MY TURN

The (Play) Dating Game

Our culture of fear means that we can no longer count on spontaneity to bring children together.

By Kerri Augusto | NEWSWEEK

Published Aug 30, 2008

From the magazine issue dated Sep 8, 2008

« Return to Article

Discuss

Posted By: geashlin @ 09/30/2008 9:58:41 AM

Comment: I am against playdates. We as parents have to set the standards for or kids and for other parents. Many adults feel the same way. Kids, don't play together anymore, when I was "younger..." The real issue is fear and since we are afraid that something may happen to our kids we keep them in making it more dangerous for the few kids that are out. Their numbers are in the sigle digits making them easier pray for the would be interloper. It's our duty not to rob our kids of the simplest of lifes pleasures...discovery. We are becoming a culture of introverts, HELP!
Posted By: MaurasMom @ 09/06/2008 2:12:08 PM

Comment: Bravo Ms. Augusto!
Playdates are women's high school cliques in disguise! I live in a burb where there are NEW homes and OLD homes. A parent need only ask "where do you live?" and there is the first prerequisite of being on the INside. Kids want to play with each other and mother's at the school functions redirect them to the people they perceive to be in the same social status. If you have an IN such as being on the school board or run a business in town, you have the luxury of choosing from a myriad of children to play with your own. Your social calander is full. When our school boundaries changed, for sale signs were a dime a dozen, scrabbling to have their kids in the NEW school. Forclosure on a NEW home (plenty are happening in MN) is social suicide for the adults and the kids. My husband and I chose to invest in a child, we did an international adoption but as a result naively moved into the OLD part of the burb. Our home is 2700 square feet of 1980 bliss! After realizing my children are being passed up because of our address, watching soccer moms talking together, having mass garage sales and redirecting their children to the children of parents that they feel would be nice to have a network connection to, I was agaust. I felt like I must have missed the social connection bus in high school. Once I realize though that those groups of women function exactly like the cliques in high school, including the powerful queen bee and the threat of rejection at every social faux pas, I have since breathed a sigh of relieve. The children in our neighborhood are passed up for playdates and instead, the parents have an old fashioned neighborhood where we are all watching and the kids play hide and seek, use flashlights as a group to go from one home to another and jump up and down when its time to "go out and play" We are mostly stay at home moms and although we don't necessarily have the correct jeans or the kids dressed in gymboree from head to toe, we are happy! Thanks Kerri, great article! Katy from Mn
Posted By: Chachie @ 09/06/2008 1:03:41 PM

Comment: When I first encountered the term "PLAY DATE" in a novel I was reading . . . . I caught myself thinking. . . . "what's that erm mean?" . . . , since I too had never heard of the term PLAY DATE before.

After reading the article in this week's Newsweek, I too could relate as I had a similar childhood experience of just PLAYING whenever and whereever. When I was a kid, my playtime was very similar to how Ms. Augusto describes her childhood play experiences in her article . . not scheduled PLAYTIME with anyone in particular nor at any specific place and time.
Play was just that. . Spontaneous FUN activity. . with others present or alone. It was unstructured time to just be yourself, be inventive and basically just use your imagination to it's fullest extend.
I love the adage. . "PLAY IS THE WORK OF CHILDREN". . . as such. . this article does explain to me now why our youth cannot think nor use their minds for more imaginative opportunities than structured actitivies.
As a parent, I allowed my kids to have that spontaneous opportunity to PLAY, either in the home or outside in the yard with neighborhood children. And,. . as my children got a bit older . If my child asked to play at the home of another child from their school, who perhaps lived in a neighborhood close-by, it would be my son or daughter who would set up and arrange the meeting for playtime. . .not me!

I imagine it's different in various parts of the country. If you lived in New York City. .which I think is where the term PLAY DATE originated, then you would have to schedule playtimes for your children around your busy lives and schedules.
Living in the MIDWEST, many parents here still adhere to and refer to their children's PLAYTIME as how we experienced it being in our own childhood memories. . . . .SPONTANEOUS AND FREE!!
THE (PLAY) DATING GAME article in which Kerri Augusto describes a play date just shows how structured our lives have become when we even have to pencil in the time when our kids can just do what they are supposed to do naturally . . .find new friends, play whenever possible and most of all have FUN!
Posted By: Mary Helen Organ @ 09/04/2008 11:02:26 AM

Comment: I just read the above-mentioned article written by Kerri Augusto. I couldn't help but identify with her, even though our issues were somewhat different. I was 38 when I had my daughter, so going to the park was no picnic. (Excuse the pun.) The other mothers were younger and my attempts to converse with them were largely ignored. Trying to set up playdates, I experienced the same difficulties. In my day, we just went over to someone's house and rang the doorbell. I, too, grew up during the time when kids roamed the neighborhood or town for hours at a time and parents didn't worry about them. I hate that my child can't experience that. She's 12 and I still worry about her walking to the bus stop by herself.

If you could pass this on to Ms. Augusto, I would appreciate it. Thank you.

Mary Helen Organ
Raleigh, NC
Posted By: kfinnerty @ 09/03/2008 10:24:53 PM

Comment: tt
Posted By: StarBus @ 09/03/2008 11:28:59 AM

Comment: 03-Sep-2008, From Ellery Davies ... < Ellery (at) starbus (dot) com >

Some of the authors concerns speak more about her own insecurities than they do about the very real changes in our society. When parents fail to call her to arrange play dates with her child, she frets that they may be rejecting her own friendship and social skills rather than her child.

But I agree with the writer's premise. As the father of a 7 year old girl, I have long been concerned about a profound change in parenting over the past decade. My neighbors and school administrators seem comfortable with a regime of over scripting, constant (and counterproductive) supervision and especially over protection.

Society has begun to remove so many obstacles and dangers for children and young adults, that we have come to choreograph their days and evenings. When I was 8 and 9 years old, I sometimes took an elevated train to Chicago from my suburb 20 miles away - to check on my grandmother. On snowy winter days, I would purchase groceries and bring them up to her 8th floor apartment. As long as I got out of the neighborhood before dark, my parents were comfortable with my unaccompanied travel on a commuter train into a big city.

I fully agree with the following statements from Ms. Augusto. Yet I cannot explain in a public forum how I avoid these problems. If I did so here, it would very likely lead to my being investigated for irresponsible parenting:

"Parents can no longer count on the spontaneity and
curiosity of childhood to bring children together
for social interaction. Instead, we schedule them
in sports and dance and after-school programs where
other adults set limits and structure the time."

"No one I know allows her young child to explore the
woods, wander local neighborhoods or ride a bike
across town"

and
"We have come to accept that it is our job to keep our
children from harm at the expense of everything else.
Posted By: Fallenwish43 @ 09/02/2008 11:48:39 AM

Comment: I don't think I'm going to parent this way. My life is complicated enough as it is - I don't need to pander to other moms or make nice with them just because our kids play together. How about going to the playground with a good book or your favorite music? But I agree that we have changed so much over the years and that self-play outside is almost unheard of nowadays. What a a shame. I loved playing outside my house!