my Dad is currently suffering from the signs and symptoms described in this article. He has been unable to get over her death and still brings her up on a daily basis. Then again he has a very addictive personality turning to alcohol and prescription drugs to numb the pain even though he knows the horrible effects of such addictions. He clearly seeks the pleasure from remembering her as well as the pain that follows. I don't believe in any way that because he suffers from prolonged grief he loved his wife more than I loved my mother. This conclusion has no basis and should be disregarded in my opinion. His inability to deal with his grief is formed by his flawed personality and not his deeper love.

  • Posted By: BrownFoxNine @ 08/03/2008 9:23:15 AM

    Comment: the brain is so cool. Pretty smart folk to come up with these theories.

    JT
    www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com

  • Posted By: BrownFoxNine @ 08/03/2008 9:22:34 AM

    Comment: The brain is pretty cool. Pretty smart people come up with thsi stuff.

    JR
    www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com

  • Posted By: jackieblu @ 08/02/2008 4:42:21 PM

    Comment: People grieve in different ways. Some people may suffer from depression, or adjustment disorder, and can't deal with change of any kind very well. Conditions such as these may complicate the issue, however, the way in which a person grieves, does not, and can not, measure ones love. I lost my mom to cancer in 1999. She was only 61, and I felt sort of cheated for a while, and to this day I still feel the urge to pick up the phone and talk to her - when something important happens. Another thing that this article doesn't address
    at all is men's grief... In my opinion, losing a child has to be the truly the worst thing that can happen. It's
    not natural, it's not supposed to be that way. We pretty much know, and fear that we will lose our parents some day, but nothing can prepare a parent - to out live their child, talk about feeling cheated, I can't even begin to wrap my head around that. God Bless all parents that have had to deal with that.

  • Posted By: Susie121 @ 08/02/2008 2:48:44 AM

    Comment: Some of the people on here are posting pretty nasty comments when you consider the topic is basically about love. Can't we just all agree that people handle grief in the best way they know how? I have lost both my mother and father (6 years apart) and in very different ways (one was a heart attack and one a long illness) and I can say that several years after the last one passed, I still grieve pretty much every day in some way. It doesn't mean I cry every day, just that most days I think of them and am sad for a little while., but there are plenty of days I still cry. If someone else still cries every day then that is ok too. Grief is an inevitable part of love and of being human. We should appreciate the humanity of it....not diagnose it as a mental illness.

  • Posted By: Laura Online @ 08/01/2008 3:43:59 PM

    Comment: Jerry Adler states, ???I can???t help but wonder: maybe the women with complicated grief just loved their mothers more.??? Perhaps the women who are strong enough to work through their grief loved their mothers more and felt that the very best way to honor the memory of a loved one is to live a full and rewarding life, not one that is crippled by grief. We all show our love ??? and our grief ??? in different ways. Mr. Adler???s assumption that only those who are prostrate with grief truly loved their parents is offensive. I recently lost my father to cancer, and while I will miss him until the end of my days, I honor him and his memory by living those days as fully as I can. Other people may love their parents as much as I loved my father, but no one could have loved him more.

  • Posted By: ktmo @ 08/01/2008 8:26:41 AM

    Comment: The last sentence would have been cut by a decent editor for two reasons. First, it is highly offensive to those who are grieving and therefore too sensational for a magazine such as Newsweek. Second, it contradicts the sentence right before it, which states the author???s opinion that it???s dangerous to quantify grief.

  • Posted By: ERC24 @ 07/31/2008 9:14:46 AM

    Comment: Its interesting to read these comments. When I read the article this morning I originally shared the same anger and resentment towards the author as some of the commentators below. My thoughts were clouded with one idea and one idea alone: my mother fought for eight years of her life to stay alive long enough to watch her only child, myself, graduate college. She knew that she wasn't living to 55, she knew that it would kill her. But regardless, she bravely went through years of pain for me. So to read that article I think to myself - I bravely have to go through my life for her and me as well. To live every day with, if not grandiose meaning, then simple, happy meaning. To help and for others and appreciate everything that we have taht so many people don't. How dare the author proclaim that the miserable non-functioning grief symbolize a child who has loved their mother more? However, I have given some time to the idea and I think I get what he was saying. Love and grief are such natural, not completely scientifically explained, phenomenons of humans (and apparently elephants and primates too) and maybe they are easier explained that way rather than branded as a pathology, whether negatively implicated or not. At the ripe age of 24 I realize don't be so quick to judge. My mother did an excellent job.

