Rethinking Fathers’ Rights

My daughter was abused and neglected.

Until she was almost 2 I paid hundreds a month in support without a court order and the mother would go for months at a time without letting me see her whenver she was angry with me. (According to Oklahoma law infants should be with there mothers....something about breast feeding....even if the mother chooses not to breast feed.) She had diaper rashes so raw she bled, which went away everytime I had her for the weekend. All I had to do was change her diaper. According to DHS this was not enough proof of neglect.

At 2 her mother dropped her off and just kind of never came back. She then gave me full custody and I have only seen her a couple of times since. She does not want to see her daughter, but, at this point that is for the best. I was awarded $75 dollars per month in child support by a judge. I have not received that in years and at a recent contempt hearing the mother said she really can't work right now, it's too tough, the judge and states attorney said 'oh, ok, let's come back in a few months and talk about it.'

Over the last few years I raised my daughter by myself, worked 2 jobs at a time, and recently graduated from college with a degree in MIS which has earned me an excellent starting salary. We eat dinner at the table every night, don't watch a lot of TV, own a nice little house, and she will have all the tools to be a happy, well adjusted person.

The system is a joke.

My daughter was abused and neglected.

Until she was almost 2 I paid hundreds a month in support without a court order and the mother would go for months at a time without letting me see her. (According to Oklahoma law infants should be with there mothers....something about breast feeding....even if the mother chooses not to breast feed.) She had diaper rashes so raw she bled, which went away everytime I had her for the weekend. All I had to do was change her diaper. According to DHS this was not enough proof of neglect.

At 2 her mother dropped her off and just kind of never came back. She then gave me full custody and I have only seen her a couple of times since. She does not want to see her daughter. But, at this point that is for the best. I was awarded $75 dollars per month in child support by a judge. I have not received that in years and at a recent contempt hearing the mother said she really can't work right now, it's too tough, the judge and states attorney said 'oh, ok, let's come back in a few months and talk about it.'

Over the last few years I raised my daughter by myself, worked 2 jobs at a time, and recently graduated from college with a degree in MIS which has earned me an excellent starting salary. We eat dinner at the table every night, don't watch a lot of TV, own a nice little house, and she will have all the tools to be a happy, well adjusted person.

The system is a joke.

I for one think it's time to eradicate the old notion that 'mothers are the best caretakers.'

I've watched over the years my brother's ex wife blatantly lie, provide poor parenting, and be nothing but a poor role model with their children. Yet she lies to the mediator, and because no one thing can be proved that she's done that makes her unfit, repeatedly she's given more money, more custody, more weight in what should be happening to those kids. Over 10+ years, where has this gotten them? Those kids are failing school. Been caught doing drugs. Have no supervision... while my brothers kids from his second marriage all seem to be doing just fine. Probably because he and his second wife monitor and love their kids. They both would have liked to have custody of his kids from his prior marriage, but his ex has blocked him successfully every time. And there's enough distance between them that his visitations haven never been that frequent. Coupled with the fact she'd refuse to meet him part way and often at the last minute denied him his visits, or would call and change the date to suit her needs (ie, she had plans with someone else, can you please get YOUR kids.)

The whole court system, and what he's gone through, makes me sick. It disturbs me how many times it has utterly failed him - and those kids. The mediation sessions he's had to go through in the last few years over issues are an absolute joke. Despite the accumulation of evidence that the kids are not in a good home, almost all rights remain the mothers. Keep in mind, the father is a successful businessman (as is his new wife.) I can't imagine what he's going through - it's painful to even talk about it. Their mother could care less about supervising them, they've always done pretty much whatever they want to do, unless she's bringing over a boyfriend that she wants to impress. The kids have no respect for adults or authority, have little understanding of rules, both have had run ins with the law and drug use, and both are heading full tilt towards being... big fat zeros in life. They don't even know it, or see it. And sadly, they've HAD opportunity. It's not like they're impoverished. Especially if they'd been with their dad. Their mom could give a damn about them, but that's not the face she'd put on in court.

Time for some change! Mothers can be just as unfit. The court system needs to be truly neutral and look out for the best interest of the children, not follow the same ol' routine and assume the mother is always right.

As the new wife of a divorced dad and having many friends who have been through a divorce, it seems to me that the fathers are guilty until proven innocent - that mothers are given every opporunity and fathers have to fight for every little bit in family court issues. Almost every divorced man I know has been (falsely) accused of abuse and has had temporary restraining orders issues ordered against them upon separation from their wives. In the state of Washington, custody preference is given to the mother and unless you can prove her unfit - either severely ab usive or a drug user, the father is SOL. My husbands children have suffered severe emotional and some physical abuse from their mother, she has tried to turn them against their father at every opportunity; but since she was originally given custody it is virtually impossible to remove them from her household - it is little wonder to me why these fathers snap - in fact, I'm suprised we don't here of more of these cases. The entire system needs to be revamped to put the children first. The children should be given a say in where they want to live. Both parent should undergo psychological evaluations, counseling and be required to attend parenting classes that explain the effects their behavior on their children. Some mothers just don't care and are selfish, using the children as pawns to give them some power over their ex - these people are pathetic, these children have feelings, are not stupid and will someday figure out what their mother has done to them and will resent her for it. I have no doubt that she will then wonder why her kids feel the way they do, and blame the father.

