Struggling School-Age Boys

The report from Columbia University's "Status on Boys Conference" from 2006--a conference that Peg Tyre participated in--gives a far more balanced view of the issues. The conversation is complex, but it is far from dire. You can see the digest from the conference at:

http://www.journalism.columbia.edu/cs/ContentServer?childpagename=Journalism%2FJRN_Page_C%2FJRNSimplePage&c=JRN_Page_C&pagename=JRN%2FWrapper&cid=1175295283501

ADHD versus LOVE. We all need to take responsibility for our children, parents need to take time to give love and show love. We as parents, need to make time for our kids. There's always that line you hear from one or both parents, "we don't have time." And yet, we always have time to go out with our friends, sit and watch t.v. for a few hours, sit and talk on the phone about nothing important. It's not all about You when you have children, it's about them, spend time with them. We need to stop blaming everyone else. We wouldn't need so much discipline if we gave our children a little more time. iF you haven't done this time thing with them, it will be a shock to the kids, be patient. Hug more, love more.

A far more balanced look at the issues surrounding this topic can be found on the Columbia University "Status of Boys Conference" site, a conference in which Peg Tyre participated. These issues are complex, but this report is fairly reductive.

http://www.journalism.columbia.edu/cs/ContentServer?childpagename=Journalism%2FJRN_Page_C%2FJRNSimplePage&c=JRN_Page_C&pagename=JRN%2FWrapper&cid=1175295283501

I am so sick of hearing about ADHD. Moms and Dads, do you know what it is like to be a parent? Kids need to be disciplined. You can't expect a child, especially a boy to keep focused. With no parental guidance comes ADHD.

Dave Fetrow
http://www.selfhelpblogger.com

Boys are not allowd to be boys. Men are not allowed to be men. They have been "sisified".It is not a school problem, but is carries into the school. ( I am a teacher.) It's a cultural problem thanks to the NOW and all the other femiinsts who don't have a life.

I am delighted to see so many conservative and sensible people commenting on this sight, but it is NOT enough to talk about it. That itswhy we are where we are. Because the BIG MOUTHS, the minority, the folks who scream the loudest have muscled their way into our lives. We all know what is wrong and things will not change until people do something. Home school their kids. Not allow real boys to be put on Adderall.
I have been called a sexist, racist, homophobe by kids as young as second graders because that is the CRAP they have learned. CRAP. None of this will change until regular folks have had enough. There is a law for everything we do today.. Rules for everything. You can not legislate every bit of human behavior. Did you know that 1 out of every 37 people have been in jail? 25% of the worlds' prison population is in the United States? Most of them are men. Something is wrong everyone. Check out the book " How to Hold On to Your Guy Card (In a Chick's World)"

We live in a society that does not let the parents be parents. I have read articles that say giving your child timeouts is abusive. It is hard to discipline your child in a society that says discipline is wrong. Discipline actually means "to teach" not punish like many people think. Children learn the best by the example before them and by consequences. The saying what comes up must come down is an easy concept for a child to understand. Kids get that because it is something they can see, if they throw a ball up it will eventually come down. "If I touch a hot stove, my hand will get burned," or if I don't eat my dinner, I will be hungry later." We as parents try so hard to protect our children. This is out of love, but even the best of intentions can fail. Children need us there for comfort, food, clothing and guidance. Society's attitude has affected parental guidance and the type of children we are raising. There needs to be more support of parents instead of finger pointing. The schools are very guilty of this. Schools teach our children morals and values instead of letting the parent do the parents job. Society tells parents they are wrong all the time - constantly undermining the parental role. Children are not dumb, they know this and as a result this is what we get. The Roman Empire fell from within - not from an outside enemy - but as the result of erosion of the family. What this country in particular is witnessing is just that. The foundation of a strong childhood is the family which is crumbling at alarmingly fast rate.

I am a 25 year old wife of two young children. They are only 4 years apart and everything i was told to do/not do with my son i am being told the opposite with my daughter. Instead of being so needy and trend following why don't we let mother nature have a go at it again and follow our basic instincts. My son, nor daughter have scheduled play dates, ever. They play around like crazy goofballs and get to act like actual children. And they still have and use their manners taught by their parnets not a tv. Do I think my children might be at a disadvantage because they are polite, yes. Would I change the way i let them behave, absoluetly not. They are just kids. My son is doing excellent at school given the fact american officials have gone bazurk over the "scores" of american schools compared to other countries. They are in a hurry to "fix" it and don't bother to think what it is doing to the kids. My husband is overseas all the time, my kids don't need added worries about kindergaten, let me repeat that, Kindergaten! I think pathetic women who need to be in control are making a country full of wimpy boys, "oh you need to be more sensitive" and bullying girls, "you need to stand up for yourself." And in some cases visaversa. It is just a big mess. It is going to be a host of overcontrolling needy women w/o strong men to challenge them. That was a point of the feminism movement. To prove that women at their best could do just as good as the men at their best. Well women, you wanted to be in control, now you got it and your pissed. Every good woman knows being in control in secret is much more satisfying. Quit whinning and waiting for someone to fix your problems, be a parent for godsakes!