  • Posted By: jath123 @ 07/31/2008 6:51:49 AM

    Comment: Bravo to the author. It is a shame that so many readers misintrepret his closing remark. He may have stated it awkwardly, but what he is essentially saying is that people who exhibit excessive grief should NOT be categorized as mentally ill. He is saying that such grief is just a condition of love, and should be defended as such, and he is right. He was just wrong to quantify it in comparison to those who do not grieve the same way. So don't condemn him for his poorly phrased closer. He was trying to defend love and grief (and normal humanity) against those who are quick to label everything as a disorder.

  • Posted By: gmariam@aol.com @ 07/30/2008 7:52:12 AM

    Comment: I must agree with the many others who have categorized Adler's concluding remarks as insensitive and tactless. To state that someone experiencing complicated grief loved their lost ones more is one of the most asinine things I have read in this magazine. It is just shy of saying that someone who doesn't suffer complicated grief didn't love their lost ones as much. This is equally unfair. Perhaps those who suffer from prolonged grief do not have the support system that those who do not have; perhaps those who experience typical grief have personalities that are more able to weather adversity and loss. There are any number of possible factors that go toward what a person experiences when they grief, and to place a value on their love and connect it to their level of grief is insensitive, ignorant and insulting.

  • Posted By: aunt_freya @ 07/30/2008 6:23:09 AM

    Comment: The suggestion that women who experienced complicated grief "maybe...just loved their mothers more" is offensive to those of us who have lost mothers early or tragically yet experienced "normal grief". I loved my mother, and our relationship was deep and close. Twenty when she died, I could have wallowed, spending hours poring over photos rather than going to classes, thinking about all the things she was missing while our family continued without her, and I did, for a while (with one semester of mediocre to abysmal grades as proof), but I knew that I had to get on with my life--it's what she would have wanted.

  • Posted By: mrstombrown @ 07/29/2008 10:10:36 PM

    Comment: Sorry for fhe typing errors in the previous comments.....my computer makes extra "s" and cuts off other letters if I do not proof read.............I was so upset by this absolutely ridiculous article. How a so-called 'respectable" magazine could run it is beyond me.......
    Please keep my son in your thoughts (and prayers if you so believe) tomorrow...hree years since he died..

  • Posted By: mrstombrown @ 07/29/2008 9:59:29 PM

    Comment: Newweek..I cancel any subscriptions to your magazine..too many unprofessional articles...too many ridiculous idiots writing equally ridiculous articles like this one...cancel subscriptions everyone!!!!

  • Posted By: mrstombrown @ 07/29/2008 9:56:36 PM

    Comment: I wrote a comment earlier this morning but it didn't post. I lost my son three years ago tomorrow..I lost my husband june 9, 2008. I can tell you that death iss MORE than a MACHINE'S imagining of so called"grief"..although I suspect the machine could be imagng any number of emotions besides "grief" in the study population. This article is a bunsch of crap...losing a loved one is a lifetime sense of loss. That is what it should be...love ones cannot be replaced..we are human...we are not machines. anyone who hass lost a child or a close loved one will tell you there are signss of life eternal...this poor as....le can't possibly understand...thank God there are many of us who do!!!

  • Posted By: Metalhaid @ 07/29/2008 8:44:14 PM

    Comment: Adler, you are an @$$h0Le. I wouldn't wish "complicated grief" on anyone, but if anyone deserves to experience it, you are a prime candidate. How DARE YOU imply that those who deal with grief in any way different than your experience loved their lost ones less. Why don't you do some research and interview a few hundred people who have lost loved ones--including those who have lost children, parents, spouses, siblings, friends, and pets--before you make such trite and insulting remarks. I hope Newsweek reads these comments and takes you to task. Shame on you, you insensitive creep! I am cancelling my subscription to Newsweek because your idiotic column is the last straw. I can't remember the last time I was so outraged from reading something some moron put in print, that I felt compelled to actually register just so I could 'comment.' I wish this wasn't a public forum, I have a few choice adjectives and adverbs I'd like use on you. I will close with an invitation for you to perform an anatomical impossibility upon yourself.

  • Posted By: Waylonsgrandma @ 07/29/2008 10:05:59 AM

    Comment: I lost my husband in Jan ... he shot himself in our garage, we were married 30 years. I lost my best friend in Nov the year before , car accident. I lost my mother, who was my best friend the November before that, and the following Dec my carreer ended when I was layed off after 26 years..... I call this complicated grief, ... will life ever be "normal " for me again.... I don't think so. I go thru life minute by minute....