I have not seen my children (ages 12, 11, and 8) in nearly FIVE YEARS, despite the fact that the court(s) awarded me "joint custody" at our divorce hearing. I am now terminally ill, living on disability, and paying nearly 50% of my monthly benefits in child support. My ex-wife refuses to allow me to even speak to my children, much less have any sort of visitation. When I protest, she usually replies "so go get a f--king lawyer" knowing full well I do not possess the resources to fight her in court. My ex-wife's mother is an official with Georgia Child Support Enforcement, and seems to make the impossible quite possible in the interest of my ex-wife. Non-custodial fathers everywhere, I feel your pain!

if you can PROVE that the stratagy is to financially break the other, the vindictive one will be handed the bill by the courts, its laws that you cant cause expenses just for the sole purpose of financilly breaking the other into giving up. i taped a phone convo with my x when she said she was going to ask judge to order all kinds of stuff and she was going to fight me in court just to cause me alot of financial debt so i would give up....she even had to pay my lawyer bill. when you ask the courts to settle it you gave them the right to order studies at your expense. and even though they may have favored the father, they didnt reveal that the mother was bad. and if they did prove the mother was bad, now you are evenly matched as her having possesion is a point you cant have. with the bad mother reveiw , your points are even, and no judge will uproot a child for even fight. there are ten points to compare parents care for a child, and once she gets custody(even temporary custody) she will always have that point over you and you will have to prove two points better for you in order to be ahead a point and get awarded custody. such as neglet and drug use. and i said prove that in a court of law, if your filing was for two points and one point isnt proven ,the whole thing gets thrown out so make sure you can prove ALL alogations

you will do better to win out of court, break her spirit and cause her to abbandond her children, thats what is going on with fathers, being told they wont win, oppresses them right from the start and they end up crawling away. sorry you feel that way about your dad seti, but do you know his side of the story and all that he was going through at the time? thats what this discusion is all about, he had no chance/choice but to go away beaten down. it's sad. stay strong fathers.
think it is federal level that support is 28.8% of your income with her income factored in to lessen the amount.

My fiance is in the Marine Corps, as an Infantryman.. What with todays on going war, he's constantly doing fied training, hardly able to take leave. His ex couldnt handle the role of a military wife, therefore cheated, left the state and now lives off her parents and him... He pays well over $600 a month for child support-yet she NEVER sends him pictures of his son to keep him updated.. She wont inform him of anything when it comes to his son's schooling... and only until recently limited his phone calls with his own son... The topping on the cake is that after serving SEVEN MONTHS in Iraq, he goes to visit his son... and is treated as if he's going to kidnap his son.. when she had NO RIGHT to treat him that way... Many women, abuse the system.. Alot of women see the parent role become the "monetary opportunity" they need to do less, yet demand for more.. and at the same time... they abuse their role as a mother and play the high hand game by making themselves the puppet masters without even thinking of the consequences of their actions and how this affects the children...
This system... affects SO MANY men in the military.. its so terrible... believe me when I say... alot of military ex-wives... are exes for a reason... yet the know the miltary system... know the judicial system... and DEFINTELY take advantage of it.

My fiance is in the Marine Corps, as an Infantryman.. What with todays on going war, he's constantly doing fied training, hardly able to take leave. His ex couldnt handle the role of a military wife, therefore cheated, left the state and now lives off her parents and him... He pays well over $600 a month for child support-yet she NEVER sends him pictures of his son to keep him updated.. She wont inform him of anything when it comes to his son's schooling... and only until recently limited his phone calls with his own son... The topping on the cake is that after serving SEVEN MONTHS in Iraq, he goes to visit his son... and is treated as if he's going to kidnap his son.. when she had NO RIGHT to treat him that way... Many women, abuse the system.. Alot of women see the parent role become the "monetary opportunity" they need to do less, yet demand for more.. and at the same time... they abuse their role as a mother and play the high hand game by making themselves the puppet masters without even thinking of the consequences of their actions and how this affects the children...
This system... affects SO MANY men in the military.. its so terrible... believe me when I say... alot of military ex-wives... are exes for a reason... yet the know the miltary system... know the judicial system... and DEFINTELY take advantage of it.

