Inside the Grieving Brain

I have complicated grief. My 17 year old son Taylor died suddenly in a freak accident. That was over three years ago, yet I still "hope" to see him walk through the door any minute. I loved my son dearly, we were very close. He was my only and only son. So - I grieve, and grieve, and grieve. I'm not sure I "want" to get over this grief. I feel that if I were to "get over" this grief, I'll lose my son entirely by not remembering him. He deserves more. He shouldn't have died, it wasn't his time and he would want the world to know him. He was a very kind person who only wanted the best for people. Here is his story (turn on your speakers) www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com

i feel like this definitely relates to me. I am twenty and lost my father a year ago on sunday. I feel like nobody knows how this could feel and i dwell on it every single day, hour, and minute I am waking. I know it is a very weird statement to end this article with "loved their mothers more", but I believe it fully. My dad and I were so close that it feels like of course this will never go away. I love thinking about him, looking at pictures, and talking about him. Yet, at the same time, it does bring so much pain. And I have always thought it was because we were just the closest father and daughter out there.

I was very interested in this article until the last sentence. "just loved their mothers more"??? What a horrible thing to say. Grief is a very individual and sometimes complicated process that has many variables including but certainly not limited to: support systems, religious beliefs, coping skills, personalities, health, age, past experiences, personal philosophies, and the circumstances of the death. Just because some people are able to adjust to the changes brought on by death faster than others, or because they react differently to loss does NOT mean that they have less love for the person who died. Shame on you for perpetuating this unfair misconception.

"just loved their mothers more"...that is an odd statement to have ended in an article such as this. I find it interesting that the subject of grief seems to be confined to humane relations. I have had many friends and relatives pass away in my life, but have found comfort in knowing they are as close as the other side. Not so with my best friend and companion of 17 years, that happens to be a cat. In 1991, diagnosed with cancer and all alone, I was told by a psycologist I would not make it without support. I got , what I thought, was just a cat. He was much, much more than that....he is the reason I live today. Last year, in september, primary lung cancer consumed his lungs in 10 days and I had to put him to sleep. No warning, no time to treat it and suddenly he was gone. That was the only thing wrong with him, he was otherwise very healthy for his age. I have been seeing a proffessional ever since and still cry nearly everyday. I can hardly get through this post, and I don't understand why I can't smile during memories we shared. That in itself has become a burden and I almost feel imbarresed by it. My life is cluttered in sadness and guilt for not being able to "get over it". I would say I definately have complicated grief....the question is how do I simplify it?

My son died of SIDS in 1999. I'm still very bereaved over his death. Since his death, I've also lost my Father, my brother, and 2 other close friends. My mother died when I was 10, so grief is something I've dealt with all my life. Complicated grief sounds silly. Why is there a 6 month time limit on how long someone should grieve? There are no rules. Has the author of this article ever buried their child?

My daughter died in May 2006 after her boyfriend rolled his SUV. Her new life is complicated because of her head injury. She does walk and talk. Her balance is an issue. She has vision and speech problems. I have a different child to deal with and it's hard because I loved the other one so much. I'm silly. Can't quite climb out of my grief. I'm 51 but I feel as if I'm 80. There's still kids to raise, everyone's been destroyed because of me. The grief is overwhelming and I need a way out of it or I will never have a family or friends again. My heart fills for you who have lost someone permanently. Peace be with you.

It has been 2 weeks and I have yet to receive a response from you, Mr. Adler, regarding your complete and incomprehensible insensitivity towards those who have experienced loss of a loved one. I guess you don't care about your subscribers, therefore please consider this my cancellation notice...along with a copy of your article and my rebuttal emailed to as many people as I can reach. You deserve cancellation.

As a grief counselor I find that trying to indentify the grief with portions of the brain seems to hard to wrap my mind around,no pun intended. I see many people with sad stories and what i find that keeps them holding on is the memories and of course guilt plays a large role in many cases. In their own time with the right support the heart will heal.