    • Posted By: angelosdaughter @ 08/02/2008 2:44:45 PM

      Comment: God bless you, Dearr
      You have been thorough hell. Like you, I went through a string of family deaths, (1993-2001 lost 9 family members; 3 of the closest: Mamma Papa, and baby sister within 18 months). In 2005 my job of just short of 33 years was eliminated. Life is never the same after such a string of losses, and you never feel secure in anything again, but there can be moments of joy in what remains. . I live for them. I wish that for you, too.

  • Posted By: seabeckjill @ 07/29/2008 12:01:17 AM

    Comment: My 14 year old daughter was killed by a "rogue wave" while at the ocean with friends just four days before Christmas 2006. I think about her every other minute, and I still cry several times a day, because I miss her so much. I am still going to work every day, doing my household chores, taking care of my older daughter and husband. But I will never, never "get over" the loss of my child. Never. I probably suffer from "complicated grief", but I don't think that I am mentally ill. I don't know how long it takes for the pain to diminish, for the yearning to see them again to go away, but whenever that is, I have not gotten there yet. I don't think that I loved her more than other parents love their children, and I don't think the depth of love has anything to do with how people grieve, some people just function better than others when faced with tragedy.

    • Posted By: Manee1 @ 07/29/2008 8:47:56 AM

      Comment: Suffering from this "complicated grief" WOULD mean you were mentally ill, and even if you don't have that, it sounds like you might have depression, which yes, is a mental illness. Being mentally ill doesn't mean you feel "crazy."

  • Posted By: WillowinIowa @ 07/28/2008 8:59:26 PM

    Comment: I don't think it has anything to do with "loving them more." I don't know what it is. When my Mom died in 2003, I thought it just couldn't be any worse than that (of course, I have never lost a child, I am sure that would be far worse). I do know that the pain of losing my Mom was horrible, but over a period of months, the pain began to diminish. Then came the day when my daughter and I made a joke that included my Mom's way of doing things. We laughed and laughed. We now make jokes and laugh at good memories and enjoy the happiness that comes from having been loved so much by that woman. So as time goes by, I was talking to another nurse in the nursing home I work in, and I said, "I think about my Mom every day. And I am 56, and still miss her." A woman walking by the nurses station said, "I am 96. I haven't seen my Mom in almost 60 years and I miss her every day too. And I can't wait to see her again." so I guess grief doesn't go away, it just changes into something we can live with.

  • Posted By: lhanes @ 07/28/2008 4:46:42 PM

    Comment: excuse me?? people with complicated grief love their lost one more?? i don't do outrage much....but here i need to have my say.

    my only child, my 6 year old son died 18 months ago. do a search on bereaved parents--it's not pretty...losing a child is truly the worst thing that can happen to you. ask any parent.

    so i was with you on this article, thinking to myself i don't have 'complicated grief' because i am quite functional. i have many dark nights of the soul, and it's been a long, slow climb out of the pit of hell the past 18 months, but i owe it to my son to be healthy, to re-build my life. To say i did not love him as much as someone who has 'complicated grief' is just insulting...perhaps there are reasons some function better than others, but it's not the depth of one's love.

    • Posted By: Metalhaid @ 07/29/2008 8:36:25 PM

      Comment: You are truly an inspiration to all who read this, and perhaps that is part of your journey. We don't know why we are here or why what happens along the way, but you will see your son on the other side. God bless you and your family, and I hope Jerry Adler realizes what a horse's patoot he is for not properly researching this cruelly honest topic, and ending with such a pithy comment.

    • Posted By: Class of 58 @ 07/28/2008 5:23:58 PM

      Comment: God bless and comfort you, dear lady. Or do I just assume you are a woman. My mother lost two children who were in their 20's. She died at age 89 with a tear in her eye. I am 67 now. My sisters are "22 and 26. "I am still agonized about their death. There is no complication..... just love.

