But I Did Everything Right!

I have always said when complemented on how well behaved one of my children turned out...I honestly don't know how much I actually contributed because he came out this way. Very much his own person..and when he entered his teens which became troubled after the death of his father, some tried to blame his behavior on his peers but I know my son makes his own choices. The social issue becomes once we realize that our parenting doesn't really impact the overall outcome that we hoped. And that good and bad choices are made because the child has a mind of their own then we have to realize that perhaps our own parents did the best that they could with what they had to work with, a child with their own free will. This of course means we would have to accept responsibility for our own lives and if it hasn't turned out the way we wanted then perhaps we only have ourselves to blame.

I almost agreed with this article, but after reading the 6th paragraph decided it was a crock of baloney. I was that mellow baby with the sweet temperment and my sister was always the fussy one. Years later, I became the succesful college student in who already has an engineering job secured after college, and my sister graduated high school with no motivation for college or even a job, and has anti-social tendancies. My parents raised us the same way, (and did a great job!), and are incredibly confused as to what happened. (My sister and I are 2 years apart) But there were other social factors that affected our outlook and motivation for life.
Every child is different, no parent should simply categorize them the way this article does. Although there may be things that are out of your control, that doesn't mean it can be simply blamed on genetics. Most siblings start on a fairly even playing field, it's what happens socially, by parenting, family gatherings, school and church groups, etc. that builds their character.

I am very disappointed with this article. The major claims of the author are as follows: (a) all child psychologists believe that ???kids learn best when they are allowed to make mistakes and feel the consequences??? while totally ignoring the role of genetics in child development, and (b) genetics crucially determines ???why children turn out as they do???. Both these statements are highly disputable. Firstly, in contemporary child psychology, there are different schools of thought. Only one of these schools, constructivism, stresses the importance of children???s independent explorations for their development. But, another very powerful school of thought, nativism, stresses the major role of genotype in children???s development, in particular, in intellectual development. Secondly, and more importantly, the view of genotype as crucially determining the child???s developmental path, although supported by some influential psychologists, totally ignores the increasing pool of data that child development is vitally determined by the social environment. Yes, indeed, children???s temperaments, their speed of information processing, as well as some other aspects of their development are rooted in genotype. But, as early as in the 1930s, the famous psychologist A. Luria showed that specifically human higher level mental abilities (such as the use of mnemonics for memorization) are not determined by genes. Since then, psychologists have experimentally demonstrated how social influences (in particular, parenting and instruction) determine children???s development in each age period. For example, attachment (strong emotional bonds between infants and primary caregivers) has been shown both to be associated with parenting style and to predict later cognitive, social, and emotional development of the child. Adult mediation of children???s object-centered explorations during the second and third years of life has been proven to lead to the development of children???s language and symbolic thought. Helping children organize and enact their play during the period of early childhood has been shown to result in the development of their self-regulation, cognition, and social skills, which represent the major components of school readiness. It has been demonstrated that learning at school leads to the development of children???s formal-logical thought; what is important, a lack of schooling has been shown to result in serious deficiencies of formal-logical thought even in adults no matter what their genotypes were. Finally, it has turned out, that, in contrast with popular wisdom, even adolescents??? development (in particular, identity formation and the development of moral reasoning) is vitally determined by influences from significant adults. In light of these data, it is parents and teachers, not genetics, that crucially determine ???why children turn out as they do,??? no matter how comforting the opposite point of view may be for some parents and teachers.

Great article! It's just hilarious to me how we in the US seem to idolize "experts". We expect "experts" to give us the absolute truth, the facts, when truly there is no absolute to rely on. Not only this, but the scientist who are practicing all this science often have not had time to have their own families and children, yet they are "experts" by dint of academic research. I hope this is just one drop in a storm that brings us more clarity. May we finally see science as a very very clumsy way to get to the truth in complex relational biological systems, useful only in an extremely limited fashion. Please, may the "experts" stop imposing their way as the only way, and just let us use our own judgment and common sense again. It's happening everywhere, in healthcare, education, justice, even in parenting.

Great article! It's just hilarious to me how we in the US seem to idolize "experts". We expect "experts" to give us the absolute truth, the facts, when truly there is no absolute to rely on. Not only this, but the scientist who are practicing all this science often have not had time to have their own families and children, yet they are "experts" by dint of academic research. I hope this is just one drop in a storm that brings us more clarity. May we finally see science as a very very clumsy way to get to the truth in complex relational biological systems, useful only in an extremely limited fashion. Please, may the "experts" stop imposing their way as the only way, and just let us use our own judgment and common sense again. It's happening everywhere, in healthcare, education, justice, even in parenting.

Your article focused on the issues of parenting. I read the article from the perspective of an adult: An adult who just never seemed to learn from experiences. I have a history of high risk behavior, addiction, antisocial actions and just plain stupid behavior. And, by most folks criteria, I am a reasonably successful person.

Now I am what folks call a senior citizen looking back sadly on a life of regretful events. Yes, we are financially successful and comfortable, yet there are no stages of my life that are free of those regretful events.

Why did I not learn early, middle or late from my negative experiences? Is it possible that I am one of those children described in the article?

