The (Play) Dating Game
Our culture of fear means that we can no longer count on spontaneity to bring children together.
I thought I had it made by marrying my first boyfriend. I never had to worry about prom dates, breakups, make-ups or any of that typical adolescent angst. Most of all, I didn't have to worry about playing the dating game. But then I had kids and realized there's another kind of dating game for parents— one that sneaks up on you with its cute moniker and then viciously rips your heart out: playdating.
My first attempts at playdating began when my kids were in diapers. I went to the park with a bag full of Goldfish crackers and plunked my kids in the sandbox. I'd make light conversation with unnamed mothers and hope to feel a sense of kinship, even though I might never see them again. My children were not particular about their companions, and were content to be with whoever had the best shovel and pail.
But I wasn't good at "flirting" with the other mommies, winning them over with witty banter or interesting stories. Quiet and introverted, I felt like a tag-along. To make things worse, I was often out of my league when conversations turned to second pregnancies, issues of labor and delivery, and breast-feeding because my children were adopted.
When my oldest child entered preschool, another social opportunity arose. Almost immediately I was invited on playdates. The experience was awkward. I would arrive at a stranger's house, or she would come to mine, and we would sit together and make stilted conversation while our children entertained themselves with whatever toys we made available. After a few hours, we would separate. I was always left with an empty feeling, and a burning desire to ask: "Did you like me? Do you want to go out again?" Playdates in preschool were more about parent compatibility than anything else. If we didn't get a second invitation to play, I felt like I had been dumped.
But I persevered. By the time my son was in kindergarten, I was making phone calls and attempting to pencil things in on the calendar. Nonetheless, calls to our house were few and far between. I wondered if my son's empty social calendar was my fault: Were the other mothers rejecting me? Or were the other children rejecting my son? I made a few calls, but people always seemed to be busy with skating lessons, soccer practice, karate.
Past generations had the luxury of taking the essential childhood experience of playing for granted. When I was growing up, the streets filled with kids riding bikes, playing "graveyard tag" in the twilight hours, and just bopping around from one house to another. On a snow day, kids would convene in my backyard where my dad maintained a toboggan run, complete with benches, jumps and my mother's never-ending supply of cocoa. In the summer, hordes of children gathered for spontaneous water-balloon battles. There was no such thing as a playdate.
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Member Comments
Posted By: geashlin @ 09/30/2008 9:58:41 AM
Comment: I am against playdates. We as parents have to set the standards for or kids and for other parents. Many adults feel the same way. Kids, don't play together anymore, when I was "younger..." The real issue is fear and since we are afraid that something may happen to our kids we keep them in making it more dangerous for the few kids that are out. Their numbers are in the sigle digits making them easier pray for the would be interloper. It's our duty not to rob our kids of the simplest of lifes pleasures...discovery. We are becoming a culture of introverts, HELP!
Posted By: MaurasMom @ 09/06/2008 2:12:08 PM
Comment: Bravo Ms. Augusto!
Playdates are women's high school cliques in disguise! I live in a burb where there are NEW homes and OLD homes. A parent need only ask "where do you live?" and there is the first prerequisite of being on the INside. Kids want to play with each other and mother's at the school functions redirect them to the people they perceive to be in the same social status. If you have an IN such as being on the school board or run a business in town, you have the luxury of choosing from a myriad of children to play with your own. Your social calander is full. When our school boundaries changed, for sale signs were a dime a dozen, scrabbling to have their kids in the NEW school. Forclosure on a NEW home (plenty are happening in MN) is social suicide for the adults and the kids. My husband and I chose to invest in a child, we did an international adoption but as a result naively moved into the OLD part of the burb. Our home is 2700 square feet of 1980 bliss! After realizing my children are being passed up because of our address, watching soccer moms talking together, having mass garage sales and redirecting their children to the children of parents that they feel would be nice to have a network connection to, I was agaust. I felt like I must have missed the social connection bus in high school. Once I realize though that those groups of women function exactly like the cliques in high school, including the powerful queen bee and the threat of rejection at every social faux pas, I have since breathed a sigh of relieve. The children in our neighborhood are passed up for playdates and instead, the parents have an old fashioned neighborhood where we are all watching and the kids play hide and seek, use flashlights as a group to go from one home to another and jump up and down when its time to "go out and play" We are mostly stay at home moms and although we don't necessarily have the correct jeans or the kids dressed in gymboree from head to toe, we are happy! Thanks Kerri, great article! Katy from Mn
Posted By: Chachie @ 09/06/2008 1:03:41 PM
Comment: When I first encountered the term "PLAY DATE" in a novel I was reading . . . . I caught myself thinking. . . . "what's that erm mean?" . . . , since I too had never heard of the term PLAY DATE before.
After reading the article in this week's Newsweek, I too could relate as I had a similar childhood experience of just PLAYING whenever and whereever. When I was a kid, my playtime was very similar to how Ms. Augusto describes her childhood play experiences in her article . . not scheduled PLAYTIME with anyone in particular nor at any specific place and time.
Play was just that. . Spontaneous FUN activity. . with others present or alone. It was unstructured time to just be yourself, be inventive and basically just use your imagination to it's fullest extend.
I love the adage. . "PLAY IS THE WORK OF CHILDREN". . . as such. . this article does explain to me now why our youth cannot think nor use their minds for more imaginative opportunities than structured actitivies.
As a parent, I allowed my kids to have that spontaneous opportunity to PLAY, either in the home or outside in the yard with neighborhood children. And,. . as my children got a bit older . If my child asked to play at the home of another child from their school, who perhaps lived in a neighborhood close-by, it would be my son or daughter who would set up and arrange the meeting for playtime. . .not me!
I imagine it's different in various parts of the country. If you lived in New York City. .which I think is where the term PLAY DATE originated, then you would have to schedule playtimes for your children around your busy lives and schedules.
Living in the MIDWEST, many parents here still adhere to and refer to their children's PLAYTIME as how we experienced it being in our own childhood memories. . . . .SPONTANEOUS AND FREE!!
THE (PLAY) DATING GAME article in which Kerri Augusto describes a play date just shows how structured our lives have become when we even have to pencil in the time when our kids can just do what they are supposed to do naturally . . .find new friends, play whenever possible and most of all have FUN!