How To Keep Him From Cheating

posted br ROXY@2008. A relationship is like a tree. A man and a women decide. to plant this tree and nuture it. Each putting his and her cup of water in daily, equal parts.If I forget to put my cup of water in one day, or he forgets to put his cup of water in one day.I can put an extra cup in for him or vice versa, the tree will die. It needs equal energy and water from each person or it will die. It needs it on a daily basis,So many people think after they get married or are in committed relationship, the job is over. Its a job and it must be important to both parties or it will die. I have learned, no decision is good or bad but its our additude and motivation behind any decision that we suffer the consequences. So be happy within yourself, so you can attract a partner who will put in that cup of water,and you will have a beautiful tree with blooms for life if not ,IT WILL DIE!! We all have choices, Do not marry out of loneliness, or desperation, or because you think the other person will change. You have the answers now.look inside yourself. When you change the other person either changes with you or leaves your life forever. FACT> good LUCK to all CHOOSE WISELY.

There is clearly an overemphasis on MEN as the usual "cheating party", and published literature educating women about male infidelity behaviors. HOWEVER, recent studies have shown that an increasing percentage of women are engaging in extramarital romantic and sexual relationships, especially among women under 35.
As a Marriage and Family Therapsit, I have encountered some couples where the woman partner has engaed in "infidelity". I have also encountered a caurdre of younger couples who have "open relationship" or "polyamory" agreements.

I would suggest that doing some serious values clarification, and in depth discussion with ones partner regarding the expectations in a realtionship, including sexual interests and preferences, intimacy issues, as well as exploration of common interests and activities. (Yes! This may sound like a given, but many couples do not share all of the same interests; this too could lead to extra marital realtionships which begin as "platonic" for the purpose of having an activity partner for something one's partner is not interested in, which can become more involved later. Even if platonic activity buddies don't become secondary lovers, jealousy and mistrust can breed in the partner at home.)

One of the best means to avoid being emotionally wounded by a partners "cheating" is to define the rules and boundries as appropriate for each couples realtionship, and to not nessecarily just assume that "standard" socially accepted rules, boundries, and expectations will just automaticly manifest.

It's also important to accept the notion that one person can in fact love more than one other person at the same time. Many people assume that becasue their partner is in love with them, that there will be no interest inanyone else. This is simply not true, and human emotions do not work this way. Be certain to have a clear and honest discussion on these ideas and make aggreemnts appropriate to YOUR couple realtionship EARLY.

Greg Brown, MFT
San Francisco, Ca
www.mytherapistgreg.com

Wow, it seems like some people are getting really worked up over some simple advice they can simple take or leave anyway. Personally I think everyone needs to feel appreciated in a relationship to prevent the possibiilty of cheating...the author does not give "bad" advice, it is just maybe done from one side but to me it didn't seem like that meant it was only the woman's responsibility, it was just written from that perspective...it can apply the other way too since cheating happens by women for the exact same reasons...people want to continue to feel appreciated by their partners. So if you take the advice on this very simple level it works :) And also, try to back off the anger and the feeling you are entitled to your relationship because you made/make sacrifices...happiness is more than that...you deserve it and so does your partner so doing things to actually be happy together and remind each other you are happy together is a smart thing to do...no one stays happy because they are obligated to.

I think that the important thing is holding yourself accountable, whether you are a man or a woman. In the traditional marriage vows there is the line "until death do us part." That means by wearing the ring and sealing the deal with a kiss you are essentially stating "I abide by these terms." So if someone cheats, then they are going back on their word, period. This is a very complicated issue for both men and women because we are wired differently. I am a 19 year old male and I am greatly excited by the idea of sex, but I am saving myself for marriage because I want to be faithful to my wife. Sure, each spouse can help each other because it is a 2 way relationship, but ultimately it comes down to holding yourself accountable. Will you abide by your word?

I agree, women do cheat as well. In respect to your husband and other women's husbands, don't have close relationships or hang out time with other men alone....better to do so with him. I don't care what anyone says lusts and cheating will end up happening to one part or the other if you have many other close male friends who you spend time alone with or talk to intimately. That should be for your man. It helps him feel less uneasy and helps you not to be tempted to cheat. Think of all the goods about the man you have and don't make comparasions. Be happy with that you have and will actually be become happy with him. It is a sacrifice but it will not be so hard if you truly care about your relationship. Always good to flip thingd around and see how the other may feel.

This is all B.S. Why is it a womans responsibility to keep her husband/boyfriend from cheating? Is he not a grown man, responsible for his own actions and thoughts? Why not go even further and make women responsible for everything that their partner does that is wrong. Murder? Sure, why not, blame the woman. Rape? Sure, the woman was asking for it.
Cheating is immoral. It's as simple as that. Weather a man or woman, we should blame no one but ourselves for our actions.
Are men really that daft that they need a woman to keep an eye on them or trick them into not cheating?

I totally agree with Laura! What should we women say about feeling appreciated? Women are supposed to be the weaker sex??? Yeah right!! I made a promise at the altar and I am adult enough and mature enough to stick to my word and my committment. I beleive that my husband is equally responsible to keep his promise. Like Laura said, I am not his mother, I am not responsible for his choice of having an affair or not. Nothing in life is always easy or always bright. I am mature enough to know that and handle that, so why should I shelter my husband from LIFE?? Why should he be treated like a scared little boy who is too young to be exposed to the realities of life? We should BOTH support each other and BOTH think about each other's needs. I am a mum and as all mums your needs always come last.........but I refuse to think that my husband's ego and self esteem should also be dealt with like national issues. After having a baby my body has changed and I have my own share of self esteem issues, however I do not expect anyone to solve them for me, it's something that I have to face.....but in the meantime I keep my commitment to my family and my husband!! Please men GROW UP!

