Struggling School-Age Boys

I agree with the article but also wholeheartedly agree with m. arnold who believes there is a strong gender bias against boys in the elementary public school system. Having raised both a boy and a girl, [teenagers now,] I can tell you many 'natural instincts' for boys--roughhousing, playing with sticks, cap guns, wrestling and even testing their limits through occasional schoolyard fights--is either greatly discouraged or against some regulation or law. I certainly don't advocate uncontrolled violence in the public schools but the overwhelming majority of elementary school teachers--at least here in Colorad--are women who expect boys and girls to behave exactly alike, never getting into trouble or acting out or even talking loud. I'm 45 and when I was a 15 year old could take my BB gun or .22 rifle almost anywhere, ride my dirtbike alone, carry a knife routinely, and, yes, occasionally get into scrapes with other boys my same age--it seemed all part of growing up. Now, even taking an asthma inhaler to school with get you suspended--let alone carrying a small pocket knife or, god forbid, even talking about hunting or firing a weapon. In summary, I think it has a lot to do with educators and social engineers cooking a lot of stuff on paper that doesn't necessarily work in the real world. And how many times have we seen that?

As a mom of a boy and a certified teacher, I believe our schools are not geared to teach boys the way that they were meant to learn. Our schools are geared toward girls. We need more teachers who understand how boys think and learn and change the classroom accordingly. The school I used to teach at has even seperated the girls and boys in middles school and it has done wonders for both genders.

I am a parent of a 13 year old boy who, due to behaving like a normal boy his age (per a psychologist) he was suspended from school last year 7 times. I understand the "zero tolerance" policies that have been created at our schools based on the horrible actions of the select few and the legal ramifications the schools are afraid it will reign down on them, but there is truth in the statement "boys will be boys." And things my son has been sent home for are things that we would have, at the very worst, been sent to the Principal's office for in my day. These boys are raging hormones, and doing their typical cocking up around the other boys (and the pretty girls) and are being punished for doing what comes naturally. What is UNnatural is having to behave like mini-adults for 8 hours a day. They are not emotionally developed to behave like adults. Nor are they physically developed to behave like adults. So how can we expect that of them! And then the schools treat it like your child is some criminal (and 95% of what my son was sent home for was for retaliating to being bullied) and you are a horrible parent. This article made me realize that I'm not alone in my battle out there. My son, per a psychologist, does NOT need therapy and yet I'm assured there will be more issues with the school this year as my son was already followed home yesterday by a bully who wanted to fight him. When I was 13 that was just part of the developmental process. Now it's a crime, or the kids need drugs or therapy. When did our schools and teachers and society forget what it was like to be 13?

Society has changed its perspective on school. All one needs to do is to sit in on the college courses training our teachers. Collaberative education involving expressing one's feelings are stressed. Competition is frowned upon because it might hurt the self esteem of the students. OUr boys want action driven learning but we have imposed "The View" feminized education approach on them. The average teachers today is not open to "boy" focused learning. Maybe it is time to realize that we have put so much emphasis on making school female friendly that in the process we have erected barriers that our sons must overcome.

i tend to very much dissagree with your statment nylady01 because i thingk you are not following what is being said about boys and disabilities. the "fact" of the matter is that boys are having problems growing up in this day and age because of mental breakdowns lead from illnesses and sometimes the way we are brought up. i knowtist that you mentioned in your neiborhood u don't see much work being done outside by the male community, may i ask do you have any boys of your own? do you know the whole story beind the marks u give boys, because the marks u give females, not to say it's wrong, is very overwhelming.what mandy82johnson has to say is much more on the ball what message is triing to be said here, not to just down boys.

For those discerning individuals who recognize this as a real societal problem, I suggest reading Dr. Leonard Sax's "Boys Adrift". Whether the reader agrees with all the Dr.'s diagnoses or not, He definately elevates our understanding of the problem with boys. I regard this book a must read for those who care about this very real issue.

the study should take a look at how many of those boys are being raised without their fathers. next the study should look at how many fathers actually want to share in raising their boys, but are prevented by the state family courts. with some intellectual integrity the solution will be easy to determine.

I am a parent of a 13 year old boy who, due to behaving like a normal boy his age (per a psychologist) he was suspended from school last year 7 times. I understand the "zero tolerance" policies that have been created at our schools based on the horrible actions of the select few and the legal ramifications the schools are afraid it will reign down on them, but there is truth in the statement "boys will be boys." And things my son has been sent home for are things that we would have, at the very worst, been sent to the Principal's office for in my day. These boys are raging hormones, and doing their typical cocking up around the other boys (and the pretty girls) and are being punished for doing what comes naturally. What is UNnatural is having to behave like mini-adults for 8 hours a day. They are not emotionally developed to behave like adults. Nor are they physically developed to behave like adults. So how can we expect that of them! And then the schools treat it like your child is some criminal (and 95% of what my son was sent home for was for retaliating to being bullied) and you are a horrible parent. This article made me realize that I'm not alone in my battle out there. My son, per a psychologist, does NOT need therapy and yet I'm assured there will be more issues with the school this year as my son was already followed home yesterday by a bully who wanted to fight him. When I was 13 that was just part of the developmental process. Now it's a crime, or the kids need drugs or therapy. When did our schools and teachers and society forget what it was like to be 13?