I do agree with alot of what this articale is saying, but it is not just boys who suffer. All kids, boys and girls suffer from the changes in education system and the world. My daughter had a horable kindergarden year and had to do it again a second year.. due to the school not wanting to take the time with her. Now it has work a little in our favor cause now she seems to be doing very well, but now she is getting bored easy. My son use to love school in the beginning (kindergarden & 1st), but now and since about 3rd grade he hates school! He says he gets so bored and this causes him to get in trouble at school! He is very smart and can make good grades when he decides to, but he says he gets bored and don't feel like doing it half the time, because they keep doing the same things over and over! My other thing I have notice a change in with both genders.. is the lack of responsability and decrease in "growing up". When I was 10 years old I would ride my bike to the library by myself, go out and play at friends houses & be back on time. But to be honest I could not trust my son to do any of these things. I know they have said for years that girls develope faster than boys, but my son acts more like he is 5 than almost 11 years old!!! Trying to get either of my kids to help around the house or just do a chore or two is a chore in and of itself! I guess it is amasing the changes even from one generation to the next and it is scary! I worry about it all the time!

I do agree with alot of what this articale is saying, but it is not just boys who suffer. All kids, boys and girls suffer from the changes in education system and the world. My daughter had a horable kindergarden year and had to do it again a second year.. due to the school not wanting to take the time with her. Now it has work a little in our favor cause now she seems to be doing very well, but now she is getting bored easy. My son use to love school in the beginning (kindergarden & 1st), but now and since about 3rd grade he hates school! He says he gets so bored and this causes him to get in trouble at school! He is very smart and can make good grades when he decides to, but he says he gets bored and don't feel like doing it half the time, because they keep doing the same things over and over! My other thing I have notice a change in with both genders.. is the lack of responsability and decrease in "growing up". When I was 10 years old I would ride my bike to the library by myself, go out and play at friends houses & be back on time. But to be honest I could not trust my son to do any of these things. I know they have said for years that girls develope faster than boys, but my son acts more like he is 5 than almost 11 years old!!! Trying to get either of my kids to help around the house or just do a chore or two is a chore in and of itself! I guess it is amasing the changes even from one generation to the next and it is scary! I worry about it all the time!

The biggest problem is that when these problems have been brought to dr.s, teachers, and psychologist all they have said is its puberty. give the boy a pill and send them to counseling. Imagine if u were told that. that ur problems are normal, or that your so crazy you need pills and therapy. thats a big jump. I dont have the answers but. everytime ur son has a problem, talk to them. dont solve there problems just talk. nobody like to be told to do something that they have either already done or doesn't seem possible. just talk to you sons. they will b closed like society has taught them to be, the truth is we are told everyday as men to toughen up. just ask them how there day was, not like your looking for somthing. u knw why he tells his friends. they sit there for hours talking about everything, and finally that big thing comes up. Just watch a movie or play a video game with them. it will come out if u dont seem like our looking for something. it will feel good to them and then they will just start telling you

I'm sorry so many comments seem to think the problem is with women. I agree, some women have inferiority complexes and can't handle the woman's role, but we are not all like that. Actually I think many of us women are just downright frustrated with most men and so we've taken up the slack, because we've been forced to: our little ones need to be taken care of. My ex was, and still is a bum. He was an alcoholic who often suggested threesomes and would bring woman home with him after nights at the bar, he spent some time homeless after I left him. I couldn't follow him down that road. He wasn't a leader. How could I stand behind someone who wouldn've put us in danger. I am woman raising a very intelligent and sucessful son (now in 6th grade.) He is learning about chivalry and responsibility.

I think many boys do not have male role modles to look up to. I think men need to throw off the negative steroetypes that plague them and start being men for man's sake. Men, not mercenaries; men, not slaves to women who tell them what do do because they lack initiative; men, not slobs; men, not rebels without a cause; men, not drug or alcohol addicts; men and leaders, not followers; men, not people who don't care. No wonder so many boys don't care about themselves, about sucess, about society- for some reason lots of MEN think it's MANLY not to CARE.

Here's to the men who are the leaders in their homes, who care about their children and their wives, here's to the strong women who back them up and let them!