There is clearly an overemphasis on MEN as the usual "cheating party", and published literature educating women about male infidelity behaviors. HOWEVER, recent studies have shown that an increasing percentage of women are engaging in extramarital romantic and sexual relationships, especially among women under 35.
As a Marriage and Family Therapsit, I have encountered some couples where the woman partner has engaed in "infidelity". I have also encountered a caurdre of younger couples who have "open relationship" or "polyamory" agreements.

I would suggest that doing some serious values clarification, and in depth discussion with ones partner regarding the expectations in a realtionship, including sexual interests and preferences, intimacy issues, as well as exploration of common interests and activities. (Yes! This may sound like a given, but many couples do not share all of the same interests; this too could lead to extra marital realtionships which begin as "platonic" for the purpose of having an activity partner for something one's partner is not interested in, which can become more involved later. Even if platonic activity buddies don't become secondary lovers, jealousy and mistrust can breed in the partner at home.)

One of the best means to avoid being emotionally wounded by a partners "cheating" is to define the rules and boundries as appropriate for each couples realtionship, and to not nessecarily just assume that "standard" socially accepted rules, boundries, and expectations will just automaticly manifest.

It's also important to accept the notion that one person can in fact love more than one other person at the same time. Many people assume that becasue their partner is in love with them, that there will be no interest inanyone else. This is simply not true, and human emotions do not work this way. Be certain to have a clear and honest discussion on these ideas and make aggreemnts appropriate to YOUR couple realtionship EARLY.

Greg Brown, MFT
San Francisco, Ca
www.mytherapistgreg.com

Laurakwkc I totally agree with you!!!!!!!!

Bottom line is that men and women are wired differently. Women mature with every passing year, where men do not. Mens wants and needs are the same throughout their lifetime. Women on the other hand chanege their needs often. You can do all of the above for a man however they will still cheat. Say for instance the wife is drop dead gorgeous and takes care of herself. The husband in high school was the total jock stud. Well the guy is used to getting the attention his whole life and thinks high school still applys at 40. Now he is jealous of the wife as she is actually beautiful and has a personality. So he will cheat ...just beacuse he wants his cake and to eat it too. Yes, it is their own insecurity. I have come to that conclusion. Today women are just as bad and for all you women out their that contribute to affairs that you have with married men....Maybe you should look in the mirro when your man cheats on you. It is a vicious circle if you ask me. I have a recomendation. He cheats on you, you cheat on him...then leave him, and tell him later after he pretends to feel bad about cheating. I found it works well.

Once again...it is the WOMEN'S responsibility to try to do everything to keep a marriage (that is suppose to be 50/50,) on track. BULL_____. I like to win too...I am a women that works 40 hours a week, has four children ages 5-17 and runs our family owned business. I still do 98% off the grocery shopping, 95% of the bussing of children, 100% of the bill paying and money management and I am suppose to make my man feel like winner so he will be more inclined to keep his penis in his pants. What about me???/What about his responsibility to me, and our family?...after all that is what I committed too.....for better or worse, in good times and bad. The bottom line...if a man cheats...it is HIS fault PERIOD and his lack of committment. It is not ,nor should it ever be the women's repsonsibility to MAKE SURE he does not. He has choices...just like I do. I choose to be committed day in and day out and love him and be his best friend. He can choose to do the same. If he does not, it is not contingent on me. Whatever happened to taking responsibility for one's actions instead of blaming the other person????? HOGWASH to this...if you man cheats...it is HIS problem ...not yours...if he is feeling less than adequate, then he needs counseling, not a wife blowing smoke up his backside 24/7...we are not the mother he left at marriage...we are the wife...the 50/50 partner. There are consequences to poor choices (cheating)..THOSE should be the motivators to stay committed....like loosing your family or job. Not the wife making you feel like a spoiled little boy, picking up where your mama left off! I would love to read a real article on TRUE committment and love and marriage not a farce of a relationship that is centered around a man's "needs" with all the marital responsibility resting on the poor wife's shoulder's..... AGAIN!

Once again...it is the WOMEN'S responsibility to try to do everything to keep a marriage (that is suppose to be 50/50,) on track. BULL_____. I like to win too...I am a women that works 40 hours a week, has four children ages 5-17 and runs our family owned business. I still do 98% off the grocery shopping, 95% of the bussing of children, 100% of the bill paying and money management and I am suppose to make my man feel like winner so he will be more inclined to keep his penis in his pants. What about me???/What about his responsibility to me, and our family?...after all that is what I committed too.....for better or worse, in good times and bad. The bottom line...if a man cheats...it is HIS fault PERIOD and his lack of committment. It is not ,nor should it ever be the women's repsonsibility to MAKE SURE he does not. He has choices...just like I do. I choose to be committed day in and day out and love him and be his best friend. He can choose to do the same. If he does not, it is not contingent on me. Whatever happened to taking responsibility for one's actions instead of blaming the other person????? HOGWASH to this...if you man cheats...it is HIS problem ...not yours...if he is feeling less than adequate, then he needs counseling, not a wife blowing smoke up his backside 24/7...we are not the mother he left at marriage...we are the wife...the 50/50 partner. There are consequences to poor choices (cheating)..THOSE should be the motivators to stay committed....like loosing your family or job. Not the wife making you feel like a spoiled little boy, picking up where your mama left off! I would love to read a real article on TRUE committment and love and marriage not a farce of a relationship that is centered around a man's "needs" with all the marital responsibility resting on the poor wife's shoulder's..... AGAIN!