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A lot about this story confuses me, But the 30 percent figure doesn't surprise me at all. It's estimated that at least 10 percent and as many as 20 percent of adults in the U.S. have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. And they are plagued by the same challenges faced by the children you describe:

"DNA carry a glitch, one that leaves their brains with few dopamine receptors, molecules that act as docking ports for one of the neurochemicals that carry our thoughts and emotions. A paucity of dopamine receptors is linked to an inability to avoid self-destructive behavior such as illicit drug use. But the effects spill beyond such extremes. Children with the genetic variant are unable to learn from mistakes. No matter how many tests they blow by partying the night before, the lesson just doesn't sink in."

It doesn't take a Ph.D. to know that all children are born "differently wired" and that there is no one-size-fits-all advice. But some of these experts interviewed sure are loosy-goosy with their terms--sweet, mellow and fussy? What do those mean? Does Belsky mean, for example, a child who is so oblivious of his surroundings that his parents interpret this as mellow?

The problem with parenting advice for children with these challenges it that it seldom focuses on the parents themselves, such as screening the parents for these genetic conditions. ADHD is 76 percent heritable, which means these children aren't the only ones in their households who have difficulty with self-regulation and not learning from consequences.

Until we focus on helping these parents, the generational cycles of these disorders will continue, not only unabated but magnified over time, with nurture reinforcing nature.
There are many established experts in this field, experts who've recognized for decades that the parenting advice du jour just isn't going to work with children who have ADHD. It's about time that the "parenting experts" caught on instead of denying the reality of ADHD.

Now we can argue at the Dinner Table that is is "Your Genes, Not Mine." I still think that it does take a community effort to raise children that can be healthy and happy adults. I have seen mine do some really baffling stuff, but isn't that what growing up is about? Let them fall down, and be there to pick them up, to an extent. I still believe in consequences that are directed by the adults, who are responsible for drawing lines early as a team and sticking to them. I know that this is noyt PC, but I also don't believe that teaching a child to blame it on the genes is appropriate either.

I'm glad to hear parents reassured that, even if they try their best, it is NOT their fault if their children have a difficult adjustment in childhood and/or if their children grow up to be adults with social problems. However, I hope that this growing genetic knowledge will not be used to stereotype children or adults who may be discovered in genetic testing to have certain genetic "abnormalities." Everyone is an individual, and different individuals may adjust differently to the same genetic condition; some ultimately may thrive very well in life & in society, even if they have some occassional difficulties.

While "experts" may have their beliefs mixed up, I don't think that all of society really does. A lot of us have come to realize that the world isn't black and white - so to find some evidence in support of parenting being a grey area should be expected.

In any case, knowing whether your child is "teflon" coated can't lead to too many benefits. You'll now find parents who will use it as a crutch or decide that this is a good excuse for gene therapy...

People, it is time for you to realize that your children are individuals. As their own person, they should be given the chance to develop as a unique people. We do not need to form each person into a standard mold. We need to quit trying so hard to create, deliver, and raise 'perfect' children. Being a parent, and a child, is a unique growing experience for everybody who is involved. Heck, its even a growing experience becoming a grandparent... even when you've raised several children.

Finally, a lot of genetics are hereditary. Why would you hold something against your children that you found yourself doing time and again?

I sobbed after reading this article. We thought we did almost everything right, yet our 19-year old son has multiple drug and alcohol offenses. Not only have I looked back over our parenting with sadness and regret, but I worry how my future grandchildren will turn out. Thank you Sharon Begley for making me feel a little better today. Could you make this required reading of every teacher, psychologist, judge and neighbor?

The author is considers it shocking how resistant child development experts are to these developments in genetics. Could it be because they work with children and know first-hand just how important parenting is?

Comment: Thank you for this article. I have three sons all of which have grown up in the same home with the same parents and the same parenting. Our oldenst has been a "problem" for many years now, we tried witlderness therapy followed by residential treatment only to have him return and drop out of high school and be consumbed with drugs and alcholol. The other two are very different and I get so angry and hurt when I hear other adults say things like " what kind of parent did that child have" when ever they hear of a young person doing something wrong. This article helps me take away some of those "blame" feelings I have. Thanks

I am the mother of three boys, the oldest of which dropped out of high school,turning to drugs and alcohol. I struggle daily with " why" did we do something wrond as parents? We put him in rehab etc. but quickly went back to his old ways and worse. All three of my boys respond dirfferntly to our parenting and have grown into three differnt individuals. Thank you for your article as I sit and waite daily for the police cruiser to drive up or that dreaded phone call in the middle of the night, maybe it just isn't my fault.

Interesting article... I was severely neglected and abused as a child and I remember vividly thinking that I wanted more than the life I had and had no control over it. I could have gone into prostitution, drugs, etc, but I didn't... will power, genes? I don't know, I have two chldren now whom I adore and give so much love and attention, I don't know how to parent just the same as the next person, but I try to inform myself, be aware of what is happening around them, get to know their personalities and just do the opposite of what was done to me... I think... I know I am doing a good job, but parenting has soooo many ups and downs and at the end of the day, parents are people too, with their own demons and mistakes, so I work at it everyday and sometimes I lose it, sometimes I'm great. Genes probably do take part, but there are so many other factors involved.