Ricky Gervais Isn't Laughing

Winston Churchill once said, "If you find a job you like, you'll never work again." I realized from an early age that there is no point in living for a holiday or living for a weekend. But as I get older, I'm realizing that all my comedy—all the things I've ever done—is about getting stuff off my chest. In my new film, "Ghost Town," I play a misanthropic guy who hates the world.

He closed his heart years ago and nothing gets through. He likes being a dentist because he can shove things in people's mouths and they can't talk to him. But then dead people start to bother him, and that's even worse. I think I'm slowly turning into that guy. It's gotten to where the slightest thing can ruin my day. For instance:

Unnecessary noise. Let's say there's a construction worker sanding down a door. OK, that's a bit annoying, but fair enough, it's his job. But why does he then add whistling to that? Don't add whistling. It doesn't cancel it out. It's not like mixing an alkaline with an acid. It makes it twice as annoying. Sanding the door—you need to do that. An ambulance siren—you need that. But whistling? It's not like you're whistling Brahms. It's like a cat walking on a piano.

Gossip magazines. The worst is the "spotted" section. "Spotted! Johnny Depp on the set of his new movie." Brilliant. What a surprise, him being there. "You'll never guess what I read: someone spotted Johnny Depp!" "Oh, yeah? Where?" "Miles away, different country, doesn't matter."

Lateness. Drives me mad. Can't stand it. Because I'm always 20 minutes early. So if you're 10 minutes late, well, in my mind, that's half an hour late. Also, I don't want to be alone, so if I'm meeting a friend at the pub, I won't go inside. I'll walk round and round the block because I don't want to be seen sitting there by myself. And besides, how could anyone not want to rush to meet me? I'm famous—I should be the one who turns up late.

People who use the line "I say what I think." No, you're rude, and you're just trying to make it a virtue. People are always going on about how "I'm not two-faced." No, but you are a nasty, fascist, racist piece of dirt. That outweighs two-faced. Next time, be two-faced.