I totally agree. I am a school nurse and I try and encourage my teachers not to take recess away as a form of punishment. The students don't get enough time as it is to run off steam. They only get PE 2-3 days a week. So with such limited time to run off energy of course they can't sit still in class. This also leads into a whole nother problem of child hood obesity. If these kids aren't getting enough exercise they can't run off any energy and are being sedative so not running off any calories.

Good parenting isn't valued as highly as it used to be. This has been going on since I was younger. Children don't learn to be prudent, temperant, just and courageous in a vacuum. These values must be instilled in them. Boys need firm (but loving) guidance. Girls do, too, but are by nature (often, but not always) more docile and don't always exhibit the deleterious effects of lax guidance in the same ways that boys do.

I know my oldest son thrives in an environment of expectations, structure, etc. He is allowed freedom and autonomy, but provided with guidance with regard to exploring his freedom/autonomy. For example, as he has aged his responsibilities around the house have increased, but so have his freedoms. He has to show us he is responsible to gain trust. We don't just say "oh, you're X age, so you can do this".

Boys need loving structure--not strict rules and oppression, mind you--but they do need to know right and wrong. They need to know that making "fart noises" on their arms while the teacher is speaking is inappropriate and disrespectful. They need to understand there is a time for play and a time for work,

You can't medicate virtuous behavior into a boy--you can only instill it through being a good example, being consistent in your expectations, and exposing them to positive input (i.e. not too much TV and irreverent behavior).

The schools can only be held accountable so far. Parents are the primary teachers of their children. If the kids are struggling, we as parents need to look long and hard at ourselves FIRST before we lay blame anywhere else.

I know, with my own children, my own bad habits are often adopted and magnified by them. If my speech is imprudent theirs will be even more so. If I am lazy about my chores one week, they too become lazy. If I am unclear in my expectations, they do not clearly follow any expectations.

Sorry, there's no pill for that. Only self discipline on the part of the parents, teachers, and their children.

Too many "problems" encounted with students and young adults is attributed to an attention deficiency. Rearing children, teaching them respect, and making them accountable for their actions begins at home. Someone along the line needs to develop a backbone, and in turn, develop the backbone within the children they have brought into this world by leading by example, setting boundaries, expressing and agreeing upon acceptable behaviors and outcomes, issuing and receiving credit, and understanding the responsibility behind credit. It is sad that many children and young adults only receive "don't.......". Well, don't picture a blue elephant, what's gonna happen? Even us adults are going to picture a blue elephant - maybe with pink tusks and painted toe nails. "Don't" is not an effective approach to assuring children are self-confident and balanced. It certainly will not develop their ability to analyze situations on their own and make responsible decisions.

Of course there is a "shared" responsibility of our children, afterall, they have to grow up together and eventually lead and live in the world they lead. I have been associated with many teachers from many areas (wealthy and poor; city and suburb) for well over 10 years that constantly express their limits on punishing or reprimanding a student because of arguments presented by parents. Yes, there is a need to assure that school administrators and teachers are not abusing children, however, parents have made it impossible to take any type of action for fears of legal action or loss of job.

I have an insight into the very lackadaisical parenting that seems prominent. I've worked with troubled children and teens through volunteer work, school case studies, and mentoring programs. I have also seen it in my daily life with co-workers, neighbors, and other associations. There seems to be an attitude of "good enough is good enough". The issue extends beyond troubled homes and separated parents - there are the double-income parents that spoil their children to keep them quiet and these kids go into a world without a clue of reality or how to deal with the slightest set-back. My mentee is passing classes in school - some of them with a "D"; somehow acceptable with the school and parents.

Drugs won't cure the attitudes and lack of self esteem! Pinpointing just on schools won't make these kids secure and stable. This is a problem across the board and the adults that are supposed to "know better" need to step-up. Leaning on a few letters of the alphabet (ADHD, ADD, ODD, OCD...) and depending upon medications is the easy way out. Sure, throwing a few more chemicals into these developing minds and bodies is good!