All the comments here, as well as the article, are pretty interesting. there are points to be made across the board. In terms of pushing kids too early is that really the schools driving that or overzealous parents constantly pushing for their kids to get ahead that caused the schools to change their approach? Everything in that regard has become about competition as opposed to learning and development of the poor kid.

As for rising levels of ADD and ADHD cases, is it all the garbage we cram into our systems and environment? is it all the pressure we put on kids? is it both? Or is it the easy bs diagnosis when the real answer is a bit more complicated than cramming a pill down Johnny's gullet?

The only thing I can really say about that is each person needs to look at tehir own situation and do what is right. My personal opinion is that all too oftem meds are #1 on the list as it is easy. And the notion that schools are the way they are, that our environment is the way it is and that everything we cram in our bodies is garbage is always attributed to the nameless, faceless "they". Well folks, they is we and if we don't fix it neither will "they". It may require some sacrifice....forgoing the BM'er and climb up the corporate ladder to actually spend time (horrors!) with your kids, actually cook dinner, play ball in teh backyard etc. Do that, easy to say I know, and I think you will find "they" will make changes to your benefit. But, leave it all to the pushy type A loudmouth and all you'll find things getting worse before they get better...if they get better.

And yes, whoever below said it id dead on....kids need to run, play, skin knees, fall out of trees, play tag and act...well...like kids. Schedule their day from danw to dusk and good luck to you and the tiny litte automaton you're creating.

I'de be willing to say that almost all parents should be in agreement with these posts, and the article itself. Simply looking at the studies... AUTISM is now a 1 in 150 children occurrence! That is insane and an unacceptable statistic. It's now time for a total evaluation of the foods we are feeding our children, and the activities that we engage them in.

No child needs planned activities 24/7. But that's what we have done. We've taken away that atmosphere that was balanced, and allowed them to mature and grow at somewhat normal rates, and have replaced it with someplace that will breed hyperactive, hypersensitized, hyper-personalitied individuals.... that only care about their successes and interests... In other words spolied, selfish, overachieving little maniacs!!!

STOP. Do Not Pass GO.

Why can't people see the real problem? It very sad the scientist cannot see the true problem, even sadder on what this other commets say. I am 19, a boy, and an IQ that would make your most intelligent commet look retarded. I also have ADHD, I can tell you the real problem and if you cannot figure it out, you are sad.

Women

If this answer is wrong then challenge me to it via my e-mail: Seriona@live.com

I know that genuine cases of ADD and ADHD are on the rise, as are children who really just need a combination of more effective discipline and more physically-involved play time, and the root causes have a lot to do with the morphing of our values in our society. Discipline is regarded as abuse by more and more people, and as a result, more and more children are growing up spoiled, self-centered, and arrogant. My cousins are perfect examples--one of them is a true ADHD case, and I've been working with him to show him how to center himself and relax enough to function around other people. He's smart and--when he is coherent enough to realize what's going on--appreciative for what my family has been doing for him. His older siblings, however, were spoiled rotten. They struggle not because of some inherent handicap, but because they honestly believe that they shouldn't have to lift a finger but rather have their friends, family, and teachers give them whatever they want, whenever they want. I see children like this every day, in various stages of development, from toddler on up to teen and even adults who were raised to believe they were the center of the universe. Beyond our rearing problems, however, there's the increasing number of toxins in our environment. I can't help but wonder how many of these problems--ADHD, autism, OCD, etc.--are caused by the environmental pollutants in our own home and the additives in our food. After realizing I have a food allergy, I started having to read the labels on everything I ate, and what I discovered shocked me. There are toxic chemicals used in the food we eat every day because they preserve freshness or make fluffy things fluffier or tasty things tastier. If you only ate one of these food items in a great while, it wouldn't do you any harm, but it would be foolish to believe that the constant indulgence in these chemical-laden food products isn't causing some serious problems with our health. It may be that tomorrow we discover that the cause of all our woe was something as simple as the unpronounceable list of ingredients that has inundated our diet over the past several years. When you look at other countries--countries that do not share our addiction to the long list of additives and unnecessary ingredients in our food--you don't see nearly the occurrence of things like ADD, ADHD, autism, or allergies. It could also have something to do with all the chemicals naturally present on new things like cars, shoes, carpeting, and televisions, or perhaps just the large quantities of jet fuel that filter down through the atmosphere onto the population below after being used up by the jets themselves. The simple fact of that matter is that we, as a people and a culture, do not live healthy lifestyles. For all that we have learned about medicine and health and science, we are quickly sinking into a medical dark age for our ignorance.