I suspect sentimentality, coupled with great love, complicates the grieving process. After losing a child in a failed adoption attempt in 1981, my husband grieved most in the short term and I grieved hardest in the long term. For example, 27 years later I am surprised to still be getting one or two dreams a year about that previous child. Though my husband and I may never see him again in this life, to us he will always be our first, greatly loved son! We adopted again 5 years later, but one cannot compare one child to another. We love them all deeply, yet differently.

You said: "I can't help but wonder: maybe the women with complicated grief just loved their mothers more."
I don't think that is entirely the case. Sentimentality, coupled with a deep capacity to love, plays into the grieving process a great deal also. In 1981 I began grieving over the loss of a child that captivated my heart in an attempted adoption when the birth mother changed her mind. Now, 27 years later, I still occasionally have a dream related to that child, even though we adopted again five years later. As far as my husband and I are concerned, that child will always be our first, greatly loved son, though we may never see him again in this life.

Suppressed grief as a result of the death of a loved one is not a healthy thing to do. We tend to suppress these feelings, a phenomena called DENIAL, as a mechanism to avoid the reality that the loved one is not longer with us,. This would be a painful mistake, that some day, sooner or later we will have to deal with. The appropriate thing to do is to grief the loved one with the help of a professional and to move on. This author purposely and intentionally avoided to grief the death of his beloved brother. Big mistake that has haunted me for 17 years until I finally decided to properly grief him. Now I feel at peace with myself, yet the pain is still there...but this is now a manageable pain. It was not that before. Grieving is part of the human nature.

I agree with the previous post. I don't think it's a matter of people with complicated grief loving the deceased more, I think it is a problem with coping strategies and availability to support resources. I think our society today doesn't accept grief and someone dying as something that should be talked about or worked out. Therefore, people don't let themselves go through the whole range of emotions dealing with death and grief. The most important thing to realize are that getting over the loss of a loved one takes time, it is important to talk about your feelings, and reorganize your life in a positive manner, as well as, to find a new place for the deceased in your life, and finally, recognize the signs of complicated grief so that professional help may be sought, if needed.

My mom passed away in October 2006 and my Dad is currently suffering from the signs and symptoms described in this article. He has been unable to get over her death and still brings her up on a daily basis. Then again he has a very addictive personality turning to alcohol and prescription drugs to numb the pain even though he knows the horrible effects of such addictions. He clearly seeks the pleasure from remembering her as well as the pain that follows. I don't believe in any way that because he suffers from prolonged grief he loved his wife more than I loved my mother. This conclusion has no basis and should be disregarded in my opinion. His inability to deal with his grief is formed by his flawed personality and not his deeper love.

the brain is so cool. Pretty smart folk to come up with these theories.

JT
www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com

The brain is pretty cool. Pretty smart people come up with thsi stuff.

JR
www.Ultimate-Anonymity.com

People grieve in different ways. Some people may suffer from depression, or adjustment disorder, and can't deal with change of any kind very well. Conditions such as these may complicate the issue, however, the way in which a person grieves, does not, and can not, measure ones love. I lost my mom to cancer in 1999. She was only 61, and I felt sort of cheated for a while, and to this day I still feel the urge to pick up the phone and talk to her - when something important happens. Another thing that this article doesn't address
at all is men's grief... In my opinion, losing a child has to be the truly the worst thing that can happen. It's
not natural, it's not supposed to be that way. We pretty much know, and fear that we will lose our parents some day, but nothing can prepare a parent - to out live their child, talk about feeling cheated, I can't even begin to wrap my head around that. God Bless all parents that have had to deal with that.

Some of the people on here are posting pretty nasty comments when you consider the topic is basically about love. Can't we just all agree that people handle grief in the best way they know how? I have lost both my mother and father (6 years apart) and in very different ways (one was a heart attack and one a long illness) and I can say that several years after the last one passed, I still grieve pretty much every day in some way. It doesn't mean I cry every day, just that most days I think of them and am sad for a little while., but there are plenty of days I still cry. If someone else still cries every day then that is ok too. Grief is an inevitable part of love and of being human. We should appreciate the humanity of it....not diagnose it as a mental illness.