The Power Of ‘I Am Sorry’

It would be wonderful if folks could forgive without someone else saying sorry. Lack of forgiveness and holdingonto grudges hurt us as much as they hurt others. We create much of our own pain in this way. An interesting read for those struggling with this and wanting peace in their lives is: Loving What Is by Byron Katie.

Wow. This is absolutely beautiful. My family is not a silent one, but we do hold grudges. I still have not yet forgiven my father for his abuse of my mother, and he still has not apologized. This affects every aspect of our father-daughter relationship. If he would just apologize, which seems to be an insurmountable task for him, I would forgive him for ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING and build a real relationship with him.

Comment from DKN to:

Dear Mrs Janice W.,

The opening paragraph of your article gave reader a feeling that your parents are the ones who started the cold war in your family:
" ... series of family difficulties culminating in an angry phone conversation with my mother in 1988..."
After reading the whole story, as a serious reader, I keep asking myself that your mother had terminate disease, you should say " I am Sorry " to your Mom in the first place, in 12 years ago !!!
Your father was not in any part of the angry phone conversation between his wife and his daughter, but he did say " I am sorry" .
You should be happy because you are no longer an orphan and because you had a wonderful and generous father.
Unfortunately at the present time your parents could not have any feeling of being kissed on their headstone !

The lesson that I have learned from your story:
- Life is short, if you really LOVE and CARE for someones, LET'S DO IT NOW before it's too late !
Thank you for sharing your experiences in life.

DKN

I give a lot of credit to Janice, who did something that is difficult. She accepted an apology. I wish I could do the same, but right now the wound I have is so deep, that nothing could stop it from bleeding. My father, a very difficult man to understand and especially to love, refused to dance with me at my wedding last October, 27, 2007. Since my engagement in the summer of 2006, all my father could talk about was this one dance and how excited he was to waltz with me. As a child at my bat mitzvah, I was too embarrassed to dance with my father, and till last fall, I always regretting not dancing with him. I had hopes that this one dance on my wedding day would make it up to him. The week before my wedding, my father came to my last wedding dance lesson to rehearse with me. We were all set. We were to dance to 'Michelle' by the Beatles, a song that he always sang to me as a little girl, and every time I hear it, reminds me of him. When the time came during my reception, the band began to play our song, and my father was nowhere to be found. My uncle found my father sitting in the lobby of the mansion where I was married, and asked him to go inside. My father refused. I left the ballroom in search of my dad after standing in the middle of the dance floor waiting for him, and my mom and uncle pulled me back, trying to prevent me from leaving. They were trying to protect me. When I saw my dad in the lobby I asked him why he was sitting here, and if he was ready for our dance. He said he wasn???t going to dance with me, and that my new husband George should. I started to cry, and my husband of 2 hours begged him to dance with me. My father refused again in anger. At that point, my mother asked my father to leave, and my father was escorted off the premises by a private duty security guard I hired. My parents had been separated for some time, and my father tends to drink too much and be rather caustic at family gatherings, so to be on the safe side, I hired a security guard to flank my father throughout the evening. I cannot tell you how much this one event changed my life. The happiest day of my life, is now my most tragic as well. I haven't spoken to my father in almost a year, even though he tries to inflict constant pain on me by sending me scathing letters about how I am a terrible person, my wedding was awful, and that I am a bad daughter by not letting him come house hunting with me a year before I even got married. Last month, he sent over 8 boxes of "my belongings" which turned out to be boxes containing every gift I ever gave the man. This included gifts from grade school (pasta necklaces, cards and drawings), books, DVDs, etc. He also gave me back the photos he had of me in frames at his home. As if he was erasing me from all existence. Maybe one day, I will be able to forgive my father. For now, I have to stand in awe as others yield the power to forgive, while I suffer in silence.

The eldest of 10 children in a mixed family of Smiths and Wrights, another sister and I were blackballed by half sisters because we "ratted out our stepfather" and admitted that he had sexually abused us as children. Skip forward 50 years later; both mother and stepfather are dead and there is still no reconcilliation between the eldest Wright sister, 5 of the 10 original family is dead and it seems it is only I that carries the loss of the family every day. I miss my sisters and brothers who have been battling the hurricanes down South but whose vanity do not allow them to call and tell me they are still okay. I've made efforts to come see one of the sisters in La and she made excuses as to why 'it's not a good time for you to come by". (The reason was that the other sister was running away from Hurricane Rita at the time and was staying with her.) How can I mend my family ? What can I do to get them to understand that I love them and miss them and want a loving relationship with them before I die? I am successful and happily married in Maryland but it might as well be a foreign country since I haven't had any of them visit me or send me a card in over 20 years yet I still send their birthday cards every year in time for their birthdays. (Being the oldest, I can never forget--why does it seem so easy for them?)
Your article struck such a vibrant nerve in my being as I still live in the lost land of grudges started by my mother who seemed angry all her life at the fact that she had had 15 pregnancies and never really had a life. When she died, I was not even given the courtesey to know she was sick and in the hospital. When my youngest full sister died of cancer, I was not allowed to speak with her when I called to say Happy Birthday in February and when she died that April those vengeful sisters weren't even going to call me to let me know she had passed. (Only my youngest half brother called me "even though they told me not to"--now he is dead also.) There are only 5 of us left; must I relegate myself to being an orphan even though I truly have the feeling that I have a family who has decided I am not theirs any longer because OUR mother has been dead 11 years now? Any ideas how I can pull the family back together would be greatly appreciated.

Made me cry

Made me cry

This is a nice story but from the comments below you can see that no all family relationships will end so nicely. I'm estranged from my father and he will go to this grave before he says he is sorry, so I do not have any type of communication with him. I firmly believe that by not having a relationship with my abusive father, that I saved my sanity. I had a therapist advise me that if I keep going back over and over trying to get approval from my father and I never get it then it resonsibility falls into my hands. I had to quit going to a person for approval that would never ever give it to me.

I can't TELL you how touched I was by this story. It's a reminder about how we should let go of past "hurts"....start "fresh", and make the best of the rest of our lives with our existing families. Thanks for publishing this heart-warming story. Dolores Melahn

To MontcoPA. No one would blame you for not having a relationship with your family. I would think that no amount of them saying "I'm sorry" (if they ever even did) would make things right. I was lucky to not have been molested, though I know a number of people who have, I could never feel your pain. I can only empathize and you have my full empathy and know that even though I don't know you, I care that this happened to you and to anyone else who has been through it. You deserved better as a child. I am sorry your parents let you down. It disgusts me the way some children are treated by their parents. I hope if you choose to have kids (if you don't already) you cherish them and protect them. I admire your strength to get through this. I don't think your parents deserve you or your brother.

I think that it's very important for people to say they are sorry. Especially family. Some people just think that because you are related you will put up with being treated horribly, and that's a stupid excuse. I am happy for the author, but I wonder what would have happened if her father hadn't apologized? And if he did it becuase he was really sorry, or if he was just scared of losing his life around him? I have never understood people who are sorry but wait forever to say it. Take the first step - it could have been only 3 months instead of 12 years!!!

You are lucky that you are unable to imagine not having a relationship with your parents. I would love to have that type of security in my relationship with my own family. I was molested from the ages of 7 to 17 almost every weekend. Many of the occasions happened in front of my family. On top of the continual sexual abuse, there was physical and mental abuse as well. My family also suffers from alcohol and drug addictions (all brought on after I started being abused). I generally don't feel a responsibility towards maintaining a relationship with anyone in the family. My brother feels that responsibility, but only allows our parents to watch his dog, not his children.