The Art of Losing

I learned soda was a serious problem when I had laryngitis for two weeks during a book tour. As a 47-year-old, teaching six-hour seminars, I'd assumed it was overuse and silently pondered the ironies. While promoting a project on finding your voice, I'd lost mine. A motor-mouth career-obsessed feminist now needed her husband to return phone calls and place food orders. At my launch party I gestured wildly, as if playing charades. People bought more books so my editor surmised I was more endearing and relatable as a  mute. I carried a pen and pad to write I CAN'T TALK, jotting down my destination for cabs I once hailed with a bellow.

A former smoker, I worried about lung cancer or emphysema. But a doctor said my viral infection was worsened by acid reflux, a common ailment. Take Nexium and avoid spicy foods ... and fizzy drinks. I did, felt better, then slipped back to diet soda, until I was voiceless, with a hacking cough and breathing trouble. A throat specialist said: diet soda or your esophagus.

I was in denial about the diagnosis, and it wasn't the only piece of professional advice I got to quit: my gynecologist reminded me that caffeine has in some cases been linked to vaginal cysts. My dentist said he couldn't bleach my soda-stained teeth. After a root canal, the endodontist warned me that soda's ingredients eroded tooth enamel, making emergency procedures more likely. The magic potion I drank for decades was wreaking havoc on different parts of my body.

I hadn't realized how dependent I was on the caffeine, chemicals and the appetite squelching effect soda had on me. I ended up gaining weight and had mood swings without my regular fix. Not to mention learning to live without the psychologically soothing rituals I'd practiced, under the illusion that "calorie-free" meant healthy.

I still feel bereft without my diet soda, but I'm lucky I'm not ill and still have options. My doctor OK'd mineral water and chamomile tea. I'm trying to enjoy new rituals--boiling water, stirring bags of decaffeinated French Vanilla, and Caffeine Free Cranberry Apple Zinger. The only thing that's hit the spot so far is sipping Evian water through a straw in my last empty Diet Coke can, as if my eyes can trick my tongue and taste buds.

Or I could keep my mouth shut and not put anything in it for hours a time, a choice that, up until now, had never actually occurred to me.

Shapiro lives in New York City. She is the author of the 2004 book "Lighting Up: How I Stopped Smoking, Drinking and Everything Else I Loved In Life Except Sex" (Delacorte).

© 2008