Synchro for Dummies

I realize that I am funny to you. The fact that I spent more than 15 years donning sequined headpieces and swimsuits and forcing a smile while wearing noseclips and performing to the music of John Tesh means only one thing in the end: When you finish giggling, you will not be able to suppress the temptation to ask me about all of this alien behavior.

In this situation, there are dumb questions (oh, yes, even here), and there are smart ones. If you find yourself in the company of a former Aquanut, Sculpin, Synchrogator or Aquette while watching Olympic synchronized swimming, I want you to be prepared. Trust me. You will be able to mock with greater aplomb once you have the facts.

Herewith, two lists—questions dumb and smart—to enhance your snarking pleasure and guide you through the first major American network broadcast of synchronized swimming of these 2008 Olympic Games (which, of course, comes in the coveted 12:30-2 a.m. Pacific time slot tonight—Saturday morning, to be precise).

DUMB QUESTIONS
1. Is this a sport?
Compared to what, sailing? Diving? Golf? (Yes, not currently an Olympic event, but petitioning to get in!) Synchronized swimming combines expression with precision, and is one of the most difficult activities known to the human body. It is comparable to gymnastics. It is not remotely comparable to rhythmic gymnastics.

2. Why is there a solo event if it's "synchronized" swimming?
Ah, yes. You feel clever, right? Please consider that a person can be synchronized with a piece of music before you speak of this commonly posed "mind bender."

3. How long can you hold your breath?
Oh, who knows. If I were on a spy mission that required me to swim underwater in order to save the world, I suppose I'd find out exactly how long I can hold my breath. Until then, the basic answer is, "A lot longer than you, and I'm doing gymnastics and supporting myself in 12 feet of water while I'm holding it."