I agree 100% with this author. I was raised in the 70's and now have an eight yr old son (along with two older girls). I am shocked at the differences with child-rearing and school expectations - esp with boys. They are expected to perform in an increasingly female dominated society (think of how sitcoms portray moms (smart, insightful) vs dads (stupid, lazy, clueless) and must "verbally express" their feelings. Boys want to express themselves more physically (running, throwing, and yes, hitting). Of course as parents and school administrators we need to teach them about acceptable and not behavior but think about a boy who for his whole adolesence is not encouraged to go out and hit a tree or run around the neighborhood every day but instead told to sit quietly and occupy himself and when he's feeling frustrated and acting up not encouraged to go and jumpon the trampoline but only to sit and think about his feelings and talk about it. This is not how God created boys. They need to learn to balance the physical with the verbal/emotional but to only focus on one is detrimental. And when schools (the majority of their days) cut short recesses and sports to work on their academics - no wonder they have trouble focusing and are diagnosed with ADHD. We have recently taken our children out of the school system and are homeschooling to encourage this back-to-basics approach to life. It's taken alot of effort to get them out of their seats and outside to MOVE (instead of sitting on the ground with a book or toys). I understand why society has come to this point but it doesn't make it right. And it makes me wonder who is pushing these new studies about further medicating them (drug co?) and if we as adults are truly inquisitive to their needs and wanting to give them what they need (more activity)instead of making them behave the way we want and are comfortable with (sitting quietly playing video games and watching tv and NOT shooting people asa teenager).

Has anyone ever thought that maybe... just maybe... we are just freaking out over things that we are too 'lazy' to deal with on our own as parents? When my brother was a kid, e was a friggin' nutcase, but my parents dealth with it. Back in the day, if a kid had issues, they were PARENTED. IMAGINE THAT! God forbid we lazy parents actually deal with our kids' uniqueness on our own instead of running to everyone else to fix the individualities we all see as WEAKNESSES. Since when is it a sin for my sons to be ACTIVE? Or to CRY? Or to draw pictures that you might not think are 'normal'? What is normal anyway? THERE'S NO SUCH THING. I think it's time for us parents to realize that we have created our own issues by refusing to accept the fact that - OH MY GOD! - kids are not cookie-cutter images of one another! WHAT??? INDIVIDUALITY? NO WAY!!!

As a parent, I could not agree more with these anecdotes of overloading our children in school and the epidemic lack of free play time. Not to mention the programming of our childrens' time into so-called "enriching" activities. As a teacher, however, please understand that the schools are only responding to the pressures that you, as the society at large, have placed upon us. You want "No Child Left Behind" and the school day is limited -- something has to go. Unfortunately it is usually the "fun" stuff like recess, art, music, and ridiculously, physical education. Our children, and our teachers, are stressed to the breaking point by all these expectations, and then not given the tools to deal with the realities. It is in those free play activities that we learned how to get along and settle our own disputes, and how to make our own fun instead of being coached. It is time for parents to take back their childrens' educational future from the politicians that have pirated it.

Thank you for this well written message. Who fully knows unless you are God himself the differences between the development of boys versus girls. However, more sound scientific evidence is revealing and confirming consistent differences that I have personally observed. It is reassuring a difference does exist, and many learning environments might be easier for the greater crossovers of fibers between the brain's hemispheres of a girl to learn better than the more "one hemishpere at a time" brain of a boy. Not every girl r every boy is cookie cutter. Thus, I take your message to be more in general than applied to every child or every location. We, as parents, have chosen to not allow more than two activities at any given time for each of our children. We eat dinner together every night, spend the last half hour before bed together, make getting outside a daily event, weather pending and allow for them plenty of free time at home without using electronics of any sort. It is not easy all the time, but we truly believe this will be advantageous over the long haul. We are far from being perfect parents, but we are certainly trying to make educated decisions. We do have two boys, one who struggles noticeable different with focus from his peers, and the other who is clearly the opposite. The former does much better in a peaceful, nonstressful environment at home. Could it be ADHD? Possibly, but for now, even though it takes unusually long to do school work at home, his focus is becoming better. Perhaps this is due to the approach we've chosen at home. The more physical movement he does each day, which is not guaranteed at school with P.E. every fourth day as a "specials" class, it seems the better he is able to focus at home on school. The days when inevitably we are busy after school with errands or appointments, the less he is able to not only focus, but handle what is normally not stressful day to day for him. Our younger son is in constant motion, automatically taking him outside and running around without any reminders. Before he was a year old, we joked saying that even right before he bed, he is the "storm before the calm." When it is time for him to sit down to do "non-moving" activities, he is able to do so with great focus, get the job done and often correctly, and ready to move again. Forced to sit longer than needed is almost painful for him, and is where he finds trouble when that happens. Our older son finds trouble when instructions are given after sitting already for great lengths and his mind is elsewhere. Thus, for example, he catches the ball when it comes his way when the directions are to not touch it with your hands. Whew. All that to say, thank you for a well written article, and one we can deposit to our heads along with many others as we continue to try to make the best choices for our kids, the Lord willing and our Guide all along the way.