I wholeheartedly agree that the family court system and custody is out of alignment with today's realities. I am a single father of two children, now teenagers and was faced with the horror of returning home to find my children kidnapped by their mother with no idea of their whereabouts. The police won't help, wouldn't even enter the children in a national database despite being legally required to do so, This was even after my attorney sent a letter to the chief of police demanding his cooperation. After two weeks we were able to track down the mother and have the kids returned to my custody. She went to womens shelter and was immediately believed and supported in her claims of abuse. While I paid thousands of dollars to defend myself and the right to raise my children, she received free services supported by my taxes. She even ran away from the shelter for weeks and still had the gumption to file for custody. Despite having a history of disappearance, parental kidnapping and no job, the court would have awarded her custody had I not had the ability to hire an exception attorney who took a great personal interest in the case,

I wholeheartedly agree that the family court system and custody is out of alignment with today's realities. I am a single father of two children, now teenagers and was faced with the horror of returning home to find my children kidnapped by their mother with no idea of their whereabouts. The police won't help, wouldn't even enter the children in a national database despite being legally required to do so, This was even after my attorney sent a letter to the chief of police demanding his cooperation. After two weeks we were able to track down the mother and have the kids returned to my custody. She went to womens shelter and was immediately believed and supported in her claims of abuse. While I paid thousands of dollars to defend myself and the right to raise my children, she received free services supported by my taxes. She even ran away from the shelter for weeks and still had the gumption to file for custody. Despite having a history of disappearance, parental kidnapping and no job, the court would have awarded her custody had I not had the ability to hire an exception attorney who took a great personal interest in the case,

I wholeheartedly agree that the family court system and custody is out of alignment with today's realities. I am a single father of two children, now teenagers and was faced with the horror of returning home to find my children kidnapped by their mother with no idea of their whereabouts. The police won't help, wouldn't even enter the children in a national database despite being legally required to do so, This was even after my attorney sent a letter to the chief of police demanding his cooperation. After two weeks we were able to track down the mother and have the kids returned to my custody. She went to womens shelter and was immediately believed and supported in her claims of abuse. While I paid thousands of dollars to defend myself and the right to raise my children, she received free services supported by my taxes. She even ran away from the shelter for weeks and still had the gumption to file for custody. Despite having a history of disappearance, parental kidnapping and no job, the court would have awarded her custody had I not had the ability to hire an exception attorney who took a great personal interest in the case,

At 17 I fathered two children out-of-wedlock. Not the most mature decision, I know. I waited until I was married to have my third child. And now divorced from my wife I raise two of my girls on my own with no child-support and no help from the system. Good fathers are out there. So are bad ones. But the system is definitely geared against fathers like me. I've overcome a lot of obsticles that would have made many give up a long time ago. Even now after years of raising my kids on my own I'm regarded with suspicion & disdain by doctors' offices and school districts who just can't understand that a man can raise his children on his own.

For every father who actually wants his children after a divorce, there nine who don't. After my parents divorce, my father just walked away.Never visited, even when my mother had us ready for him to take us. Didn't pay child support, even when we'd call and tell him that we were hungry. My father would have taken us for one reason and one reason only: to get out of paying child support, since now the state will go after you. I realize that that was my experienced, but my family is loaded with irresposnble fathers. I can only imagine what our mothers were thinking when they chose these men.

Its not so much the laws that need to change but the system. I lost custody because my ex waged legal warfare against me and despite four court ordered psychologocal and custody evaluations over the last eight years, all which favored the father, and a GAL who has been involved intimately for the same eight years who has adamently professed sole custody for the father, the judge has ruled the other way. I have even been ordered to pick up the entire tab for both sides each time, now to the tune of over $300,000. How can a judge who orders all these evaluations ignore them and also the GAL? My story reads like a book and has already caught the attention of politicians in my state. I know I am not alone. I agree with Mrs. Lithwick our stories need to get out because the ultimate losers are the children of this country. The current system doesn't even have checks and balances. Maybe custody matters should be determined by an independent panel of experts that not only rule but assist the parents in co-parenting going forward.

after you cant prove other parent is bad and they cant prove you are bad....it comes down to possesion. possession is nine tenths of the law and children are assets of a relationship/marrage, so who ever has possession day of trial will be awarded custody, i got the house, the car, and the kid. its not that the courts are against fathers , but fathers dont know their rights and their lawyers will decide how to manipulate the father so that the lawyer's morals (lol) and what he believes is right, will be the out come. while fathers are working, bad mothers spend their time figuring out how to manipulate the system to their advantage, while they should be caring for the child and cleaning house. i agree, as it is the family court system is not the best for any child, but i dont have any suggestions. guess we will continue letting parents battle it out and hopfully good will win over evil. Fathers....stay strong for your children , you can win ,even with the current family courts system, you just need to learn how, fathers should educate themselves and stay strong. do you really believe she should be raising your child? the way she's doing it? starting point = findlaw.com godspeed fathers.

As a married woman of four children, this topic is disturbing...I know that many women take advantage of the courts by being the mother and punishing their ex with custody issues. My husband and I almost divorced once and we planned on shared custody where he was just as actively involved as possible...I think we need more role models like Bruce Willis and Demi Moore who show parents that putting the kids first isn't so bad and that a divorce is between a husband and wife not a father with his kids.

omg