      • Posted By: Zerock @ 07/29/2008 2:45:28 AM

        Comment: I don't know what it would be like to lose a child, I am a Father of six Wonderfull Children, I almost lost my 19 year old son to a Quad accident, one year ago, Our lives lost its nortmality for what thank God was brief yet seemed endless. I stopped working so that i could sit at his bed side as he slowly recovered. there was long days of weeping mixed with fear and hope as we struggled with his brain injury and what his life had become. Thankfully he is now living at home and is wonderfully happy and a real encouragement to all who meet him.
        I am 45, My father was tragicaly killed when I was just 9. My father and I were real close but because he was slain by a family member I felt I could not talk about it beyond saying my father was dead. What ever grieving I did I did silently. For years I looked for him in crouds and he still visits me in a dream now and then. I have come to realise that there is no good time to die whether your a child or parrent. My brush with death has caused me to meditate deeply on my own passing to the point that I am ready at any moment to accept a sudden death either my own or a loved one. I have also helped my children to meditate on my passing as well as their own so that if I should die suddenly they know how I would want them to feal. they know I love them no matter what. My youngest child is the age i was when my father died and some times speaks to me about the wonderfull moments we share together and assures me that if i die she will never forget the time when....we talk about death as comfortably as we talk about life I assure them that if they were to pass on before I do that i will storm the gates of heaven with their names comming from my lips. (They Chuckle) I am proud of all my children for their love for life and their acceptance of death, this is how i dealt with my complex grief.

      • Posted By: Zerock @ 07/29/2008 2:43:11 AM

        Comment: I don't know what it would be like to lose a child, I am a Father of six Wonderfull Children, I almost lost my 19 year old son to a Quad accident, one year ago, Our lives lost its nortmality for what thank God was brief yet seemed endless. I stopped working so that i could sit at his bed side as he slowly recovered. there was long days of weeping mixed with fear and hope as we struggled with his brain injury and what his life had become. Thankfully he is now living at home and is wonderfully happy and a real encouragement to all who meet him.
        I am 45, My father was tragicaly killed when I was just 9. My father and I were real close but because he was slain by a family member I felt I could not talk about it beyond saying my father was dead. What ever grieving I did I did silently. For years I looked for him in crouds and he still visits me in a dream now and then. I have come to realise that there is no good time to die whether your a child or parrent. My brush with death has caused me to meditate deeply on my own passing to the point that I am ready at any moment to accept a sudden death either my own or a loved one. I have also helped my children to meditate on my passing as well as their own so that if I should die suddenly they know how I would want them to feal. they know I love them no matter what. My youngest child is the age i was when my father died and some times speaks to me about the wonderfull moments we share together and assures me that if i die she will never forget the time when....we talk about death as comfortably as we talk about life I assure them that if they were to pass on before I do that i will storm the gates of heaven with their names comming from my lips. (They Chuckle) I am proud of all my children for their love for life and their acceptance of death, this is how i dealt with my complex grief.

      • Posted By: drsyko1 @ 07/28/2008 6:13:00 PM

        Comment: As a psychologist who helps others deal with their grief and someone who has dealt with grief personally, I fully agree with you that the author's comment about loving someone more being the cause of complicated bereavement is incredibly tactless and insulting. It's truly one of the more moronic explanations I've ever heard. There's nothing like implying that if you're healthy and functional in spite of going through a terrible loss it must mean you didn't love that person enough! What an idiot . There is really just no excuse for saying something so incredibly ignorant as that. On a personal note, I'm so sorry for the loss you have suffered. It is a truly terrible thing to lose a child and it sounds like you have coped well with it. I hope things get better for you in the future.

        • Posted By: lhanes @ 07/28/2008 11:11:48 PM

          Comment: Thank you both--yes, i am a mother, And i know the writer was just trying to make a point at the end of the article that not everything is mental illness and we should stop labeling things that are a normal part of the human condition as such. And with that i totally agree. No, no one wants to deal with others' grief, and as a society we are awful at this. That said, the way he made his point was ridiculously tactless. And given the topic i can't think he was trying to be funny. So not sure what he was thinking. Yes, I'm coping fairly well, but truly I'd rather have gone through anything, including my own death, than to have seen him die. There just are no words.

  • Posted By: angelosdaughter @ 07/28/2008 4:18:03 PM

    Comment: I can't see categorizing prolonged grief as a mental illness. There is no timetable for grieving; it takes as long as it takes. Telling the stories and looking at the pictures is just a way of working it out and sometimes it takes years. In this country we shy away from the subject of death, and we just want people to get over it as fast as possible so we don't have to deal with our own fears, otherwise something is wrong with them. We don't take individual progression into consideration. Sometimes people just integrate the lost beloved into their lives in a different way. My sister and I talk in our father's Itaiian accent to each other when we repeat something he said. We don't want to list the memory of it. We have gone on with our lives, but we feel that we bring a part of him into our future that way, and he will never be lost to us. He did promise to 'love us forever after'', and that makes him present. We just can't see him right now. If you think we are delusional, that is your issue, not ours. Sometimes we make a choice on what we believe. For us this is more bearable than to believe that he is irrevocably gone.

 
 
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